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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 11:20:45 AM

Whiplashsmile4

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quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

If someone was THAT obnoxious as to *instruct* me on how I can avoid them inpinging on my life well before I'm ready.....I'd be history anyhow.

If I don't trust someone, I just don't. I *trust* in my own way in my own time.

agirl

Hehe... I was being sarcastic with the *instruct* part of it. Then again, kinda not.

Basically, if he does not want to give out his number right away, there's an alternative that addresses his need for privacy and security.

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 11:23:10 AM

SweetDommes

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We don't have a first meeting until after phone numbers have been exchanged - that way, if something happens and we are running late, or can't make it for some reason (as I look outside my window and see 8 inches of snow ... ) then we can let him know. And the same is true if something happens and he is running late or can't make it. It's common courtesy, to me. The only times I've given my phone number without getting his in return was when I knew the guy from somewhere else first - meeting someone from here or another site ... no number, no meeting, no negotiation.

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 11:24:19 AM

GraciousLady

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Yep, I see lots of problems here. She is going to have sex with a person she does not know. Now in a perfect world that would be great but since we do not live in a perfect world this is a bad idea. Since she does not know this person:

He may not really obey and be wacking or screwing as I type. (what ever happened to making a person prove their intentions?)
He may not be single so can't give his number.
Because he may not be single he may not be available to her as a sub and is a liar about wanting to be a sub.
Because of the above mentioned 2 things he may just be trying to get laid.
He may not be safe and might hurt her.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

OK, so he was willing to let you control his orgasms and set up a play date, but not give a phone number?

Does anybody else see the problem with this?

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 11:25:51 AM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Whiplashsmile4

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

If someone was THAT obnoxious as to *instruct* me on how I can avoid them inpinging on my life well before I'm ready.....I'd be history anyhow.

If I don't trust someone, I just don't. I *trust* in my own way in my own time.

agirl

Hehe... I was being sarcastic with the *instruct* part of it. Then again, kinda not.

Basically, if he does not want to give out his number right away, there's an alternative that addresses his need for privacy and security.

There are alternatives. And there are perfectly valid reasons for not using them.

I choose not to use them because I don't feel like keeping track of another cell phone, another bill and I'd rather spend that money elsewhere - however small the sum. I also am put off by those who choose that route as that feels more likely to be a red flag, which is part of why I elect not to use it myself.

I feel it's more honorable to say "I'm sorry, I'm not comfortable" than to go "Hey, I don't trust you so this is the phone number I give to the people who might be pyscho/I don't want my wife to know about". Now, had they been chatting for a significant length of time/had played together a lot or there were other factors, yeah I would probably agree with you.

But I just don't think it's reasonable to expect this guy to run out and buy another cell, however cheap.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 2/10/2010 11:26:53 AM >

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 11:27:54 AM

LafayetteLady

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FR-

If it weren't for the meeting personally, I would think wanting to wait to give a phone number was no big deal. While I don't disagree with everyone who is talking about the munches and public play, a lot of people aren't into the munches and public play, they are just looking for a one on one monogamous relationship. If someone insisted I meet them at a munch, they wouldn't be meeting me, because I'm not into that. Nothing wrong with those who are, but nothing wrong with those of us who aren't either.

Essentially, if all else seems to be going well at the moment, I think taking the position of saying that until he reaches a comfort level of being able to give his phone number, you will continue to simply "date" at public places and get to know each other is the best route to take. If he really does have someone at home, he isn't going to just meet for coffee, lunch or dinner dates for very long before disappearing. The married with something to hide want to get to the "play" point pretty quickly. If he is genuine, he won't mind continuing that way. After all, it is being done to increase HIS comfort level and trust in you.

As for meeting family and friends, there is a lot of variables there. In a relationship, I wouldn't think anything of not meeting family and friends for a couple of months, depending on what's going on. If you start seeing each other in September, I would think it odd to spend Thanksgiving apart if the relationship had progressed and was committed.

