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emotions - 12/13/2009 10:03:01 PM

chellekitty

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I was reading this thread and it brought up some feelings for me...not because of the original topic but because of one of the replies about emotions...so I was wondering what ya'll thought about a couple of statements that I have problems with....

1) You make me feel [this way].
and
2) All emotions are valid.

I have strong feelings about these statements but I am trying to be openminded here, so I will wait a while before I post those feelings...

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RE: emotions - 12/13/2009 10:15:45 PM

breatheasone

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Hi Chellekitty, in my opinion.....no one can MAKE me feel any way.....i allow myself to feel this way, or that way about any given stimuli....

And i believe all feelings are valid(to the person feeling them).....not necessarily appropriate(to the situation).
Edited for clarity:

< Message edited by breatheasone -- 12/13/2009 10:18:45 PM >

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RE: emotions - 12/13/2009 10:16:17 PM

Elipsis

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I didn't read that thread, but I'm going to take a shot at those as generalizations.

1.) Pretty much a statement of fact. If someone makes you feel something, that would be the statement to express it. It might be something entirely unreasonable and ridiculous that they are feeling, but it would be nonetheless true.

2.) All emotions are valid. How do you define an emotion as "invalid"? In one sense it is valid if the person is feeling that emotion, than it is what it is. That said, a trigger for an emotion might be very illogical, petty, or childish. Does this make the emotion invalid? It's hard to say, but the behavior might be.

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RE: emotions - 12/13/2009 11:42:50 PM

dreamerdreaming

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No one can make you feel a way that you don't want to feel. You are the controller of your own thoughts, feelings, actions, and life.

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RE: emotions - 12/14/2009 2:01:41 AM

cpK69

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~fr~

quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty
so I was wondering what ya'll thought about a couple of statements that I have problems with....

1) You make me feel [this way].

I believe emotions derive from our perception of a given situation, or its association with our perception of a past experience; therefore, it is a statement of self deceit.

quote:

2) All emotions are valid.

Yes, but not all perception is accurate.

Kim

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Post #: 5

RE: emotions - 12/14/2009 3:10:22 AM

Whiplashsmile4

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This all sort of cracks me the fuck up....

People do and can make people feel a certain way, and it happens all the time. Far more than people care to admit. Hell, even the media does this. Hell, the power of a damn movie or book can make people feel things.

If somebody hurts one of your loved ones, you are gonna feel a certain why about it.

If somebody gives you a extremely thoughtful gift, you are going to feel something...

if somebody swears at you or takes a hammer to your car, you are gonna feel something...

People pretending like nobody is going to be able to piss them off or hurt them. This is crazy...

< Message edited by Whiplashsmile4 -- 12/14/2009 3:13:14 AM >

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RE: emotions - 12/14/2009 3:24:07 AM

wisdomtogive

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[quote) You make me feel [this way].Yes, people or even an event can make you feel a certain way. The point though is do we react to it? I am responsible for my own actions and how i respond to something. So, for me I can't justify using the excuse they did this too me, for my responses.

quote:

All emotions are valid.

Again it goes into reaction, response and perspective regarding any emotion. Any emotion is real, but is it valid to use it as an excuse to someone's behavior?

< Message edited by wisdomtogive -- 12/14/2009 3:25:33 AM >

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RE: emotions - 12/14/2009 3:26:01 AM

Whiplashsmile4

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I have seen posts where a submissive comes into here, and says my Master/Dom did XYZ and has been doing XYZ for some time now. Amazing the amount of emotions and even logically driven emotions that have been expressed in response.

Blah Blah Blah.. think you are in control of your emotions. Hahaah.. I'd love to be able to give you a winning lottery ticket (bet you'd feel something). Wanna see your emotion watching somebody jumping up and down on the hood of your car denting it in the parking lot. Bet that would piss you off.

There is nothing wrong with the "You make me <this> statement because of <this>"

We are in control of our reactions and how we deal with our emotions, but at times, our emotions are at the mercy of forces, events and those around us.

Oh wait, to say something such as "You make me feel angry when I catch you lieing to me", is somehow wrong? Wait a minute, how much of a matter of preception does one need for this? Oh wait, I'm the one that has choice to feel sad, when my beloved pet has been run over by a car? At times, we have no choice in emotions. However, we have to find civil ways of dealing with them. Find good ways of dealing with emotions.

You make me feel <blah blah blah>... there is nothing wrong with that line of thinking one damn bit. Even if the emotion seems petty, it's still a real emotion felt by somebody. Talking and communication and working on the issue is a good way of dealing with it. Not biting the lip and pretending it does not exist.

(in reply to chellekitty)

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RE: emotions - 12/14/2009 3:30:04 AM

sirsholly

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quote:

All emotions are valid.

all emotions are valid. Perhaps they are not understood by another, but validity should not be questioned.

What i used to say to my late husband.."I am not asking you to understand how i feel, but i am asking you to acknowledge and accept it"

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RE: emotions - 12/14/2009 3:38:18 AM

cpK69

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Whiplashsmile4

If somebody hurts one of your loved ones, you are gonna feel a certain why about it.

