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RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/7/2009 5:16:36 AM

masmiss

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quote:

After all, most people are not interested in strong BDSM. And of the women that are, sites such as this suggest that there are more sub women than Dommes.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DevotionalSex

There are also many more sub men than Doms on sites such as this.

< Message edited by masmiss -- 11/7/2009 5:17:36 AM >

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RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/7/2009 5:32:05 AM

RedMagic1

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Does she get sexually aroused when she looks at you, or thinks of you? It sounds as though the answer is no, and used to be yes. How has your own body held up over the past few years? Others have commented at length about your extracurricular behavior and attitude. If your body is healthy, and your mind and actions are respectful of her, it's a lot more likely that she'll get wet when you're around.

You can't control what she does. You can, however, control yourself. Whether this thread is about your issues or not, ultimately your life is about them, because the only thing you have power over is your own issues.

Also, it's worth bearing in mind that women often get aroused by things having nothing whatever to do with the physical. Men, on the other hand, tend to get aroused by seeing some leg or the curve of an ass. Your opening post read to me as though you were trying to arouse her through physical touch -- in other words, thinking she works like a guy. You might have better luck if you treat her like a woman. I'm not trying to be snide here. Just try thinking about it in those terms, and see what happens.

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RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/7/2009 1:58:48 PM

defeated

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

How has your own body held up over the past few years?

When we were married I was 115kg, or 250lb or so. You're probably guffawing while you read, but I wasn't really fat. I'm about 6ft with a barrell chest, big shoulders and lots of muscle.

A year or so later I started to try and lose weight and lost 15kg or 33lb over a few years.

12 months ago, I started to train really hard and lost another 15kg in six months.

How am I looking? Very fit and a bit more buffed than usual.

What does this do to my sex drive? IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS BECAUSE I FEEL 500% MORE VIRILE.

Is this bad? ARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!! Chicks are constantly flirting with me and giving me that special smile! Considering my current circumstances, that just isn't welcome.

Yes I've held up my personal appearance over the years and it's my own worse enemy!

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RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/7/2009 2:48:56 PM

RedMagic1

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Of all the questions I ask you, and all the things I suggested you think about, you decided to respond only about your superficial appearance.

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RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/7/2009 3:16:23 PM

defeated

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Of all the questions I ask you, and all the things I suggested you think about, you decided to respond only about your superficial appearance.

Ummm, you only asked two questions, and I answered the only one of those I knew the answer to...

While I could prepare a written response for each of your suggestions, it wouldn't make for very interesting reading. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate your input though, thanks for your ideas.

< Message edited by defeated -- 11/7/2009 3:18:30 PM >

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RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/7/2009 3:23:29 PM

AAkasha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: defeated

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Of all the questions I ask you, and all the things I suggested you think about, you decided to respond only about your superficial appearance.

Ummm, you only asked two questions, and I answered the only one of those I knew the answer to...

While I could prepare a written response for each of your suggestions, it wouldn't make for very interesting reading. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate your input though, thanks for your ideas.

One of the challenges seems like she's not as interested as you are. You keep coming back to your 'options' for outside partners and your desirability and are missing the big picture - she's not desiring you in the way you feel you want/need/deserve. Is she seeing someone on the side to get her needs met and that's why she is not interested at home? Maybe she is the one who is finding pleasure outside what you consider good sex.

Also with all the background your relationship has with kink, porn, coming clean with your sexual needs and appetite and her knowing how kinky you are, it could be that she was just going along with it but never really into it. As she gets older and more secure, she's just doing as little as it takes but giving you lip service.

The hard question is this. If it was up to her to initiate it on HER terms and only if she felt like it, how often would it be? And how would you feel about that frequency? Those are tough questions that need honest answers. Maybe she's perfectly happy with things how they are. If this makes you feel like you have lots of options outside your relationship, know that you risk losing your marriage unless you both agree to it.

Akasha

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RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/7/2009 3:24:42 PM

gregor2001us

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I can only offer what has worked for me. I would suggest rereading AAkasha's posts, I think she is right on. My wife was very vanilla. And, truth be known, I didn't really know what I wanted, except to explore some fantasies when we first married. So we did. Just like learning to make love. And we communicated a lot about sex and how things worked. Over time, she has gotten to be quite a good Domme, but in her own way. Not anything I tried to pre-load. But better than I could have if I had tried.

My advice is to stop trying to get her to live up to your expectaions. Instead, explore sensations and small ideas about what turns you and her on. Debrief. Discuss. Give her lots of positive reinforcement when things work. See what happens. If you really want to be dominated, as opposed to fulfilling your fantasies, then let her find out what turnsd her on about dominating you.