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 11:28:31 AM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GraciousLady

He may not be safe and might hurt her.

Just sayin'... if he's out to hurt her, wouldn't it be better for him to get the cheapie phone to reassure her so that he can get her alone?

Not saying it's not a possiblity, but it's also a very real chance that someone who is willing to give out the phone number could want to hurt her. Being willing to hand out a phone number, IMHO, is not a measure of good intentions in that specific regard.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 2/10/2010 11:29:13 AM >

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 11:31:49 AM

MissBeautiful2U

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LOL I like your quote actually "respect my feelings or don't have me in your life"

It does come down to that, both ways. Money is not an issue for him from what he has said- at least not the amount of a prepaid phone. We shall see what comes of things. I told him to go buy a prepaid so we can talk if he isn't willing to give me his actual number. After all, he is already planning on going shopping for pretty panties to wear for me.

I really do see the point of some people on here who talk about not wanting to give out a number to everyone they play with or might talk about potentially playing with etc. The difference is in the nature of the discussions we've had regarding long term goals. Our emails and online chats have consisted of discussions of a ltr, not just playtime. I think that makes his refusal to provide a number a little more suspect.

I offered him a compromise, since he says he wants a long term relationship and is just scared, I suggested that we continue meeting at public places and do things together. That way he can get to know me better in person and decide. Kinky play will wait until he can trust me enough to at least share a phone number.

The thing is I once dated a guy for a year that I met on here who turned out to have another gf the whole time who was also on here. Eventually she was suspicious because she found my profile where I'd made mention of him and contacted me. I had his phone number lol But what happened there was I never met any of his friends... distance was an issue and our time together was just that. :) so perhaps I am a little more cynical... and that's why I threw the question out to everyone... to see if my feelings were reasonable.

:) anyway, thanks for answering.

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 11:31:55 AM

Whiplashsmile4

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

There are alternatives. And there are perfectly valid reasons for not using them.

I choose not to use them because I don't feel like keeping track of another cell phone, another bill and I'd rather spend that money elsewhere - however small the sum. I also am put off by those who choose that route as that feels more likely to be a red flag, which is part of why I elect not to use it myself.

I feel it's more honorable to say "I'm sorry, I'm not comfortable" than to go "Hey, I don't trust you so this is the phone number I give to the people who might be pyscho/I don't want my wife to know about". Now, had they been chatting for a significant length of time/had played together a lot or there were other factors, yeah I would probably agree with you.

But I just don't think it's reasonable to expect this guy to run out and buy another cell, however cheap.

Please keep in mind, that I'm trying to toss out other thoughts and ideas here. Instead of reiterate the same things everybody else is. I suppose I could have simply followed the Mainstream trend with the rest of the fish.

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 11:33:21 AM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Whiplashsmile4
Please keep in mind, that I'm trying to toss out other thoughts and ideas here. Instead of reiterate the same things everybody else is. I suppose I could have simply followed the Mainstream trend with the rest of the fish.

Ok... so you are allowed to toss out your thoughts and ideas and I'm not cause they disagree with yours? I mean, you are trying to toss out new ideas and so am I. Instead of reiterating and agreeing with you, I brought up different points.

Huzzah, you tossed out a new point. Have a cookie. I made a point in regard to your point. I get a cookie. Everyone happy now?

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 2/10/2010 11:37:32 AM >

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 11:36:32 AM

AquaticSub

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I really understand where you are coming from. And being an anxious person about my phone number, I can understand where he might be coming from. Since I don't know him, I don't know.

I think how he responds to your requests will tell you a lot about how to proceed. Personally, I don't know if I would go buy another phone for the reasons I've listed. I doubt it pretty highly - not because of the money but because it just strikes me wrong. However, he should be willing to continue meeting.

BTW - have you suggested Skype? You can use it like an IM program on many phones without actually giving out your number and can use it to make calls on your phone. Don't know why it didn't occur to me before.

