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The shopping list. - 2/16/2010 5:32:02 PM

CelticNightmare

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I see a lot of people who seem to like to post a "shopping list of deal breakers and requirements" in thier profiles.

Where do you think this comes from?

Is it something that actually works?

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RE: The shopping list. - 2/16/2010 5:34:13 PM

ourmsbetty

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Experience.

And most of the time, yes.

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RE: The shopping list. - 2/16/2010 5:36:28 PM

CelticNightmare

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What if the list is created purely out of fantasy though?

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RE: The shopping list. - 2/16/2010 5:38:21 PM

Madame4a

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I don't have any idea if it works -- but I like know that I've been clear up front about what's important to me and what I don't want.

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RE: The shopping list. - 2/16/2010 5:39:01 PM

anathema5

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Happens when people are vain and love their desires more than other people. I'm not talking about limits, that's everyone's own business, but a lot of guys in my position have their head up their ass about exactly what they'll "do for someone else". It's sad that they are often the ones complaining about paying someone for no emotional interest at all.

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RE: The shopping list. - 2/16/2010 5:39:55 PM

Kaiel

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticNightmare

What if the list is created purely out of fantasy though?

How would you know if their lists is made "purely out of fantasy"? and even if it is... it's their list and their fantasy... right?!

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RE: The shopping list. - 2/16/2010 5:41:07 PM

Kaiel

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticNightmare

I see a lot of people who seem to like to post a "shopping list of deal breakers and requirements" in thier profiles.

Where do you think this comes from?

Is it something that actually works?

However, to answer your question.. I know what I like... I know what I alike ALOT and alittle... I am also very of aware of what I dislike... I guess it's called self-awareness and experience.

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RE: The shopping list. - 2/16/2010 5:41:20 PM

CelticNightmare

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Sure,did I hit a button with you?

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RE: The shopping list. - 2/16/2010 5:43:13 PM

PrimalConsonance

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I think it probably works quite well for some people. If you are geared toward lists, then that's the way to go. For me, I tend to think in the abstract and go with my gut feeling. In potential relationship, I look for extreme compatibility. As we talk and get to know each other, we both learn everything we need to know.

Over and over I see that people tend to get in trouble when they jump right in before they know how the other person thinks. How many threads on here have there been where the submissive says, "Master wants to do (fill in the kinky act) to me and I think it's abhorrent. Should he have the right to make me do THAT?" or "My new sub is a terrible brat and I can't control her. Any ideas for punishments?"

Get to know each other. Of course, there is no timeline for this.

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RE: The shopping list. - 2/16/2010 5:43:17 PM

CelticNightmare

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I know. I see a certain amount of narcissism in regards to "desires" in the kink community. There is a lot of non-consensual objectification going on out there.

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RE: The shopping list. - 2/16/2010 5:45:02 PM

ourmsbetty

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticNightmare

What if the list is created purely out of fantasy though?

Then it may need revising with experience. But even with someone who has no real time experience if certain traits or things attract or appeal to them usually there is a reason.

Really though I haven't seen too many people create long lists out of pure fantasy. Usually those who are new are a bit more open/uncertain about what they want.

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RE: The shopping list. - 2/16/2010 5:46:49 PM

littlewonder

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How do you know it's fantasy? Have you asked these people.

When I was single I listed things that were dealbreakers, things that were preferences, things that were desires and needs.

It helped to cut down on those I did not want to even bother with. Why waste both our time?

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RE: The shopping list. - 2/16/2010 5:48:42 PM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticNightmare
I see a lot of people who seem to like to post a "shopping list of deal breakers and requirements" in thier profiles.

You call it a shopping list, I call it criteria. I'm not shopping for a partner. I have my eye out for one.

quote:

Where do you think this comes from?

As MsBetty said, experience. I know what I want.

quote:

Is it something that actually works?

It does. And I'm single right now because I haven't a man in my city that meets this criteria in the last 3 months. But that is a relatively short period of time and I also meet men offline so I'm not to worried.

- LA

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RE: The shopping list. - 2/16/2010 5:50:28 PM

CelticNightmare

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Sure,but what if someone who would otherwise be ideal sees something like that-and decides they don't like that kind of overt pressure? And you filter the wrong thing out?

