RE: Has BDSM become "soft"?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Has BDSM become "soft"?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Has BDSM become "soft"?

Page: << < prev 2 3 4 [5] 6 next > >>

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/12/2009 10:43:11 AM

TurboJugend

Posts: 481
Joined: 6/15/2009
Status: offline

even if it is "soft"..why care about others opinion what you do.
If it feels good to you, it must be good.

_____________________________

Justme696 on the otherside
- D stands for Damian....not dude

(in reply to Missokyst)

Profile

Post #: 81

RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/12/2009 11:07:48 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I never let a strangers comment bug me for my own part. If a dominant wants to cuddle and care for his sub, fab. If he wants her to cook dinner, fab. if it works for them that is great. My comments were directed at the OP's presentation that if this is what is happening it is soft. While I don't personally give a rip what any stranger says, I find it offensive to when someone else decides to use what is essentially a derogatory term because it is not the way they were taught. And in this case soft was presented as not being about the master.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TurboJugend

even if it is "soft"..why care about others opinion what you do.
If it feels good to you, it must be good.

(in reply to TurboJugend)

Profile

Post #: 82

RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/12/2009 11:14:15 AM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Ya might want to step back a bit and not let a post ruffle your panties. In that other thread there were very few people that talked about hours of aftercare. Then we have this one where that was the OP's premise.. and indicating it was soft and not how she learned things.
Then your first words back were you agreed.. but said how you are treated. Well.. that is aftercare. That is the pretty much the same deal that most people in the other thread were saying theirs was. Only in the OP's opinion here, that was soft.
So.. first you agreed, then you clarified with what happens with you. Aftercare.

This is what I was pointing out.

I do not see how this is soft. People do what works. Even if as the OP states, it is not the way she learned things.

Well, first off, I'm not the OP. I can't speak for what she thinks or says nor have I tried to.

Secondly, it doesn't ruffle my panties cause I don't wear panties

. You nor anyone else here has the power to ruin my day but it's frankly very irksome when I've posted thousands of times and never done what I felt I was being accused of and then it's like someone just passes by, is having a pissy day and wants to make an example out of me as a one-true-wayer. BS, pure and simple and I was making that clear.

I never said anyone was "soft" or that they should change their ways. Can't you comprehend that? What others said is what OTHERS said, not me. If you don't like what anyone said, tough. They're entitled to their beliefs same as you are. But you will not get by with calling me someone who insists my way is the only and right way. That's a total lie.

luci (with the non-existent ruffled panties but who hates being blamed for something she hasn't done)

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to Missokyst)

Profile

Post #: 83

RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/12/2009 11:24:36 AM

Elisabella

Posts: 3939
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: VirginPotty

This thread comes after reading the "After Care" thread and all the posts from subs who get everything from cookies & hot chocolate to a meal after a 'session'. As I posted there, I was always taught that we are there to provide for the Dom's needs, their desires not to be molly-coddled after doing what we're supposed to do. I know after care is important but I'm thinking cuddling, kept warm and going to sleep, not the dom scurrying around, waiting on the sub hand & foot all in the name of preventing sub drop.

Thoughts?

-FR-

It's in my fiance's best interest to care for me after harsh play. If he didn't, I'd be gone. So the choices are "take care of Bella for an hour before she makes me a sandwich" or "make my own sandwiches til I find a replacement for Bella." The 9 months we've spent apart while I was waiting for my visa gives him a fair idea of what Option 2 entails.

Yes, I know that if all he wanted was "a sub" I'd be replaceable. But I'm the first submissive he's invested thousands of dollars into marrying, so I'm thinking I've set the bar pretty high for the idea of a replacement.

ETA: yeah he doesn't wait on me hand and foot. A snuggle, some kisses, and a bit of spooning while I pass out covers it. *gasps* oh shit, does this mean I now fall into the "low maintenance" category?

< Message edited by Elisabella -- 9/12/2009 11:27:00 AM >

(in reply to VirginPotty)

Profile

Post #: 84

RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/12/2009 11:25:27 AM

TurboJugend

Posts: 481
Joined: 6/15/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TurboJugend

even if it is "soft"..why care about others opinion what you do.
If it feels good to you, it must be good.

oops..sorry wasn't directly meant for you....more in general..
appology for the confusion

_____________________________

Justme696 on the otherside
- D stands for Damian....not dude

(in reply to Missokyst)

Profile

Post #: 85

RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/12/2009 4:47:16 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline

Where is this aftercare thread I have hunted for it and it's not there.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Profile

Post #: 86

RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/12/2009 5:04:45 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

It's in the Ask a Submissive/Slave forum. Happy hunting!

lovingpet

(in reply to Toppingfrmbottom)

Profile

Post #: 87

RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/13/2009 12:42:14 AM

Toppingfrmbottom

Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline

Thank you lovingpet:)

(in reply to lovingpet)

Profile

Post #: 88

RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/13/2009 7:39:45 AM

sblady

Posts: 433
Joined: 9/28/2007
Status: offline

My thoughts are whatever works best for the people involved in a relationship is fine with me.

