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RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/5/2009 11:29:11 PM   
sincityprincess


Posts: 59
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: sincityprincess

It seems more like topping & bottoming...normal marriage but with kinky sex.



I'm sorry but nothing in the OP sounds kinky to me. It's too vanilla and that's his problem, I think.

Akasha



Good point, duelly noted!

I guess I just assume that foot-worship and doing naughty things while on the phone with your sister is "kinky" to people with a more mild mindset than myself. I do realize that not all wives or girlfriends think its exciting to be put in predicament bondage while your man leaves for 45 minutes and comes home, doesn't untie you but has with way with you, crops you until you cry then goes to bed.

Who knows with those people? (Vanilla) I saw a "beginner's fetish kit" at Vickie's Secret once that had a feather, a bottle of scented massage oil, and a candle...it said "to unleash your Secret kinky side".







(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/5/2009 11:37:55 PM   
DevotionalSex


Posts: 13
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline 		defeated,

One of the main problems with much BDSM discussion is that it is about kinky activities and power exchange as if there was no love.

What you are talking about is real-life for most of us. That is, what is the best relationship and sex life you can have with your partner?

As others have said, I think you do need to talk more with your wife. I believe that in a healthy relationship you BOTH owe each other a good attempt to meet the needs of the other.

I'll introduce you to a new possibility - Devotional Sex. With this your wife does not need to be dominant, but you can be sub to her. It is actually fairly close to what you are doing now, except that it formalizes how you behave, and changes how your wife will treat you.

To enjoy the rewards of being your Princess she needs to ensure that you remain happy to be her Knight. Devotional Sex has this name because BOTH need to be devoted to the other. The main problem I see from your writing is that at the moment your wife is taking without any care for your needs.

You can read more about Devotional Sex at my free (and free from advertising) website: devotionalsex.com

Whether or not Devotional Sex is right for you and your wife, I think you both need to sit down and sort out some compromise which keeps you both happy. Otherwise I think your marriage will eventually fail.

Good luck! Michael


(in reply to SlaveSimone)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/5/2009 11:41:16 PM   
defeated


Posts: 21
Joined: 8/10/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Does she know about the pros and extent/nature of the porn?

Akasha


Yep. She knows about the porn. This is beginning to sound more and more like I'm making this stuff up but we used to even own a porn site called outdoorbondage.net. It's closed now but some of you may remember it. I particvulalry enjoy old INSEX porn, it's a little strong for her tastes but she's never had a problem with me watching it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Also, does she know you have a profile on here looking for kinky play? Or is this all behind her back? If it's hidden from her, do you honestly believe your relationship is ok?

Akasha


No, she doesn't know. You'll notice that I originally stated that I was considering looking outside our marriage for sexual stimulation, but ultimately decided against it. This profile was part of that process (and actually towards the end of the re-alignment), and it's a slowly evolving process which has taken place mostly this year, and has in the last few months resulted in my absolute steadfast determination to be loyal to my Wife, who after all, I adore.

Thia is the whole reason I'm working on developing a better and more satisfying sex life at home.


< Message edited by defeated -- 11/5/2009 11:43:12 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/5/2009 11:53:47 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: defeated

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Does she know about the pros and extent/nature of the porn?

Akasha


Yep. She knows about the porn. This is beginning to sound more and more like I'm making this stuff up but we used to even own a porn site called outdoorbondage.net. It's closed now but some of you may remember it. I particvulalry enjoy old INSEX porn, it's a little strong for her tastes but she's never had a problem with me watching it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Also, does she know you have a profile on here looking for kinky play? Or is this all behind her back? If it's hidden from her, do you honestly believe your relationship is ok?

Akasha


No, she doesn't know. You'll notice that I originally stated that I was considering looking outside our marriage for sexual stimulation, but ultimately decided against it. This profile was part of that process (and actually towards the end of the re-alignment), and it's a slowly evolving process which has taken place mostly this year, and has in the last few months resulted in my absolute steadfast determination to be loyal to my Wife, who after all, I adore.

