Lame posts: "No, I'm not into that. Sorry" Why bother? (Full Version)

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AAkasha -> Lame posts: "No, I'm not into that. Sorry" Why bother? (1/20/2010 11:08:50 AM)


Wow.  What a waste of time and space for femdoms to chime in on threads about fetish a, b or c and say "Nope.  Not into that.  And I can't even imagine getting into that either!"  -- What's the point?  Why waste your time, his time, and the readers' time, just to raise your hand and basically tell the OP "I have nothing to add to you, in fact, I don't even like what you are talking about, so nyah."   Then, the boatload of posts that follow, snapping, "Well why even bother responding if it is only to say YOU AREN'T INTO IT!"

In my opinion, it's not a waste of time or space, or an insult or slam against an OP, if one, two, five or ten femdoms respond to say, "No, that doesn't do it for me."  Why? Because it gives men - who may be falsely led by fantasy - a real idea of what the tolerance/passion level is by his target audience.  How else is he going to know if his fetish is one that is going to be realistically embraced by women he's trying to attract?

The women/femdoms who read and respond on this message board are a very good representation of the lifestyle femdom pool at large.  If a sub posts his ideas/hope for a very me-first kind of fantasy, he's going to get a big bash of "Not into that, sorry" - and that's GOOD.  He needs to know that his fantasies are just that - fantasies. If he takes that same post and goes "Anyone into doing x, y z to me?" and offers it at maxfisch.com where the pro femdoms read and respond, he will get a more fair response from women who are more skilled/into helping him realize his fantasies.

If we can't rely on message boards like this one to bring the balance between fantasy and reality in line, then submissives will just continue to believe that female domination is just like it is in porn.  And it isn't.  So ladies, keep telling the OP "No, just not into that." -- but maybe, let's try to do a little more, "No, OP, not into that - but, here's what I *am* into, which sounds closer to what you want, but in a more real world kind of way."

Akasha



LadyPact -> RE: Lame posts: "No, I'm not into that. Sorry" Why bother? (1/20/2010 11:24:59 AM)

I firmly agree.  Especially in the cases where the person bringing forth a kink, uses terms such as 'how many'.  If you are going to get any type of a feel on the number of folks interested in that kink, as opposed to those who aren't, you have to get a well rounded variance of answers.  This gives a more accurate representation of what the likelihood is of the percentages of the number of active participants have an interest in said kink, and which kinks might be a harder match to find.

In the vast world of wiitwd, some kinks are easier to find compatible people to participate in than others.  Scat, for example, is on many people's hard limit list, whereas something like barehanded spanking is very rarely a hard limit for anyone.  If you have two individuals and they each have one of those activities as something they 'live for', one is obviously going to have an easier time finding people willing to engage in that activity than the other.  This is one of the realities of BDSM.

While I am glad to welcome participants on this board from all genders, roles, and orientations with their questions, I'm also glad not to sit on the sidelines when the wankers come around, wishing all of us to indulge them in their kink.



MsDDom -> RE: Lame posts: "No, I'm not into that. Sorry" Why bother? (1/20/2010 11:26:30 AM)

quote:

How else is he going to know if his fetish is one that is going to be realistically embraced by women he's trying to attract?


...this is very true! IMO, some males don't realize that they "may" have to see a prodomme to facilitate their heavy fetish or fantasy. But, I also believe that w/in a D/s or M/s dynamic, a male "may" have the opportunity to realize one of his fantasies IF his Domme/Mistress/Owner shares the same desire.

I also believe that males are simply ignorant to the concept of a lifestyle FemDom...so forums and/or interaction with such Dommes do assist him...even if he feels We are a "tough crowd"...



Lockit -> RE: Lame posts: "No, I'm not into that. Sorry" Why bother? (1/20/2010 11:38:54 AM)

I cannot agree more with pretty much all that has been said here or my take on what has been said. Many will look at our saying... no thanks and not consider that, that no thanks can actually help them. Rather than be offended because we say we are not into it... mostly because they will ask how many are into it and expect to find all these positive re-enforcements to their kink... they could see how their kink plays out in the real world and with dominant's of different... say... flavor's. lol

Is our no... not into that an insult to the person or the kink? I think sometimes it can be seen that way with how we word things or can be seen from a sensitive place. There may be better ways we can say something sometimes and a better way of hearing us. We can't really change that. Yet, there are times when something is worded so poorly, so self focused that the snark comes in. Is it wrong to do the snark? Oh it may be harsh... but you know... I think even the snark can be used to teach some lessons or take a different road the next time.

