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The other woman - 3/6/2010 8:04:05 AM   
alhamdullilah


Posts: 81
Joined: 2/18/2010
Status: offline 		I'm taking my chances here, considering this is my first post... Well, almost. My first post was to Domiguy's "Hey, Baby" thread - first in many years anyway. Since the idea of that thread - (aside from demonstrating Suhlut's prowess!) seemed to be getting new people to post to the forums, I thought I'd go ahead and take a chance, even though my question is likely to get me reamed, not to mention sully my rep. I didn't used to be such a wuss about posting but I seem to be a little fragile these days, so here goes---

How often does being a slave seem to equate to becoming the "other woman"? I'm tired of being the other woman. It doesn't start out that way but I think that being so accommodating makes it all the more likely. It seems that in my relationships, or rather in my life, I'm not stable enough to make me a good candidate for being the main girl, so to speak. The criticism is that if I had my life more together I'd be more appropriate for the serious relationship.

I've always believed that being strong is a necessity for a slave/submissive and, perhaps, I'm not. Apparently, I'm a good lay so they don't want to let me go but one doesn't become the priority that way, either. In my profile, I spoke honestly of this and, to my surprise, got a lot of responses from Doms wanting to "fix my life." So, between the sexual aspect and "the mess" aspect, I hold some attraction, but in the end, what kind of attraction does that really turn out to be? And I wonder, how many women who are very submissive fall into that trap.

I know, the twue Doms (I do enjoy that phrase though it seems terribly irreverant) might say that a real Master doesn't sneak around. I don't disagree. He doesn't have to. That's part of the problem, though, when a Man discovers that you'll be accommodating enough that he doesn't have to lie to you. Then, he just lies to the women in his life who aren't submissive and wouldn't tolerate it. Add loving someone to the mix here and it seems to become a problem for all involved.

I usually hate to address a topic I know I can answer on my own. I know the answers - the wrong kind of guys, fixing my own life especially, etc. Still I can't help but wonder if there aren't slaves and submissives out there - doormats or otherwise - who fall into this category and find themselves often in the role of "the other woman" as I do, and I rather hope to hear from them if they, like me, exist. However intelligent, however wise and however well-meaning... I can't be the only one who allows herself to be tripped up by life and one's own nature in this manner. Can I?

Let the reaming begin... Thanks for letting me post here, however lame my query.

-llilah
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: The other woman - 3/6/2010 8:16:32 AM   
AnimusRex


Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline 		There isn't a terribly clever answer to this dilemma.

At some point, submissive or not, eveyone has to make a stand and say "I deserve to be treated with respect".

Which sounds very easy, and simple, almost to the point of being flippant. Except that in making that statement, there usually is some sort of price- saying goodbye to someone who is in all other respects, wonderful; saying goodbye to financial stability; saying goodbye to an emotional support; and saying hello to sleeping alone, handling life without that person.

I guess I could say that by being so accomodating, you actually are being less than loving tohim, by enabling bad and dishonest behavior on his part; which is true enough, but seems a bit too clever, of trying to make a painful choice a bit easier to swallow.

Ultimately, we have to decide what is best for our life, in the long term, and ignore whatever short term pain it causes.

(in reply to alhamdullilah)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: The other woman - 3/6/2010 8:29:03 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Simply stated - you teach others how to treat you.  You do this by things you say and how you react to people and situations.  Being submissive or slave does not translate into either strong or weak, it depends on the people involved.  I do think that going forward from a place of weakness (not emphasizing your strengths) will attract a certain type of man to you, not necessarily a good match.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to AnimusRex)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: The other woman - 3/6/2010 8:31:09 AM   
Hieros


Posts: 8
Joined: 2/2/2010
Status: offline 		My opinion is that, it dosen't matter if you are submissive you deserve to be "the woman" not the other woman. Once my sister told me you don't have to change just as you are perfect for some one out there just the way you are... and if this @#$% son of !@#$% dosen't realize it, tell him and dump him. You deserve better. Best advice ever from my sis!

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: The other woman - 3/6/2010 8:31:57 AM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline 		Great post on an awkward topic. Way before I was involved in D/s, my submissive nature made me the "accidental other woman" a couple times, and I think there was a point where my current relationship almost headed in that direction. I wish I could tell you what I did to keep my current relationship from ending up that way, but I don't think it was anything I did, I just got lucky enough to be in a relationship with someone I am truly well-matched with--meaning we each bring out the best in the other--and he recognized that.

I have some other thoughts on this that I don't want to share with everyone. Feel free to cmail me if you want to talk more.

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to AnimusRex)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: The other woman - 3/6/2010 8:33:16 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		I suppose that since I brought you down into the land of the Philistines and the Sodomites I am somewhat responsible for what befalls you from this point forward.

There is that thin line where you want to give pleasure and submit but at the same time you don't want to be totally taken advantage of or walked all over.

So you do have to set up some parameters that you cannot deviate from. No married guys or getting involved with men that are in monogamous relationships. If you dig the couple thing than meet and court them both... That is number one. Two, just find someone that digs you for you. All the other shit will fall right into line. You seem nice enough, probably have all of the lumps and crevices we men tend to adore and judging from your post you are a pretty smart cookie to boot. Just take it easy. Things will all be coooool.

Now if "we" happen to get together disregard everything I have said above...Don't be sticking your nose into my Bidniss, do exactly as your told, stay on all fours and clean that shit up!!!

Got it bitch?

