sskitten
Posts: 43
Joined: 9/15/2005
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quote:
i am curious what trust and faith mean to both Dominants and submissives. Sometimes i have trouble being the trustworthy person i wish to be.
Also when do we stop beating our heads agains the wall? Accept that things aren't what we want and may never be?
Okay, after having slogged through 7 pages of this thread, may I bring it back to the OP? Slavekoko, if you are still reading this thread, I notice that your post is the one and only post you've ever made on these boards to date. (Welcome!) After posing your question you have remained silent as the discussion has raged on. Has any of this been helpful at all? I've read your profile and journal and I note that you have been on collarme for a bit over two years and started looking for a D/s relationship a year before that. You sound rather discouraged in your journal, and I feel for you. Here, you've not just asked what trust and faith mean, but you have stated very honestly and poignantly that sometimes you have trouble being the trustworthy person you wish to be. Putting together your post with your journal, it seems that beating your head against the wall seems to refer not to a bad relationship but to the lack of any meaningful D/s relationship having developed during your three-year search to date... and I can understand why that would be discouraging, but I hope you do not give up on your search.
Even though my circumstances are quite different from yours, I've had to think a lot about trust and faith too because sometimes I have had trouble being a trustworthy person. It seems most folks here assume that a person's character is constant whether they are operating in the vanilla world or the D/s world. And since there is a basic presumption that we all need to be absolutely trustworthy and trusting in the D/s world, maybe there is a parallel assumption that the same person is absolutely trustworthy in the vanilla world.
It's not so for me. It's not so for any married person who is being the slightest bit unfaithful, who is seeking something in the D/s world without the full knowledge and consent of the spouse... and that is my case, and that is the case for my Dom.
And so I do sometimes wonder about this. How is it that I can have absolute trust in someone here in the D/s world - trusting in his honesty, openness, integrity, and fidelity in this world - while knowing that he does not merit this same trust from his vanilla wife? And how can he have absolute trust in me - in my honesty, openness, integrity, and fidelity in this world - while knowing that I do not merit this same trust from my vanilla husband? And yet this is how it is in my D/s relationship and probably for nearly all D/s relationships even when there is rampant cheating on spouses.
So it makes me wonder: are we different people in our two different worlds? Are we fooling ourselves? Or what is it about the D/s world that makes it easier for us to be the noble selves we cannot seem to be in the vanilla world?
For me, faith figures into the answer. I'm not talking here about faith in the person or faith in myself. For me, it's faith in the journey.
I have faith that this journey to the as-yet-undiscovered core of myself is worth the risks. I have faith - after a lifetime of denial - that the secret longings I've felt since childhood merit some serious real-life consideration. I have faith that the Dom who claims to be leading me to where I want and need to go actually understands where I want and need to go... and knows how to lead me there. There are good grounds for my faith, but some faith is still required, each step of the way, because it is a journey into the unknown... the unknown in myself and the unknown in Us.
Sadly, I do not have this same faith in my husband or the vanilla journey we are on. And that is why I find it so very hard to be a faithful wife. This is not a justification... just a vague and partial understanding of why it is hard... (not impossible, but hard).....
I understand that in order for my marriage to survive and succeed, unfortunately I need to pretend to be at peace inside myself when I am not. I understand that if I am fully honest and open in my marriage, the marriage will collapse. Not every marriage would collapse, but mine would. And yet I don't just believe but *know* that my D/s relationship depends upon my complete honesty and openness, and the more honest and open I am with myself and with my Dom, the more our relationship thrives. Of course it should be that way in a healthy marriage too... but I guess the marriage of every cheating spouse is a crippled one, not a healthy one. Maybe it was crippled before the cheating began but the cheating cripples it all the more.
And so sometimes it's pretty hard to live in my skin these days, because the Real Me is finally coming to life (at the ripe old age of 50!) and that feels absolutely wonderful.... but it also feels absolutely horrible to be hurting my trusting family (when they are unaware of the hurt) but even more horrible to think of coming clean and destroying the family in the process.
For me, what this means is that I place even *more* faith in the journey... I have to believe it's worth it for my inner growth, in order to take this terrible risk with the happiness of my family. And it means I place even *more* trust in myself and my Dom that we will continue to be all we hope to be, and all we claim to be, and all we can be.
Does this render our trust and faith delusional, based on need more than a solid foundation? Not at all.
For me, perhaps the most significant evidence that my trust is well-placed is that my Dom is leading me to be a better person on the home front, for the direct benefit of my family. (It would be off-topic on this already-too-long post to detail the ways, but there are many.)
I guess my point is that for some of us it's not so tidy and black-and-white, but even if our trustworthiness in the vanilla world might be an undeniable shade of gray, we can still celebrate the joys of absolute trust and faith with someone special in the D/s world.
I guess for me the times when I have trouble being a trustworthy person are when I fear a grievous loss as an outcome of being trustworthy... loss of a loved one, or loss of self. The times when I have no trouble being trustworthy are when I am fearless - when I have faith that my trustworthiness will not result in a loss but in profound gains - when the best interests of the relationship align with my inner needs.
As to when do we stop beating our heads against a wall and accept that things aren't what we want and may never be.... hmmm. That's what I finally accepted in my marriage. But rather than just give up (either give up on my marriage or give up on my inner longings), I finally decided to seek a solution even though it was not the one I *thought* I should be seeking or the one my husband would approve of. The question almost seems to be asking, "When do we give up and reconcile ourselves with less than what we want and need?" I hope we never give up. But I hope we don't keep beating our heads against walls, either. When the beaten wall does not produce an open doorway, we can stop the beating while seeking another way over, under, around, or through the wall.
That's where absolute faith in the journey can sustain us... even in the absence of a specific person in whom to place our absolute trust and faith... even in the face of our flaws.
Hang in there -
Kitten
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