If we don't call people on presenting themselves or their questions/kink/whatever in a way that would be socially acceptable, understood by many on a public board or somehow just not covering their ass from sounding selfish, kink focused and such... I believe they need to learn a lesson. Is it mine to teach and do I feel I am one who should be teaching it... no, not always... but they did put it in a public format and it is what it is.

I get my lessons from time to time as well! It is what it is.



KITTYLECTRO -> RE: Lame posts: "No, I'm not into that. Sorry" Why bother? (1/20/2010 12:24:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

How interesting.

Just the other day I was told doing exactly this is essentially 'taking a pee' in an OP's thread, and to do so is 'bitter', 'not very smart', and 'not very classy'.



Lockit -> RE: Lame posts: "No, I'm not into that. Sorry" Why bother? (1/20/2010 12:32:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KITTYLECTRO

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

How interesting.

Just the other day I was told doing exactly this is essentially 'taking a pee' in an OP's thread, and to do so is 'bitter', 'not very smart', and 'not very classy'.



What's more interesting is your posting style and how you are so sensitive that you take insult to many things not intended or actually insulting and how aggressive you have become with a number of poster's because even when we try to work it out... you would rather insult or slam dunk because you feel you have been and then your little post of discontent and insults.

You can either make a difference if you feel we are ignorantly doing something or you can attack. It is up to you really, because we have tried and you refuse to work on anything, seemingly keeping your victimization from us going strong.



Lucienne -> RE: Lame posts: "No, I'm not into that. Sorry" Why bother? (1/20/2010 1:18:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit
What's more interesting is your posting style and how you are so sensitive that you take insult to many things not intended or actually insulting and how aggressive you have become with a number of poster's because even when we try to work it out... you would rather insult or slam dunk because you feel you have been and then your little post of discontent and insults.


If I may intrude and contribute to the thread-jack, it is pretty weird. And tedious. And self-absorbed. Like, OMG, I forgot for a second that everything is all about KITTY.

Back on point, I agree with the OP and that when people ask "how many?" questions they pretty much invite expressions of disinterest. I think if a poster managed to politely express their question in terms of only wanting to hear from people just like them, most people not like them would probably not feel the need to contribute even though the forum rules would not prohibit their participation.



SylvereApLeanan -> RE: Lame posts: "No, I'm not into that. Sorry" Why bother? (1/20/2010 1:46:24 PM)

~FR~
 
As usual, Akasha's assessment is spot on.  I'd also point out that the people who post a "how many mistresses are into [fill in the blank]" threads are not the only ones reading.  As a long-time member and facilitator of message forums, I'm aware the ratio of active posters to lurking readers is roughly 1:5 - 1:20, depending on the forum.  It's a safe bet that plenty of the guys lurking who have whatever fetish happens to be in question have wondered the same thing and have never posted.  So, it's not just the OP who gets the benefit of the answers we dominant women give -- the lurkers benefit also. 
 
Of course, what none of them seem to grasp is that the vast majority of them are going to have to pay a pro to get their fetishes fed.  There are just more guys wanking to fetish porn than there are women willing to play Dominatrix Barbie for them.  These guys aren't really asking how many dominant women enjoy their fetishes, they're asking how many of us want to squeeze into the dominatrix-shaped niche they've built for themselves.  Then, when they're met with a chorus of "nope, not me's", they begin to realize they're not going to get free kinky pussy and *gasp! oh the horror* they're probably going to have to cough up some cold hard cash to buy the services of a professional.  If these guys went straight to paying a pro, got their rocks off, and then came back to a forum like this once they had a clear head and were ready for an authentic interpersonal relationship, everyone would be a lot happier. 



cloudboy -> RE: Lame posts: "No, I'm not into that. Sorry" Why bother? (1/20/2010 3:14:58 PM)

The answer lies between the lines of emotional egotism v. personal preferences.

All too often the femdoms couch their responses to an OP as if something is wrong with them and their kink (emotional egotism) as opposed to "I'm just not into that for these reasons."

