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Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 8:51:28 AM   
MissBeautiful2U


Posts: 98
Joined: 12/5/2008
Status: offline 		Ok, so recently met a sub/slave type off of here at a public place and really enjoyed the hour we spent together.  He seemed to enjoy himself as well.  I gave him instructions to not release until I saw him again with the intentions of playing with him the next time.  We agreed to meet again next Monday.  Sounds good so far right?

Well, I realized that I violated one of my safety rules: I did not get his phone number.  Normally I do as a safety precaution, but this time I did not... and didn't realize it until after our meeting.  I had given him mine in an email and I did ask him to text me later.

So we chatted via IM yesterday and today.  When I mentioned that he did not text me nor did I have his phone number he acted really reluctant.  Said he'd been hurt before etc and said he did not want to give me his number until after we played on Monday.

That bothers me a great deal.  I do believe he is safe, but to me it is a huge red flag.  Someone who craves submission, says he wants to be a slave, and then says he isn't comfortable passing out his phone number throws up a red flag for me.  I do not talk on the phone a lot, I text more *smile* but it was the refusal to provide the number that got me.  His excuse is that he was hurt before very badly.  That he has a business which is bigger than a mom n pop type place and therefore has lots to lose.

So my question is: at what point is it reasonable for a Dominant (or anyone) to demand a phone number?  I think that it is a reasonable expectation if a relationship might develop out of the interaction and even if you are simply looking for casual play.

Would you pursue things if other aspects seemed right and if so, how long would you let things like a phone number go?  How about visiting each other's homes (he wants to visit mine)?  How long is typical before meeting friends? Or perhaps rather than how long, when would it be reasonable might be a better question.

I like him and the interests are very similar, but patience is NOT my strongest suit... I am willing to give time for trust to develop, but at the same time, don't want to be played for a fool either.

Have a good one.

< Message edited by MissBeautiful2U -- 2/10/2010 8:53:10 AM >
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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 8:57:17 AM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline 		Personally, I'd not go forward.  Not so much because you don't have his number, but because he's giving really lame excuses for having yours but not giving his.  I wouldn't mind not having his number if we hadn't exchanged them, but if he has mine I surely should have his.

And again, his excuse is pretty darn thin... he can meet in public and play, too, but he can't share his phone number?  And he wants things to be at your place (willing to visit your house, but you made no mention of him offering his)...Who else is he worried is gonna pick up the phone besides him, is the first thing that came to mind.  Sounds like he has something at home he doesn't want you (or them) to know about. 

How does he react when you offer to meet at his place, instead? 

< Message edited by RumpusParable -- 2/10/2010 8:59:18 AM >

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 9:06:42 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissBeautiful2U

That bothers me a great deal.  I do believe he is safe, but to me it is a huge red flag.  Someone who craves submission, says he wants to be a slave, and then says he isn't comfortable passing out his phone number throws up a red flag for me. 

I don't see one as having to do with the other. Just because he wants to be a slave doesn't mean he's going to jump into being one with just anyone. Until he commits to slavery to you, he isn't required to obey and therefore doesn't have to do anything he isn't comfortable with.
quote:


So my question is: at what point is it reasonable for a Dominant (or anyone) to demand a phone number?  I think that it is a reasonable expectation if a relationship might develop out of the interaction and even if you are simply looking for casual play.

I don't think that is the reasonable standard because a relationship could develop out of just about any interaction, from chatting with the barista at the coffee shop to joking around with someone on the boards. That doesn't mean one should hand out their phone number before they are comfortable.
quote:


Would you pursue things if other aspects seemed right and if so, how long would you let things like a phone number go?  How about visiting each other's homes (he wants to visit mine)?  How long is typical before meeting friends? Or perhaps rather than how long, when would it be reasonable might be a better question.

I like him and the interests are very similar, but patience is NOT my strongest suit... I am willing to give time for trust to develop, but at the same time, don't want to be played for a fool either.

Have a good one.

I'd give him a week or so, depending on how much you really like him. And, personally, my response to not trusting me with the phone number would be "I understand - I've got anxiety and trust issues too. But just so you know, I'm not comfortable playing with you until you trust me enough to give me the phone number. I don't think it's fair to me for us to start moving too much forward until we've both reached that level of trust and are on the same page."

I'd do my best to make it clear that it's not a guilt trip but simply me protecting myself as he is protecting himself.

Visiting homes and friends... it depends. I had a friend for years where I never saw the inside of his house because he hated the mess. And friends are tricky athough, for me, I'm not comfortable if I don't start meeting friends within a few months. I'm worth way more than someone who is ashamed of me.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 2/10/2010 9:07:45 AM >

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 9:12:24 AM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		When is it reasonable? Any damned time you want to ask for it. When would you get their number if this were a vanilla relationship...certainly before sleeping with them (or at least that's how it used to be, but if girls are putting out now before even exchanging phone numbers or a first date then I really need to get out more often).
If it bugs you then tell him to give your number or hit the road, its really that simple.


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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 9:12:27 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		I'd probably just bag it... you gave yours, he should give his -- my guess would be that he's attached or hiding something

quoting from above me: "tell him to give your number or hit the road, its really that simple. "

It is that simple, but I should have said in the beginning.. if I had to demand something that simple.. I wouldn't bother... I have this thing -- submit or don't... I won't fight you for it


< Message edited by Madame4a -- 2/10/2010 9:19:34 AM >

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 9:14:01 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4a

I'd probably just bag it... you gave yours, he should give his -- my guess would be that he's attached or hiding something


This.