Thia is the whole reason I'm working on developing a better and more satisfying sex life at home.



You have to start from a place of honesty and transparency, and that means coming clean, and then making the agreement that you will back off 100% of all fantasies and expectations.  Her perception of your ideals, based on porn (and you admitted you got so into that you desensitized yourself somewhat, and you probably did a lot of bad reinforcement of fairly male-focused fantasy ideals of femdom which will need to be unwired.) will have a strong impact on how this comes across.

If your descriptions of your wife are accurate, she has a spirited, spontaenous and mischeivious demeanor.  She's also assertive of her sexuality.  Combine these things and her reaction to your need for (more/diverse/intense) kink could be met with curious enthusiasm or a self confident dismissal of your ideas because she finds them objectifying or lame.  Which path she takes will be in response to how you present it, with HER as the central focus, not the kink, and your desire to explore something fun and exciting (on HER terms).

From there is the long, long path of letting her explore and experiment at her pace. This is where many subs in your position fail.  Because you have been on the "kinky fast track" in your head, in porn and seeing pros, you are at level 100 and she's at level 1.  I have to remind subs that femdoms start at 1.  They may not get to 2 until a month into it.  Yet subs want them at 100, to catch up with the fantasy. 

I was born with a natural, primal lust to see a man submit.  Bondage, pain, humiliation - SIGN ME UP.  As soon as I was old enough to date, I was tying guys up, and I was over the moon.  However, it took YEARS for me to experiment, evolve, grow and ultimately enjoy the wide variety of nasty kinky sex acts that most men consider (thanks to porn) basic kink 101.  If you are going to get bored and disillusioned with light bondage, some innocent roleplaying, and a frequency that isn't nearly what you want, you will fail.  Sad, but true.

In addition, if you start seeking "on the side" as you progress with her, or go back to the porn, or start trying to "help" by making suggestions or giving hints or buying her toys, you will also fail.  The minute it turns into you-directing-her, she will either say "no more," or just pretend to like it to get you to leave her alone, which some of her behaviors kind of already indicate.

Your other alternative is to just lay it out, give her the list of your kinks, present it as a feasible barter that you both agree is fair and she'll adopt it in order to keep your marriage sound, as a loving wife and a out of devotion. If you are *ok* with her pretending to like it, that's not a bad route. It's no worse than a woman giving courtesy sex, a blow job for an overworked husband even though she's got a headache or whatnot; most women like to please on some level.  But if you want the real thing, want her to burn with lust for it, you have to be willing to go the long route.

I remind subs that the time frame between my bondage experimentation to my strap on, pain and humiliation games was 5+ years.  For a guy already jerking off to golden showers or dual penetration, he has already gotten bored with that kind of kink. 

Akasha

< Message edited by AAkasha -- 11/5/2009 11:54:23 PM >

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(in reply to defeated)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/6/2009 12:06:17 AM   
DevotionalSex


Posts: 13
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline 		Akasha,

My experience is that most woman do not want to be dominant. So while it is true that a novice dominant will take time to grow confident in her power, it is not true that most women given the opportunity to become dominant will want to do this.

The reason I suggested Devotional Sex to defeated is that with this technique his wife does not need to become dominant to become his Princess.

Cheers, Michael

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/6/2009 12:14:52 AM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DevotionalSex

Akasha,

My experience is that most woman do not want to be dominant. So while it is true that a novice dominant will take time to grow confident in her power, it is not true that most women given the opportunity to become dominant will want to do this.

The reason I suggested Devotional Sex to defeated is that with this technique his wife does not need to become dominant to become his Princess.

Cheers, Michael


I appreciate you are here with 4 total posts and want to promote your site. But to claim that no woman will be interested in exploring female domination is silly.  Not only do I have real life girlfriends who I have mentored *in person* that learned to enjoy dominance, I have nurtured many couples and watched a woman blossom into female dominance.  I've been writing about this for more than ten years.  See what your findings are when you reach about 3,000 posts and 8 years of feedback on your site.

