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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 10:13:28 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

I guess I don't understand why a phone number would make him that much more vulnerable for anything that would be a legitimate concern. The only reason that I can see her having his phone number causing a problem for him would be if he's married/involved with someone already. Otherwise, if he's willing to meet with her privately, to play with her, to go to her home, he should be willing to give out a way for her to contact him if needed.

I haven't finished reading, so if someone pointed this out, sorry for the redundancy.

While I do believe in all liklihood that the guy is married, the reason he GIVES for withholding the phone number is trust. Now everyone is attaching that to "safety." He isn't claiming to be worried about his safety. He is claiming that he has a substantial business and to give his phone number would make him more "traceable" should things go wrong and she might want to "out" him to the business community.

Keep in mind, I'm not saying I agree or disagree with this. I do believe he is married. However, everyone seemed to be missing this point and concentrating on equally "safety" and "trust" which are often equal but not always.

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 10:41:51 PM

Hawkwindblues

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From: Berlin, Germany
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If he is being married or simply paranoid would be of no concern to me, because i would have classified him as not suitable for me.

That would be my feeling after the phone number play. Heaven, M. and i exchanged our home numbers, in the second night we wrote to each other.

< Message edited by Hawkwindblues -- 2/10/2010 10:42:16 PM >

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/10/2010 11:27:27 PM

SweetDommes

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Joined: 10/5/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

I guess I don't understand why a phone number would make him that much more vulnerable for anything that would be a legitimate concern. The only reason that I can see her having his phone number causing a problem for him would be if he's married/involved with someone already. Otherwise, if he's willing to meet with her privately, to play with her, to go to her home, he should be willing to give out a way for her to contact him if needed.

I haven't finished reading, so if someone pointed this out, sorry for the redundancy.

While I do believe in all liklihood that the guy is married, the reason he GIVES for withholding the phone number is trust. Now everyone is attaching that to "safety." He isn't claiming to be worried about his safety. He is claiming that he has a substantial business and to give his phone number would make him more "traceable" should things go wrong and she might want to "out" him to the business community.

Keep in mind, I'm not saying I agree or disagree with this. I do believe he is married. However, everyone seemed to be missing this point and concentrating on equally "safety" and "trust" which are often equal but not always.

If he doesn't trust, then he feels vulnerable, yes? And yes, I do tend to equate safety and trust - because my mind says "if you don't trust, then you feel vulnerable; if you feel vulnerable, then you don't feel safe" Doesn't matter to me if it's physical or personal safety that he's concerned about - I say if he's willing to go to her house, and to play with her, then if he doesn't have a valid reason/excuse for not giving her his phone number. The only reason I can see is him being attached already, which isn't a valid reason to me and is grounds for being dropped. Yeah, stalker ex's do cause problems - but she has his name already so if she really wanted to, she could look up his number and cause the same problems. What's the difference? If it's really a trust thing, then he should be cautious with more than just his number, yes?

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Post #: 103

RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/11/2010 12:16:20 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissBeautiful2U

So my question is: at what point is it reasonable for a Dominant (or anyone) to demand a phone number? I think that it is a reasonable expectation if a relationship might develop out of the interaction and even if you are simply looking for casual play.

I can't answer this for Dominants (or anyone) in general, but speaking for myself, I would always suggest talking on the phone before a meet, in that case I'm happy for the other party to withhold their number - the first call is just about validating assumptions etc (confirming that the cutie I've been emailing is in fact a chick!).

I'd definitely suggest swapping numbers when arranging a first meet - if only for convenience. If the other party didn't want to share numbers at this point, it wouldn't stop us having a safe, nilla drink somewhere public.

I would never, ever, arrange a kinky meeting without swapping numbers, and exchanging a call on those numbers. This is for my safety as well as the sub's - Simply put if I turn out to be an axe-murderer or she does, the cops will at least be able to tie up the numbers after they've untied my corpse.

So there, that's my personal view, as it applies to me.

I've been known to "lapse" in terms of my own rules. A while ago I met a girl at a party and ended up back in her apartment, in her bed, (and in her bottom too for that matter) without even knowing her name. I'm not proud of it but it worked out ok, although the custard took an age to rinse out of my jumper.

