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RE: My mother just doesnt understand... - 12/11/2009 2:38:00 PM   
JJohnsJR24


Posts: 45
Joined: 5/29/2009
Status: offline 		You know what, I am just going to stop taking you seriously and just laugh.  Life is to short to get worked up by some grumpy man on a CollarMe message board.  Oh btw, I will be blocking your messages from now on.  Go see if your methods of helping people will really work more times than not in any other similar topic.  I will think you will just get responses of people telling you to grow up or go away. Bye!

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: My mother just doesnt understand... - 12/11/2009 2:45:27 PM   
Sfortzando


Posts: 174
Joined: 1/30/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SoulPiercer

quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

What the heck did you tell her?....i mean its not like we do human sacrifices or anything. What got her so upset?


"Mom and dad, I met a terrific guy. He's established in his career, has his own car, unlike my previous two boyfriends, he doesn't smack me arround like my ex-husband. By the way he's black."

Stand back and watch the parents flip out. Am I saying everyone's parents will flip? No, but rest assured some will. And that applies to anything our parents might not agree with or do not understand, be it our partner's race, our choice of religion, our sexual preference and our involvement in so-called "deviant behavior". It doesn't matter that we don't sacrifice babies.

I'm 45, been exploring the "lifestyle" for close to 15 years now. My parents still don't know. But I have never felt the need to discuss my private life in detail with my parents, siblings, friends or co-workers. I don't need anyone's approval.

As previously posted, give your mom time to cool off. Don't pass any books along. She'll react in the same way she would if you told her you'd devoted your life to Hare Krishna and wanted to leave her some literature.

Give her a call before the family gets together.

Don't say: "So, am I still banned from Christmas dinner?" Just tell her you're looking forward to seeing everyone and you hope she likes her Christmas present (don't get her a gift card!).

As for your previous conversation, leave it alone. When/if she wants to talk about it, she'll bring it up.


Tell me about it. When I told my mother I was gay - no problem. When I told her was dating a black woman ten years older than me - fine. When I told her I didn't want to go to a four year college (and believe me, this is a BIG deal in my family of PhDs) - didn't even blink.

Then I became a vegetarian; holy shit, you'd think the world was comming to an end.

She did cool down after a while, and while it isn't a perfect solution, stepping away and letting her calm down for a month or two is a good idea. Then, let her know that you still love her and want to be a part of her life. If she's willing to talk about it, there are ways to talk about it without getting graphic and that will reassure her you're alright.

(in reply to SoulPiercer)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: My mother just doesnt understand... - 12/11/2009 2:51:30 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

Sticks and stones dude.  You call it cruel I call it "hard reality".  The fact is had you denied it you wouldn't be in this mess.  It's that simple,  so for someone "considering" coming out as it were.  Be prepared to have your family dis you.  To my mind very valuable advice.

I really wanna know how offering sympathy and condolences could be construed as "advice"
So shoot me cuz i paraphrased split milk.  They got the point and that is what counts ...Grow up sheesh 

BadOne



 Do you really not know that when someone says something with the discourtesy, and abruptness you displayed here, that WHAT they had to say was over shadowed by HOW it was said?  i have read your posts over the past few years and, you REALLYSO many more people could learn from the wisdom many of your posts have shown. are an insightful man. If you would just ease it back a bit.... i just know others might learn from some of the good insights you have.

< Message edited by breatheasone -- 12/11/2009 3:40:30 PM >

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: My mother just doesnt understand... - 12/11/2009 3:01:16 PM   
chiaThePet


Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

What the heck did you tell her?....i mean its not like we do human sacrifices or anything.


Oops.

chia* (the pet)


_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to breatheasone)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: My mother just doesnt understand... - 12/11/2009 3:06:14 PM   
GYPSYMAMBO


Posts: 660
Joined: 9/26/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum
The fact is had you denied it you wouldn't be in this mess. you.  To my mind very valuable advice.


BadOne



 
yep..LYING is good advice...
very valuable......
GM

_____________________________

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"A turd is still a turd even if it is shellaced!"

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Profile   Post #: 65
RE: My mother just doesnt understand... - 12/11/2009 3:41:25 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chiaThePet

quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

What the heck did you tell her?....i mean its not like we do human sacrifices or anything.


Oops.

chia* (the pet)


Awww DUDE?!  You didn't get the memo?