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RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/7/2009 3:43:39 PM

defeated

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Thanks Aakasha, I've loved all of your advice. You're so right... I'm not being desired in the way I want, and I once was. While I'm aware that I should be addressing why this is, I'm not sure how. I know that she's not going outside the relationship. I know years ago she used to habitualy masturbate (at odd times too... or at times that seemed odd to me eg under a blanket watching TV, in the bath alone etc) but I'm not sure if this is still the case in secret. I'm pretty sure her desire is simply waned by children type hormone change, tiredness and such.

Generally speaking our sex life is initiated by her, so it's at it's current level which is essentially set by her. I'm not in the habit of forcing myself on her, and really, she doesn't stand for it anyway. I have considered discussing going outside of the relationship for sex with her, but I'm scared of causing colossal damage with that question. Anyway, that's not what I want. I actually think that my wife is the world's most sexually desirable woman, and it's her I want more sex with, rather than more sex in general.

< Message edited by defeated -- 11/7/2009 3:47:08 PM >

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RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/8/2009 9:39:57 AM

rockspider

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OMG. You are even the same age as when i stood in your situation. I meet a gorgeous woman in my mid twenties after a year of dating we moved in together and 2 years later we married with all the bells ringing. In the first part of our relationship the sexlife was absolute great. I would call it mostly vanilla with some added mild kink. In the beginning we did everything together. We loved scubadiving and both served on the committe of the local diving club. Both working and a very good marriage. Well two years in to the marriage she fell pregnant and after the birth her sex drive just nosedived as did her interest in virtually anything besides the baby. At the time we lived in a wonderful but rented house complete with full time maid. A year later we bought a house and actually ran in to some financial dificulties. Well i did start my own bussiness which i strugled with for a couple of years. I must be honest in a couple of years 15 hour days 7 days a week was more the norm than the exeption. I have always been of the opinion that any form of sexual activity taking less than one hour is a waste of time emotionally and the longer the better. In that period she like developed a "spread my legs and get on with it attitude". As far as i was concerned then, it did serve a purpose and my energy was more directed towards my bussines. Besides i didn't have the energy to really focus on the matter. After the first two years the bussiness setled in to a more setled pace and i got time to actually relax a bit and the sexual problems really started to gnaw away at us. I tried everything, flowers, chocolates, lingerie, slap up dinners in 5 star restaurants, romantic getaways and in the end we actually believed that a second child would revive the marriage. She got pregnant again and when that was over it was even worse. We even tried a highly payed psykiatrist with speciality in sexual problems. Hell, she had a body as a Ferrari, but with an engine from a Ford T installed. Would cough and splutter on occasion. Some times even fire and run smoothly for a while, but mostly it was just dead.
I tried pleading with her, begging, reasoning and shouting. One of the problems was that any criticisme was mostly meet with stuff like " A man duty is to provide for his family" or "I have read that sex more than twice a month in a marriage is uncommon". Another thing was that if she was any form of argument she would put on the the "Thundercloud face" and not say a word for days. Even to the extend she would take messages from bussiness associates and not pas them on, what caused me lots of problems. After some time of this i had my first affair. It didn't stop with that either. 5 years later i were screewing anything that moved all over the place. Never really getting involved emotionally as such, as it was just sex. That didn't satisfy me either. Well the break up of the marriage came when i finally got so pissed of with her rejections decided to give her a dose of her own medicine. I was the one to turn around with a "headache" in bed. I did stick to my guns and 4 months later we where in a messy divorce. Sadly enough, the kids was the big loosers as always.
Well what can you learn from this story?
Maybe print it out and show her. Is that the way you want it to go?
What should i have done. Well when the problems actually surfaced, grabbed them firmly and insisted on talking them out. If that wouldn't have sorted the problem out, i should have divorced her back then. Would have saved us both for like 10 years in doomed marriage.
You are not really looking for a dominant. More like a wife who on occasion will take the lead and screew your brains out. If my first wife would have done that i think we still would have been married. But i also believe that some woman (and men) just don't have it in them. Because you love them, it doesn't necessary mean you can live with them.

< Message edited by rockspider -- 11/8/2009 9:57:21 AM >

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RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/8/2009 10:39:44 AM

dreamerdreaming

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Great post, Rockspider!

Sad tale, though. Hopefully others will learn from it.

OP: This sort of thread really pisses me off. You can't dom your wife, so you try to force her to dom you?! Do you see what a crock of shit that is?

1. Why should she be the one to do something that you can't? Try challenging yourself to do it, instead of her. If you can't, then don't expect her to. She was submissive, and expected a DOM when she married you. You pulled a total bait-and -switch on her, and that's just soooo wrong. STOP IT.

2. Forget about the sex for a while. Right now you are not ruled by your wife- you're ruled by your testosterone. That's what makes you constantly horny. Stop letting it rule you. Do like your wife is doing right now, and what you should have been doing the past several years: join together with her to FOCUS ON THE CHILDREN, instead of your dick.

