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RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/18/2009 9:26:48 PM

subtee

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quote:

ORIGINAL: impishlilhellcat

Subtee,

Life has a funny way of working out. Just when you stop looking you may find what is you've been wanting all along.

Babe, what is it I want? I could be so good for someone...

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RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/18/2009 9:32:17 PM

littlewonder

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Do what you wanna do, not what everyone else wants you to do. Marriage for me is a sacred act and not something to be taken lightly.

Get married because it's in your heart, not because you think that's what you should do.

I know you are wise and have a really good relationship. Is that what your goal was? Did you set out to create it?

I set out to seek a man who wanted the same things in life I wanted. I sought out a long term committed relationship with someone who wants me as much as I want him.

We're not married though but I set out to create the type of life I desire.

I have been married though but we were childhood sweethearts and there was never a doubt that we wouldn't marry. We were very much in love and felt the same way about marriage. May he RIP.

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RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/18/2009 9:34:40 PM

subtee

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

tee, when you say your "family is going to leave you all alone", do you mean they're going to ostracize you?

I mean they will ostracize me to an extent...they'll keep me in the fold as long as I try...when I say I don't want to get married, or meet someone they want me to, it's sooo disappointed. Do you know that feeling?

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Post #: 43

RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/18/2009 9:36:48 PM

impishlilhellcat

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

quote:

ORIGINAL: impishlilhellcat

Subtee,

Life has a funny way of working out. Just when you stop looking you may find what is you've been wanting all along.

Babe, what is it I want? I could be so good for someone...

I think really only you can decide what it is you want. Ultimately while you are a fabulous person who would make an excellent mate for someone else if you go blindly in pursuit of marriage you may not get the same thing back.

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RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/18/2009 9:38:23 PM

wulfgarw

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Do you feel then that you aren't living up to their express expectations(such as the overloud, very public question "Why you not give me grandchild!?!) ? Or to the expectation that you feel that you "owe" to them (That's what they're doing so the same is expected of me...) ? Simply put, is this direct pressure from them, or self-imposed?

Like Impishhellcat said, love can happen at the most unexpected time. I take it that you have no interest in a vanilla guy/girl, so that only means it'll take a little more time to find what you want, like finding a good colored, clear gemstone than what's likely available at your local jeweler.

Love is love. Marriage is marriage. Too often people muddy the two. Toss expectation right out the window, and live for what's right there with you.

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Post #: 45

RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/18/2009 9:38:28 PM

subtee

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Do what you wanna do, not what everyone else wants you to do. Marriage for me is a sacred act and not something to be taken lightly.

Get married because it's in your heart, not because you think that's what you should do.

I know you are wise and have a really good relationship. Is that what your goal was? Did you set out to create it?

I set out to seek a man who wanted the same things in life I wanted. I sought out a long term committed relationship with someone who wants me as much as I want him.

We're not married though but I set out to create the type of life I desire.

I have been married though but we were childhood sweethearts and there was never a doubt that we wouldn't marry. We were very much in love and felt the same way about marriage. May he RIP.

And may I ask you, if you believe fortune was with you or you made your fortune?

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RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/18/2009 9:43:50 PM

subtee

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quote:

ORIGINAL: wulfgarw

Do you feel then that you aren't living up to their express expectations(such as the overloud, very public question "Why you not give me grandchild!?!) ? Or to the expectation that you feel that you "owe" to them (That's what they're doing so the same is expected of me...) ? Simply put, is this direct pressure from them, or self-imposed?

Like Impishhellcat said, love can happen at the most unexpected time. I take it that you have no interest in a vanilla guy/girl, so that only means it'll take a little more time to find what you want, like finding a good colored, clear gemstone than what's likely available at your local jeweler.

Love is love. Marriage is marriage. Too often people muddy the two. Toss expectation right out the window, and live for what's right there with you.

I haven't lived up to their expectations. I am VP of my company but it doesn't console them; I'll be alone. I know I will because I sorta built my life that way. They, bless them, won't be okay with that because it's not life-fullfilling, and they're right.
I would be happier with someone to make happy. Some of us are given, some are not. I still gotta live.

