Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Has BDSM become "soft"?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4 5   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 3:40:44 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		In all honestly, sub drop is no joke and if a Dom doesnt want to be picking up some very messy pieces he will give proper after care. I am not saying he should play house boy, but he should deffinetly be taking care of his sub.


Magik

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 3:46:41 PM   
SouthernSpankin


Posts: 106
Joined: 7/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VirginPotty

This thread comes after reading the "After Care" thread and all the posts from subs who get everything from cookies & hot chocolate to a meal after a 'session'.  As I posted there, I was always taught that we are there to provide for the Dom's needs, their desires not to be molly-coddled after doing what we're supposed to do. I know after care is important but I'm thinking cuddling, kept warm and going to sleep, not the dom scurrying around, waiting on the sub hand & foot all in the name of preventing sub drop.

Thoughts?


Yeah, those people in the after care thread come across as way too soft to me--but they have many threads on here where people are discussing stuff that comes across as way too hardcore to me as well.

(in reply to VirginPotty)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 3:48:38 PM   
VanIsleKnight


Posts: 283
Joined: 8/4/2009
Status: offline 		I imagine it depends on the sub and the dom, when I look at a BDSM relationship I see it as a relationship.  Sometimes you can have kinky fun sexual 'ships, and those are fine and no different at all (in my mind) from regular sexual "friends with benefits" or one-night stands.  Sometimes you just want to enjoy yourself.  I think though that in more serious, long-term engagements that it's rather important to bear in mind that while yes, the Dominant is the one that is being pleased, worshiped, in control or what have you... they only receive as much of that as the submissive is willing to give them.

Problem is that people are endlessly complicated so every situation is different from another, so some subs enjoy feeling loved and cared for and treasured, others enjoy feeling worthless beyond being a toy or a pet.  Personally I prefer the former, and I would do my best to ensure that my Mistress/Goddess/Domme would know that I reciprocate and appreciate that.  So, I don't see anything wrong with "after play care" nor do I think that it's soft to provide that.  Of course I'm a gigantic softy that gets a little choked up when Mufasa dies so... >.>


_____________________________

Apologies for what you feel might be a spelling error. I'm Canadian.

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 3:52:06 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VirginPotty

This thread comes after reading the "After Care" thread and all the posts from subs who get everything from cookies & hot chocolate to a meal after a 'session'.  As I posted there, I was always taught that we are there to provide for the Dom's needs, their desires not to be molly-coddled after doing what we're supposed to do. I know after care is important but I'm thinking cuddling, kept warm and going to sleep, not the dom scurrying around, waiting on the sub hand & foot all in the name of preventing sub drop.

Thoughts?
I guess, as someone else noted, it depends on what you call soft. 

While it may come as a surprise to some here, I play rather hard sometimes.  The more intense the session is going to be, the more I like to know about a submissive and what generally happens to her after an intense session.  If I know that a submissive has a tendency to "drop" after a session, then I have her set up what she needs for me to take care of her after the session.  If she has a tendency to get the chills or to get very thirsty or to need sugar or whatever, then I make sure that SHE have these things available and close at hand for me to use or to give her. 
For me, aftercare is about supplying what the submissive needs...be it a blanket thrown over her, nearness to me, time to cry, etc....and about what I need.  I need that human connection, even in a casual setting, of at least a little time spent holding each other.  How much more she gets...and I get...depends on my relationship with her. 

Yes...what I get...here is where I get to part of what you are saying potty:  I do not give more than I am going to get.  I am the dominant and part of any scene I do usually entails something that the submissive wants/craves.  Though a scene can be about my satisfaction way more than hers, even those times have elements that appeal to her.  Because of that...and because I am who I am...I expect to have my needs and wants after a scene to be catered to after I have gotten her through her subspace or pain-space or altered head-space.  I played with a submissive recently who received hugs and affection and kisses and warming and a drink after our play.  And once she was "past" the play, she got up and did what was expected of her and she did so in a graceful and appreciative and submissive manner.

(in reply to VirginPotty)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 3:54:00 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Was just thinkin...I know scary already....

