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ORIGINAL: DowagerMum

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And yet every day people get married to other people and children end up with step parents. I guess all those people are putting their children at risk and their partners shouldn't have any say in the upbringing of their step children in your world.

Darcy, there is more wisdom in your statement than you perhaps know. Yes, every day people get maried to virtual strangers, who end up with step=parents to their children. If you spoke to a few social workers, you might learn that a great deal of child abuse comes from a step parent.=, and the birth parent is often totally unaware. So yes, when you do take another party into your family dynamic, you are in a snese, putting your children at risk.

Which is one reason people should be extremely careful whom they marry or bring into their home, and just how much control over the children the third party has. That said, if you are sensible and have vetted your partner carefully., having that partner share equally in the responsibility and control of the children can be a very good thing. It gives you back-up, and helps the kids learn that there are varous authority figures in the world, and that "You're not the Boss of Me"! won't work!

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Vanilla




Posts: 15
Joined: 6/6/2009
Status: online Hello...

I've read a couple of threads talking about protocol in front of kids, service in front of kids, etc. so I'm going to ford into the potentially taboo waters....

As always, of course there's a spectrum, YMMV, etc.

Something that sort of bothers me is that so often I read/hear about the submissive partner taking care of ALL the housework, ALL the chores, being "bossed around" by the Dominant's kids (who may or may not be their own biological children) etc....

I think it is *crucial* for children to be contributing members of households for numerous reasons... they need to learn HOW so they can maintain their own home someday.. they need to understand that they ARE expected to be contributing to the smooth running of the home... they need to not think they are the absolute center of the universe and entitled to a perfect environment of somebody else's making (ok, yeah, I tend to dislike most kids I'm around these days... and I'm a mom so I'm around LOTS of other kids... and have been for years).

In addition, I do not think it's healthy for children to be "taught" disrespect, which I've seen happen in situations where the children end up higher on the pecking order than the submissive. I'm sorry, I recognize that there are cultures which still condone slavery in a real sense... but that's not ~really~ what we're talking about in this lifestyle, I don't care how to parse the verbage and twist the semantics (and I'm *Gorean* by paradigm... I "get it"...I also live on Earth and not in a 3rd world country.. shhhh... don't tell on me... lol). I remember speaking with a woman who was routinely abused by her teenage daughters because she was "just a slave" in her household. ?! Oh hell no. Who allows that?!

I understand that domestic servitude is/can be a very visceral (and convenient) method to explore the power exchange dynamic... and that for some people total and complete humiliation, including secretly dreading/being thrilled by having to defer to the spoiled 3 yr old is a hugely fulfilling thing... but I wonder if perhaps sometimes people get caught up in the "kink" aspect of it and forget to consider the larger picture? Time and place, and all that jazz. I don't think we do our children any sort of service by raising them in a dynamic that allows them to abdicate *responsibility*. In fact, I believe that if you "consent" to a situation which condones this sort of environment you're really (at least in your small way) contributing to the deterioration of society. (Extreme? I'm not so sure.. heh)

I'm *not* saying BDSM is an unhealthy dynamic for parents of children to explore. I just think that all too often the "safe sane and consensual" needs to be expanded to a slightly broader definition when they are kids in the mix.

Has anybody else noticed this theme?

~a bondmaid

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ORIGINAL: littlewonder

There should be a test one has to take to have children. Some people should just not have them.

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ORIGINAL: ranja

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ORIGINAL: littlewonder

There should be a test one has to take to have children. Some people should just not have them.

oh dear... never! i would not have been born, and that would be such a pity!!

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ORIGINAL: ranja

Not true loving pet... my Husband had wonderful parents... they would surely have passed that test... as i am sure we would ourselves...

my parents however... oh dear... nevertheless i am glad they had a go at it... also i am glad that they were juuuust not bad enough so we didn't get taken into care... which happened to my unfortunate cousin... not nice... torn families, bad rows and anger issues and worse... oh dear oh dear...

anyway we keep sex private off course... but our offspring does obviously experience our relationship... living under the same roof like this...
we have a very good relationship... bdsm suits us much much better than vanilla ever did...

also i will not subject my child to the things my (can't call them normal but) vanilla parents subjected me to

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ORIGINAL: bondmaid123

Hello...

I've read a couple of threads talking about protocol in front of kids, service in front of kids, etc. so I'm going to ford into the potentially taboo waters....

As always, of course there's a spectrum, YMMV, etc.