ETA because it may not have been clear...

I don't regard the talking about lifetime goals as meaning someone should fork out the digits faster. If anything, I do things slower in that regard because I want to be sure that they are understanding my issues. Otherwise, they don't have a place in my life as a partner.

My point in regards to phone numbers and playing was solely that being willing to play and giving out the phone number are not always connected.

At the end of day, it's about if you are willing to take a chance on him. I really hope that things work out for you.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 2/10/2010 11:53:02 AM >

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 11:37:08 AM

Domin8tingUrDrmz

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I'm glad you came to a compromise that makes you comfortable and hopefully makes him comfortable as well. If he pushes for that play date before offering up his digits, I would think twice about continuing further.

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 11:40:45 AM

SweetDommes

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As much as I like you Aqua - you made your point already, and it's quite clear that your situation is not at all what the OP was referring to. I understood from the first post that what she and the potential boy were moving towards was a long-term, not just play relationship. The people that you aren't giving your number to are, by my understanding, mostly just for play - there isn't a deeper relationship going on. While I don't think that getting a separate phone is the ultimate answer, I don't think it's a horrible suggestion either.

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 11:41:29 AM

agirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissBeautiful2U

LOL I like your quote actually "respect my feelings or don't have me in your life"

It does come down to that, both ways. Money is not an issue for him from what he has said- at least not the amount of a prepaid phone. We shall see what comes of things. I told him to go buy a prepaid so we can talk if he isn't willing to give me his actual number. After all, he is already planning on going shopping for pretty panties to wear for me.

I really do see the point of some people on here who talk about not wanting to give out a number to everyone they play with or might talk about potentially playing with etc. The difference is in the nature of the discussions we've had regarding long term goals. Our emails and online chats have consisted of discussions of a ltr, not just playtime. I think that makes his refusal to provide a number a little more suspect.

I offered him a compromise, since he says he wants a long term relationship and is just scared, I suggested that we continue meeting at public places and do things together. That way he can get to know me better in person and decide. Kinky play will wait until he can trust me enough to at least share a phone number.

The thing is I once dated a guy for a year that I met on here who turned out to have another gf the whole time who was also on here. Eventually she was suspicious because she found my profile where I'd made mention of him and contacted me. I had his phone number lol But what happened there was I never met any of his friends... distance was an issue and our time together was just that. :) so perhaps I am a little more cynical... and that's why I threw the question out to everyone... to see if my feelings were reasonable.

:) anyway, thanks for answering.

Everyone's different. I wouldn't have any interest in talking about having a relationship with someone, long term or otherwise unless I'd spent a LONG time around them in rl. It takes me ages to get to know someone, even as a friend.

agirl

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 11:42:51 AM

AquaticSub

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You are assuming that I only meet people for play relationships. I do much the same with potential poly partners. When I spoke of not giving numbers to play partners, it was in response to the "if he's willing to play, he should be handing out the number".

ETA - For that matter, please show me where I said it was a horrible idea for the guy to get a second phone. I only said that there are valid reasons for the guy not to do it.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 2/10/2010 11:44:54 AM >

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 11:47:40 AM

myotherself

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~FR~

I'm not going to get into the whole should he/shouldn't he debate about phone numbers. But what I will say to the OP is that if her 'inner voice' is telling her that something is wrong, then she should 100% trust it. Only once did I ignore my inner voice...and now I have the scars to prove it.

Trust me - it's not worth the risk.

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 11:49:51 AM

Whiplashsmile4

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: GraciousLady

He may not be safe and might hurt her.

Just sayin'... if he's out to hurt her, wouldn't it be better for him to get the cheapie phone to reassure her so that he can get her alone?

Not saying it's not a possiblity, but it's also a very real chance that someone who is willing to give out the phone number could want to hurt her. Being willing to hand out a phone number, IMHO, is not a measure of good intentions in that specific regard.

