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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 12:42:40 PM   
Aileen1968


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Why so black and white? I'm sure there are times when people do and times when they don't.

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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 12:45:55 PM   
GreedyTop


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there are subtle cues that I could choose to take any way I wanted to.  Without KNOWING the person, I've got a 50-50 chance of being correct.

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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 12:55:12 PM   
PainfullyCurious


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quote:

ORIGINAL: onlyfreelycaged

I can normally tell if someone is going to be very Dom in bed. Only been wrong about that one once. and even then.. he still takes the lead.


OFC, I've been in a lot of situations where, like DS, I have a hunch about someone and I'm not sure why. Then there are times I know why. Do you know why you can tell if someone will be dom in bed? What gave it away?

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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 1:06:30 PM   
ncbabe


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I'm pretty sure I have 'submissive' written all over me, even when I am in charge and making decisions and telling people what to do.  But it could just be my awareness of it that I think people can see.  I have not found a definitive way of telling whether someone is dominant or submissive in bed.  Like others, I've been right and I've been wrong.  I think you just have to get to know them to find out for sure.

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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 1:08:13 PM   
mnottertail


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arent subs generally on their knees with their mouths wide open and licking their lips?

that's usually a dead give away in my book.

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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 1:09:40 PM   
PainfullyCurious


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No, you were right. I suppose if laying on my back would work I would try it. LOL.
I see your point though. No one's going to show me a secret handshake. It's too much to hope that one exists and I get that. Though it would be nice!
I guess maybe, rather then trying extra hard to incorporate some random action that says "I'm submissive" I'm interesting in figuring out how to be more honest about who I am, and learn what it is that I already may be doing that catches a dom's eye. If it's a part of me that I'm hiding, I'll stop.
You can believe from now on I won't be so apt to keep a poker face when receiving the praise of someone else. I once got the advice that even when you work hard you should try to make it appear like it was effortless. I thought that was bad advice anyway...

Thank you for helping me to define my question more clearly.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hierodule

See, I thought you were asking if there were traits that you could affect, or purpossfully incoporate into your body language that would show potential mates that you are, in fact, sexually submissive. I think it was this line that made me think that:

"If I was a dog, I could lay down, roll over and show my belly- but that's not going to work in real life. :o)
Is there something else I can do?"

I feel like DarkSteven was talking about natural personality traits that come through subconciously, effortlessly, that he happened to pick up on.

There is  always going to be subtle body  language that will tell a person all kinds of things about an other's personality. I just don't think adopting new body language that doesn't come naturally to you is an effective way to communicate important things about yourself to a potential mate. I'm sorry. I guess I misunderstood what you were asking.

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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 1:11:19 PM   
mnottertail


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well, you talk about that eye contact thing in your profile, hows them pics coming?

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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 1:19:18 PM   
Hierodule


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I think this relates to the idea that society sees submissive traits as negative or weak, especially in a professional setting. I think a lot of people have been conditioned to put up a false front and hide their emotions in order to accomplish things. Did  that poker face serve you in you career?

quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious

No, you were right. I suppose if laying on my back would work I would try it. LOL.
I see your point though. No one's going to show me a secret handshake. It's too much to hope that one exists and I get that. Though it would be nice!
I guess maybe, rather then trying extra hard to incorporate some random action that says "I'm submissive" I'm interesting in figuring out how to be more honest about who I am, and learn what it is that I already may be doing that catches a dom's eye. If it's a part of me that I'm hiding, I'll stop.
You can believe from now on I won't be so apt to keep a poker face when receiving the praise of someone else. I once got the advice that even when you work hard you should try to make it appear like it was effortless. I thought that was bad advice anyway...

Thank you for helping me to define my question more clearly.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hierodule

See, I thought you were asking if there were traits that you could affect, or purpossfully incoporate into your body language that would show potential mates that you are, in fact, sexually submissive. I think it was this line that made me think that:

"If I was a dog, I could lay down, roll over and show my belly- but that's not going to work in real life. :o)
Is there something else I can do?"

I feel like DarkSteven was talking about natural personality traits that come through subconciously, effortlessly, that he happened to pick up on.

There is  always going to be subtle body  language that will tell a person all kinds of things about an other's personality. I just don't think adopting new body language that doesn't come naturally to you is an effective way to communicate important things about yourself to a potential mate. I'm sorry. I guess I misunderstood what you were asking.