Some will probably say my Dom is "soft". To be honest, I had no idea what to expect the first time we had an intense (for lack of better words) play session. I wasn't even aware that such a thing called "aftercare" existed. I was surprised that He wanted to cuddle and snuggle together. I'd never been a fan of snuggle and actually leaned towards, "your work here is done, you may leave", but I'm no longer in charge.

Have I become accustomed to His aftercare? Yes. Will I expect the same treatment in future relationships? Eh...don't know.

< Message edited by sblady -- 9/13/2009 7:41:27 AM >

_____________________________

Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values. Dalai Lama

(in reply to VirginPotty)

Profile

Post #: 89

RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/13/2009 9:13:41 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

FR

Who really gives a rip what the unwashed masses think as far as your BDSM goes? There will alwat=ys those who feel the need to make comments or criticisms of anything different to what they do and accept. Bloody Nora, we see this all the time here in the forums with some of the classic criticisms coming from people who just don't have the ability to see outside their own sand box and wail "Bad! Evil! Wrong!" when someone espouses thoughts or ideas or even experiences which differ greatly to what the nay sayers believe in or even understand. Why I ask, do you want to be part of the mediocrity when you can shine on your own? The only people worth taking a whole lot of notice are your peer group if you have one or the views of people who you trust and admire and who have a provable good track record in areas which you are interested in. Just my thoughts others will do what they do.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to sblady)

Profile

Post #: 90

RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/13/2009 9:59:53 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: VirginPotty

This thread comes after reading the "After Care" thread and all the posts from subs who get everything from cookies & hot chocolate to a meal after a 'session'. As I posted there, I was always taught that we are there to provide for the Dom's needs, their desires not to be molly-coddled after doing what we're supposed to do. I know after care is important but I'm thinking cuddling, kept warm and going to sleep, not the dom scurrying around, waiting on the sub hand & foot all in the name of preventing sub drop.

Thoughts?

I've never been told that I'm here to provide for his needs. In fact I've never been told that I'm here to *provide* anything in particular at all.

I don't really see a lot of difference between being *thoughtful after bdsm activities* or being thoughtful at any other time. He's just a thoughtful man altogether. If he thinks a drink and a few minutes nap is called for , then that's what I'll get. If he thinks me making him a coffee is called for, then that's what'll happen. We've never even discussed *aftercare* as a special subject.......he just does what he's always done, which is, whatever he thinks is called for at the time. It's his call.

agirl

(in reply to VirginPotty)

Profile

Post #: 91

RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/13/2009 2:58:56 PM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: VirginPotty

This thread comes after reading the "After Care" thread and all the posts from subs who get everything from cookies & hot chocolate to a meal after a 'session'. As I posted there, I was always taught that we are there to provide for the Dom's needs, their desires not to be molly-coddled after doing what we're supposed to do. I know after care is important but I'm thinking cuddling, kept warm and going to sleep, not the dom scurrying around, waiting on the sub hand & foot all in the name of preventing sub drop.

Thoughts?

i kind of agree with you. but if someone is in sub drop then they do need looking after.

personally ive never dropped after any sort of session, im usually feeling all cathartic and stress free so i cant imagine that being an integral part of it.

but i have needed a cuddle and in past relationships not got one and that has left me feeling needy and lonely. i dealt with those times but chances are the sub drop that followed hours later could have been avoided. but a cuddle is all, i dont want a la carte and cheesecake

this last weekend i had a few 'new territory' situations thrust upon me and i bowled along like a good little slave, feeling at times uncomfortable, other times awkward and in the end, completely and totally thrilled to bits with it all. my Masters expectation was that i would bowl along like a good little slave and i did, but at the same time His consideration and care of me was constant. a huge big fuss wasnt made atall and would have felt completely wrong and actually, if He had made a huge big fuss instead of just taking what was His, it would have felt like my power was being returned to me.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to VirginPotty)

Profile

Post #: 92

RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/13/2009 3:44:52 PM

Scala

Posts: 63
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline

I realise its a bit off topic but what on earth is "Sub Frenzy " ?? ... is it something a subbie does if she /he does not get the aftercare they want :-)

scala

edit : my apologies I used the search funtion ( which i should have done before asking ) and found what I was looking for

< Message edited by Scala -- 9/13/2009 4:08:51 PM >

(in reply to MasterSlaveLA)

Profile

Post #: 93

RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/14/2009 8:52:53 AM

lucebella

Posts: 13
Joined: 5/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

So, is he aware that YOU are the one that's REALLY in charge here... making that decision for the both of you?!!

Well my goodness of course not.... if I was left completely alone after an intense session with no one to help bring me back down to earth, etc, (ESPECIALLY the first one) I would be far too terrified to continue; much too fearful to allow us to progress. If a Dom wants to push His sub further and further, it makes sense that he makes sure he/she is never afraid of the consequences, that's what I meant.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Profile

Post #: 94

RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/14/2009 8:58:10 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

FR

The only time when BDSM goes soft is when a Master/Dom can't get it up....

Exactly... and there's no excuses with so many 'its' to use is there???

