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RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/18/2009 11:46:59 PM

Wolf2Bear

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yanno subtee......you could always come here to Canada and make this bear an honest bear!!!!! (joking)
I don't know but maybe it's different for men as I know I got that pressure from the family during my 20's and it took me loosing my cool and bluntly saying to everyone to back the fcuk off. I mean yes, I may get married though it will be to the right person and when/if that happens, biological family will probably not be there. I've managed to create a non biological family and the leather family I belong to will be in attendance as the support I get from them is honest and without strings attached.

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Post #: 61

RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/19/2009 1:32:25 AM

wandersalone

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Subtee let me turn this around a little.... how fair would it be for you to marry someone when you don't wish to be married and would only be doing it to save yourself from feeling lonely and get your family off your back? Is it fair or respectful or honourable to you or to the person you marry?

I know exactly how you feel by the way as a 40 something daughter of parents who have been married for 49 years and coming from a culture where girls grow up to marry and have children, not a career. At times it almost breaks my heart to hear my parents talk about how they worry that I will be alone and how much they worry about me and so I keep on reminding them about how I work hard to have a fulfilling career and wonderful friends and every once in a while a pretty nice relationship.

I have so many friends who have been through one or two divorces and I have seen the pain that has ensured for them and any sprogs, I see what happens when getting married for the wrong reasons turns into bitterness and hate. I don't want to have that happen so until (if ) I meet someone whom I can honestly say I want to marry and be with forever I am choosing to be happy as a single woman. and it is a conscious choice I have had to make to be a happy single woman.

smiles... sending you some hugs as I truly do know what you are going through

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Post #: 62

RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/19/2009 2:21:35 AM

sirsholly

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

Get married. Why shouldnt you be a miserable as everyone else???

*nods*

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Post #: 63

RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/19/2009 3:55:20 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Do what you wanna do, not what everyone else wants you to do. Marriage for me is a sacred act and not something to be taken lightly.

Get married because it's in your heart, not because you think that's what you should do.

I know you are wise and have a really good relationship. Is that what your goal was? Did you set out to create it?

I set out to seek a man who wanted the same things in life I wanted. I sought out a long term committed relationship with someone who wants me as much as I want him.

We're not married though but I set out to create the type of life I desire.

I have been married though but we were childhood sweethearts and there was never a doubt that we wouldn't marry. We were very much in love and felt the same way about marriage. May he RIP.

And may I ask you, if you believe fortune was with you or you made your fortune?

I make my own fortune. If I want something then I work to put the pieces in place to attract what it is I want.

(in reply to subtee)

Post #: 64

RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/19/2009 11:20:16 AM

lesizmore

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Joined: 8/28/2008
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Well, subtee, after reading what everyone including you yourself wrote, it seems to me the best thing you can do now would be to try to reconcile with your ex-husuband. Sounds like you have a history with him. So what if he screwed around with his secretary? Have a little something on the side yourself and forget about it. Sounds like he gave you most of what you need.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 65

RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/19/2009 11:47:02 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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We were at the car rental counter in Seattle and the gentleman helping us pick up the car had just finished explaining that it was company policy to charge $26 extra if the additional driver was not the renter's legally recognized spouse when Master turned to this slave and said...

"Looks like we're getting married!!"

Neither one of us went into this M/s relationship that we enjoy with the eventuality of a marriage on either of our agenda's. it just got to the point that NOT taking advantage of the perks of being legally bound to each other like that made no sense.

best wishes to you.

(in reply to subtee)

Post #: 66

RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/19/2009 3:38:59 PM

sblady

Posts: 433
Joined: 9/28/2007
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I know you've received a lot of good answers and thought provoking questions, but I just wanted to say that you have to do what makes you happy.

This type of pressure from family is very sad. I can understand them wanting you to be happy, but at what sacrifice?