Let's use the example of the recurring "fat threads" on CM. If I'm not attracted to overweight people, maybe I should just keep it to myself as opposed to jumping into a thread with a myriad of reasons of why obesity turns me off.

If I jump into such a thread with my "honest" opinions (prejudices), (1) I'm probably going to be insensitive and (2) I might cross the line to imply that something is wrong with overweight people and that they are responsible for their own troubles. My dislike, in other words, becomes them as intrinsically "undesirable."

Guess what, Aakasha, people who don't fit the mold of what others want usually don't need to be told about it, much less to get an earful from those who are biased and negative to start with. Nothing you or I say is going to be a revelation for them. They've experienced rejection, they've been told why they are rejected, and they can connect the dots of why others are not lining up to ask them out. To pile onto the situation for such folks is simply being an insensitive asshole.

So, to me, the twin sister of the forced masculinity thread would be: "The physically fit thread, why I love thin, muscular, beautiful people the best." Contained in the thread we could then discuss a series of "virtues" that "the undesirables" don't have. Physically fit people are "strong," "active," "disciplined," "look better in bondage," "exude more self confidence," etc.

Let me tell, none of it would be neutral -- and all of it would be mean spirited. (A backdoor polemical attack.)

Such behavior to me is sickening, especially when the perpetrators don't even have the introspection to know what they are doing. This is why I get so upset by it. Furthermore, its never fun to read the empowered dissing the un-empowered -- or those with the advantages lecturing those with the disadvantages. This amounts more to braggadocio and condescension than helpful, insightful advice.



VaguelyCurious -> RE: Lame posts: "No, I'm not into that. Sorry" Why bother? (1/20/2010 3:32:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy
So, to me, the twin sister of the forced masculinity thread would be: "The physically fit thread, why I love thin, muscular, beautiful people the best."


I replied to you on the forced masculinization thread and I'll reply to you again now. That thread was NOT an anti-feminisation thread. Nobody was slagging off those who want to be feminised. The discussion was just about taking subs in the other direction-there was input from both subs and Dom/mes interested in the topic.

I think JBGolden said something like 'if that's what you want then rock on with your bad selves'. He was talking about male submissives, but that's prettymuch how I feel about subs who want to be feminised. That doesn't mean that I don't ever want to discuss doing anything else.

quote:


Furthermore, its never fun to read the empowered dissing the un-empowered -- or those with the advantages lecturing those with the disadvantages. This amounts more to braggadocio and condescension than helpful, insightful advice.


I'm not sure why you were so bothered by the thread, but I felt like I gained an awful lot of helpful, insightful advice from it.
[sm=2cents.gif]



LadyPact -> RE: Lame posts: "No, I'm not into that. Sorry" Why bother? (1/20/2010 3:37:13 PM)

I think the difference is, cloudboy, that the forums are meant for opinion and discussion.  Just like in the real world, not everyone is going to have the same preference or opinion on just about anything.  I don't see why you would think that anyone with an opposing viewpoint should have to curtail their voice just so that we can figuratively pat someone on the head and only say anything if we agree with them or share their preference.  I don't see the boards as just a hip, hip, hoorah cheering section for anyone's particular view that starts a thread.  It is for the whole of the forum for anyone to express their views on the subject at hand.

Stating your opinion on a matter is not necessarily insensative.  If you would chose to start a thread of any sort, you would be entitled to voice your opinion on any subject matter (as long as it does not violate TOS) and talk about the virtue of anything until the cows came home.  That gives others the opportunity to either agree with you or say why they feel differently.  This doesn't give just one view on the subject, but all of the views.  Isn't a wider variety of answers more likely for education on any particular subject?  Personally, I see that as being much more beneficial than a fan club for any one particular preference.



OttersSwim -> RE: Lame posts: "No, I'm not into that. Sorry" Why bother? (1/20/2010 3:53:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

The answer lies between the lines of emotional egotism v. personal preferences.

All too often the femdoms couch their responses to an OP as if something is wrong with them and their kink (emotional egotism) as opposed to "I'm just not into that for these reasons."


I disagree here.  They are not reacting negatively to their kink, but to the single-threaded self-focused attitude that brings someone here to ask these questions as if the Dommes are fetish vending machines there solely for the satisfaction of someone's kink.

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy
Let's use the example of the recurring "fat threads" on CM. If I'm not attracted to overweight people, maybe I should just keep it to myself as opposed to jumping into a thread with a myriad of reasons of why obesity turns me off.