If somebody gives you a extremely thoughtful gift, you are going to feel something...

if somebody swears at you or takes a hammer to your car, you are gonna feel something...

People often act as catalysts; committing actions to bring about events involving others, but it is our perception of the event that brings about emotion.

edited to add; and the value we put on that wich is being effected.

Kim

< Message edited by cpK69 -- 12/14/2009 3:40:45 AM >

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Post #: 10

RE: emotions - 12/14/2009 3:48:37 AM

lally2

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emotions are always validly felt but whether they are valid in that exact moment of being felt is variable.

for instance. someone could say something totally innocuous to me that might trigger off some reaction from the past. my feelings are valid but not necessarily relevant. this person didnt intend to upset me and i cannot heap all of my past onto this one person just because they opened a can of worms from one innocent comment.

unless you live in a bubble people are going to affect you and make you feel things. some people make you feel happy some people drag you down - its being sentient and responsive to who we are with.

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RE: emotions - 12/14/2009 4:00:55 AM

Whiplashsmile4

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quote:

ORIGINAL: cpK69

quote:

ORIGINAL: Whiplashsmile4

If somebody hurts one of your loved ones, you are gonna feel a certain why about it.

If somebody gives you a extremely thoughtful gift, you are going to feel something...

if somebody swears at you or takes a hammer to your car, you are gonna feel something...

People often act as catalysts; committing actions to bring about events involving others, but it is our perception of the event that brings about emotion.

edited to add; and the value we put on that wich is being effected.

Kim

Trust me, if I were to catch somebody smashing my car with a hammer, I would be pissed and there would be no self deciet involved. As your earlier posting touched upon this aspect of your views. Also, if somebody intentionally hurt somebody I Loved and care about, I would be pissed, again no element of self deciet involved. Now, if I were to pretend otherwise, it would be in a state of self deciet or denial.

I do not embrace this lines of thinking, because there are too many people that take ZERO Emotional responsbility for actions and choices. What's funny is that there are people that try to not take responsibility ever day on all the Small Claim Court TV shows. LOL... Kind of funny to watch them loose in the end.

There are way too many people that don't think about the cause and effects of their own actions and take even less thought towards any responsbility for emotions.

What you are saying is absurb, it actually places the emotional resposibility with the victims of many things. It's like saying, a Rapist is not responsible for the Emotional Distress thier victims suffer. The victim is responsible for not having an accurate preception of what all happened. Are you saying this is a matter of Self Deciet on the victims end? I know I am using a rather HardCore or extreme example. Still none the less, the concept you are presenting should apply to all cases.

When somebody causes another harm.

But let's look at emotions from a postive perspective. What is somebody prepares somebody their favorite meal, adds a lot of special touches to it. Where they are intentionally doing something to cause the other person ENJOYMENT. The other person is Delighted to death over it. Clearly the response who pulled together this special meal, did it with the intention of bringing about a certain emotion or feeling in the other person.

How many people have ever INTENTIONALLY DONE something they know would make somebody else HAPPY... Wait, how MANY PEOPLE HAVE INTENTIONALLY ever DONE something to slightly piss off somebody? lol...

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RE: emotions - 12/14/2009 4:48:35 AM

allthatjaz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

No one can make you feel a way that you don't want to feel. You are the controller of your own thoughts, feelings, actions, and life.

I don't agree with this at all. Regardless of how you want to feel and how much control you believe you have, there is always someone who may be able to press buttons that can make you feel exactly the way you didn't want to feel.
If no one can make you feel a way you don't want to feel then there would be no such thing as a bullied person. There would be nobody feeling betrayed, wronged, hurt or anything else down that negative emotional path.
On a positive note...
When I got together with Steve it was for a brief encounter and it was the same for him. I was determined not to have a relationship, fall in love or be all consumed by another individual but even with all that cold determination I couldn't control my own inner emotions and neither could he.

I believe that all emotions are valid though I believe some emotions are irrational.

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RE: emotions - 12/14/2009 6:14:22 AM

cpK69

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Whiplashsmile4

Trust me, if I were to catch somebody smashing my car with a hammer, I would be pissed and there would be no self deciet involved.

Okay, but ask yourself why you would be pissed.

Would you feel the same if the car was a piece of shit you were taking to the junk yard? If whoever smashed your car then turned around and gave you another, just as good or better car, would you feel the same? What if they only led you to believe they smashed your car, while yours was at a garage being supped up?

quote:

Also, if somebody intentionally hurt somebody I Loved and care about, I would be pissed, again no element of self deciet involved.

I suspect emotions in such matters derive from the perception “what is mine, is of me”, therefore, the inability to control the situation, or protect those involved, causes the emotion.

quote:

I do not embrace this lines of thinking, because there are too many people that take ZERO Emotional responsbility for actions and choices.

Something about this statement does not seem accurate to me. Can you give me an example of being emotionally responsible for ones actions, or is this another way of saying I should be responsible for someone else’s emotions?

quote:

What you are saying is absurb, it actually places the emotional resposibility with the victims of many things.