What if cuddling and caring for the submissive is what the dominant needs and wants at that time? Many dominants, mine included, feel very strong adoration and protectiveness after a strong session and need that as much or more than being waited on. If he wants to snuggle me up and spoil me rotten for a little bit, who am I to deny him? LOL

lovingpet

(in reply to VanIsleKnight)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 3:57:18 PM   
quietlycontent


Posts: 15
Joined: 9/8/2009
Status: offline 		Not being big or very knowledgeable on the fetish side of d/s and bdsm i am a little confused. Everyone on here uses the word session, which to me implies more of a business arrangement that lacks affection rather than a caring relationship. To be honest it sounds to me as if  both sub's and Dom'mes use each other simply to scratch an itch.
So where all this caring comes in i haven't a clue. It honestly sounds to me as if  nobody cares about anybody, except themselves.

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 4:01:49 PM   
SouthernSpankin


Posts: 106
Joined: 7/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

In all honestly, sub drop is no joke and if a Dom doesnt want to be picking up some very messy pieces he will give proper after care. I am not saying he should play house boy, but he should deffinetly be taking care of his sub.


Magik


Yeah, and on Christianity forums, I have come across people swearing on their mother's graves that they are being haunted by demons, and they will gather together in a discussion thread and have these serious discussions about how what to do about the demons that are haunting them.... examples are using holy water, wearing special medals for protection, saying particular prayers, doing specific actions, etc. Really bizarre stuff.

Yeah, the concept of demon possession and all that is laughable to me and I find that normal people stay out of threads discussing such nonsense. But every blue moon, I'll get involved in such a thread, trying to talk some sense into those people. For example, this blind girl that lives by herself started this thread where she was terrified because she felt she was being haunted by demons. So all the demon possession people show up and get her all worked about about how real all that nonsense is and then I showed up giving all these arguments how it was all nonsense. But yeah, it was a waste of my time. Based on those people's experiences in their lives, they are absolutely convinced that demon possession is no joke.

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 4:05:27 PM   
MarcEsadrian


Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VirginPotty

This thread comes after reading the "After Care" thread and all the posts from subs who get everything from cookies & hot chocolate to a meal after a 'session'.  As I posted there, I was always taught that we are there to provide for the Dom's needs, their desires not to be molly-coddled after doing what we're supposed to do. I know after care is important but I'm thinking cuddling, kept warm and going to sleep, not the dom scurrying around, waiting on the sub hand & foot all in the name of preventing sub drop.

Thoughts?


My thoughts? Yours expressed here definitely touch upon a point that needs repeating, ad infinitum. Caring for what is yours is wise, indeed, but there is a line where the served becomes the server, and submission is twisted into nothing more than a tool to get one's way. I think your post, simply stated, touches upon that truth pretty clearly.

(in reply to VirginPotty)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 4:09:01 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: quietlycontent

Not being big or very knowledgeable on the fetish side of d/s and bdsm i am a little confused. Everyone on here uses the word session, which to me implies more of a business arrangement that lacks affection rather than a caring relationship. To be honest it sounds to me as if  both sub's and Dom'mes use each other simply to scratch an itch.
So where all this caring comes in i haven't a clue. It honestly sounds to me as if  nobody cares about anybody, except themselves.



Don't get hung up on a term. I use session simply because play sounds goofy to me and scene sounds staged. "Session" refers to the time I spend with my partner engaged in intense activity. I am submissive to him always and he is in control always, but this is the time when it is far more focused and used to power such things as pain play, edgy mental and emotional work, and more. For me to enter a "session" means that caring has to be there. It is one of those things that teaches me that I can trust someone. Without trust, I simply will not interact on this level.

I don't like the term session either, but it was the least of the evils when picking something to call that part of our interactions, so there it is. I don't view it as a business transaction, nor does he. It is, in fact, probably the most fulfilling time we spend with another human being and some of the most deeply intimate connections we have ever formed with anyone. I understand the negative reaction to a word, but please be careful applying that to the people using it.

lovingpet

(in reply to quietlycontent)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 4:12:02 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SouthernSpankin

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

In all honestly, sub drop is no joke and if a Dom doesnt want to be picking up some very messy pieces he will give proper after care. I am not saying he should play house boy, but he should deffinetly be taking care of his sub.