If I jump into such a thread with my "honest" opinions (prejudices), (1) I'm probably going to be insensitive and (2) I might cross the line to imply that something is wrong with overweight people and that they are responsible for their own troubles. My dislike, in other words, becomes them as intrinsically "undesirable."


If you come to an open internet forum and flash you kink and just your kink, people are not just going to "keep it to themselves" they are going to come into the thread, burn your little fantasy house to the ground, and then piss on the ashes.  It is the nature of internet forums, and to think that something other will happen is like asking the sun not to rise tomorrow.

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy
Guess what, Aakasha, people who don't fit the mold of what others want usually don't need to be told about it, much less to get an earful from those who are biased and negative to start with. Nothing you or I say is going to be a revelation for them. They've experienced rejection, they've been told why they are rejected, and they can connect the dots of why others are not lining up to ask them out. To pile onto the situation for such folks is simply being an insensitive asshole.


Then they should not be here seeking external approval in such an insensitive manner as to approach a Dominant Lady as if she were a used car that has the "feature" that they are looking for.

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy
Such behavior to me is sickening, especially when the perpetrators don't even have the introspection to know what they are doing. This is why I get so upset by it. Furthermore, its never fun to read the empowered dissing the un-empowered -- or those with the advantages lecturing those with the disadvantages. This amounts more to braggadocio and condescension than helpful, insightful advice.


I disagree with this.  To my perception and view, we get a lot of clueless people who come in here looking to fulfill their kink and nothing else.  It has nothing to do with being empowered or dis-empowered - it has to do with understanding where you are and how to effectively and intelligently interact with others.  Again, the reaction they get is not always pretty, but it is pretty typical of internet forums worldwide.

I see that this upsets you, but I believe that your distress comes from a misplaced sense of justice.  I know that you feel it especially with the subjects of crossdressing and gender kinks.  I also want people with gender-kinks to get a fair shake...but I believe that to get a fair shake, you have to offer a firm and steady hand first.    As Miss DemonKia once said, "This is not a grocery store of lust". 

If someone is going to get on here, they have to understand where they are, who they are dealing with, and also understand themselves and their kink to a level where they have already done, or show a potential to conduct some rational  introspection, and participate in intelligent discourse in a manner that shows that they are not just a one-trick-pony completely focused on their kink.

As I have said before, this is a dating site dedicated to D/s, M/s, and principles of BDSM - in nearly all of these cases, you are dealing with relationship, not wish fulfillment.  This is especially true in this forum where you are dealing with Dominant Ladies.  There will be a component of relationship in even casual or play-centered interactions.

People think to find others who are "into" their kink as a good way to break the ice.  In reality, it shows that they have not thought enough about what is really involved here - in short, they don't understand where they are, and who they are dealing with.



Andalusite -> RE: Lame posts: "No, I'm not into that. Sorry" Why bother? (1/20/2010 7:20:29 PM)

I've tried that with several different posters, about a couple of different fetishes that I wasn't interested in as presented, or that I was open to, but for different reasons/in a different headspace than they described. I've had one who pretty much went "eww, gross" to what I wanted that I saw as being similar, a couple who've thanked me for my perspective or otherwise had a positive comment, but expressed that it wouldn't meet their needs, one who e-mailed me to complain about my response to another Domme in the thread, and a lot who pretty much said either in the thread or via e-mail that "no, I need x with y headspace from the Domme." The ones who are that set in their ways don't seem to be open to even minor variations on the scenario they want, there's just no room at all for a Domme or top to have any control whatsoever. They just want her to follow their script.*sigh*

It bothered me a little back when I was looking, now that it's just hypothetical, I don't really care much if they're willing to consider other possibilities. I just think they're shooting themselves in the foot a bit.



LadyAngelika -> RE: Lame posts: "No, I'm not into that. Sorry" Why bother? (1/20/2010 7:59:51 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

If we can't rely on message boards like this one to bring the balance between fantasy and reality in line, then submissives will just continue to believe that female domination is just like it is in porn. And it isn't. So ladies, keep telling the OP "No, just not into that." -- but maybe, let's try to do a little more, "No, OP, not into that - but, here's what I *am* into, which sounds closer to what you want, but in a more real world kind of way."


As usual, right on the money!