Akasha


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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/6/2009 12:19:33 AM   
aphotic


Posts: 119
Joined: 5/17/2009
Status: offline 		From all I can tell after reading this post, I'll refer to the OP as Pavlov, is that you now want to manipulate your wife into something you never expressed a desire for during the foundation of the relationship. People aren't dogs, and deserve better than cheap sexual chicanery to achieve one's needs that were never clearly expressed in the first place. You can talk to her, but inspire her? Please, you'd only want to inspire her into something for your benefit, and that is manipulation.

You founded this on porn and masterbation, but now the coffin and heavy stone are bearing down on your sexuality? No sympathy whatsoever. Why is it so hard to be direct and honest with people before you commit? That was what committing meant in the first place... that you were satisfied with the status quo at the time and wished it to remain as such for a much longer time. You dug your grave -- now lie in it.

< Message edited by aphotic -- 11/6/2009 12:22:07 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/6/2009 12:50:26 AM   
DevotionalSex


Posts: 13
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline 		Akasha,

If you go back and read my posts again you will see that I remain open minded as to what is best for defeated's wife. I don't know whether she really wants to be Domme, sub, vanilla (or a Princess).

And I did not claim that "no woman will be interested in exploring female domination". To say this would be nonsense.

But I do maintain that most women are not interested in becoming a BDSM Mistress.

After all, most people are not interested in strong BDSM. And of the women that are, sites such as this suggest that there are more sub women than Dommes.

Personally I encourage everyone to explore and to find what is right for them. I'm just presenting a new option.

The reason I have not posted here before is that my site is still very much a work in progress. But given the OP, I thought that telling defeated about Devotional Sex might give him another option, one which might save his marriage. Perhaps what has worked for me, and all my "vanilla" partners, might work for him.

Cheers, Michael

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/6/2009 4:23:26 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Loss of libido with two small children is more common than not. Are they both sleeping through the night regularly? Because sleep deprivation kills the sex drive faster than anything I know. Beyond that is the fact that there are always people touching her, To a point where a mother can easily think, and as I once said to express how it felt, "if you really loved me you wouldn't grab at me".

Yes, you are the only person grabbing at her sexually, but there are small people grabbing at her all the time. If you want to understand how she feels, offer her a weekend away, visiting a friend, or at a spa if you can float that, and you be the one being woken up at 5:00AM, being grabbed at with sticky fingers so that you don't feel like your skin is your own.

But she isn't ever going to top you because she's much more submissive than she is dominant. And like many submissives, she doesn't enjoy initiating sex.

Considering everything else, why don't you stop the manipulation and talk to her. And if she is submissive, the more you try to get her to dominate you, the more you'll kill her desire for you. Talk to her before she finds a man who turns her on, and you go outside the marriage to do the same for you. Either you openly talk and try to fix your problems in an honest way or you'll destroy the marriage.

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/6/2009 4:45:47 AM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline 		Well you say this is about her happiness and from the OP she seems perfectly content with the way things are, so what's the problem?

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/6/2009 4:48:46 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

Hoooh boy. It seems that we're digressing here. This thread wasn't supposed to be about my issues... or is it?


In a sense - yes!

quote:

Well yes... this is about sex and my dick.

quote:

The simple truth is that I want her to feel pampered in the bedroom without pressuring her for sex

quote:

<snipped>and am trying to train myself in this area

quote:

It's odd, but I've grown bored of this too.

quote:

I simply want to revive that side of her because I don't really have any success topping her anymore even if I try.

quote:

I don't really think the relationship is at a stage that needs counselling, in that neither of us think there's a problem

quote:

for my own stupid BDSM porn addiction


My opinion, you don't want domination from her.  You just want good sex.  Nothing wrong with that whatsoever.  But in your need for that, you are attempting to dominate her by manipulating her.  You cannot encourage someone to become dominant in the same way you cannot encourage someone to become gay.

You can however, just be truthful and outright ask her.  And if shes not interested, then you have a choice to make.  If shes interested in topping or dominating, then go from there.  But right now what you are asking for is how to top a relationship by manipulating.