Something that sort of bothers me is that so often I read/hear about the submissive partner taking care of ALL the housework, ALL the chores, being "bossed around" by the Dominant's kids (who may or may not be their own biological children) etc....

I think it is *crucial* for children to be contributing members of households for numerous reasons... they need to learn HOW so they can maintain their own home someday.. they need to understand that they ARE expected to be contributing to the smooth running of the home... they need to not think they are the absolute center of the universe and entitled to a perfect environment of somebody else's making (ok, yeah, I tend to dislike most kids I'm around these days... and I'm a mom  so I'm around LOTS of other kids... and have been for years).

In addition, I do not think it's healthy for children to be "taught" disrespect, which I've seen happen in situations where the children end up higher on the pecking order than the submissive.  I'm sorry, I recognize that there are cultures which still condone slavery in a real sense... but that's not ~really~ what we're talking about in this lifestyle, I don't care how to parse the verbage and twist the semantics (and I'm *Gorean* by paradigm... I "get it"...I also live on Earth and not in a 3rd world country.. shhhh... don't tell on me... lol).  I remember speaking with a woman who was routinely abused by her teenage daughters because she was "just a slave" in her household.  ?!  Oh hell no.  Who allows that?! 

I understand that domestic servitude is/can be a very visceral (and convenient) method to explore the power exchange dynamic... and that for some people total and complete humiliation, including secretly dreading/being thrilled by having to defer to the spoiled 3 yr old is a hugely fulfilling thing... but I wonder if perhaps sometimes people get caught up in the "kink" aspect of it and forget to consider the larger picture?   Time and place, and all that jazz.  I don't think we do our children any sort of service by raising them in a dynamic that allows them to abdicate *responsibility*.  In fact, I believe that if you "consent" to a situation which condones this sort of environment you're really (at least in your small way) contributing to the deterioration of society.  (Extreme?  I'm not so sure.. heh)

I'm *not* saying BDSM is an unhealthy dynamic for parents of children to explore.  I just think that all too often the "safe sane and consensual" needs to be expanded to a slightly broader definition when they are kids in the mix.

Has anybody else noticed this theme?

~a bondmaid

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ORIGINAL: lovingpet
I would say exposing children to a happy, functional relationship of whatever breed is much better than exposing them to a troubled one. I don't think it is D/s that determines the health of the relationship, but the parties in the relationship.

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ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

I agree the parties and their values are most important, but I also think, ideally, it would be best not only to keep kids from being exposed to a troubled relationship, but from any shade of D/s. Keeping it from them while maintaining a D/s...bdsm relationship is possible.

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ORIGINAL: bondmaid123
I think when I read these discussions or talk with folks and they start talking about how their D/s dynamic has overshadowed "good parenting", I think they've maybe compartmentalized their various roles ...

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ORIGINAL: DemonKia

FR, after read thru

Step-parents & child abuse, sometimes called the Cinderella effect; I became familiar with the discussion thru reading Daly & Wilson's text 'Homicide' in the early '90's. But having a long-term interest in child abuse issues, the data presented was hardly startling or controversial. (Frankly, DeMause is way harder to absorb, tho' the rigorous grounding of both Daly-&-Wilson & DeMause impresses me . . . . . )

OMG, don't get me started on step parents i have had 7 total in my life. my dad is on wife #4 and my mother is on husband #5. i have heard there are good step parents, i just was not fortunate enough to have one in my life. An added note: i am 46, pretty well adjusted, and some of the shit still gets me when i remember. just sayin...

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ORIGINAL: estah

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It is sad that people let their kink determine that children are being brought up badly.

That sentence by estah summarizes all my thoughts on the topic. Having no Ums, but having some friends who are confronted daily with the arising problems, i have to admit, that i am happy not having to find an acceptable way through that minefield.

As with many others topics the parent/s have an ongoing process of balancing their own needs and the needs of the Ums. I do not believe that there is a good way, because even concerning the vanilla education there are so many pitfalls and the not vanilla aspect is an added complicator in my view.




_____________________________

After 10 years with the handle ZenDragoness it is time for a change.

(in reply to estah)

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And in all my time working with children and my own personal life with my teens and housefuls of their friends, I have never heard the words 'You are not the boss of me'. You give children stability and encourage them to speak out without fear of pointless repercussions and that they do have a voice regardless of their age, you get far more respect and not the stereotypical behaviour that adults thrust upon them falsely.