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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 1:22:09 PM   
DesFIP


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Hierodule

I'm pretty sure the best way to let a potential partner know you are submissive in the bed room is to get to know them as a person and then talk to them about it. I know this wasn't what you were asking, but its going to be a lot easier for you to find a Dom if you go to a munch or something and start to meet people who are into BDSM .Using nonverbal cues in a Vanilla setting to "sniff out Doms might back fire. Men who aren't kinky will still respond to a woman who comes across as a submissive and giving person. It might even make them act more dominant. So you will be thinking "ooh he has responded to my cues. I found a Dom! then you get into the bedroom and say "whip me into submission My Master" and he goes"WHAAAAAT???" and runs.


Or he could be dominant in the relationship but not into sadism.

The two are not synonomous.

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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 1:27:07 PM   
PainfullyCurious


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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

there are subtle cues that I could choose to take any way I wanted to.  Without KNOWING the person, I've got a 50-50 chance of being correct.


I've read a few books that have me absolutely convinced that the subtle things tell way more than I had ever noticed before. One of those books is Blink by Malcom Gladwell, if you ever find yourself interested in the subject.

You may think it's complete BS and that's a fair opinion to have to. Frankly, even 50/50 is a chance I can take. For example, I don't really know how I can do it, but I have a knack for spotting cops when they are off-duty. It's something about the posture, scrutiny in their gaze, and the watch set to military time. Not that I smoke, but I wouldn't let a friend of mine approach someone to ask them if they know where they could buy some weed if my copdar was going off... I might be wrong, but I would say there's less than a 50/50 chance of that working out for my fictitious friend.... in that hypothetical situation.

Recognizing something that gets me to 50/50 is still helpful.



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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 1:30:10 PM   
ranja


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my Husband is more often right about people than i am... if you pay close attention i think you can determine how people are inclined indeed. Sometimes you might even be more right about their nature than they are themselves. And i do indeed think it comes down to subtleties, facial expressions and tone of voice.

For me it was most difficult to spot that i am submissive myself...
it took me absolutely ages, mainly because i am perceived as dominant by many people who (think they) know me and one of those being my own mother i sort of tended to believe popular thinking about myself, very confusing...
Fortunately i let myself be picked by my naturally dominant Husband and when i finally understood my own nature, our life became a lot easier and happier

There is a massive difference between
not suffering fools or dithering, being able to take care of your needs and having your affairs in order, being a bit selfish or even bossy
and
being dominant
like being submissive does not equate to being weak and dependent.

I think since i know what i am and am comfortable being what i am, i must be easier to spot too...

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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 1:44:32 PM   
Musicmystery


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quote:

I could lay down, roll over and show my belly- but that's not going to work in real life.


Don't jump to conclusions...



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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 1:48:25 PM   
Wolf2Bear


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A person may through their own actions, words and/or mannerisms give clues to their overall role of being submissive or dominant  in nature. Yet that is no hard fast rule as many do have to take on a more dominant role in a work atmosphere or in a social situation, or in a general outward appearance. Even having a knack of reading subtle body language of others and taking these subtle clues into consideration, a person never really knows unless they ask or the other person volunteers that info. 

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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 2:01:17 PM   
PainfullyCurious


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Hierodule

I think this relates to the idea that society sees submissive traits as negative or weak, especially in a professional setting. I think a lot of people have been conditioned to put up a false front and hide their emotions in order to accomplish things. Did  that poker face serve you in you career?



To a point. I had this one boss who would actually wince a bit whenever I was too honest or nice. I found a book that my friend had under his bed... it had something to do with maintaining power. I thought it was funny because it was a lot darker, and at some points, in direct contrast with the Dale Carnegie principles that I like so much. Anyway, I have a hunch that this boss of mine had read this book because I could remember him scowling with each "mistake" I had made in accordance with the each chapter title. If he hadn't read the book, he at least embraced the principles. So while I never used them on my own staff, I tried when I was around him to remember to not to be too buoyant about certain things. I was getting a raise and promotion about every 6 months when I worked for him, so I must've been doing something right. Or, at least, "right" by his standards. 

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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 2:31:49 PM   
PainfullyCurious


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Tone of voice ... yes .. that reminds me of a guy that I used to work with. His tone of voice got my attention and I really wondered what he would be like in bed. I never got to find out.