As for my advice for you... You seem to have it covered to be honest - I think you're right to regard it as a concern. I'm assuming you've covered the obvious things - like "Is there a reason he doesn't want you calling him (Wife/GF etc)?" but tt could very simply be exactly as he says.

I loved juliaoceania's suggestion -

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I would tell him that he can keep his phone number but that you will not play without it and can be friends...

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Post #: 104

RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/11/2010 2:07:03 AM

ranja

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Okay, here's the passive-aggressive way to work this:

Set a playdate with him. Don't show up. Give an excuse and tell him that you wanted to call him but weren't able to. If only you had his number...

i do not see this as passive-aggressive... i see this as actively playing the game to its full potential... just brilliant
(just hope he does not pick up another while he is waiting... maybe have him watched? mwahahaha)

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Post #: 105

RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/11/2010 3:03:33 PM

LafayetteLady

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From: Northern New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

If he doesn't trust, then he feels vulnerable, yes? And yes, I do tend to equate safety and trust - because my mind says "if you don't trust, then you feel vulnerable; if you feel vulnerable, then you don't feel safe" Doesn't matter to me if it's physical or personal safety that he's concerned about - I say if he's willing to go to her house, and to play with her, then if he doesn't have a valid reason/excuse for not giving her his phone number. The only reason I can see is him being attached already, which isn't a valid reason to me and is grounds for being dropped. Yeah, stalker ex's do cause problems - but she has his name already so if she really wanted to, she could look up his number and cause the same problems. What's the difference? If it's really a trust thing, then he should be cautious with more than just his number, yes?

I already said that I believe the guy is likely married. But no, trust and safety are not the same. They can often run hand in hand but they don't have to. I can not trust someone, but also not feel my safety is at issue. Perhaps that comes from knowing myself and my ability to judge a situation very well. She has his first name, do we know if she has his last? I don't give my full name to someone to meet at for coffee, there is no need, further that IS a safety precaution. I'm not likely to be found by my first name a lone.

I don't disagree that this guy has one foot on a banana peel and the other foot out the door (in fact he may have already slipped on that peel the rest of the way out the door by now). But I am always amazed at how quickly everyone will "dismiss" someone. There is a lot to be said to having spoken to someone in person and being able to get a feel for how genuine they seem. I understand that sub boys seem to be a dime a dozen. But I know that I don't typically meet someone after just a conversation or two. There has to be some chemistry developing through emails, chats and phone calls. I'm not one to give many chances, but I will give at least one to see how things might pan out. I don't view people as quite that dispensible.

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/11/2010 3:53:05 PM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

OK, so he was willing to let you control his orgasms and set up a play date, but not give a phone number?

Does anybody else see the problem with this?

Me. Big problem. As a rule, I always get their number first. (I think I broke that once and luckily it turned out ok).

- LA

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/11/2010 7:03:55 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
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(fast reply, haven't read the thread)

He's married, or otherwise involved. Duh.

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Post #: 108

RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/11/2010 11:41:31 PM

SweetDommes

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In this day and age, screen names combined with a first name can give a whole lot of information with very little effort if you know where to go. I stand by my statements.

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/11/2010 11:46:17 PM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

In this day and age, screen names combined with a first name can give a whole lot of information with very little effort if you know where to go. I stand by my statements.

So maybe that hasn't occured to him, he doesn't think she knows about it, he already knows about them and has checked to make sure he doesn't come up (something I do occasionally), or is comfortable with that but not the phone number.

In the end, does it really matter why he isn't comfortable? Is comfort level in relationships or potential relationships required to be logical?

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RE: Disclosure of Private Information - 2/12/2010 2:52:41 AM

SweetDommes

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Actually, yes, it does matter - not to me, personally in this situation - but if I were in a similar situation, then it would matter to me greatly. And I'm sure that it matters to the OP.

Since I still haven't heard any acceptable reason for him not being comfortable with it, then I'm not going to change my mind about it. The only reason I've heard that makes any sense, combined with the other information that we have, is that he's cheating on someone with the OP. Nothing else makes sense given the situation as I understand it. That isn't an acceptable reason to me, and is grounds for being dropped. As I said before, with us, we don't meet without a phone number in advace and there is no negotiation on that point. If they aren't comfortable with that, then it stays online until they are comfortable with it, or we end it.

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