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RE: Limits - 7/28/2009 9:48:07 PM

ThatDamnedPanda

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quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDamnedPanda

quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

quote:

This hard/soft stuff is also nonsense.

i wont fuck a dog... ever.

i wont have anal... until i trust you.

What if you meet a dog you really, really trust? Like... you know... Underdog, maybe. Or Rin Tin Tin. He seems quite reliable.

even rin tin tin couldnt do it for me

but... a Panda... hmmmm

<blush blush blush> Well, heck yeah! Everybody likes doing it panda-style! Have you ever seen "pandas" listed as a hard limit? Huh? Have you? Huh? Bet ya haven't! And there's a reason for that, by god!

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RE: Limits - 7/28/2009 9:52:36 PM

ThatDamnedPanda

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quote:

InvisibleBlack

quote:

ORIGINAL: InvisibleBlack

For what it's worth, I think that limits evolved as a sort of shorthand. It's much easier if doing a scene in a club or, say, writing an online profile to simply say "my hard limits are...", "my soft limits are...". etc. than it is to spend an hour discussing (or writing an 80 page dissertation for a web site) what is just flat out beyond the pale no matter what, what makes you uncomfortable, what you might be willing to do once trust is established, and so on. That makes it easy for someone invovled in a (fairly) brief club scene or skimming profiles online to know what's okay and what's not.

If the goal is an ongoing BDSM relationship, I would certainly hope that anyone would go beyond a simple listing of limits and actually have the extended discussion or whatever level of communication it would take to understand where the boundaries are, what the reasons are for those boundaries, and where it's safe to experiment and where it's not. These things also change over time. Something that once seemed so terrifying it was incomprehensible can become intriguing. Something that once was considered may be off-limits after it was tried and the experience was abysmal.

Excellent observation. Very insightful, and I think you're probably onto something there. Welcome to the boards, and I look forward to more such posts!

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Post #: 102

RE: Limits - 7/28/2009 10:06:02 PM

ThatDamnedPanda

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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: InvisibleBlack
For what it's worth, I think that limits evolved as a sort of shorthand. It's much easier if doing a scene in a club or, say, writing an online profile to simply say "my hard limits are...", "my soft limits are...". etc. than it is to spend an hour discussing ...

I wonder this also. Since I don't scene, club, or in any way "play", my viewpoint is pretty much restricted to long-term relationships. And within that context, the whole hard/soft limits thing seems like some sort of awkward transplant... an inadequate tool to express the actual complexity of a relationship that has gone on for 5 years, 10 years, 20 years. If I'm worried about decades, I can afford to take hours to have the conversation thoroughly and properly. On the other hand, if I was just wanting to hook up for an hour of play, I would not want to have to do 4 days of conversation before-hand to fully understand the person in question.

Same here. That's why the whole topic of "limits" is sometimes difficult for me to discuss in a conversation with people who are more accustomed to talking about the subject. The concept of "play" is almost complete unfathomable for me, because in my world, everything we do and talk about here is just the way I relate to my partner in a loving, longterm, committed relationship. And in such a relationship, between two people who love each other and know each other better than they know anyone else in the world, there really aren't many limits. At least, in my experience. It's just whatever the two of us do together that makes us both feel more connected.

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RE: Limits - 7/28/2009 10:37:19 PM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: catize
...When bombarded with the scary ones, we tend to get self-protective. Unfortunately that can come across as histrionic.

OK, here's me hoping I'm never actually in the position of seeking a new partner. But still, this is good advice just for watching my own internal reactions as I meet subs. I hereby promise not to make too much of what sounds like outlandish limits.

I've actually wondered often how it would go if I was out looking again. For starters, would I necessarily look for a submissive? Secondly, if I found a submissive, how would the initial flow go? In some senses, Carol & I had it easy because all the trust, respect, communication, etc. were in place already. So yes, we didn't need to deal with discussions around "limits".

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Post #: 104

RE: Limits - 7/28/2009 11:25:35 PM

peppermint

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GaPhoto

As a personals site collarme should have different options availiable, and a blurb giving some general idea what each one means. Not concrete definitons, just some idea. Does anyone agree with me?

Zack

I'm sorry, Zack but I can not agree with this statement. The other side of Collarme may be used as a personals site for those who are looking. However, many who have profiles on the other side are not looking for a partner. For example, I am not looking for a partner. The forum side of Collarm is about the discussion of issues. It has nothing to do with being a personals site at all.