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RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/8/2009 9:02:34 PM

defeated

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quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

OP: This sort of thread really pisses me off. You can't dom your wife, so you try to force her to dom you?! Do you see what a crock of shit that is?

Oh wow. No I didn't see what a crock of shit that was, but it just hit me like a ton of bricks. It is a crock and I really hadn't considered that.

Thanks to everyone again for the advice. I've got a lot to think about...

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RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/8/2009 10:18:11 PM

azjojoba

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I read most of your posts because it's an interesting topic for me. Many married guys have problems like you describe -- but usually you hear it from older guys like me that have post menopausal wives. I assume your wife is not there yet but menopause can come very early for some women. Sometimes child birth has similar affects on women's sex drives.

Your basic problem seems to be that your wife has a lack of sex drive. The kink seems to be a secondary issue.

It's tough to talk to wives about hormones, but I think you need to discuss the possible medical issues that may be involved with her lack of sex drive. See if you can convince her to visit a doctor that is attuned to women's sex issues to rule out physical problems. Whatever you do, avoid saying the word "hormone" unless she brings it up. Most women brought up in the new age of feminism (which means every American woman below the age of 90) are very defensive when guys talk about women's hormones.

If the physical part checks out then you both need counseling. Of course convincing your wife to go to sex counseling could be a tough sell -- I haven't been able to get my wife to do that.

My advice will probably get blasted by some of the female cynics here -- only because they want to burn the messenger. Oh well! Consider this advice from a guy that hasn't solved the problem either. Good luck!

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RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/8/2009 10:32:42 PM

kasumi

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I have to admit that I haven't read all the responses but I hope its all right that I comment anyway.

I've always been the loud, opinionated female. I've had guys come to me because they see me (I've been called an "amazon" due to my height and build) wearing gothic clothing and/or "bondage pants" and this somehow leads them to think that I'm a domme. I'm not. I've always been the girl to do just about anything to please, I'll even put on that mask if that's what my partner wanted, but it never did anything for me. When I got with my current boyfriend, I realized that I want to be dominated more than anything - but only because of my trust in him.

I can see you love your wife and this is probably what is giving you such trouble in dominating her, from what I have read of your posts. My current boyfriend - and Master - is incredibly romantic and a wonderful gentleman. He calls me his Goddess and gives me all the attention in the world but still takes over in the bedroom because pleasing him is my greatest pleasure.

It doesn't seem that our relationship would be perfect for you two, but the reason why I bring it up is because there must be some sort of common ground you two can reach. You can worship her in any way that pleases either of you and still treat her as your submissive - if that is what she's looking for.

It really seems like she's just leaving you in the dust once she has what she wants - when you give her the reins. This is terribly disrespectful in my opinion - and it must be driving you crazy!

I'm sure that with your dedication you will be able to find out what can be done to make your sex life the most appealing to you both. I have three children and I have self-esteem issues of my own, but my boyfriend showers me with praise and when he comes onto me in that "I've GOT to have you!" sort of way, it makes me feel like I'm the most desireable woman in the world!

On the other hand, I have also had a few boyfriends, as previously stated, who always wanted me in the dominant position. I came to take them for granted and lose respect for them in the end. I'm sure I wasn't giving them what they wanted and I found sex to be more annoying than anything else. Seeing your woman just say something like, 'Well.. you can have some time to masturbate then...' makes me wonder if she's having the same reaction.

At the same time, I know you've been getting mostly responses from the sub girls, like myself, and you might not be hearing what you need to. I apologize for that. ^.^'

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RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/8/2009 10:51:31 PM

LadyPact

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quote:

ORIGINAL: azjojoba

I read most of your posts because it's an interesting topic for me. Many married guys have problems like you describe -- but usually you hear it from older guys like me that have post menopausal wives. I assume your wife is not there yet but menopause can come very early for some women. Sometimes child birth has similar affects on women's sex drives.

Your basic problem seems to be that your wife has a lack of sex drive. The kink seems to be a secondary issue.

It's tough to talk to wives about hormones, but I think you need to discuss the possible medical issues that may be involved with her lack of sex drive. See if you can convince her to visit a doctor that is attuned to women's sex issues to rule out physical problems. Whatever you do, avoid saying the word "hormone" unless she brings it up. Most women brought up in the new age of feminism (which means every American woman below the age of 90) are very defensive when guys talk about women's hormones.

If the physical part checks out then you both need counseling. Of course convincing your wife to go to sex counseling could be a tough sell -- I haven't been able to get my wife to do that.

My advice will probably get blasted by some of the female cynics here -- only because they want to burn the messenger. Oh well! Consider this advice from a guy that hasn't solved the problem either. Good luck!