I wouldn't demand anyone reciprocate but I also wouldn't waste time with them if they didn't. I did that once, and was a fool.


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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 9:14:15 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		Fuck him. There are a million submissives lined up to replace him that will obey the rules.

No ID confirmation = no play/no contact.

Period.

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 9:15:23 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		OK, so he was willing to let you control his orgasms and set up a play date, but not give a phone number?

Does anybody else see the problem with this?


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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 9:17:29 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Yeah, I do. What if she tries to phone it in?


Ron

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 9:17:47 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		I wouldn't meet someone without first chattin' them up a bit over the phone first.

For God's sake it's just a phone number and most likely a cell at that.   You meet and everything is groovy you play away.  Things ain't so hot you take the number immediately out of your phone.

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 9:25:10 AM   
OnlineFunForYou


Posts: 11
Joined: 9/18/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RumpusParable
How does he react when you offer to meet at his place, instead? 


Being a sub, I would never interact at my home.

Imagine the dominant ties me up, and then takes everything of worth out of my house...

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 9:30:13 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

When would you get their number if this were a vanilla relationship...certainly before sleeping with them (or at least that's how it used to be, but if girls are putting out now before even exchanging phone numbers or a first date then I really need to get out more often).



Just depends on where you look. In my wild days, I would sometimes avoid giving out my phone number to the guys I was messing around with cause I didn't want them to get attached to me.

Crazy how when the woman honestly just wants sex the stereotypes reverse...

Actually, come to think of it... I don't think Valyraen had my phone number for several days after us getting together. I can't recall when we formally exchanged numbers. I know it was after us having sex.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 9:52:15 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I would tell him that he can keep his phone number but that you will not play without it and can be friends...




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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 9:54:49 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OnlineFunForYou

quote:

ORIGINAL: RumpusParable
How does he react when you offer to meet at his place, instead? 


Being a sub, I would never interact at my home.

Imagine the dominant ties me up, and then takes everything of worth out of my house...



What you are saying is all the shit in your house has more value to you than your life...  If I could not trust someone around my valuables they ain't getting anywhere near the rest of me....


_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 10:17:21 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissBeautiful2U


So my question is: at what point is it reasonable for a Dominant (or anyone) to demand a phone number?  I think that it is a reasonable expectation if a relationship might develop out of the interaction and even if you are simply looking for casual play.

Would you pursue things if other aspects seemed right and if so, how long would you let things like a phone number go?  How about visiting each other's homes (he wants to visit mine)?  How long is typical before meeting friends? Or perhaps rather than how long, when would it be reasonable might be a better question.

I like him and the interests are very similar, but patience is NOT my strongest suit... I am willing to give time for trust to develop, but at the same time, don't want to be played for a fool either.

Have a good one.


I havent a clue. Demanding my phone number isn't likely to make me want to give it..whether you're a *dom* or not.

Whenever I've met anyone, for any reason , dom or not,  exchanging phone numbers happened before we met up......out of practicality.

If I had any reluctance to do so, I wouldn't be off meeting them in the first place.

If you've been texting, surely you already have his number? Just because you *trust* him and pass info over, doesn't mean he's going to do the same.....you can't demand that people trust you.

He might crave submission, he might want to be a slave ..... but exercising caution because of his own circumstances doesn't mean he's being shifty. It could simply mean that while YOU trust HIM , he doesn't trust YOU as yet.

agirl





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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 10:21:17 AM   
peppermint


Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		I have to agree with those who have said to wait for now.  When he trusts you and you trust him, then it's time to start some play.  After you have BOTH exchanged phone numbers and BOTH visited each others' homes is soon enough to start play.  Until then it's just in the getting to know each other phase.  There is no need to rush into a relationship.  

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 10:21:26 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

ORIGINAL: OnlineFunForYou

quote:

ORIGINAL: RumpusParable
How does he react when you offer to meet at his place, instead? 


Being a sub, I would never interact at my home.

Imagine the dominant ties me up, and then takes everything of worth out of my house...



What you are saying is all the shit in your house has more value to you than your life...  If I could not trust someone around my valuables they ain't getting anywhere near the rest of me....



lol....... That one always amazes me.

agirl

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 10:25:50 AM   
Domin8tingUrDrmz


Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

ORIGINAL: OnlineFunForYou

quote:

ORIGINAL: RumpusParable
How does he react when you offer to meet at his place, instead? 


Being a sub, I would never interact at my home.

Imagine the dominant ties me up, and then takes everything of worth out of my house...



What you are saying is all the shit in your house has more value to you than your life...  If I could not trust someone around my valuables they ain't getting anywhere near the rest of me....



Agrees wholeheartedly with Julia. If you are willing to risk letting someone 'play' with you, you should be comfortable enough to allow them in your home.

Same with phone numbers. If you are willing to get tied up by someone you should trust them enough with your phone number.

It's not like she is asking for a credit card number.

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 10:39:08 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		For the record, I've played with scores of people over the course of My life that I have never been in their home, nor they in Mine.  In fact, I'm more likely to play with someone the first time around at either a party or an event.  If we are talking about S/m, rather than a sexual encounter, this can actually be a safer way to engage with someone the first time, rather than bringing them to your home.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 10:41:24 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Sounds to me like you jumped int too quickly with giving your phone number to him pretty quickly from the sounds of it and thinking because you played one time for an hour there's now some kind of big possiblity with him for a relationship.

He does not feel the same as you. He's not so quick to jump as you.

Either continue to get to know each other in person and see how it goes or walk away and find someone else. Maybe don't be so quick this time?


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