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Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/9/2006 12:33:04 AM

coffs

Posts: 3
Joined: 9/7/2005
Status: offline

Hi Folks. First time poster here, hope you can help me.

I have a problem that may seem unusual, but I'm sure its a lot more common than we realise. I am a 38 yr old male Dom. In my 20s I had 3 long(ish) term relationships with submissive women. Actually one sub, one full time slave and one who couldnt decide :) But when they finished I married a vanilla woman who is not the least interested in bdsm. I am still with her today.

Over recent years it has become painfully clear that I cannot deny myself my dominant character. I am literaly aching to be involved in a Dom/sub relationship of some kind. I love my wife dearly and want to spend the rest of my life with her. But, I am ashamed to admit, that I have strayed and been unfaithful twice. I justify this to myself (maybe fooling myself) that I have to releave the pressure and allow my dominant side to relax and let me live my life in peace. It was a physical thing, no emotional content. The women involved were friends who I met on the web. I have no contact with either now.

I know I am going to be asked these questions, so I'll answer them now.
Why did I marry vanilla? I thought it was a good idea at the time. I thought I could live without bdsm. (big mistake) And, I was in love. (still am)
Why cant I tell her and see if she will partake in some D/s? No chance, not a hope. She would not. Trust me, its not an option.
Why dont I leave her? I love her and want to stay. We have a good life.

So....
What do I do? I have to do something to feel I am part of the whole bdsm culture. And I would prefer if that something didnt disrupt my otherwise good life. I would love an on line sub. But have you tried getting one? They just dont want a married man. :o) Even chatting about the subject is good - love this board, so much intelligent input, so refreshing - but finding that isnt to easy either. Reminising about the good times had in the past would be better than nothing.

So is there anything an experienced sadistic dominant can do for satisfaction, no matter how mild that may be?

Help me before I do something I might regret.

cheers all
Coffs

Post #: 1

RE: Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/9/2006 12:45:28 AM

truesub4u

Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: coffs

Help me before I do something I might regret.

cheers all
Coffs

Hi Coffs... welcome to the boards....

According to your post..... you already did.

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to coffs)

Post #: 2

RE: Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/9/2006 12:52:25 AM

TexasMaam

Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

Difficult situation, no doubt about that.

I'm curious though, what exactly would you 'do' that you 'might regret'?

An online relationship can contribute a great deal to a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment that one might not be willing or able to pursue r/t. Since you've already equivocated 'having strayed twice' into this equation, I don't think an online relationship is a realistic alternative for you.

Be honest with yourself about your needs and keep searching for that person who compliments them. I'd suggest getting involved with your local BDSM group to see if there's a like minded submissive who's married to a vanilla fellow who would work out a BDSM based relationship with You. Whether sex is involved or not would depend upon whatever the two of you decide; it's just not anybody else's business.

I know of several successful, long term BDSM couples who have vanilla spouses. Some are platonic, some are not.

You're going to get a lot of self righteous flack on this thread for wanting something outside of your marriage. I'd suggest ignoring the critics and trying to maintain your focus on finding a sub who is in the same situation you are. Trust Me, they're out there!

Texas Maam

(in reply to coffs)

Post #: 3

RE: Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/9/2006 1:04:18 AM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

I'm thinking about yr situation...i paused a moment before posting cuz i thought i might turn out like one of the self righteous ones that TexasMaam described...but the reaility is...whichever way I look at it...your gonna be lying to your wife...lies in marriage eat at the foundation of the marriage...and it will go to shit..sorry.

I thought about your suggestion about an online submissive, perhaps one that was married herself...but then I thought...well thats not going to work...you are gonna be switching screens everytime your wife walks into the room..your submissive is gonna go all nutsy wanting more of your time than you can give...you are gonna get more and more frustrated cuz online is plain fucking frustrating....basicallly..its a no one wins situation....and your still lying to your wife....

im still thinking...

< Message edited by slavejali -- 3/9/2006 1:11:12 AM >

(in reply to TexasMaam)

Post #: 4

RE: Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/9/2006 1:09:52 AM

TexasMaam

Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

What about My situation?

I have a long term relationship with a remarkable sub.

To what are you referring, specifically?