Everything is all you, you, you.  I know you want to please your wife, but on your terms.  Can you see that?  What exactly is submissive about such behaviour? 

You state you don't have problems, yet you then say you have an addiction to porn.  You have lied and kept secrets.  These are problems, even if you do not want to admit that to yourself.

You cannot control or encourage your wife to become what you want without there being some sort of negative fallout unless you openly communicate what you are doing.  Buy the books - give them to her for christmas all wrapped up with a neat little bow after a romantic dinner if thats your dig.  Ask her to read them, for you, for her and for the sake of your relationship.  Explain what you need - better sex, or more sex, and to bottom - (I will use that word for now because your words do not reflect submission to me).  Close this profile, or open one up as a couple - explore it together - don't force or coerce your wife into something she may not be willing to work on.  But unless you are up front and stop denying what you want, to the person you say you love, your relationships fucked anyway.

the.dark.

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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/6/2009 5:30:07 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Other websites aside.......

In the subsequent posts, here's what I've heard.

Your wife is now older, has two children, and isn't especially thrilled about her body.  All of those factors are going to impact her sexuality.  While I appreciate the fact that you think she's hot (that's a bonus for you, in My opinion, because you love her) what is more important here is how she feels about herself.  If she is feeling not as desirable due to her body changes, that can override what you are telling her.  Often, women are their own worst critic when it comes to themselves.

The next thing is, while I definitely applaud  you for what you are saying about desiring your wife, not all of your actions necessarily meet up.  The porn and the pro dommes aren't reinforcing what you are telling her.  Your actions, if she is aware of them, may be speaking louder than your words.  I don't know about anybody else out there, but the way I interpret things is, you can tell Me something a thousand times, but if what I see you do is something to the contrary, those words are just lip service to Me.  Even if she isn't aware of these things, you are channeling your energies into something that isn't her.  Big issue in My book.

Something else that caught My eye was the telling of the story about how she dressed up and gave you a scene for your birthday.  From the limited information that I have here, that sounds to Me a whole lot more like service topping, rather than Domination.   In other words, it was something she pulled out because she knew you would enjoy it, rather than something she wanted for herself.  She may not have had the same reaction to it that you did.

OK.  Those are some of the problems.  Now we move on to the solutions.

Even though there is some non vanilla background here, I think a copy of the book "When Someone You Love Is Kinky" is in order.  I want you to read it first and then ask your wife to read it so that the two of you have some common ground.  Often, this is a very good approach because it can be worked on from an intellectual level, without misgivings about the emotional part.  You never know.  The approach you are using might be making her feel pressured, where a book will not. 

My advice to you is to lay off of the porn.  As a marital aide, porn can be great, but I'm not seeing that here.  I think you have to keep in mind that most BDSM porn is made for men by men and that really doesn't focus on her at all.

Also, if you are currently seeing pro's, it's time to stop that, too.  If your wife knows that you are, you are reinforcing the short comings she already has built herself in her own mind.  If she doesn't, you are being dishonest.  Neither are good for your relationship.

One last thing I'm going to say and then I'm going to shut up.  The possibility exists that your wife really isn't a kinky person.  In My opinion, it's ok for her to be that.  If the two of you love each other, that's a hell of a lot more important than kinky sex.



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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/6/2009 6:18:04 AM   
CarrieO


Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline 		Op,

First, I want to ask if your wife is aware you're advertising for a dominant woman?  If you aren't you may want to make some changes to your profile.  Added....I see AAkasha addressed this already.  Still, it has lots of bearing on how you'll be percieved.

quote:


We've been married over 5 years and the lack of sexual contact didn't previously worry me much even though I have a very high sex drive because I was using porn and masturbating frequently. I'm into D/S and BDSM porn and prior to marriage, have had much real time experience in this area (mostly as a dominant). Over time however, I noticed a need to find more and more extreme porn, until eventually I couldn't find anything extreme enough on the net for my tastes, and became bored and desensitised to it. But still I needed sexual thoughts and contact and even considered going outside my marriage to get it, but couldn't bring myself to do it in the end because I really love my Wife. So it was then I started to explore and experiment with ways to have more sexual contact with my Wife.


