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Do ME - 12/26/2009 2:17:43 PM

wisdomtogive

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One thing i learned early in my few years into BDSM was about the 'do me sub'. The one who is mainly into her own pleasures. From what i have read and listen to people talking, this type of sub is not usually sought for a long term Ds or Ms relationship. The reason mostly is they do not think of the 'we' in relationships but just me, me, me.

The past couple days, while being in a reflective mode, certain profiles, posting and remarks in chatrooms stood out to me. Upon reading them, i heard myself state, 'oh 'they' are a do-me Dom'. With those words slipping out of my mouth, i began to wonder if there is such a thing as a do-me-Dom? The Dom who cloaks under his/her title and has the right to do as he / she pleases because it is all about them'.-do-me-Dom'. They as a rule make remarks that show very little empathy for any s-type that is/ would be in their life. . Life circles all around them instead of the D/s or M/s known as the.'we'. Is this type of persona accepted and even expected with a Dom?, If so, are s-types happy with a do-me Dom? I wonder if some people would view the do-me -Dom in the same way as a do-me -s/type? Do dominants ever see another dom and think they are a 'do-me-dom', and how does that sit with you?

Please keep in mind i am not addressing anyone in particular as being a do-me-dom. It is something, i just thought of the other day, as i been meditating on some things Sir brought to my attention regarding the last Sir. This is meant in not way to slam anyone, just to hear both s-types and Doms opinions about how they view this concept.

Thank you ahead of time for reading my post.
Blessings
wisdomtogive

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RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 2:27:55 PM

Andalusite

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*shrugs* I don't see any problem with a Dominant wanting certain things from their submissive "just because they can." It's only when they get pushy toward people they aren't involved with that I feel it's objectionable. If they aren't concerned about their submissive, don't care about them, and are clueless about their emotions, I personally wouldn't feel they were someone I would want to get involved with, and suspect their partner will leave fairly quickly. Most of the Dom/mes I know who say "it's all about me" obviously mean it tongue in cheek, with a wink and a grin.

(in reply to wisdomtogive)

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RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 2:32:14 PM

kc692

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Dominants are pushy??!?!?!!?!?!!?

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Anyone can overpower; not many can INSPIRE.....

This is only MY opinion. If it's not yours, let's agree in advance to agree to disagree, OR, you can just get the fuck over what I had to say:)

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Post #: 3

RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 2:35:27 PM

Andalusite

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They don't have a right to be pushy toward other people's submissives or slaves, or toward people they aren't involved with. Being dominant isn't an excuse for having poor manners and being a jerk. They can be pushy/bossy all they like toward their own submissives/slaves/bottoms/whatever.

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RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 2:37:29 PM

breatheasone

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~~FR~~

Theres a jar for every lid. There are demanding D-types, and there are s-types that thrive on that. To me this is what the dynamic is about, he IS the D-type, he calls the shots. So i guess the trick is, finding someone whose shots you like.

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RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 2:38:34 PM

Jeffff

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I have to admit... I enjoy "doing".

And if I push her down first? I am going to enjoy that too!

Jeffwey

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RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 2:40:20 PM

kc692

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

They don't have a right to be pushy toward other people's submissives or slaves, or toward people they aren't involved with. Being dominant isn't an excuse for having poor manners and being a jerk. They can be pushy/bossy all they like toward their own submissives/slaves/bottoms/whatever.

Main Entry: 1joke Pronunciation: \ˈjōk\Function: noun Etymology: Latin jocus; perhaps akin to Old High German gehan to say, Sanskrit yācati he asksDate: 16701 a : something said or done to provoke laughter; especially : a brief oral narrative with a climactic humorous twist b (1) : the humorous or ridiculous element in something (2) : an instance of jesting : kidding <can't take a joke> c : practical joke d : laughingstock2 : something not to be taken seriously : a trifling matter <consider his skiing a joke — Harold Callender> —often used in negative constructions <it is no joke to be lost in the desert>

Main Entry: 2jokeFunction: verb Inflected Form(s): joked; jok·ingDate: 1670intransitive verb : to make jokes : jesttransitive verb : to make the object of a joke : kid
— jok·ing·ly \ˈjō-kiŋ-lē\ adverb

_____________________________

Anyone can overpower; not many can INSPIRE.....

This is only MY opinion. If it's not yours, let's agree in advance to agree to disagree, OR, you can just get the fuck over what I had to say:)

(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 7

RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 2:45:49 PM

wisdomtogive

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It isn't about our Dom being in control. What i am talking about is the ones who are totally all about them,selves and will do as they please under the umbrella of dom-hood. i have the right to do as i please even if it was not part of what our agreement was type for instance. The ones who have no emotional tie to their s-types, and say it just the way it is.

Especially for those new in this, and don't understand the 'player' mentality of a Dom. The 'do me' player who is not at all emotionally invested in his s-type or others he meets. This is what i was attempting to address here.

Thaks everyone for responding.

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RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 2:58:00 PM

Jeffff

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That's because this can be a great way to get laid.

You have the men who think," WOW if I say I am domimant she HAS to fuck me!"

You also have women who think, "WOW if I say I am submissive he will shower me with attention THEN fuck me!"

That would seem to me to be the point of actualy getting to know someone first. But I could be wrong.

Jeff

Edited because I hit the fucking button to fast

< Message edited by Jeffff -- 12/26/2009 2:59:57 PM >

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RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 3:06:44 PM

wisdomtogive

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Thank Jefff
The sad part though in talking to other s-types, especially those new in chat rooms etc. they really believe what their Dom is saying to them. They believe that a dom is not to be emotional about them. Yes, i am sure it has a lot to do with play, but down the road the s-type realizes the dom has nothing emotionally invested in them as a couple. This is when those i have talked to get confused. You have a new sub or one with little experience meeting up with a 'do me' player who is training them in absolutes. it is sad to see this.