TM

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 5

RE: Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/9/2006 1:22:36 AM

Driver1961

Posts: 459
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

He enters, dips His lid,

What is it that you may do that you'll regret? That parting comment begs........heaps...

In short- you will always regret something if you don't think it out carefully and make sure that it sits comfortable within. Takes' balls', man to post here, I'll give you that!

You'd have my vote if you were true to your conscience and exhibited the 'Strength' that you interpret a 'Real-time' D has to exhibit to be 'The One' for a real-time sub. This Strength is entirely 'subjective' to your conscience and would also be 'subjective' to a 'Precious One' that may submit to you.

Eyes fink that, The 'Dynamic' lives the time....the kink fades and renews.

Work out what you want and reflect it in your Profile clearly.

Warm regards

Paul, Sir to His Angel and His Wild.

_____________________________

Dance as though nobody is watching!

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 6

RE: Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/9/2006 2:11:24 AM

NeedToUseYou

Posts: 2297
Joined: 12/24/2005
From: None of your business
Status: offline

Step 1. Ummmmm, tell your wife. I'd think that would be obvious.

Then come back after you've done the right thing by being honest with the woman you say you love.

Or you could just lie to her and lose her in divorce later, at least if you say something to her she still will respect you, or see you are going to do this regardless and work something out because she doesn't want to lose you.

Just my opinion.

(in reply to coffs)

Post #: 7

RE: Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/9/2006 2:38:54 AM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

quote:

Quote: TexasMaam

What about My situation?

Sorry Maam, Master just bought that to my attention, I didnt realise you were referring to my post.

I wasnt meaning I was thinking about your situation, I was meaning I was thinking about the OPS situation....and then i started saying about how i didnt want to sound self righteous in my answer like you had mentioned in your post...this part...

quote:

You're going to get a lot of self righteous flack on this thread for wanting something outside of your marriage.

Sorry about my confusing writing Maam.

(in reply to NeedToUseYou)

Post #: 8

RE: Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/9/2006 3:01:31 AM

coffs

Posts: 3
Joined: 9/7/2005
Status: offline

Thanks for the input so far. I did anticipate this would turn into a "dont cheat, its wrong" thread. And I cant disagree with all those that say I'm not being loyal / fair / true etc etc. You are all correct and I hate myself for what I have done and what I am doing to myself.

But looking at my situation I can do one of 3 things-
1. Tell my wife I need D/s. An option that would very probably be the end of marital happiness. Not an option.
2. Dont say anything. Dont do anything. Live a peaceful vanilla life and be proud of my dedication to my dearest wife (I'm glossing over previous indiscretions for poetic effect). This option will most likely cause cold sweats, high blood pressure and shaky hands due to my rage when reading on the web about how other dominants are "gettin it" and I have a gaping hole in my character where domination used to be.
3. Indulge in a little on line D/s, preferably with someone in another country which insures it will only ever be on line. Safe sex at its safest. ie, no sex. Is it lying? Or just encouraging a "need to know" enviroment? :) Is it an emotional affair, or just a little fun? Judgment call I think.

You see. I have other interests. I love motorcycles. They are more than a hobby. I was brought up in a biker family, they are part of my existance. I have always and always will ride bikes. I talk about bikes with other bikers, I go for a beer with them, I email guys about bikes, I swap photos of my projects. I dont have sex with any of them.
I'd like that, but with bdsm :o)

You see what I'm getting at? I need to be part of the culture. But I dont need to be physically active.

Dont read to much into the "do something I'll regret" comment. It was more tounge in cheek than anything else. Perhaps the best place for me to leave it :)

Thanks
enjoying talking freely about bdsm again. That alone is worth a lot to me.
Coffs

(in reply to NeedToUseYou)

Post #: 9

RE: Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/9/2006 3:35:10 AM

Dollbecky

Posts: 197
Joined: 10/22/2005
Status: offline

um how about getting involved with the local group ? there is a guy who comes to my local munches and play parties etc to socailise and hang out to soak up the kink ...his GF is vanilla and he adores her ...he is even on some set up commitees etc
You might try that ....if you were to not so keen to cheat again .