Is your wife aware of your need for extreme?  This sounds less like a desire to be submissive to your wife and more like a need for sex.

quote:


Well yes... this is about sex and my dick. Am I in the wrong place? More importantly it's about my wife and her pleasure.


Is it really about your wife's pleasure?  You said in your first post you expect nothing in return from her...why not just be honest with yourself because it appears you do have expectations and your submission seems to be conditional.

quote:


I'm just trying to get a bit of kink back in my life, while trying to do something nice for her. I know someone is bound to tell me to hold her down and fuck the living christ out of her. Although it's the obvious answer I'm just not sure she'll go for it anymore. She obviously loves being rubbed, touched and massaged, I originally loathed doing this but have recently started to enjoy it, mostly because she is being pleasured.


Why would this be the obvious answer if you're trying to encouraging dominant behavior?  Sorry, but this seems more about you and less about her...who's on top?

BTW...I agree with Acer 49...there really is no substitution for real conversation.

quote:


I don't really have this in a normal sense, but may have some odd BDSM variant of it. My wife was far from virginal when we met, in fact we both lived on campus in college for some time, and she hit on me (not vice versa) and I can tell you, I was impressed with how she knew her way around a cock, and not deterred as you'd expect were I exhibiting classic madonna/whore complex symptoms. I do how ever, associate filthy sluts with sex and am attracted to them as sexual prey, but am often even more attracted to them when they're poorly educated, bad mannered and stupid (the antithesis of my gorgeous, intelligent well educated and properly refined wife). I'm attracted to these types of women and love using them as subby whores, but can't stand their company.


Am I the only one that found the bolded portion of this quote more than a bit unsettling and very telling?

quote:


Sooooo. Anyone here have experience in grooming wives to be Dom?


If a person isn't sexually dominant by nature, no amount of grooming is going to bring about your desired results.

quote:


She did properly Domme me once back before we had kids. She took a kinky girlfriend shopping with her in the city and bought herself a full Mistress outfit and crop in secret. On my birthday, we were away for the weekend at a resort, and she sent me naked to the bathroom and ordered me to wait while she dressed. When I came out she was wearing the outfit complete with black patent leather strappy high heels (which she normally wears out anyway). She was about 24 then and (as she still is today) absolutely stunning. My god was I turned on. We had a full session, she tied me, collared me, clamped me and used me for sex. She dommed me again a few times later, and each time she did, she ended the session by making me massage her in the way pretty much described above, including rubbing her pussy to get her off. On those occassions she sent me away to masturbate in our lounge room while she relaxed in bed. There was no real event that ended these sessions, they just seemed to die out over time. She's a capable Dom and she knows what to do.


This isn't domming so much, in my opinion, as topping. 

OP...so much good advice has been given by both AAkasha, LadyPact (didn't catch this sooner...maybe I'm slipping) and others...I hope you take the time to read and re-read everything.  Wanting stellar sex is something we all are looking for...finding ways to enhance your marriage and helping to allow your wife the opportunity to explore her sexuality all over again is great...wish more men would do that after children and/or bodily changes...but, expecting your wife to fit an image that gets you off but may not be her cup of tea is a set up for failure. 
Just a thought...have either of you ever thought of exploring tantric sex as a way to reconnect and, for you in particular, to slow down the rush to orgasm? 
Sex...like a good kiss...doesn't need to be over in 3 minutes!

I also agree 100% with LadyPact...
quote:


One last thing I'm going to say and then I'm going to shut up.  The possibility exists that your wife really isn't a kinky person.  In My opinion, it's ok for her to be that.  If the two of you love each other, that's a hell of a lot more important than kinky sex.

 
Trying to fit a round peg in a square hole is an exercise in futility.  You two need to talk, talk and when you're done...talk some more.
Good luck.