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Post #: 47

RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/18/2009 9:47:55 PM

subtee

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quote:

ORIGINAL: impishlilhellcat

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

quote:

ORIGINAL: impishlilhellcat

Subtee,

Life has a funny way of working out. Just when you stop looking you may find what is you've been wanting all along.

Babe, what is it I want? I could be so good for someone...

I think really only you can decide what it is you want. Ultimately while you are a fabulous person who would make an excellent mate for someone else if you go blindly in pursuit of marriage you may not get the same thing back.

You're so right and so what I do is go to work and come home and work on my house. My family sees a bleak future for me in this way. Maybe they're not wrong. Maybe

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RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/18/2009 9:49:45 PM

impishlilhellcat

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I guess I don't understand how a family could see this as a bad situation if what you do makes you happy.

You can't please everyone and you only get one life and you should live for you.

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RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/18/2009 9:53:21 PM

subtee

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Part of it is my ex, "The Creature" who is the fucking fucker bigwig assholedude. Continually going bigger, higher, better, more expensive. Fucker.

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RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/18/2009 9:55:38 PM

corsetgirl

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Quote from subtee:

I come home from them sobbing. I love what they have and I love to see it...I hate that I hurt them to not have the same thing.
[/quote]

Subtee:

Oh boy! I could relate to that situation as my folks were married to each other for 48 years until my dad died. My mother gets worried that once she is gone, I will be alone because I am an only child. However, I have vanilla friends and lifestyle friends, too.

I got married without my parents' approval and that was a mistake on my part because after 4 years of going through misery with my ex-husband, we got a divorce. For me, that was freedom because I was not in a good place.

Before my dad died, he told me that he wanted me to be happy whether I would be alone or with someone else. He also told me that being alone was not so bad and we both knew there were family members on his side of the family that never got married.

I like getting to know myself and not have someone define me. Oh yeah, I also love the freedom that married people don't have like being a little spontaneous at times.

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RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/18/2009 9:58:47 PM

AlexandraLynch

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I've been in a relationship with my husband for twenty years, and married for fifteen. Marriage is work. You BOTH have to work at it, you BOTH have to be committed to it working, no matter what it takes to make it work between you two. It helps a whole lot to make sure that you're compatible on the large issues, and to have shared interests. (That's why Eharmony works; it acts like a yenta and sorts people out and introduces people who have similar tastes and interests.) But compatibility is only the beginning of it.

After a certain point, it gets easier, because you trust the other person, and you're used to them, and are good with each other. But you don't get that with a marriage license. You get it with work to be real and honest and to accept the other person and walk jointly in a direction you agree on.

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RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/18/2009 9:59:08 PM

subtee

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Ah so good to have that. Especially memory of your Dad getting you and loving you how you are. I can tell in what you write here! It matters, lucky girl. (((hug)))

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RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/18/2009 10:05:39 PM

wulfgarw

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

quote:

ORIGINAL: wulfgarw

Do you feel then that you aren't living up to their express expectations(such as the overloud, very public question "Why you not give me grandchild!?!) ? Or to the expectation that you feel that you "owe" to them (That's what they're doing so the same is expected of me...) ? Simply put, is this direct pressure from them, or self-imposed?

Like Impishhellcat said, love can happen at the most unexpected time. I take it that you have no interest in a vanilla guy/girl, so that only means it'll take a little more time to find what you want, like finding a good colored, clear gemstone than what's likely available at your local jeweler.

Love is love. Marriage is marriage. Too often people muddy the two. Toss expectation right out the window, and live for what's right there with you.

I haven't lived up to their expectations. I am VP of my company but it doesn't console them; I'll be alone. I know I will because I sorta built my life that way. They, bless them, won't be okay with that because it's not life-fullfilling, and they're right.
I would be happier with someone to make happy. Some of us are given, some are not. I still gotta live.

K then. This is what I want you to do. Take a blank sheet of paper, and write out all of the expectations that people have of you. (save work obligations) Hurt. Pain. Worries. Anxieties. All of it. Put them in a envelope and seal it. Leave it overnight. Come back the next day, without opening it, destroy it. Tear it up, throw it in the shredder, burn it, toss it out the window going down the road, doesn't matter how.

Give yourself a few hours to decompress by doing something that relaxes you. Cup of tea, bubble bath, read a book by the fireplace, again, does not matter. So long as you are centered (zen) and calm.