I'm 44 years old, never been married, no children and have never lived with a man. This was my choice. I was engaged at the age of 19 and thankfully realized I was getting married for the wrong reasons; my former religion's tenet was it's better to "marry than to burn". Well, not really. It's better to marry for the right reason and hopefully love and respect are the top two reasons for such a commitment. I had another long term (six year) relationship. Although he wanted to marry, it didn't feel right.

I have seven sisters who were all married relatively young. All but one marriage ended in divorce. I'm sure my family has thought many things about my lack of desire to marry. Some even "jokingly" made comments. After a while they knew to refrain from certain comments or I'd no longer attend family functions.

I'm sure our situations are completely different, but you must do what will ultimately make you happy. I truly believe when you meet the one you should marry, you'll know. Not sure how you'll know, but you will.

I worry about being lonely as I grow older, but the alternative of being with someone simply for companionship would likely be worse.

Wishing you the best!!

< Message edited by sblady -- 10/19/2009 3:40:14 PM >

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Post #: 67

RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/19/2009 4:10:20 PM

windchymes

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Take a girlfriend with you next time and tell them you're a lesbian. That'll shut em up!

(Great to see you, quit staying away so much!)

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RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/19/2009 7:57:49 PM

MsFlutter

Posts: 1305
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From: East Coast
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If you don't want to, dont ! Your family wont be the unhappy ones when you really start to resent the legal stranglehold you agreed to - just to shut them up.

When next they lean on you, say 'I have no interest in getting married. Anytime I am nagged about it, I will add five more years to the ' I dont even have to consider it' timeclock that y'all have started in my head.'

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Post #: 69

RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/19/2009 8:20:02 PM

bbwbutterfly

Posts: 30
Joined: 12/10/2006
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Fast Reply... I haven't read all the replies on here so please forgive me if I am already saying something that has been said.

I am speaking from personal past experience of getting married just to please the family... it doesn't work, it doesn't make you or the spouse happy. The only ones happy are the family and they aren't the ones that have to live in the marriage. You end up hating one another (or at least I did) and resenting the time you have to spend with each other.

If I had a chance to go back and do it all over again, I would tell my family too bad. Life is short and I want to enjoy what I can of it. You should too.

(in reply to subtee)

Post #: 70

RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/19/2009 8:41:32 PM

califsue

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Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline

My parents are in their 80's and recently celebrated 65 yrs together. I on the other hand am divorced, plus a failed 20 yr on/off vanilla relationship and my mom
would love to see me married. However, she KNOWS she can't make me get married IF I don't want it.

I told my parents many many years ago their job is to love me and it is NOT their job to decide how to live my life.

I would NOT get married just to please my parents or family. They either love and accept me the way I am or they don't.

(in reply to bbwbutterfly)

Post #: 71

RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/19/2009 9:24:14 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
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I married precisely for own reasons. It worked well for a long time.
I've received roughly proposal a month since my divorce was finalized, none acceptable.
We only get to do this life thing once, as far as I know, so do it on as close to your own terms as possible.
Davan
(Who intends gorgeous corsetry be involved when she remarries)

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RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/19/2009 10:17:10 PM

FullfigRIMAAM1

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Joined: 11/20/2008
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Dear Subtee,
Since in scattered reading here, you've already been married and divorced, my opinion is, don't get remarried unless you really want to. I tell everyone who asks, you need to be married or have one divorce under your belt by the age of 40, or people are going to think you're weird, and unlovable.

You should certainly not get married to make the family happy! In my experience, they are only happy during the festivities, than you're on your own with whatever mistake you married, and they are miserable again anyway. I love and respect the institution of marriage, because I actually had a lovely example of what it ought to be like, but I know there are few things less excruciating than being miserably married. M

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Post #: 73

RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/20/2009 2:27:21 PM

sblady

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Joined: 9/28/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FullfigRIMAAM1

Dear Subtee,
Since in scattered reading here, you've already been married and divorced, my opinion is, don't get remarried unless you really want to. I tell everyone who asks, you need to be married or have one divorce under your belt by the age of 40, or people are going to think you're weird, and unlovable.
M

Heyyy......I resemble that remark!!