Can anyone else here see a Dominant deciding that a woman has a tendency to "top from the bottom" by doing this sort of thing?

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RE: The shopping list. - 2/16/2010 5:56:46 PM

littlewonder

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticNightmare

Sure,but what if someone who would otherwise be ideal sees something like that-and decides they don't like that kind of overt pressure? And you filter the wrong thing out?

Can anyone else here see a Dominant deciding that a woman has a tendency to "top from the bottom" by doing this sort of thing?

This really is quite simple. If you don't like the profile, don't respond. There's plenty of others who will respond to her who don't feel that because she has requirements and desires that she's topping from the bottom.
How can one top from the bottom when they're just getting to know each other to see if there's anything even in common to go any further than that? She's not your slave at that point. She's just another human being on this great big planet earth. It's a wise thing to remember.

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RE: The shopping list. - 2/16/2010 5:56:57 PM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PrimalConsonance

I think it probably works quite well for some people. If you are geared toward lists, then that's the way to go. For me, I tend to think in the abstract and go with my gut feeling. In potential relationship, I look for extreme compatibility. As we talk and get to know each other, we both learn everything we need to know.

I see this as complimentary to the criteria I've written in my profile. What is on my profile is necessary as it helps with the initial triage. Then, when someone meets that criteria, I take my time to get to know them.

My criteria isn't really written in the form of a list. I try to illustrate with words the kind of man that will pique and maintain my interest as well as the kind of dynamic that works best for me. I think it is pretty realistic. And I know in my case it isn't fantasy as I've found it before and I'll find it again. Sometimes it feels so far away and sometimes it feels so close.

- LA

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RE: The shopping list. - 2/16/2010 5:59:38 PM

RedMagic1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticNightmare
Sure,but what if someone who would otherwise be ideal sees something like that-and decides they don't like that kind of overt pressure? And you filter the wrong thing out?

Can anyone else here see a Dominant deciding that a woman has a tendency to "top from the bottom" by doing this sort of thing?

You care about lists on profiles? Seriously? I've dated women I was "too old" for, "too short" for, "too far away" for, you name it. I wrote them, said why they interested me, was clear that I had read their profile and recognized I was outside one of their criteria, and started conversations with them anyway.

Most people don't change their profile every five minutes. They write down some words when they are in a particular mood, and hopefully it is more or less representative. Profiles are almost irrelevant to me, to be honest. I have seen some beautiful profiles written by fools, and perhaps the smartest women I have dated off CM had profiles that were max 5 lines long. (Smartest meaning Ph.D., self-made business woman, professional translator.) The translator literally had no profile, just a phenomenal username. I wrote her to compliment her on it, and we started talking on the phone for two hours a day, and then met in real.

Interaction matters. Profiles pretty much don't.

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RE: The shopping list. - 2/16/2010 6:01:35 PM

ourmsbetty

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticNightmare
Can anyone else here see a Dominant deciding that a woman has a tendency to "top from the bottom" by doing this sort of thing?

Nope.

Submissives are people. People have wants, feelings, thoughts, and needs. It is not at all unusual for someone to state them.

In the end it is up to the sub to decide how far to submit, and what or who to submit to.

If someone is put off by that list, well then they really aren't that ideal.

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RE: The shopping list. - 2/16/2010 6:07:04 PM

ResidentSadist

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Shopping list . . . sure. The shopping list starts when you fill out your CM profile and say seeking fem slave. A male Dom is "deal breaker" for me.

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RE: The shopping list. - 2/16/2010 6:07:10 PM

sexyred1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticNightmare

Sure,but what if someone who would otherwise be ideal sees something like that-and decides they don't like that kind of overt pressure? And you filter the wrong thing out?

Can anyone else here see a Dominant deciding that a woman has a tendency to "top from the bottom" by doing this sort of thing?

That is ridiculous to speculate on. If someone felt so strongly that they would be ideal for me and then wrote to me, I would consider them if other things were in place even if they did not fit one of my criteria.

How lame to say that a woman who expresses her preference in a partner is "topping from the bottom". I hate that term, it simply means a man cannot control a woman, or, he is being rejected and then he goes for the simplistic topping from the bottom comment.

Give me a break. Oh, and you ask if this is narcissistic behavior? Uh, no, its called being self aware, self selecting and discriminating.

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