Everybody jumps the center stage of paranoia at times. Think of it as such, It's nice to be able to talk to somebody voice over the phone to get to know them better. It's pretty clear they have not known each other long.

How does this alternative fit in? The OP can slow things down about playing with him this next week. She can assert the phone number issue. If he brings up the same excuses. She can bring this up as an Alternative (For Communication means of simply talking on phone).

Hell, I myself have two cell phone numbers. My family and those close to me have them both. The other is one is for anybody who I just meet and don't really know well yet. It's not some special BDSM hotline piece of Ass phone. If I meet somebody out at a bar or club and they want my number I give them this phone. There are fucking peoplle I don't want to expose myself to having them call me any time of Day or Night. Basically my close circle get's both numbers. Those that are not so close they get ONE number. I'll give that one number to BDSMers, Musicians, People I meet in Bars/Clubs or anybody else that I don't know really well.

One phone I'll shut off at night. The other one I leave turned on.

My Privacy is protected because nobody can do a reverse lookup. (I am safe, without any danger).

The last thing anybody will ever hear out of my mouth, is Oh.. I'm sorry.. I don't want to give you my number right away. That's an instant turn off. So I give them a number that I don't mind them having. If somebody wants to Harras me, fine I can shut it off. I have my other phone on where I can be reached by those close to me.

I keep the circus under control, my privacy protected.

I'm expressing these things, because I'm attempting to take time to step into the shoes of this guy in question. I'm simply offering alternative thoughts on the matter.

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 11:50:50 AM

SweetDommes

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I guess it was just the attitude that I got from how often you repeated your stand. As for my assumption that you only meet people for play - you repeated about meeting for play often ... nothing about deeper relationships that I saw. As to the "if he's willing to play, he shoudl be willing to hand out his number" - well, if he's supposedly not giving out his number for safety/security reasons ... I have to say that I agree with the statement. Unless it's at a supervised playparty/dungeon with trusted people around in addition to the one you're playing with, then you are in far more danger playing then you are giving out a number.

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 11:55:28 AM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

I guess it was just the attitude that I got from how often you repeated your stand. As for my assumption that you only meet people for play - you repeated about meeting for play often ... nothing about deeper relationships that I saw.

I don't usually talk much about the discussions relating to deeper relationships as they haven't gone very far and I don't feel like bringing that onto the forums out of respect for the others involved.

quote:

As to the "if he's willing to play, he shoudl be willing to hand out his number" - well, if he's supposedly not giving out his number for safety/security reasons ... I have to say that I agree with the statement. Unless it's at a supervised playparty/dungeon with trusted people around in addition to the one you're playing with, then you are in far more danger playing then you are giving out a number.

I don't play privately unless I trust them enough to give out my phone number (which actually, edited to add, has nothing to do with the phone number but more that I would have already played with them in public, hung out, etc. They would have my number as my friend). However, I can still understand where he is coming from, if he is being honest. He isn't worried about his physical safety.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 2/10/2010 11:58:19 AM >

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 11:58:46 AM

SweetDommes

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And I'm not asking for any specifics about relationships - just your words on this thread are what I was basing my statements on.

if she has his name, then she could do just as much or more damage with that as with his number. He's wanting her to open her home to him and play with him, but won't give her a number ... nope, doesn't fly, and I can't see any good reason for it.

< Message edited by SweetDommes -- 2/10/2010 11:59:28 AM >

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 11:59:22 AM

Whiplashsmile4

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quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

~FR~

I'm not going to get into the whole should he/shouldn't he debate about phone numbers. But what I will say to the OP is that if her 'inner voice' is telling her that something is wrong, then she should 100% trust it. Only once did I ignore my inner voice...and now I have the scars to prove it.

Trust me - it's not worth the risk.

This is the best Piece of Advice, I've seen posted so far.
Give the Cute Bunny a Carrot.

< Message edited by Whiplashsmile4 -- 2/10/2010 12:00:53 PM >

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