And I can see by the responses by the Dominas who've chimed in to date, and some of the submissives who get it, that this seems to so far be the concenssus.

Brava, woman ;-)

- LA



chamberqueen -> RE: Lame posts: "No, I'm not into that. Sorry" Why bother? (1/21/2010 4:42:43 AM)

I took a number of months off of looking at the boards because I was working so hard to train someone in real time and simply didn't have the time to be keeping up with the boards any more.  While I used to follow them daily it became less than a dozen times in about half a year.  What has saddened me is that the quality of most posts seems to have gone downhill.

My hat is off to the Domme's in general because it seems that I see the majority of the wise and helpful answers coming from this group.  I posted a topic recently about something that I had read that I had never heard before, thought that I made it clear that I had no opinion one way or the other, but would simply like to hear what others thought about the concept.  I was amazed at some of the comments - some saying it had nothing to do with the lifestyle, others calling me self serving, and I kept thinking, "I am sharing something that I read about protocol and just wondered if anyone follows this, and if not what there thoughts are on it".  I got the best responses from the Dommes who explained how something is handled in their own dynamic.  I didn't mind at all if someone said that they were not into that.  I just wanted to see how others handle a similar situation to give me a more well rounded view.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Lame posts: "No, I'm not into that. Sorry" Why bother? (1/21/2010 5:33:09 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika


quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

If we can't rely on message boards like this one to bring the balance between fantasy and reality in line, then submissives will just continue to believe that female domination is just like it is in porn. And it isn't. So ladies, keep telling the OP "No, just not into that." -- but maybe, let's try to do a little more, "No, OP, not into that - but, here's what I *am* into, which sounds closer to what you want, but in a more real world kind of way."


As usual, right on the money!

And I can see by the responses by the Dominas who've chimed in to date, and some of the submissives who get it, that this seems to so far be the concenssus.

Brava, woman ;-)

- LA



This.

Someone has to point out that there is a REALITY behind all those fantasies, and it can be pretty damn satisfying. Who will do it but us, those that are living it?



allthatjaz -> RE: Lame posts: "No, I'm not into that. Sorry" Why bother? (1/21/2010 7:23:37 AM)

I sway a bit back and forth with this topic. On the one hand I don't think there is anything wrong with stating you don't like something, especially if the op asks 'how many people are into this'. On the other hand I don't get why some people have to start throwing insults or stating that its sick and revolting because what message is that getting across to every Domme that reads these posts that actually is into it? and believe it or not some of us really are [;)] Are they generally insulting the op or are they insulting all us Dommes who have a genuine interest in that particular fetish?
I also think that if a post starts off with a bunch of negatives regarding the said kink, it is less likely that the positive posters will participate.

Whenever I read a post I tend to read straight into the ops question and not into the way he worded it. I agree that some ops really do need lessons in not coming over as wanky men and sometimes its not surprising that they get negative answers. But surely we are not answering just the op? we are answering the question and every person that logs onto that topic? and perhaps we would be better saying 'I don't like the way you have worded this because it looks really pervy but I am going to answer the question you asked sensibly'

I remember a post years ago on another site. It brought up a very deep and dark fantasy of mine that up until then I had kept well hidden. I remember reading that post and then celebrating the fact that I wasn't alone after all. If on the other hand the post had gone down hill with snidey remarks and put downs, I would of been left feeling like I was one very sick pup!

I also feel that sub males often pull the short straw when it comes to how their topic is answered. Dominants and fem subs tend to get more polite answers even if it is to say 'Im really not into that'.



SolangeRichards -> RE: Lame posts: "No, I'm not into that. Sorry" Why bother? (1/21/2010 7:53:08 AM)

It really all just comes down to civility.......



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Lame posts: "No, I'm not into that. Sorry" Why bother? (1/21/2010 8:40:33 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SolangeRichards

It really all just comes down to civility.......



Very true, as well. I read CQ's thread over on the General area, and I was amazed at how snotty some of the responses were. It is totally possible to say that you are not into something, or that something is just a boggler to you, without being wildly offensive.



KITTYLECTRO -> RE: Lame posts: "No, I'm not into that. Sorry" Why bother? (1/21/2010 1:27:50 PM)

 
quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

Are they generally insulting the op or are they insulting all us Dommes who have a genuine interest in that particular fetish?

Yes.



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