Magik


Yeah, and on Christianity forums, I have come across people swearing on their mother's graves that they are being haunted by demons, and they will gather together in a discussion thread and have these serious discussions about how what to do about the demons that are haunting them.... examples are using holy water, wearing special medals for protection, saying particular prayers, doing specific actions, etc. Really bizarre stuff.

Yeah, the concept of demon possession and all that is laughable to me and I find that normal people stay out of threads discussing such nonsense. But every blue moon, I'll get involved in such a thread, trying to talk some sense into those people. For example, this blind girl that lives by herself started this thread where she was terrified because she felt she was being haunted by demons. So all the demon possession people show up and get her all worked about about how real all that nonsense is and then I showed up giving all these arguments how it was all nonsense. But yeah, it was a waste of my time. Based on those people's experiences in their lives, they are absolutely convinced that demon possession is no joke.




((scratches her head)) What does that have to do with the price of tea in china???

or sub drop for that matter??

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to SouthernSpankin)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 4:19:46 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VirginPotty

This thread comes after reading the "After Care" thread and all the posts from subs who get everything from cookies & hot chocolate to a meal after a 'session'.  As I posted there, I was always taught that we are there to provide for the Dom's needs, their desires not to be molly-coddled after doing what we're supposed to do. I know after care is important but I'm thinking cuddling, kept warm and going to sleep, not the dom scurrying around, waiting on the sub hand & foot all in the name of preventing sub drop.

Thoughts?


that's what happens when people start applying their reality to others. if it is the dominant's will to care for his property in this manner, it really doesn't matter one iota what anyone thinks. last time i checked she's the one at his feet and he holds her chain, not mine

porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to VirginPotty)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 4:41:04 PM   
quietlycontent


Posts: 15
Joined: 9/8/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet


quote:

ORIGINAL: quietlycontent

Not being big or very knowledgeable on the fetish side of d/s and bdsm i am a little confused. Everyone on here uses the word session, which to me implies more of a business arrangement that lacks affection rather than a caring relationship. To be honest it sounds to me as if  both sub's and Dom'mes use each other simply to scratch an itch.
So where all this caring comes in i haven't a clue. It honestly sounds to me as if  nobody cares about anybody, except themselves.



Don't get hung up on a term. I use session simply because play sounds goofy to me and scene sounds staged. "Session" refers to the time I spend with my partner engaged in intense activity. I am submissive to him always and he is in control always, but this is the time when it is far more focused and used to power such things as pain play, edgy mental and emotional work, and more. For me to enter a "session" means that caring has to be there. It is one of those things that teaches me that I can trust someone. Without trust, I simply will not interact on this level.

I don't like the term session either, but it was the least of the evils when picking something to call that part of our interactions, so there it is. I don't view it as a business transaction, nor does he. It is, in fact, probably the most fulfilling time we spend with another human being and some of the most deeply intimate connections we have ever formed with anyone. I understand the negative reaction to a word, but please be careful applying that to the people using it.

lovingpet


I understand what your saying but to me a session will always be something pre-planned and booked. There is no hint of a loving relationship, affection or warmth. I think the word session should be left as the preserve of the Pro's.
There how about that as a thread, Finding a better word than session.

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 4:45:20 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I would love to. Unfortunately, I'm just not that motivated. I don't care what you call a thing, just what it is. I am more interested in characterisitics. I don't have a use for labels or semantic games. I just don't give a flying watusi for the most part. I do agree, it is a word that doesn't evoke the kind of intense feelings and deep intimacy that I experience within my relationship. Suggestions?

I will now attempt to quit hijacking this thread! LOL

lovingpet

(in reply to quietlycontent)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 4:56:43 PM   
blackpearl81


Posts: 506
Joined: 8/30/2005
From: Home of the Yankees
Status: offline 		Can someone explain what subdrop is? I've heard of sub-space (if I recall correctly, thats similar to a "runners high", correct?) is sub drop the opposite?


Edit:

Never mind. I just saw Magiks post.

< Message edited by blackpearl81 -- 9/10/2009 5:03:29 PM >

_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 5:08:06 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Pearl - You ever play team sports? Get all pumped up about a big game, focus all your energies on it?
And then afterwards, even if you won, you're in pain, you're out of energy, all you want to do is lie around?
It's like that.