_____________________________

Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values. Dalai Lama

(in reply to FullfigRIMAAM1)

Post #: 74

RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/20/2009 3:03:03 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
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Subtee - I've been a hell of a lot more miserable in a marraige than living by myself. And yes, it can be lonely, but it was even more lonely living with a man who was not there emotionally. Infact, most of the time, it felt like i was a landlady with a lodger who had sex priviliges, and got to criticise whatever he felt like criticising.

I understand the part about your family. I told my parents that i was living with my Sir without the benefit of a piece of legal paper - over the phone, because they are half a world away - and the silence was SOLID!!!!! They do not approve - to say the least!

But in the end, i have to live my life for myself and whoever i love and serve, and this is the way we have chosen to live our lives together. My parents don't live with me, and honestly - thank god for that! I love them, and want them to be happy for me, but in this matter, it isn't going to happen. And subtle and unsubtle emotional blackmail isn't going to make it happen.

I think about being alone, and objectively, i will be. Sir is older than me, and has cancer and isn't going to be around when i pop off, but i am not changing anything because i am afraid of being alone. Heck , i would rather have a cat and my parrots than a husband who i didn't love or serve.

Tell your family that you are on Eharmony, and you'll let them know if anything works out. That way, you can say the puter hasn't given you your ideal match yet, and there is still hope. Or do what a friend of mine did - she told them bluntly that every time they bought the subject of marriage up, she would leave - and she did. After a while they quit bringing it up.

(in reply to sblady)

Post #: 75

RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/20/2009 8:43:43 PM

FullfigRIMAAM1

Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sblady

quote:

ORIGINAL: FullfigRIMAAM1
you need to be married or have one divorce under your belt by the age of 40, or people are going to think you're weird, and unlovable.
M
Heyyy......I resemble that remark!!

I'm sorry Sblady... I meant vanilla folks would possibly judge you that way (and I could be wrong), not us open minded collarme folk.

M

_____________________________

The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands.-Robert M. Persig

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence Erich Fromm

(in reply to sblady)

Post #: 76

RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/20/2009 9:38:20 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
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fr

Tell them you can't even begin to engage the idea of marriage until the sex change operation is complete and the federal government changes the laws regarding billy goats. ;)

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Post #: 77

RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/21/2009 6:06:30 AM

Irishknight

Posts: 2016
Joined: 9/30/2007
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I used to tell my family that I was planning to get married but I was busy test driving all the available models and hadn't chosen which one to purchase. This satisfied my Dad, made my mother shake her head and giggle, and it made my nosy aunt get flustered and leave me the hell alone. Then there were the weekend "practice honeymoons" that I would take to "prepare me for marriage." My family finally gave up, convinced that I was never going to quit whoring around (which WAS my plan). As soon as they started to leave me alone about it all, I met a wonderful woman, fell in love, and we've been married for 6 years.

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Post #: 78

RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/21/2009 9:38:53 AM

Acer49

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Joined: 8/7/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

Or the folks and family don't have good feelings about me and will make life harder...I don't wanna get married. But I don't know how to hold out on this...where are you my peeps? Help lil bit please

As much as I love my family. there is no way I would ever marry someone I did not want to. And if they can't deal with my choices, I am sorry but too bad.

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Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
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Post #: 79

RE: I guess I gotta get married? - 10/21/2009 11:32:20 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
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i believe people should get married because they desire to do so as opposed to familial pressure. i'm certain my family would have several stages of conniptions if i elected to live with a man and never married. the first part would probably have them coming unglued. nonetheless you have to take ownership of your life and do what makes you happy. you get one go round and you might as well make it good.

personally i'd like to settle down. i'm at a stage where i'm ready to do so and i know the window of opportunity is closing. meaning if it doesn't happen within a span of time i'll be off to something else. i don't think i will feel unfulfilled, but it is an experience i'd like to have. they don't have an opinion either way. i would gather as long as i'm happy and he's respectable they're fine. there's a few more and's but since i'm searching i'll refrain from stating them. whatever you decide i wish you the best.

porcelaine

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