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to IronBear)

Profile

Post #: 95

RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/14/2009 10:12:15 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

I have been thinking about this thread and the softness/tenderness a Dom/Domme can give after a scene... or any time for that matter and I believe they can only do that if they are comfortable with who they are.
This isn't a game for most. This is as real as its going to get and what you have here (for many) is a relationship. Relationships should never be about just taking/using there partner. A relationship is about the giving and sharing of everything including emotions.
It would be interesting to know if those that find giving aftercare as soft (as in a weakness) would also consider a Dominants tears to be a weakness too?

I have known subs that don't want the aftercare. They like that used feeling.... the hard man/woman act and thats fine but its not something that tends to develop into a strongly bonded relationship.

I will add to this that up until meeting and being with my Dominant man, I never knew such loving tenderness existed. When he touches me gently with those hands that can be so cruel I know I'm in the right place.

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Profile

Post #: 96

RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/14/2009 12:00:15 PM

VirginPotty

Posts: 11624
Joined: 7/16/2008
From: Virginville
Status: offline

quote:

When he touches me gently with those hands that can be so cruel I know I'm in the right place.

Very nicely put, ATJ. I too have been thinking about this thread but more about the wording in my original post AND the other thread that led to this thread. I'd like to publicly apologize for being so "judgemental". I read each & every response left here and as the majority said, "If that's what the Dom wants then who am I to call it "soft"

I'm being taught by an "old school Dom" who believes such acts toward a sub "soft" yet on the flip side does not deny me aftercare (holding me tight, spooning etc) but anything I need better be on the table beforehand (liquids, foods etc) because he has no intention of getting that for me and when I mentioned the "AfterCare" thread to him he started telling me how "soft" he thought BDSM has become..........thus a thread was born.

Again, my apologies for sounding judgemental.

_____________________________

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Profile

Post #: 97

RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/14/2009 7:53:49 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

After care comes in so many forms. I can remember training with my late Sensei, his son and daughter when afterwards he would treat each of us for injuries which had occurred from bruises, welts to other damages. This man was a hard teacher with generations of family history behind him in Japan. He saw the after car as part of being a teacher and needed to have his students ready for the next day's training. Did he care? Of course he did, he was my "Second Father" and my trust in him was implicit as was his in me.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to VirginPotty)

Profile

Post #: 98

RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/14/2009 8:11:08 PM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SilentSpark
OK... For those of you "true slaves" who doesn't need after care, who think they have to right to determine how much after care other doms should give to his/her sub. who believes dom who give "too much" after care is soft service dom, who think sub drop is just some nonsense we invented to get extra attention, who think subs are not human but really just a piece of toy even cheaper than a dildo, I mean, even a dildo needs to be cleaned afterwards, but you~~~perfect little sub, you don't need that~~~LOL, you don't need anything.

Hmm, since I was one of the slaves who said I don't *need* a lot of aftercare, although I do enjoy it, I'm not sure if you meant me as well. I'm not criticising anyone for their needs and choices. I started out doing BDSM very informally, as a Domme for 5 years. I hadn't read about "aftercare." I cuddled him before, after, and during our play. If one of us didn't feel like moving afterward, whoever felt mobile would get up and get water/etc. if needed. We didn't generally need to drive anywhere or be coherent. I've played with other switches a lot - if we take turns tying up and thwacking each other, either in the same scene or back to back, there isn't a clear "top" or "Dominant" role. Again, most of the time, we cuddled and took care of each other, and lots of time, "aftercare"/cuddling wound up rolling right back into play on a heartbeat's notice. Sometimes, I've been tired, or he has, and we pretty much fall asleep in each other's arms without eating or drinking anything, or any more active cosseting.

If one of us has something to do right afterward, I'm fine with taking care of myself (or if we're at a public playparty, hanging out with a friend). That doesn't make me any better than people who need more pampering, or people who want to be left alone. If it's at all feasible, I'm always up for cuddle time, regardless of if it's before, during, or after.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 9/14/2009 8:38:33 PM >

(in reply to SilentSpark)

Profile

Post #: 99

RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/14/2009 8:17:36 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

Hi Potty,

I understand often times we know what we know, and really can't understand or relate to something that might be really different. My last owner actually laughed at the concept of after care (literally) and enjoyed leaving me in a heap on the floor - and by leaving I mean he'd leave...as in go home. For me, after care was whatever I could muster on my own, once I could stand up.

Admittedly I would read posts about slaves getting all this wonderful treatment and would feel a touch of sadness inside...and yet I could not possibly relate and, with my former owner's influence, thought anyone who wanted aftercare was lacking somehow. It's all I knew, after all.

These last few months I've had to seriously adjust to someone who really enjoys holding me, caressing me, and telling me he loves me. The hardest part of my growing enslavement has been to accept that he likes and wants to do things for me, and insists on it. I'll tell you, it's opened my eyes to concepts I never had the ability to consider before.

So I get where your thread came from. And I applaud you for seeing the responses to it and offering your apology.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to VirginPotty)

Profile

Post #: 100