< Message edited by domiguy -- 3/6/2010 8:34:07 AM >

_____________________________



(in reply to AnimusRex)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: The other woman - 3/6/2010 8:52:55 AM   
warmwoman29


Posts: 100
Joined: 10/17/2004
Status: offline 		I've been the other woman and it's very sad and unfulfilling. It's true what others say about finding the strength to walk away from stability or at least some remnant of intimacy. But in the end? It doesn't mean anything. He still goes home to his wife and I still sleep alone. I can sleep alone just fine without mixing it up with an already taken man.

I left my marriage in 2004 after many years of feeling unfulfilled. That wasn't easy! Even though the sexual intimacy had long faded, there was still something about the familiarity that I'd be losing, not to the mention the uncertainty of being able to support myself alone. It was the best decision for me.

Since that time, I've search (in vain!) for a man to fit me. Each time I felt desperate and thought I'd have to settle for a married man, something jerked me back and I had to be true to myself and say, no. My last opportunity presented himself last November. I couldn't go through with it. I know that was the right decision.

I've been celibate for over a year. No, it's not easy, but neither am I going to settle for a quick fix. That would only be lying to myself and I really dislike liars.

(in reply to alhamdullilah)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: The other woman - 3/6/2010 8:56:09 AM   
belladevine


Posts: 437
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline 		In my opinion every woman becomes the other woman sooner or later. I have never met a monogamous man. Chances are if he isn't lying to me he is lying to somebody else.
Men lie and cheat. They don't really care about us. Men are sexual nomads, users and abusers. I don't care about monogamy any more, just show me the money.
HAHAHA Most men have lied and cheated themeslves so far into debt that there isn't any money left. Where is the dominance????

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: The other woman - 3/6/2010 8:56:59 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		Nice hat

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to belladevine)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: The other woman - 3/6/2010 9:07:46 AM   
Dominasola


Posts: 582
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Ottawa, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: belladevine

In my opinion every woman becomes the other woman sooner or later. I have never met a monogamous man. Chances are if he isn't lying to me he is lying to somebody else.
Men lie and cheat. They don't really care about us. Men are sexual nomads, users and abusers. I don't care about monogamy any more, just show me the money.
HAHAHA Most men have lied and cheated themeslves so far into debt that there isn't any money left. Where is the dominance????


*blink blink*


_____________________________

I have made a ceaseless effort not to ridicule, not to bewail, not to scorn human actions, but to understand them.

—Baruch Spinoza

The measure of a man is what he does with power.

—Pittacus

(in reply to belladevine)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: The other woman - 3/6/2010 9:11:33 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		I seen her act before. This is her shtick!


SheckyJeff

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to Dominasola)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: The other woman - 3/6/2010 9:25:21 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I've been the "other woman". I refuse to ever be again. You just have to take a stand and tell yourself you're worth more and you deserve more.

(in reply to Jeffff)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: The other woman - 3/6/2010 9:36:50 AM   
laura2161


Posts: 254
Joined: 3/8/2008
From: Duluth, GA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I've been the "other woman". I refuse to ever be again. You just have to take a stand and tell yourself you're worth more and you deserve more.


I was also the 'other woman' for quite some time. He wasnt married but in a committed relationship. I didnt know that for the first few months but I take responsibility for not walking away the moment I found out. It took me quite a while to see that I did deserve MUCH better. Once I walked I never looked back and I will never become the other woman again.


_____________________________

'I am not infantile, You StinkyButt Poophead!'

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: The other woman - 3/6/2010 9:39:53 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Right, like Jeff was really looking at her hat.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to laura2161)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: The other woman - 3/6/2010 9:47:53 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: belladevine

In my opinion every woman becomes the other woman sooner or later. I have never met a monogamous man. Chances are if he isn't lying to me he is lying to somebody else.
Men lie and cheat. They don't really care about us. Men are sexual nomads, users and abusers. I don't care about monogamy any more, just show me the money.
HAHAHA Most men have lied and cheated themeslves so far into debt that there isn't any money left. Where is the dominance????


Paging Dr. Phil.

Paging Dr. Phil. 

Dr. Phil, please report to "Ask a Submissive".

(in reply to belladevine)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: The other woman - 3/6/2010 9:54:21 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Right, like Jeff was really looking at her hat.



Course he wasn't - he's a man and we wimmins all know men lie and cheat about everything



_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk


(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: The other woman - 3/6/2010 9:58:20 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		OP, let me say that you're cute, seem intelligent, and are very submissive.  So you want to give it all to a man.  Shame that you're attracted to the ones that would take advantage.

Also a damn shame that you're not in Colorado.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Rochsub2009)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: The other woman - 3/6/2010 10:07:21 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		I too have been the other woman...All these men care about is my humongous schlong and my knowledge of beer. I now only care about the money.

Cha-ching.

_____________________________



(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: The other woman - 3/6/2010 10:25:54 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		Thats not true!

I care about the warm glow in your kind eyes!

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: The other woman - 3/6/2010 10:47:07 AM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AnimusRex

At some point, submissive or not, eveyone has to make a stand and say "I deserve to be treated with respect".



This. You're right about a slave needing to be strong. And i see myself as a valuable slave to my Owner, and i work to keep that value. i've said many times, "if you want to be Owned, be something worth Owning." And if there comes a time when your needs and your Owner/Master's are no longer compatible, then sometimes that means a tough decision - and it may be respectfully asking for release.

An obedient and sensual slave is of great value to her Owner. It is the slave's responsibility to keep and hold that mind-set in her service to him, and preserve that value.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to AnimusRex)
Profile   Post #: 20
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