Yes.

quote:

The victim is responsible for not having an accurate preception of what all happened.

Well, I don’t believe people are born knowing how emotions work, and since ‘society’ seems to thrive off the ‘victim’, I am doubtful it behooves those who benefit most to inform others. Knowing isn’t quite half the battle, but without knowing, there is no battle.

quote:

But let's look at emotions from a postive perspective. What is somebody prepares somebody their favorite meal, adds a lot of special touches to it. Where they are intentionally doing something to cause the other person ENJOYMENT.

What if the meal is prepared by a Dom, for their sub, and they tell their sub it is served as a punishment; see how that changes things?

quote:

How many people have ever INTENTIONALLY DONE something they know would make somebody else HAPPY... Wait, how MANY PEOPLE HAVE INTENTIONALLY ever DONE something to slightly piss off somebody?

The point is, it’s the ‘something’ that makes the other person happy or pissed off, and is dependent on how the something is perceived; yes?

Kim

_____________________________

Humility is where weakness and strength meet and humanity begins.

one voice

(in reply to Whiplashsmile4)

Post #: 14

RE: emotions - 12/14/2009 6:49:27 AM

aldompdx

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Feelings arise in the only place they are experienced, your very own heart. They are neither given nor taken, but may be inspired. Nobody actually "injects" a feeling into your heart and "makes" you feel it. Your response is the product of your conscious and subconscious makeup.

Validity in this context is by an external adjudicator. The pertinent question is whether you really and actually experience your own feelings.

Both enumerated comments reflect a lack of personal responsibility through blaming others for one's own experience of life.

(in reply to chellekitty)

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RE: emotions - 12/14/2009 6:56:39 AM

breatheasone

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ANY mental health care professional will tell you that YOU decide how you will react to, and You decide how you will feel about something....Whether you "feel" like you have CONTROL over your feeling? Ok, thats another matter....BUT, to make SOMEONE else responsible for your feelings is just bogus.

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RE: emotions - 12/14/2009 7:32:05 AM

Whiplashsmile4

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quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

ANY mental health care professional will tell you that YOU decide how you will react to, and You decide how you will feel about something....Whether you "feel" like you have CONTROL over your feeling? Ok, thats another matter....BUT, to make SOMEONE else responsible for your feelings is just bogus.

That's kind of like saying, Oh I'm sorry honey, I'm not responsible at all for hurting your feelings by sleeping with your best friend.

Now, stuff like I smashed out the windows of your car because I think you're cheating on me that's complete bullshit. Which is what I believe your point is about.

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RE: emotions - 12/14/2009 7:36:59 AM

breatheasone

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Whiplashsmile4
That's kind of like saying, Oh I'm sorry honey, I'm not responsible at all for hurting your feelings by sleeping with your best friend.

i never once said people aren't responsible for their own bad behavior, not sure where you saw that in my post? Where did i say that?

< Message edited by breatheasone -- 12/14/2009 7:38:47 AM >

_____________________________

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RE: emotions - 12/14/2009 7:57:11 AM

Mercnbeth

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quote:

1) You make me feel [this way].
and
2) All emotions are valid.

All emotions are valid; however, that doesn't make them accurate representations of the status of the emotional relationship involved.

"You make me feel..."; is more likely to be the result of misinterpreting the 'maker', his/her real intentions. The obvious solution, and least used, is to say; "Do you know you 'make me' feel this way?"

Hell people meeting and being from different backgrounds and growing up in different parts of the country, I would think that's common. Fearing the answer, and having your emotions confirmed generates a paranoia that doesn't let you ask the question. Not wanting to get into a discussion that may lead to getting an answer of 'intent' inhibits communication further. Like clogged arteries it has a cumulative effect eventually killing the relationship. The "you make me feel..." gets legitimized and becomes a worst case scenario belief. Most of the time the partner isn't even aware he/she was 'making' anything.

You know, its rare for a person not to vocalize and talk when the "you make me feel..." ends up with the words; happy, sexy, fantastic, wonderful, young, fulfilled; or anything positive. That lets our partner know the 'good buttons' to push. It's only when it's negative that it must be internalized or a third party consultation is required. Why?

Wouldn't you like to know if the result was intended? Wouldn't it be great to know it wasn't? Better yet, wouldn't your partner like to know? It could be a cultural thing - misunderstanding; "I was only joking!" (really!) Or it could be something that, like those 'good buttons', the partner can now avoid or handle differently once knowing.

Emotions, passionate emotions, are essential. Generating them should be a daily occurrence. Caused by everything from hormones to people/activities unrelated to the relationship; their validity shouldn't be questioned. The cause and affect of them is an intimacy that should be a fundamental part of a relationship. There should be no doubt of the maker's intention.

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 12/14/2009 7:58:17 AM >

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RE: emotions - 12/14/2009 8:04:10 AM

breatheasone

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~~FR~~
i was taught, and agree that one of the best ways to communicate how YOU are feeling is to say...... "When you do, or say "X", i feel ___"

NOT....... "you make me feel "X" when you do or say ____"

a subtle but BIG difference!

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