What it comes from is that the brain and body only have so much of a chemical on hand. Intense play can use up all of your available supply of endorphins, serotonin, adrenaline and a bunch of others I can't name. You have a great time during but afterwards, typically the next day when you try to get up and do a full day you still haven't recovered, haven't fully replenished what you spent.

Like marathoners carb loading prior to the marathon, it gets them through but not with any energy left for the next couple of days. One glass of water when you've sweated out everything doesn't replace all the lost fluid. And it takes a while to get from your stomach into all the dehydrated cells.

And obviously like it would be harder to run that marathon when tired and thirsty and you haven't eaten more than a bite of junk food here and there for a couple of days, it's harder to play and to recover when you aren't in top shape before you start.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to blackpearl81)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 7:19:22 PM   
Sunnyfey


Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline 		Break your toy, you cant play with your toy again.

Aftercare is taking care of your toy after you play with it. Just like you had to clean your room up as a kid. Some people only needed to make the bed and put a few toys away. Some people had to make the bed military style, put toys away, vacuum, dust  and wash the windows.

Does it means the kids who had to do less were lazy? No, just means they did things a different way.


_____________________________

Resident Hell Cat



(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 7:55:52 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VirginPotty

This thread comes after reading the "After Care" thread and all the posts from subs who get everything from cookies & hot chocolate to a meal after a 'session'.  As I posted there, I was always taught that we are there to provide for the Dom's needs, their desires not to be molly-coddled after doing what we're supposed to do. I know after care is important but I'm thinking cuddling, kept warm and going to sleep, not the dom scurrying around, waiting on the sub hand & foot all in the name of preventing sub drop.

Thoughts?


Yep, I was taught to provide for the owner's needs, too.  That's why it was so dang awkward to learn that his enjoyment is to get me some cold water and snuggle me up after playing with me, whether I am shaking or spacey or not.  He has had to tell me to stay the hell put and let him do what he wants with me - - and in such cases it means coddling me.

Eh.  Call it soft if you want.  I call it doing what he wants.


_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to VirginPotty)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 8:05:39 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		My first thought is that not everyone who plays are submitting or dominating each other. Not all tops are dominant and not all bottoms are submissive.

Second thought who is anyone to say that if a dominant wants to do something nice for their submissive that they shouldn't. I would not consider someone dominant if they submitted to peer pressure and didn't do things they wanted to do because others may view them as soft.

Finally, why can't BDSM encompass the soft and the hard? Skillfully used contrasts can really enhance some things.

This is coming from the perspective of someone who does not need or want a lot of aftercare. Sit me down and let me come back to my senses. He on the other hand really likes to cuddle at times and in those times I submit to it.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to VirginPotty)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 8:08:30 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		For the most part, I like being pampered, but don't really *need* it. Actually, it frequently makes subspace last significantly longer, and sometimes we just get going again (especially at home, without any significant time constraints). I've bottomed casually before with someone who had a volunteer shift afterward, or plans to play with someone else, and was pretty much fine being sent off with a hug and a swat to get my own water and hang out with friends. My new female submissive playpartner prefers to be the one getting water/food/otherwise being of service afterward, unless she's *very* deeply in subspace and can barely move. I often enjoy giving my Master aftercare, such as getting water for him, or massaging his shoulders, arms, and hands. Sometimes we just snuggle up and fall asleep, and at other times, I'm very energised or feel driven to accomplish something useful for him.

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 8:37:50 PM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VirginPotty

This thread comes after reading the "After Care" thread and all the posts from subs who get everything from cookies & hot chocolate to a meal after a 'session'.  As I posted there, I was always taught that we are there to provide for the Dom's needs, their desires not to be molly-coddled after doing what we're supposed to do. I know after care is important but I'm thinking cuddling, kept warm and going to sleep, not the dom scurrying around, waiting on the sub hand & foot all in the name of preventing sub drop.

Thoughts?


My first responsibility as someone's dominant is to see to their safety and well being. If I must "scurry around" to achieve that, so be it.

< Message edited by Acer49 -- 9/10/2009 8:38:12 PM >

_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to VirginPotty)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4 5   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4 5   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094