_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to chiaThePet)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: My mother just doesn't understand... - 12/11/2009 4:01:07 PM   
Hawkwindblues


Posts: 183
Joined: 6/26/2009
From: Berlin, Germany
Status: offline
quote:

You've been given an opportunity - use it.


Starting from that quote of Mercnbeth, i have to write my answer.

Stay strong in your self and the decisions you made for yourself.

If the relationship between you and your mother is a loving one, as somebody said above - time is a healer, it will recover from the shock. Give her time and give yourself time. Do not let you pressurize by guilt, bigottery or prudery into conforming behaviour, but like some others said do not confront her on and on.

Try to get back to some private space in the contact.

If the reaction is mostly due to some religious belief system it will be a very hard and long way.

I wish you strength and courage and a good outcome.

_____________________________

After 10 years with the handle ZenDragoness it is time for a change.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: My mother just doesnt understand... - 12/11/2009 4:31:13 PM   
Drifa


Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JJohnsJR24
I never told her, she some how found out.  I have no idea how.  Weather it be by finding something I have no idea.  She wouldn't tell me. 


I haven't seen this addressed, but honestly, you should figure out exactly how she found out. Don't wait for her to tell you, you seem intelligent, figure out where you let your private stuff hang out in the open!

The number one way people "let slip" is because you viewed questionable material on a computer the other person has access to, or slipped up leaving trails via Facebook etc. If this is what happened, you need to get a whole lot smarter about your computer usage, because you never know when the 12 year old computer savvy niece will find your viewing history!  Get some education about what kinds of data trails you are leaving!

If it was your toys, why on earth were they where your mom could get at them? If you live in your parents' home, then buy a container for that stuff that LOCKS. When we go on vacations and my in-laws will be house-sitting, anything questionable goes in a closet that is padlocked, because they DO snoop. I second an earlier suggestion that you start looking for your own place if you live at home.

If your mom talked with some partner of yours, then you need to pick better partners who won't run their mouth about your business.



(in reply to JJohnsJR24)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: My mother just doesnt understand... - 12/11/2009 4:32:55 PM   
JJohnsJR24


Posts: 45
Joined: 5/29/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Acer49


quote:

ORIGINAL: JJohnsJR24

Hi all.  So today I had a pretty serious confrontation with my mom, who found out about my interest and involvement in this lifestyle.  And to say that she took it hard is well beyond an understatement.  She went off about saying how much of a weirdo I am in the community, and how much of an embarrassment I am to her and the family.  She also went on to say that I am now dead to her, and that I should never show my self around again, even for hollidays ect.  I dont know what to do or think about this.

My question is has anyone else ever had this kind of reaction from a family member and how did you handle it.  Because I honestly dont know what to do.  She is being so ignorant about this, and I dont understand why.  I really hope not many else on here had to go through what I just did because it was harsh.  Thanks for any input.



My mother walked into my bedroom looking for the restroom, I had all bmy toys out. I simply explained it to her, she smiled and said "ok". No judgement, no shrieks or drama, But then in my family, we accept oneanother unconditionally



Lucky you : )  I wish it were that easy around here.

(in reply to Acer49)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: My mother just doesnt understand... - 12/11/2009 5:35:15 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JJohnsJR24

Hi all.  So today I had a pretty serious confrontation with my mom, who found out about my interest and involvement in this lifestyle.  And to say that she took it hard is well beyond an understatement.  She went off about saying how much of a weirdo I am in the community, and how much of an embarrassment I am to her and the family.  She also went on to say that I am now dead to her, and that I should never show my self around again, even for hollidays ect.  I dont know what to do or think about this.

My question is has anyone else ever had this kind of reaction from a family member and how did you handle it.  Because I honestly dont know what to do.  She is being so ignorant about this, and I dont understand why.  I really hope not many else on here had to go through what I just did because it was harsh.  Thanks for any input.


I haven't spoken to my Dad for almost 20 years. He was very successful in life and as a young man, full of visions of success, I came to him asking for advice on my then nascent business ventures. He said I needed to take some community college courses to be able to understand any conversation I may have with him...but that if I took these courses, he'd be eager to talk with me.

So I did...all with 4.00 grades.

After having passed these courses, I was still too "stupid" to seek his advice.

So I sought out local businessmen to ask advice. Oddly, none of them felt I was incapable of discernment. Indeed, they made all kinds of personal time available to me...often into the wee hours of the night.