(in reply to coffs)

Post #: 10

RE: Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/9/2006 4:36:19 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: coffs

But looking at my situation I can do one of 3 things-

2. Dont say anything. Dont do anything. Live a peaceful vanilla life and be proud of my dedication to my dearest wife (I'm glossing over previous indiscretions for poetic effect). This option will most likely cause cold sweats, high blood pressure and shaky hands due to my rage when reading on the web about how other dominants are "gettin it" and I have a gaping hole in my character where domination used to be.

3. Indulge in a little on line D/s, preferably with someone in another country which insures it will only ever be on line. Safe sex at its safest. ie, no sex.

Coffs

You had My sympathies until you made those two statements.

<Quotes snipped to shorten content>

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to coffs)

Post #: 11

RE: Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/9/2006 4:44:52 AM

Prunesquallor

Posts: 181
Joined: 10/12/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

Sorry about my confusing writing Maam.

Your writing was perfectly clear. :)

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 12

The trap is of your own making - 3/9/2006 5:03:42 AM

MysticalPhoenix

Posts: 212
Joined: 11/30/2005
From: Kelloggsville, Vanilla County MI
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: coffs

I can do one of 3 things-
1. Tell my wife I need D/s. An option that would very probably be the end of marital happiness. Not an option.
2. Dont say anything. Dont do anything. Live a peaceful vanilla life and be proud of my dedication to my dearest wife (I'm glossing over previous indiscretions for poetic effect). This option will most likely cause cold sweats, high blood pressure and shaky hands due to my rage when reading on the web about how other dominants are "gettin it" and I have a gaping hole in my character where domination used to be.
3. Indulge in a little on line D/s, preferably with someone in another country which insures it will only ever be on line. Safe sex at its safest. ie, no sex. Is it lying? Or just encouraging a "need to know" enviroment? :) Is it an emotional affair, or just a little fun? Judgment call I think.

You are right, there are three choices, but it sounds as if you've already made your choice.

You say that telling your wife you need D/s (and that you are willing and able to cheat on her to get it) is not an option because it would be the end of your "marital happiness". How much marital happiness can you have if you and your wife are not sexually compatible? You also make it clear that not saying or doing anything, and suffering rage because other dominants are "gettin it" and you aren't, isn't an option either.

Therefore the only thing you can do is engage in a little online D/s, preferably with a person in another country. And then do a little dance of sophistry: it's not really 'sex' , it will only ever be online, just a little fun not an emotional affair, etc.

It appears that you are looking for people here to validate your wish to cheat on your wife with someone online. I will agree with some of the other posters, in that you would be best to find someone in the same situation (and not bother the single women who want something more than what you have to offer). but I will not agree that this is the best choice under the circumstances. It is obviously the best choice for you, in that it allows you to have your cake and eat it too.

But what about your wife whom you profess to love and be devoted to? Doesn't what's best for her have any place in this? And perhaps what is best for her is that you either keep your wedding vows, or set her free to find someone who is sexually compatible with her and isn't going to go out and cheat on her with someone else's wife. It's possible that if presented with the ultimatum "I need D/s as part of my life, and if it is not something we can do together, I'll find someone else on the side who will." She may wish to keep the marriage, and permit you to see a Pro, or have a bdsm relationship (with some provisos, such as no penetrative sex, perhaps). Or she may choose to end the marriage. But, that is her choice.

She should have a choice as well, as what you have with her is not a D/s relationship. By choosing to lie, to cheat, you have made that choice for her without consulting her. And you've shown that you value your domestic happiness more than her.

However, this is something you have to live with, and to make right with your own conscience, and prepare yourself for what will happen when your wife finds out about it, changes the locks, and piles all of your stuff in the front yard and sets it on fire. Say goodbye to marital happiness.

Sure, plenty of guys get away with having something going with a woman online, but a lot of them get caught. Don't assume you are going to be one of the lucky ones.

Instead of saying, "don't cheat, it's wrong", I'm saying, "don't lie, your wife will be really pissed". Grow some sack and be honest with her, and with yourself. If D/s is something that is so important to you that you can't live without it, then you have to take the same risks and make the same sacrifices that those who are 'gettin it' have.

Phoenix

_____________________________

---------------------------------------------------------
Every one sees what you appear to be, few really know what you are.

