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ArtCatDom -> RE: One Dominants controversial thought on d/s (3/20/2006 7:21:52 AM)
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ORIGINAL:cillydom
Respect and how it can ruin the d/s relationship. I know those are fighting words. For the dominant to extract his desires from his submissive he cant be overly concerned with displaying respect for her. After all if he’s to humiliate and objectify her, too much respect would only be a hindrance. This doesn’t mean he may not love her but that he’s not going to let that get in the way. After all he’s going to use her in ways he would never try with women to whom he had to socially show respect. The submissive woman doesn’t want an overly hesitant dominant always afraid he’s hurting her feelings.
As a person, I simply can't bring myself to be with someone that I do not respect. I need to feel as though my partner has a sense of themselves, vigorously holds to their identity and can rub a few brain cells together now and again. If I wanted someone I wasn't corcerned about respecting, I would hit a college bar and find a drunk sorority girl who likes a little kink.
As a Dom, I have no real interest in objectifying a sub and little interest in humiliating them. If I wanted something to objectify, I can purchase a RealDoll tailored to my exact wants. If I wanted to humiliate somone, the internet age has made a world of idiots available at a click to tear apart. I've had no need to treat my subs like objects or degrade them to maintain control or maintain a feeling of control.
If you think love gets in the way of treating a sub like a sub, I would question both your concept of love and your concept of how a sub needs to be treated. I feel that, as you yourself mentioned, BDSM relationships are just that ... relationships. If the kink is a greater priority than the emotions, I would argue that the emotions may certainly be some kind of love but certainly not Love. Regardless, I don't see why there even has to be a conflict between love and kink at all, if both are a distinct part of the relationship.
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Years of lifestyle experience and the gift of submission. O, please. First off, it’s not a gift, she craves to be there in fact it may even be in desperation that she’s there. I know it’s not the common fantasy, but it is the reality. She craves the use the dominant puts her to. It’s an inner need, it’s not a chosen need. Who in their right mind would choose to be either a dominant or a submissive? life in the vanilla world is so much easier. Being a good dominant takes desire, thought, work and persistence few men can comprehend. When I first began to understand what my dominant feelings meant, I joined the scene so to say, I came to realize early on that after attending a few meetings most any submissive woman was ruined, and would need years of intense psychotherapy at the hands of a good dominant to set her mind right. They were filled with the idea that she was in charge and that she was a precious commodity to be cherished and respected. She was imbued with idea that she could just say “no” and all would be well. When in fact that was farthest from what she needed. Most dominants prefer someone with little so called “lifestyle experience” but great desire and need. He prefers to teach her himself to be the object of his desires. Self education may exercise the fantasy but does little or nothing to prepare her for the reality of a d/s relationship. After all fantasies are episodic, d/s is full time. Big difference.
I happen to agree with the view that submission is a gift given to a Dom/me. Certainly I have cherished that gift each time it was given to me. It is a raw intimacy. In many cases, subs are literally putting their life in the Dom/me's hands. The differance between a bound sub and a well-tied corpse at the bottom of a river (to be extreme) is what the Dom/me does after the sub is restrained. To degrade that trust and love by implying it should not be cherished and respected is anathema to me.
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Objectification is a means to instill a feeling of humiliation in her, it removes from her, her personhood, her individuality, hence her right to refuse. She becomes an object to be used without thought, a vessel to fulfill his every desire.
This is utterly repulsive to me. I most honestly believe that our individual natures are a gift from our Creator and that to destroy that is among the worst blasphemies.
I would add that the only thing distinguishing rape and kink is consent. Call me a fan of safe, sane and consentual.
Just adding my own views on the matter, given they so sharply diverge from yours.
*meow*
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