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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 3:15:31 PM   
Acer49


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quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious

Have you  even been able to spot a sub when going about your normal, everyday activities?

A few days ago we discussed that many doms feel they prefer to be dominant in just about everything that they do. We also concluded that submissives don't, as often, prefer to be submissive across all situations. Some are quite dominant outside of the relationship. Does that make it impossible to find them if they don't speak up and tell you?

What I like to do in bed is not the first thing that I want someone to know about me (and meeting through a website like this, or in a club, makes that the only thing they would know about me, even before our eyes ever meet.) At the same time, I have never met anyone who would compliment my interests while going about my day-to-day business, so I can't count on just stumbling upon someone who would. Or can I?

If I was a dog, I could lay down, roll over and show my belly- but that's not going to work in real life. :o)
Is there something else I can do?

(I'm also curious to know if anyone has ever been able to spot a dom, although that might be a tiny bit easier.)

I'm fully aware that clubs and websites would make it easier, but that's not what I'm asking. For example, a long time ago, my Communications professor once explained that gay men usually identify one another with lingering eye contact or by touching the toe or their shoe to the toe of another's shoe and gaging the reaction. I'm thinking along the same lines.

What I'm asking about may come down to subtleties; facial expressions, posture, word choice, etc. I know for sure this isn't something you can find on google. I expect this question will be hard to answer. I expect that not everyone will have something to say right off the bat... This is new territory.


No you can not spot a sub or Dom based on their day to day activies and how they handle themselves, it is a guess at best until you actually talk to them



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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 3:48:35 PM   
DomImus


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quote:

ORIGINAL: aldompdx
The vast majority of people are primarily submissive. For example, every employee chooses to submit to the control of their employer as a bargain to get money.


I'm employed and I have no direct reports. That would make me submissive based on this rule. How do we then account for all of the levels of management in between myself (and others at my level) and the company CEO? They have people who report (submit) to them and then they turn around and report (submit) to their superior much in the same way as it is done in the military. This suggests that there are quite a few more switches out there than once was suspected.

It also suggests that the only truly dominant types are at the folks at the CEO level. Who in most cases roses to that position from the ranks of the submissives/switches. Gives new credence to the old guard's protocol that dictated that dominants are cultivated from submissives or words to that effect.




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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 7:47:23 PM   
Huntertn


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take a walk in the local mall....and watch people as they go by...and smile...then watch how they respond.....as a salesman I have to know the dommant person cause they are usually the real buyer..while its not always the one you think..you can develope a "feel" and usually your gut feeling is right.

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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 8:11:29 PM   
antipode


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quote:

A few days ago we discussed


Majestic plural, or do you have your own group you didn't invite me for?

As to your question, I have no idea why I would want to spot subs at random - I am completely in the blind how I (or anybody) would distinguish a sub from a cab driver. I don't walk about trying to spot cubic zirconia rings, either. Pre-internet, it was something you discovered about a person, once you got to know them.

As to your communications professor, I think (s)he is full of it. Gays have particular mannerisms they use when they want to be recognizable, and those do not involve shoes. The shoe thing would be impractical at the beach, anyway, unless the ideas is that anybody wearing shoes at the beach is, umm...

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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 8:23:51 PM   
LanceHughes


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:::SIGH:::  Yes, the Communications "Prof" is full of it (and so is antipode, immediately above.)  Toe touching is only for stalls in public bathrooms, where the person on the other side can't get to you to kick your ass if he's not gay......

Ain't no such thing as gay mannerisms.  Some of the butchest, hunkiest construction workers, military, cops, etc. are the best gays. Ministers are closeted so deeply that when outed, their congregations respond with one voice: "You'd never know it by looking at him."

"Gaydar" works like this:  If a gay man is at the Mall, he simply watches whom the target is watching.  Gay men look at other men.  Straight men look at women.  Problem solved regardless of how many rug-rats come along with the target.  ("At least you know he's a shooter," we (non-royal) gays like to say about the cute men pushing a stroller with another toddler in arms.)

Snappy dressers with excellent haircuts, good over-all grooming, knowledge of wines, cooking and interior design when straight are called "metrosexuals."

I know plenty of gay men that are slobs, maybe even worse than their straight cousins.

< Message edited by LanceHughes -- 11/3/2009 8:35:35 PM >


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