CallaFirestormBW
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Joined: 6/29/2008
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Relationships are built on whatever we mutually -decide that they're built on. To me, it's all about why you go into the relationship. If I go into a relationship for the affection/emotional aspect of the relationship, then that will be the thing that, if it isn't there, will make that relationship feel "unfulfilling". If I go into it for authority-transfer dynamics, and those aren't happening, then the relationship isn't meeting its expectations. In the same way, if there are multiple aspects in a relationship, we let the people around us know what is and isn't important to us, and being pro-active about those things is important.
I don't think that there is anything wrong with ending a relationship that is unsatisfying -- however, it seems to me that many people confuse themselves and others about what is important in their relationship through decisions they make when it comes to combining their personal relationships with society. For example, many individuals who are in authority-exchange dynamics get married. Now authority exchange dynamics have a certain set of expectations -- and marriage has a completely -different- set of expectations in modern society. When we tangle up the expectations, and then ask other peoples' opinions about what to do when we aren't finding a relationship fulfilling, it makes sense that we're going to get information that may not bear any real resemblance to anything that will be helpful.
The way to get around this is, if we choose to enter into societal contracts that might confuse what is important to us in a relationship, we need to 'customize' the general relationship, and actually take the time to shape the societal contract into something that -still- reflects the actual relationship we were seeking.
One thing that -may- make this a bit difficult is a situation where the people getting -into- the relationship aren't honest with one another about what they're seeking/expecting. They enter into relationship-style A, with the expectation that they can manipulate it and turn it into relationship-style B... which is all good if both partners were -really- looking at relationship-style A as a doorway to a relationship-style B... but if one's partner was really -looking- for a relationship-style A... then style B may not make it for hir, and xhe's going to be -very- unhappy over the long haul when relationship-style B doesn't fulfill hir original expectations under which xhe entered into a relationship in the first place.
Honesty solves almost all of these problems. Where honesty doesn't help is when circumstances outside of our control (illness, accident, etc.) lean on our relationships and -everyone's- expectations are turned on their head. Then we have to decide whether those kind of unanticipated situations are something we feel capable of dealing with or not. For example, one of my companions -absolutely- cannot handle the idea of having to take care of a chronically or terminally ill person. We discovered this when I got -very-, -very-, ill. That's a sucky time to figure out that the person you're with can't handle taking care of you, but hey, all of us have things we can't handle, right? Why should it be a huge surprise that some folks can't handle something that they -thought- they'd be able to (but had no experience with)?
Now we were in a relationship for the emotional/intellectual/metaphysical aspects. To me, those didn't go away because xhe discovered that xhe couldn't take care of me when I was sick... instead, I just made arrangements (with hir help) to make sure that if I got sick, we had help to take on the things xhe couldn't. If we hadn't been able to do that, and hir staying with me meant that xhe'd feel compelled to care for me, I would have encouraged our separation -- with at least enough separation that xhe wouldn't feel compelled to be my primary caregiver... but I wouldn't stop feeling affection for hir, enjoying hir company, etc.
If you aren't happy in your relationship, try to sort it out. Get help if you need to, and -definitely- get the other person/people in the relationship into the discussion. If you can't sort it out, then make an adult decision about whether you can honestly be invested in the relationship. If not, then do yourself and the other person(s) a favor and let go. While it's hard to see a relationship end, it is my opinion that it is better for a relationship to end than for people to continue a farce in the interests of (1) not looking bad to outsiders, or (2)clinging to avoid feeling guilty about letting go, or (3)playing the martyr.
Dame Calla
< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 9/27/2009 7:50:40 PM >
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Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"
"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer
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