< Message edited by CarrieO -- 11/6/2009 6:36:14 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/6/2009 8:44:45 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I apologise if I missed it, but has she seen a doctor? Pregnancies cause hormonal changes. Hormonal changes affect libido. Has she had her hormonal balance tested? Because lack of a sex drive here could be due to: still nursing, lack of sleep, stress; insufficient testosterone and a host of extras.

Talk it over, tell her you need a sex life, and you miss yours but you are unhappy with the status quo. Push her to get a check up and tell the doctor this is the problem. Go with her if you can.

Beyond that, ask her which one chore she most hates and take that over. Because more dishes, equals more kisses.

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/6/2009 9:18:07 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		... i have been in a simular situation but far worse, our sex went down to once every 3 to 4 months... and i virtually had to twist his arm to get some... i struggled with this for 10 years, and then we managed to turn things around... i can not give you the magic solution... just be honest about your desires and don't give up until you have found a way back in...
i considered cheating and understand people who do, but i was too chicken...

would it be an option to watch porn together?
could you 'work' on her but not let her cum until she asks?
would you consider asking her permission to masturbate?

(in reply to defeated)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/6/2009 9:39:25 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		Either she is Dominant or she is not and cannot "groom" her into it. Frankly you two need to have a discussion and see where you each are at in your lives. She may not want to be Dominant, it may not be who she is, then again it could be. You both will never know what the other is thinking if you do not get verbal and soon. It sounds like your marriage could be waning, at least the intimacy part and that is not good.

Keep an open mind, do not try to force her into being something she isn't and vice versa. It may open up a whole new world to you both.

~Lashra

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/6/2009 8:29:53 PM   
defeated


Posts: 21
Joined: 8/10/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: aphotic
You founded this on porn and masterbation, but now the coffin and heavy stone are bearing down on your sexuality? No sympathy whatsoever.


What? I didn't develop perversion and sexual appetite from porn, I've always been perverted! It's not like I started watching vanilla porn and worked my way up to INSEX vids. I never was even interested in porn 'till I saw my first HOM 8mm in the late 80s. That was the first porn I ever thought was worth having.

quote:

ORIGINAL: aphotic

Why is it so hard to be direct and honest with people before you commit?



Being direct and honest with people is easy. Being direct and honest with someone before you commit is even easier, because you should be commiting to someone who you consider closest to you anyway. I've got no problem with that.

To be clear, my Wife has known about the following ongoing personal issues since before we were engaged. I love top/bottom play, I'm perverted, I have a very high sex drive, I'm into very hard BDSM porn, I switch, I've got a history of paying pro-dommes for very hard SM and degradation sessions (she even knows the establishment's name, and the long time owner's name who's a 15 year friend of mine), my history on the local scene, my history of having two live in collared slaves, my history of sexual predatory on certain types of women. I'm sure there's other relevant stuff that she's acutely aware of but it escapes me right now.

She doesn't know that I was strongly considering looking outside the marriage for a non professional person with whom I could have sexual interaction for the purpses of my own satisfaction. I think that the idea woulod probably hurt and upset her, which is why I got cold feet and ultimately decided not to do it. After all, I adore my wife and other than the problem I'm asking for help with here, we have a perfect relationship with which we're both very happy as well as a successful life together.

quote:

ORIGINAL: aphotic

That was what committing meant in the first place... that you were satisfied with the status quo at the time and wished it to remain as such for a much longer time. You dug your grave -- now lie in it.



That's what commitment meant in the first place? No. If that's what you think commitment is, your commitment is destined for failure. For me. commitment means that you'll stick by your promise and your word, no matter how the status quo changes over time from what you originally saw. When I stood at the alter I said "for better or for worse" I meant it, and I still mean it today. That's a propper commitment.

Now, for your benefit I'll describe the status quo as it was on my marriage day. I'd just spent the last three years of my life with a nymphomaniac, kink friendly, intelligent, funny, vivacious girl with looks that turned (and still turn) other guys heads when she walks down the street with me. We were young and horny, most weekends we never even got out of bed 'cause we were too busy fucking, watching porn or napping the former two off. That was my status quo buddy. Mid life and pressures like kids, work, stress, the farm, constant fatigue and physical, mental, chemical and hormonal changes in both of us have changed the status quo somewhat, but I'm commited to make the thing work somehow.