(in reply to coffs)

Post #: 13

RE: The trap is of your own making - 3/9/2006 5:37:35 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

Well if you love her and want to stay yet still feel the longing need for a BDSM why don't you discuss it openly with her? Ask her what her feelings and thoughts are on it. She may not want anything to do with BDSM, then again she may but perhaps has been hesitant to voice this. Though prepare yourself mentally that she may reject the idea, she may consider it and then again (as it happened to a friend of mine) she might want not to be the submissive

she may be interested in being the Top.

Any way you go its much better to be open and honest then to live a lie and end up hurting her by cheating on her. Once that trust is gone I don't think its ever possible to get it truly back. But also don't try and *force* her into it if she's not into it she just isn't. I've heard stories of people trying to *open the spouses mind to a new experience* and end up making their spouse utterly miserable.

If you decide to go the online route make sure that she knows what your doing otherwise should she find out there again your going to end up hurting her and in the end, yourself.

Lashra

(in reply to MysticalPhoenix)

Post #: 14

RE: Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/9/2006 6:03:25 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

If you love someone, you allow them the choice to find THEIR happiness- even if it means not with you.

I've cheated, I know the rationalizations. It's all BS. It's all you being selfish and scared and it's very wrong to do to someone you claim to love.

But you're going to do what you want anyway.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to coffs)

Post #: 15

RE: Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/9/2006 6:17:18 AM

Evanesce

Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

You see what I'm getting at?

What I see is someone who is really only thinking of himself. You exchanged vows with a woman you claim to be in love with, yet you seem to have no qualms about betraying her in order to get what you feel you need. How selfish is that?

Instead of putting so much effort into trying to find ways to cheat on the wife you "love" (damned funny way of showing it, IMO), why not turn your energies to THAT relationship and find fulfillment there. Otherwise, be a man and be honest with her. You owe her that much.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich

(in reply to coffs)

Post #: 16

RE: Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/9/2006 6:19:02 AM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

Ok, maybe there's something that I'm not uderstanding. If you love her so damn much, why have you cheated on her? Why are you lying to her? Why are you wanting to hide things from her? Seems to me your here looking for validation to do these things again. You'll find none in me. You lie, cheat and hide things from your wife that you "love" so dearly, then you're an idiot, coffs. It's was an idiot thing to do in the first place. And if you think you can hide it from her forever, you're a bigger idiot. You know the right thing to do. To do otherwise would will only end in a very bad way.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to coffs)

Post #: 17

RE: Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/9/2006 6:30:26 AM

Marid

Posts: 3
Joined: 2/18/2006
Status: offline

Doesn't your wife deserve happiness too? Do you love her enough to recognize she deserves a husband who meets her needs? If those needs include monogamy and a vanilla lifestyle then you need to respect that.

If you can't meet her needs, you need to let her go to find someone who will. Yes, it will hurt and yes, you are going to look like the bad guy (keep in mind, you are the bad guy here...not because you have D/s interests but because you cheated on your wife). But as a wife, I can tell you that I would much rather be told by my husband that a separation was necessary than spend the rest of our lives with him unhappy, unfulfilled and ultimately coming to blame me for my lack of D/s interests, because he's had years to become bitter and resentful over not having the life he wants.

(in reply to coffs)

Post #: 18

RE: Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/9/2006 6:36:12 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: coffs
Help me before I do something I might regret.

you mean you don't have any regrets already?

maybe you should stop making excuses... the only person that is trapping you ... IS YOU!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to coffs)

Post #: 19

RE: Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/9/2006 7:04:57 AM

shiava

Posts: 23
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Ok, maybe there's something that I'm not uderstanding. If you love her so damn much, why have you cheated on her? Why are you lying to her? Why are you wanting to hide things from her? Seems to me your here looking for validation to do these things again. You'll find none in me. You lie, cheat and hide things from your wife that you "love" so dearly, then you're an idiot, coffs. It's was an idiot thing to do in the first place. And if you think you can hide it from her forever, you're a bigger idiot. You know the right thing to do. To do otherwise would will only end in a very bad way.

agreed!! Cheating is cheating whether it be online or face to face. If you love your wife let her know your secrets and let her decide if she can live with it or not.

shi

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)

Post #: 20

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