Take another sheet of paper. And write 6 words on it. First three are 3 things that make you happy. Second set is 3 one word thoughts that bring you peace. The thoughts must be independent of all outside (religious, political, socioeconomic) influence. Take your time, you have all the time in the world. For this second page, the world outside of your head does not exist. You are floating on a purple cloud in a clear blue sky.

Post that one up where you can see it. And when things get heavy, look at it, for it will be a charter of your free mind.

Nothing else matters. The only thing that really counts is the here and now that makes you happy.

< Message edited by wulfgarw -- 10/18/2009 10:10:17 PM >

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RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/18/2009 10:11:22 PM

subtee

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AlexandraLynch

I've been in a relationship with my husband for twenty years, and married for fifteen. Marriage is work. You BOTH have to work at it, you BOTH have to be committed to it working, no matter what it takes to make it work between you two. It helps a whole lot to make sure that you're compatible on the large issues, and to have shared interests. (That's why Eharmony works; it acts like a yenta and sorts people out and introduces people who have similar tastes and interests.) But compatibility is only the beginning of it.

After a certain point, it gets easier, because you trust the other person, and you're used to them, and are good with each other. But you don't get that with a marriage license. You get it with work to be real and honest and to accept the other person and walk jointly in a direction you agree on.

God I know you're right and while I accept my own blame in the marriage, honestly, the creature was more interested in making "it work" with his secretary. Sucker gets 0 points for originality there.

Truth is, it all shaped my life more than I ever realized. I'm gonna trust another one? The night after he was in a hotel with her, he was rubbing my thighs on the couch. No point in going that direction again, is what I'm thinking. And Sugar Daddy Dom man wants to take care of me. I can't! Wrong with me??

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RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/18/2009 10:19:41 PM

DarkSteven

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SubTee, you're getting it backwards. If you meet some man and decide you want to be married to him, then well and good. But wanting the marriage and looking for a man who simply will play the part of the groom - that's not healthy.

There are men who you could be happily married to, and those who you shouldn't be within fifty feet of.

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RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/18/2009 10:30:47 PM

corsetgirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

Ah so good to have that. Especially memory of your Dad getting you and loving you how you are. I can tell in what you write here! It matters, lucky girl. (((hug)))

Thank you, he was an amazing man and I still miss him.

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RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/18/2009 10:38:19 PM

subtee

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I hope you know how much I respect you. Also the lust.

Nonetheless, Darling, I don't wanna get married.

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RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/18/2009 10:41:21 PM

hlen5

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

tee, when you say your "family is going to leave you all alone", do you mean they're going to ostracize you?

I mean they will ostracize me to an extent...they'll keep me in the fold as long as I try...when I say I don't want to get married, or meet someone they want me to, it's sooo disappointed. Do you know that feeling?

Subtee,

1) Look for and marry THE man that makes you happy. Are there any hobbies (that YOU like for their own sake) that would let you meet new people? Maybe you should ease up on work to make your life more balanced. And take pride in what you have accomplished via work!!

2) Like Cher says "Life ain't no dress rehearsal." Live your life for yourself, not for anyone else's expectations.

3) People who have your best interests at heart won't want you to get married just for the sake of being married.

4) Not all men are cheating dicks.

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RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/18/2009 10:45:57 PM

soul2share

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Tee, every marriage is different. Both of my sisters are happily married, I am the divorced one in the family. My parents just hit the 50 year mark, and not without a lot of ups and downs....even now my mom has said that if she wasn't so old (BAH!), she'd walk out. I know my mom worries about me because she believes that I am "alone" in the world. But she also knows that I am happy with my life, so I don't get the "why don't you get married again?" conversation.

I don't know, maybe it's because I'm selfish when it comes to my life....but the only person who will determine how I live it is ME. Have you tried just telling your parents that all is well in your life, that you are happy with it? I don't have any pat answers, but if my family was the type to make my life difficult when I'm with them, then I'd just stop going. But getting married just because they think it would make you happy....well, you strike me as a woman who would know how that would work out!

And I agree with the statement that if you stop looking, it will find you....I did, and it did. Unfortunately, things didn't work out as I'd hoped, but not because of the lack of emotion between us. Life just got in the way, and we're hoping that maybe, somewhere down the road, we can be together again.

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