Look where we've come. We don't even agree to what kind of site Collarme is. Yet you expect a definitive definition of the word limits. Do your own homework. When you find a submissive who interests you, why don't you and she discuss what limits are? The only person who really needs to be in agreement with you is your own submissive. Who cares if I or anyone else disagrees at that point. Do your own thing.

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Post #: 105

RE: Limits - 7/29/2009 2:08:51 AM

jeninvegas

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I think the OP is being a bit too presumptuous to decide what is or is not a hard limit for others. You do not decide that for other people. We decide ourselves what is a hard limit to us and what is not.

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Post #: 106

RE: Limits - 7/29/2009 9:21:14 AM

TurboJugend

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus
Either you do it or you don't.

Exactly.
There is no limits. Just dos or don'ts.
See how easy that is?

the.dark.

but limits are don'ts and do's

they just border where the do stops and the don't starts ( and vs)

limits can also be instead of "if you do this then" also be "if you don't do this then"

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Post #: 107

RE: Limits - 7/29/2009 9:55:56 AM

RCdc

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TurboJugend
but limits are don'ts and do's

they just border where the do stops and the don't starts ( and vs)

limits can also be instead of "if you do this then" also be "if you don't do this then"

Not for us they aren't. If something is 'if you do this then/if you don't do this then' that is negotiation.

the.dark.

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Post #: 108

RE: Limits - 7/29/2009 10:17:57 AM

TurboJugend

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

ORIGINAL: TurboJugend
but limits are don'ts and do's

they just border where the do stops and the don't starts ( and vs)

limits can also be instead of "if you do this then" also be "if you don't do this then"

Not for us they aren't. If something is 'if you do this then/if you don't do this then' that is negotiation.

the.dark.

I see.indeed a way to view it also. I guess many people use different descriptions to describe an action with the same results.
Don'ts don't happen...things beyond "the limit" neither.

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Post #: 109

RE: Limits - 7/29/2009 4:07:40 PM

DomImus

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quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl
dang, now i have to fry my limits?

Nope, not at all. Just make a list of things you won't do with anyone under any circumstances.

Write "My Limits" across the top, sans quotation marks. Hold said list near and dear.

You're all set.

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RE: Limits - 7/29/2009 4:28:44 PM

tazzygirl

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well... just to toss a monkey wrench into the whole idea of hard and fast limits.

if im owned, and he wants, he gets. even if i dont wish too.

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Post #: 111

RE: Limits - 7/29/2009 5:59:47 PM

Level

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GaPhoto

quote:

ORIGINAL: Racquelle

quote:

ORIGINAL: GaPhoto I also realize that I tend to have more absolute views on things
Eventually you will grow out of that. You have such the cocksuredness of a 22 year old. Its darling, it really is.

I'm 23 actually, and the older I get (yes I'm still VERY young I know this), the less I know.

Zack

Then there is hope for you, and I mean that sincerely.

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RE: Limits - 7/30/2009 3:42:52 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

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For me I define whats a no go and what is a yes go, or a maybe go not sure, by my interests, or un interest/ if you like eating shit and I think it's a hard limit best be believing I am putting it on a hard limiit list, weather it will or won't injure me beyond ability to heal it's disgusting to me, and why shouldn't I refuse to do things that are disgusting to me. I am into kinky sex and kink for enjoyment, so doing things I have no interest or desire in doing goes against why I am doing kink in the first place.

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RE: Limits - 7/31/2009 5:48:04 PM

DesFIP

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I'm still laughing over the op declaring a hard limit is something that injures the sub beyond the dom's ability to heal the damage. So like, you deliberately induce an asthma attack for breath play and then wave your magic wand to stop it?
You may assume that once you give them a puff on their inhaler, they will then be fine. Hard luck if as happens occasionally, she dies anyway.

I hard limit inverted suspension because it will bring on an attack of vertigo. So what if it will probably cure up within a week without antibiotics and not much more than a month otherwise? Yes it will eventually stop, but you'll be long gone before then. I am not interested in anyone who would cause me to be that sick just to get his rocks off.

And there are the things that bring on panic attacks or a flashback for those with PTSD. Hey, the worst that could happen would be a couple of months in a psych unit so why not do that?

I'm curious about one thing though, I know Beth can't serve Merc brussel sprouts, but can she make them for herself or eat them in a restaurant? Inquiring minds want to know.

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