My father lost 20 years of something that should have been valuable to him by virtue. 7 years ago he made it clear in a very long letter that if I didn't "shape up" I'd lose my inheritance.

Interestingly, my net worth today exceeds his by a factor of 2, and I sent him a letter explaining to him "I never wanted your money.....just you....and your time, frankly I thought I was out of the will 15 years ago....I do hope it (your money) keeps you warm at night".

He is a negative man, and while I will always love him, I feel incredibly sorry for him.

I choose to not be around him for some very specific reasons:

1) I don't agree that I'm not intelligent enough to have a conversation with him, and if he truly feels that way, then he doesn't need to be in my life. Why? Because I knew then, and I know now....I'm more than good enough, so much so that in fewer than 5 more years my net worth will exceed his by a factor of 5 or more. Money isn't my measure...but it most assuredly is his...and by his measure...I was good enough 10 years ago.

HE's not good enough for ME to have a conversation with.

2) I don't need that shit. I pay people exceptionally well, whether employees or vendors, and like every businessman, I can find all kinds of people that can find shit to say about me....I don't need it from my family.

And most importantly....3) There's enough human sewage in every newspaper on a daily basis....I don't need to go looking for it...I prefer to have people around me that actually care about me (or at least act like they do)....if his own spawn offends him (or if yours are offended by you)....'nuff said.

(Funny thing is...he never went to college, and it took me years to figure out that...the reason he was so reticent about educating me was....he worked hard...but he didn't really have an education....and the truth was....he saw at an early age (mine) that I was probably going to surpass him someday....he just didn't want me to ever find out he didn't actually have the answers. Funny thing was...I didn't care....I just wanted him......in the end, neither one of us got what we wanted....and he lost out).

Your Mom is exuding similar traits, none of which are conducive to your long term well being. You don't have to agree to her terms.

(And it's perfectly okay if you don't).

(in reply to JJohnsJR24)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: My mother just doesnt understand... - 12/12/2009 5:46:50 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		xmas is only in two weeks...
that does not give you much time to smooth things out really...
so if my earlier advice is not getting you anywhere and things do not improve sufficiently for you to attend the christmas-do as a valued family member... and you feel there is nothing to lose... i might be inclined to invite a leather clad multiple pierced friend along for the fun... someone who would appreciate a bit of drama, someone much like the main baddy in highlander 1 (oh he was hot) and crash the party right in the middle when they are at the table gossipping about ya... butt in, take your rightful place, eat, be as rude as possible, but tell em all you love them and bring gifts with you; explanatory books all neatly wrapped up with bows and everything.... it would make for a great scene don't cha think?

Leave quickly before they recover from the shock....
(also like Drifa said... find the leak!!)

< Message edited by ranja -- 12/12/2009 5:50:34 AM >

(in reply to JJohnsJR24)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: My mother just doesnt understand... - 12/12/2009 8:16:17 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		The leak is probably the picture in the profile. People say nilla's do not check out kink site.. as someone who cleans computers daily I can tell you a LOT of people one would never think are perusing sites like this. I just cleared an 89 yr old guys computer and it was dripping with kink. BTW, his job before retirement..? A judge.

If you are going to put an image out anywhere, you take your chances on who drives by.

(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: My mother just doesnt understand... - 12/12/2009 11:49:18 AM   
lilmisssubmiss


Posts: 284
Joined: 9/29/2008
Status: offline 		I'm not going to tell my family... why tell them something they can't understand? It's not fair to only you but them also...

It's not their bis anyways...

It'd break my dad's heart because he wouldn't be able to understand.. I'll never put him in that position. He just needs to know the basics.. the guy a. treats me well b. loves me c. protects me d. we have a good healthy relationship
other than that... he doesn't need to know anything same with the rest of my family...

It's not like I'd tell him about my sex life anyways... so I don't know why just because it's bdsm... people think they have to tell people.. it's the same thing..

just my thoughts and my opinion.

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: My mother just doesnt understand... - 12/12/2009 11:50:52 AM   
lilmisssubmiss


Posts: 284
Joined: 9/29/2008
Status: offline 		And, frankly I believe you shouldn't of gone into it with her if it leaked and got found out..

you should of said it's my personal bis Mom... between me and so and so thanks for caring but it's really not for anyone else to know but me... sorry some information got leaked.