That's the whole point of my thread.

It's obvious advice that I should talk to my wife about it. I'm the first to admit that I sometimes have difficulty communicating effectively with my wife. Put simply, my wife has an ingrained trait (that I am constantly trying to correct) of anticipating what she thinks I want to hear, and then telling me that instead of what she's trully thinking. It drives me mental, and I think it comes from her Dad, as I've noticed that her Mum does the same thing when talking to her Dad. The difference is, that her Dad has a volatile temper, while I do not. In eight years, I don't think I've ever even raised my voice to my wife, nor has she yelled at me. I've never really seen her articulate her emotions well, and I've spent considerable time in the past trying to encourage this. What drives me really nuts about this is that I'm actually a professional negotiator (I don't mean like a real estate agent or something, I mean a professional negotiator that deals with emotionally charged people in critical situations) and people generally regard me as a clear and effective communicator. I'm just at a loss here.

By and large, I appreciate everyone's time and advice spent in this thread. Yep, if my wife's doesn't like topping then perhaps I shouldn't be encouraging it. But how can I really tell if she likes topping or not? She makes all the right purring noises, and she seems to be initiating more of this kind of play so I just thought I'd give it a shot. Why don't I just ask her? Because she'll say that she likes it. Why am I so sure? I've asked her before. Why don't I just get on with it then? Because there's a significant chance she actually doesn't, and I don't want her to do something that she's not comfortable with. That's why I was trying to let her top me in the first place, because it was a good way to get more intimate time exploring some bedroom kink that I thought she might enjoy, even if she wasn't enjoying it for the actual kink. Do you follow?

Thanks to everyone who has added to this thread. I don't really have anyone in r/t I can ask for this kind of advice so it's especially appreciated.

Some of the best advice so far is that I shouldn't be trying to manipulate my Wife. That's good advice.

I also appreciated the advice that my wife is obviously sub. While just pointing out the bleeding obvious, I guess I just figured she could probably switch if the right buttons were pushed. I know that's how it works for me. I actually appreciated that pointer not because I want to take advantage of her submissiveness, but rather because it might be an obvious barrier to her being a Domme, and I hadn't really considered that angle before now.

Anyway, I should wind this post up before I wear out my fingers. I'm not sure what else I have to say at this point, but thanks!

< Message edited by defeated -- 11/6/2009 8:40:34 PM >

(in reply to aphotic)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/6/2009 10:39:33 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		i'm not sticking up for anyone on this.  i will say though, if i THOUGHT about cheating on my husband BUT didn't actually go through with it.... No i wouldn't tell him....but HELL NO i wouldn't tell him i had that thought. i would however, talk to him about why i am feeling the way i do, for instance. Somethings ARE better left unsaid.

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(in reply to defeated)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/6/2009 11:18:19 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: defeated

Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife



Easy enough... during that "time of the month", hide her tampons... use her favorite "to die for" pumps to hammer several nails into the wall... break the toilet seat off... then TELL HER WHAT YOU'VE DONE while in bed and after handing her both her mangled pumps and a crop.

Done!!! 




< Message edited by MasterSlaveLA -- 11/6/2009 11:22:21 PM >

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(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/7/2009 3:46:31 AM   
defeated


Posts: 21
Joined: 8/10/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA

quote:

ORIGINAL: defeated

Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife



Easy enough... during that "time of the month", hide her tampons... use her favorite "to die for" pumps to hammer several nails into the wall... break the toilet seat off... then TELL HER WHAT YOU'VE DONE while in bed and after handing her both her mangled pumps and a crop.

Done!!! 





Ah, I already know how to upset her. Not my goal here. She already has two deliberately naughty kids.

Thanks though, vey insightful...

(in reply to MasterSlaveLA)
Profile   Post #: 40
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