Actually, that's probably the most helpful thing I've seen you say on the boards to date. Very good.

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RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/9/2009 12:01:50 AM

defeated

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The 55th post of the thread... I can't thank you all enough!

There's a recurring theme here, and it's that subbing to my wife is fraught with danger. The umpteen people who have pointed out that I'm only trying to sub to her for selfish reasons are also obviously correct. I consider both of these to be good observations that I've taken to heart.

One of my favourite pieces of advice was from the insightful Domme who has pointed out that if I don't feel right dominating my wife, why is it right to demand domination from her... excuse my paraphrasing.

Although I thought the thread started out with a shaky start, it's actually turned out to be a massive help to me when I'm contemplating a very difficult issue in my life.

So I guess it might be time to step up to the plate, and let her know that she can have the same guy inside the bedroom than ouside, and that that's the same man she originally fell in love with and married. The confident, strong, capable, cheeky Alpha.

I'm just rambling now because I'm writing down my thoughts. I guess the main point of this post was to thank everyone again.

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RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/9/2009 2:29:47 AM

azjojoba

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Actually, that's probably the most helpful thing I've seen you say on the boards to date. Very good.

I'm speechless!

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RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/9/2009 2:45:21 AM

ranja

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i just wish you so much good luck
it is just absolutely awful if you love somebody so much and you're together and supposedly best friends and lovers and they reject you sexually... (unless you are into cuckolding... which might help the rejected partner cope with the situation, sad as it sounds)

hormones or erections or not... i do believe that getting in the mood can be worked at by the disinterested partner with a bit of help from the other... i am sorry if this offends anybody but people who have gone off sex have to stop being so selfish aswell and start making an effort and cooperate when the interested (or even horny)partner takes the effort to push them along a bit...

my Husband was most difficult to move, it drove me potty... also, He knew He was being unfair and lacking while still not even trying to cooperate, like He was frozen... it was a very difficult situation...

People who do not even try to cooperate are like spoilt Kevins... who end up whining: "i just don't feel like it".... well, if they do not want to lose what they think they have then they have to start pushing some of their own buttons and make themselves "feel like it" or come clean to their partner as to what he or she is doing wrong... what it is that is turning them off or else indeed expect and allow their rejected partner to have their NEEDS met else where.

all this friggin pussy footing around people who supposedly have a low sexdrive... crap... it is a stupid power game, stupid stupid stupid... it is far nicer to get along and get jiggy, far far far nicer.

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RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/9/2009 2:54:13 AM

Level

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Yep, being open and honest is the best cure, one way or the other. Fuck pussy footing!

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RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/9/2009 2:58:19 AM

DesFIP

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I disagree ranja, some people do have lower libidos than others. If you assume things will change after whatever event you are looking forward to, then you know what they say about assume - makes an ass of U and ME.

However if someone, like the op's wife used to have a sex drive, and hasn't since the birth of the second child, then if they have any health insurance there is no excuse not to go find out what changed. It may just be that she's run ragged, that she works full time and does the lion's share of the housework and the childcare, that she's the one up in the middle nightly etc. But it could also be a physical change brought on by childbirth and nursing.

He doesn't mention if she's still nursing, because frequently nursing mothers have no libido. Also their breasts are tender and if their husbands still grab at them, he will teach her that his touch is unwelcomed pain. If nipple stimulation was always part of her arousal pattern and that isn't being done to avoid milk let down, that could be part of it. But she could also have hormonal imbalances that need to be addressed. Which is why a doctor's visit should be first.

When my kids were this age, the thing that was most likely to help me be aroused later was him taking them out of the house for an hour while I got a nap.

The op is talking about massaging her. He isn't talking about going to the grocery store, cooking meals, cleaning house, or doing child care. And those things matter. What he's doing is clearly for the purpose of having sex, it's selfish. The other things demonstrate love.

Plus his whole convoluted thinking about submissive women are clearly sluts who he can't have a relationship with may well have translated itself to her as if she's a sexual being, he will be contemptuous of her. If so, then he needs to fix his thinking.

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RE: Encouraging dominant behaviour from my Wife - 11/9/2009 3:28:27 AM

ranja

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It is no surprise at all to me that you should disagree with me Des... and i have no clue what you are driving at with the assume line.

I stick to my opinion; hormones or erections aside... people can change their sexdrive... people can surpress it or encourage it... people can block themselves or open up to play... and some people can even do this without therapy!

of course i am not talking about men who accidentally lost their willie somewhere or women who had their clit stolen, obviously these people have bigger problems.

The op said that his wife had enough help from him and both sets of parents to help her with the children... he massages her for HOURS on end... she is selfish!!

like level said: fuck pussy footing

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