crazyml
Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
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ORIGINAL: ItsAProcess
Sometimes, I don't really understand what is going through the head of so many 'Doms'. There seems to be this pervasive and evergrowing attitude that to be dominant means taking advantage of a submissive as much as you can and then tossing her by the wayside once she catches on to your shenanigans.
Frankly, I'm tired of it.
Well that's them told, phew! I was hoping someone would stand up and give those fuckers a good old telling off!
I'm sorry that you feel this way - I don't think it's either pervasive or ever-growing, since the dawn of time there have been users/abusers who prey on the vulnerable - and yes, sites like Collarme do attract a disproportionate number of them but I don't think you can make statements like these without seeming a little foolish.
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So, much to the annoyance of many, no doubt, you all get to be witness to my personal little rant on what I like to consider the three Pillars of Dominance.
When ever I read a line like this I think "fuck - I'm about to be annoyed"
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Honor.
Honor. A word from ages past. A concept and ideal that has spanned thousands upon thousands of years. You can find words meaning and carrying the same inflection in nearly every language upon this planet. I dare you to find me a society in the history of humanity where Honor of some sort or another was not vitally important.
This simply isn't true at all. "Honour" in the context of the judao-christian tradition is profoundly different to that found in the middle-eastern and far-eastern traditions. Yes there are similarities but no, you're just plain wrong on this one.
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I'll save you the time, you really won't be able to do that. Why? Because it is one of the founding principles of society.
Some people might interpret this as arrogance, when combined with the erroroneous assumption that honour is one of the founding principles of society.No, honour isn't one of the founding principles of society - co-operation is.
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The word itself can mean many things. Honesty, Reliability, Following specific protocols of interaction. Generally? I like to think of having Honor as being someone of integrity, someone with the courage to stand up and demand more of him or herself than is easy or popular. It means taking responsibility for your mistakes, it means admitting your faults, it means keeping your word. Honor means putting what is Right before what is Convienent. Honor means holding to a strict code of personal ethics. A code that does not allow much leeway in the way of actions.
Admitting that the word can mean many things does deflate your thesis a bit.
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Think back with me for a moment, and consider the sorts of people in human history to whom honor is most commonly ascribed as critically important. What sort of person comes to mind first when you think of the word Honor? For me it just happens to be a Knight. A man of strength, a man respected, a man who is honored and given reknown for his deeds and his dedication to a calling higher than himself. Greater than his desires and larger than his purse, his loins, or his comfort. Oft times given great power, because a Knight was supposed to be Honorable that power was given in the trust that he would use that power, that authority for what is good, not for personal gain.
I confess that, as a student of history my knee jerk reaction was "Do you have any frikken idea what "knights" used to actually do???" The "Knights" you talk of were rapists and robbers by and large. The romanticised definition you have of the knight and chivalry is an 18th Century invention by opium soaked romantic poets.
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A real Dominant should strive to be similar. Be Honorable, or find a different lifestyle.
I would advise against don't go telling people to find a different lifestyle if they don't meet your over romanticised definition of honour, there is a danger you might be seen as a pompous ass (which I'm sure you're not).
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Responsibility.
Ah yes. Responsibility. The word so commonly ground into our childlike minds as we grow and learn. The word upon which much of our society is now, supposedly, based. Be responsible and do your homework. Be responsible and support your family. Be responsible and finish your chores. Be responsible and maintain the car. But responsibility is more than this. Responsibility is more than fulfilling a grouping of actions and tasks which most, or many folks consider to be vitally important.
Responsibility means doing what needs to be done, not because it brings rewards, not because it offers comfort, not because it gains you respect. Responsibility means doing what needs to be done because to do otherwise is to bring harm upon yourself and others. Because to do otherwise is to be a less-than-productive member of society. Because to do otherwise is to be a drain upon those who are close to you.
Responsibility means owning up to your faults. It means admitting when you are less than perfect, it means accepting your mistakes. It also means stiriving to repair what damage you have done through inappropriate actions, thoughts, words or attitudes. Responsibility means doing your best to be valuabe and reliable.
To be fair, not a bad take on responsibility I spose.
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Be responsible, or be something besides a Dominant.
Again, when I read things like this, I have to say my immediate response is to shout "Who the fuck made you chief dom definer"
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Dignity.
Oh boy, here is the one where most folks are going to call me a crackpot. But perhaps I'm just old fashioned. Dignity means comporting yourself in a fashion that is neither embarressing nor inappropriate to the situation at hand. It means having pride in your accomplishments and yourself. Dignity means having respect for yourself. Having respect for yourself, of course, has various meanings as well. Lets address some of them, shall we?
Firstly. Don't be a braggart. Sure, we all find them amusing from time to time. And yes, a good, healthy bit of confidense is an attractive feature to most folks. But when you tend to go on and on about how incredibly awesome you are, how you never fail, make mistakes, or are just generally better than the rest of us poor, less-blessed human animals? People get very, very tired of being anywhere near you. Even the people who call you friend are most likely rolling their eyes when your back is turned. Being a braggart causes others to lose respect for you. I dare you to find a submissive who will gladly and happily submit to someone they don't respect.
That wasn't very easy, was it? I didn't think so.
Secondly? Take care of yourself. That means, yes, bathing regularly. Dressing appropriately when venturing out of your personal abode, and attempting to take care of your health. I ask you, how are you going to Dom your submissive if you're too busy being locked on the couch because you're out of energy due to being overweight/sick/fucking lazy (hint, the last is the worst.) Secondly, and this might be offensive. but for god's sake. Try to get some physical activity in. It's not very fun for the submissive if she's feeling squished when you're ontop of her, now is it? I really wouldn't think so.
This is a pretty hard-core definition of dignity - Mother Theresa wouldn't have passed your dignity test
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Thirdly, and lastly, but definately not least. Don't act like a child. Yes, this means being an adult. Is that really so hard to do? Don't throw temper tantrums, don't be overly judgemental, don't be greedy and selfish. Do your best not to be lazy. None of these things lend towards coming off reliably or with dignity. And dignity is definately important for a Dominant.
Now, just to make it clear, all of this doesn't mean you have to be some perfect manly man robot all the time. But do try to remember that you hold a position of respect and power. Comport yourself like you are someone worth respecting, it'll take you far.
Sigh... Where to start.
Fair play to you for speaking up with such confidence, although I'd sincerely advise you to temper it with a little more humility next time (perhaps you could add "humility " to your personal dignity tick-list.
I'd also say that none of these characteristics are any more germaine to or desirable within the context of BDSM than they are to any other - I would sincerely hope that honour, responsibility and dignity formed part of everyone's life.
I disagree strongly that any of these things are "more necesary" within the context of D/s. As a parent - I have a pretty bloody hardcore standard of responsibility to meet.
Having given you a hard time for your post, I'll close with the thought that - if these are your values and you can consistently live by them , then I salute you - they're as good a moral/life compass as you'll find - But I don't think they're necesarily tied to D/s - if you have these values, sure I'd say you're likely to be a better, more thoughtful, compassionate, empathetic Dom - You're also likely to be a more thoughtful, compassionate and empathetic human being.
Oh... for what it's worth - here's the thing I strive to match up to - If, by Rudyard Kipling - http://www.kipling.org.uk/poems_if.htm
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RE: Honor, Responsibility, Dignity. - 
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