Perhaps this has been address but i find it necessary for new subs to understand they could have run into a player who is all about themselves and not at all about the emotions invested by the sub. If mentioned they make it sound like the s-type has a problem.

< Message edited by wisdomtogive -- 12/26/2009 3:08:24 PM >

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RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 3:15:16 PM

Jeffff

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I understand your motivation. I don't think you can save the whole world.

There was a time you could blame Castle Realm for that kinda stuff. People really have to take responsibilities for
their own decisions.

That includes new submissives. If they can be coaxed past their common sense, I am not sure they can be helped anyway.

This goes to the notion of a community. Thats a dangerous thing in my opinion. We are not all special. We are not all better than the vanilla people.

We are just kinky. If a person is so, lets say silly instead of stupid, to believe everything a stranger tells them, they are doomed no matter what you try to tell them.

Jeff

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"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

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RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 3:17:22 PM

Jeffff

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As a side note, I would like to apologize for all my , somewhat serious posts. I am a little rusty.

Jeff

Edited cuz I STILL can't fucking type!

< Message edited by Jeffff -- 12/26/2009 3:18:57 PM >

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"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

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Post #: 12

RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 3:20:42 PM

CarrieO

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Joined: 1/27/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

People really have to take responsibilities for
their own decisions.

This quote alone could be copy/pasted on just about every thread started here.

OP,
Yes...there will be dominants (a lightly used term in this case) who have the attitude that you mention. Unfortunately, there will always be subs who also believe these people have every right to expect everything and give nothing in return. That's why it pays to take the time to get to know a person before jumping into a velcro collar.

edited because of too many "believes"...ugh

< Message edited by CarrieO -- 12/26/2009 3:27:00 PM >

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RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 3:21:18 PM

Level

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Joined: 3/3/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: wisdomtogive

It isn't about our Dom being in control. What i am talking about is the ones who are totally all about them,selves and will do as they please under the umbrella of dom-hood. i have the right to do as i please even if it was not part of what our agreement was type for instance. The ones who have no emotional tie to their s-types, and say it just the way it is.

Especially for those new in this, and don't understand the 'player' mentality of a Dom. The 'do me' player who is not at all emotionally invested in his s-type or others he meets. This is what i was attempting to address here.

Thaks everyone for responding.

Different strokes for different folks, really. There is nothing wrong with not being emotionally attached, if that works for both sides. There is nothing wrong with it being "my way or the highway".

The only thing I would say is wrong, working from your post, is if a dominant and submissive make an agreement, then one side breaks it.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

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Post #: 14

RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 3:25:38 PM

kiwisub12

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Seems to me that you (the OP) are talking about selfishness in a relationship. The "do-me" anything are selfish, in that anything they do, is for themselves, not the other.

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Post #: 15

RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 3:27:18 PM

wisdomtogive

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No need to apologize you did great. Yes, people need to hold themselves accountable for their own mistakes. I am a firm believer in that. Am allergic to victims basically.

Thank you for commenting.

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RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 3:29:44 PM

wisdomtogive

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Carrie, yes I agree too on this. I do wonder if sub frenzy plays a part of this 'velcro collar syndrome'? Just been ina reflective mode lately. Thanks for responding.

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RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 3:33:25 PM

wisdomtogive

Posts: 636
Joined: 11/13/2009
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Level
Personally, i do not see a thing wrong with a do-me submissive either, if it is only going into a play thing. But when contracts are made it is a different thing. Some people are not emotioanlly invested, and i believe they need to be up front with that. If they are, then again the s-type accepts or don't. i been one to prefer the unemotional Dom at one time. It suited my needs as well as theirs. I never consider any of them as a mistake.

Jefff is correct though i really cant save the world, but sometimes we can educate just one.

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RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 3:37:49 PM

Level

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quote:

ORIGINAL: wisdomtogive

Level
Personally, i do not see a thing wrong with a do-me submissive either, if it is only going into a play thing. But when contracts are made it is a different thing. Some people are not emotioanlly invested, and i believe they need to be up front with that. If they are, then again the s-type accepts or don't. i been one to prefer the unemotional Dom at one time. It suited my needs as well as theirs. I never consider any of them as a mistake.

Jefff is correct though i really cant save the world, but sometimes we can educate just one.

Well said. If it's a play situation, then I tend to think it's almost a lock that all sides will be approaching it from a "do me" standpoint, and that's fine.

Dammit, almost everything is fine, as long as all are up front.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to wisdomtogive)

Post #: 19

RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 3:39:06 PM

CarrieO

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wisdomtogive...

you're not the only one in a reflective mood lately, trust me. I've come across my share of these "doms" and I see it all as lessons learned. I had no real guidance when I started exploring, except for a Dom friend...yes Dom with a capital D because he is...who took me under his wing, so to speak, once he saw I was jumping in the deep end right from the start. It really is a live and learn sort of thing, I think.
It does bother me to read some of the posts of the new subs who seem so willing to give, give, give and expect nothing in return because they were told it wasn't submissive. If two people agree on a dynamic that includes this type of behavior then fine...agreed and understood. But, to think you shouldn't except love/emotional attachment/empathy from a partner because it's "un-subbie" is just a bit sad, imo.

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"No matter what happens in the kitchen, never apologize"~Julia Child~

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Post #: 20

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