(in reply to lilmisssubmiss)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: My mother just doesnt understand... - 12/12/2009 1:45:15 PM   
JJohnsJR24


Posts: 45
Joined: 5/29/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss

And, frankly I believe you shouldn't of gone into it with her if it leaked and got found out..

you should of said it's my personal bis Mom... between me and so and so thanks for caring but it's really not for anyone else to know but me... sorry some information got leaked.



I never really got into it with her.  She went off I hardly said anything,  I tried to tell her its no big deal let me just live my life but that didnt work to well, she just kept going about how its wrong ect ect. 

(in reply to lilmisssubmiss)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: My mother just doesnt understand... - 12/14/2009 9:27:13 AM   
Kyoki


Posts: 69
Joined: 5/3/2009
Status: offline 		That's rough. Sorry your Mom went nutty on you. My Dad knows about my interests, but not my Mom. I only keep it from my Mom because my step-dad is really old fashioned. I decided it's not worth the trouble to bother.

If your Mom wants to toss you aside because of your sexual interests, you tell her that she has a lot of growing up she needs to do. You would never do that to her. You're not harming anyone (Well, okay you kinda are IN A GOOD WAY) so she shouldn't have an issue with it.

My cousins are weirded out by my interests, but I know they think no different of me.

(in reply to JJohnsJR24)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: My mother just doesnt understand... - 12/14/2009 9:40:30 AM   
VirginPotty


Posts: 11624
Joined: 7/16/2008
From: Virginville
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SoulPiercer

quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

What the heck did you tell her?....i mean its not like we do human sacrifices or anything. What got her so upset?


. By the way he's black."

Stand back and watch the parents flip out.


"Ya got that right, SoulP!
My family doesn't know about my lifestyle but I did get that reaction from my father when I had my daughter. My mother gave me the same reaction when I became pregnant so for 7 months I was banned from the family but of course once the baby arrived all was well w/her............then my father found out.
(Forget the fact he thought I owed him wifely duties when I was 8.....but I guess it was ok 'cuz he's white)

_____________________________

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

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Profile   Post #: 77
RE: My mother just doesnt understand... - 12/14/2009 9:47:24 AM   
Kyoki


Posts: 69
Joined: 5/3/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

Sticks and stones dude.  You call it cruel I call it "hard reality".  The fact is had you denied it you wouldn't be in this mess.  It's that simple,  so for someone "considering" coming out as it were.  Be prepared to have your family dis you.  To my mind very valuable advice.

I really wanna know how offering sympathy and condolences could be construed as "advice"
So shoot me cuz i paraphrased split milk.  They got the point and that is what counts ...Grow up sheesh 

BadOne


I love how you say to not complain about your "advice" in your sig. I assume this happens to you a lot. Good job at being an asshole. I bet you're really proud of your "advice". Is that what makes you a dom? Being proud of little accomplishments on a forum and having a big ego from them?

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: My mother just doesnt understand... - 12/14/2009 11:44:57 AM   
weaselwelder


Posts: 72
Joined: 6/22/2009
Status: offline 		Something that hasn't been yet mentioned: Even if you and your mother don't reconcile, do not allow that to keep you away from the rest of your family. I'd suggest that you not say anything other than your mother and you had a "disagreement" though, unless your mother starts sharing details first. Even then, I'd only talk about the lifestyle if they bring it up, and I'd be discrete. My experience is that family rarely wants to know about your sex life.

(in reply to Kyoki)
Profile   Post #: 79
RE: My mother just doesnt understand... - 12/14/2009 11:59:35 AM   
wisdomtogive


Posts: 636
Joined: 11/13/2009
Status: offline 		Hi JJohns
I am sorry you are going through this. I do hope your mother comes to embrace you, but people are strange. When I got married, my parents refused to come or have anything to do with us. They were Jewish and I married out of the Jewish religion as well as someone 15 years my senior. When I was pregnant they finally came around at the end of my pregnancy and were involved with my daughter.

Dad and I never made amends, but I am grateful for him being a wonderful grandfather to my daughter. Yes he made digs about me throughout the remainder of his life, but that was him. In the past year, my mother and I finally became close. A long time to get close, I was 57 then, but we did it. I couldn't change my parents, and yes it left a hole in me, but I was able to not do what they did to me to my daughter. I was grateful for the lessons of not what to do:).

I wish you luck and just keep approving of yourself.

< Message edited by wisdomtogive -- 12/14/2009 12:00:58 PM >

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(in reply to JJohnsJR24)
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