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RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 11:12:42 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		Sorry. was on the phone with her and we used this thread for her to learn how to use the [ quote] [ /quote] thingies...so all of her posts don't get trapped in the last poster's words.

I don't think she got it.

husband4fun I hope your wife did not drink through her pregnancies like poor divi's mother obviously did.

Wish you the best. It sucks being sexually bored with your partner.

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RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 11:17:06 AM   
divi


Posts: 11109
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline 		His wife drinking is the least of his problems..

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RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 11:21:47 AM   
Lucienne


Posts: 1175
Joined: 9/5/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: husband4fun

Dark: Had our second child just 3 months ago, so you've got a point there.


Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Are you for real? I'm trying not to be harsh here (I frequently fail), but seriously... DUUUUDE. You want more from your wife? Give more. Now is the time to be completely spoiling her.  The more you make her happy, the more inclined she should be to make you happy. (And if she's not, then you've got serious compatibility issues.) Focus on the sensual - in your case it could be as simple as making sure your wife has had a good night's sleep.

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RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 11:26:35 AM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: husband4fun

Dark: Had our second child just 3 months ago, so you've got a point there. Does anyone else think Domiguy and Divi are good candidates for a fetish reality show? I'd tune in for that one!


3 month old baby?  Good lord.  I don't even have kids but even I know she's got to be exhausted, hormonal, overly extended. What YOU have to be is a supporting husband and not think about your unmet kinky needs.  For now.

I can speculate that some of the problems with her view of your kink and what you have said:
1. She probably worries she's not sexually enough for you.  Every request for exploration could be telling her, "you bore me in bed. you aren't good enough to keep me guessing.  you aren't fun sexually. "  Women sometimes get in this bad way of thinking.
2. She went to some fetish events and found them creepy or the men weird.  She may not have an exhibitionist bone in her body. That's just the way it is.
3. Kink is just pressure for her. One more thing on her "to do" list. An obligation, not a recreation. Give her space and back off.

Is your sex life good? Does your wife feel desired?  Is she comfortable and getting all she needs emotionally? All of these things HAVE to be present before you can explore kink.   You also have to dial back your appetite.  This means reducing or eliminating things like porn viewing, dirty magazines, talking about S&M, whatever - if she feels like you have a one track mind, it will poison her attitudes toward kink.  Kink should be presented as a fun diversion, a "spice," not the foundation of your sex life.

Also, any kind of cheating, ANY (including hot chat, cam sex, online-only "subs" and "Mistresses") that you hide from her will set you back A lot.  You have to start from a position of total trust and honesty, and that may mean eliminating any secret outlets, if you had any.

But most important?  She just had a baby.  That's her priority, and you should allow that.  Those here who have had babies can probably give a better indication when to expect she may be feeling better.  Three months seems early. I'm not a mom though.  When do babies start sleeping through the night?

Akasha


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RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 11:34:35 AM   
husband4fun


Posts: 33
Joined: 4/21/2007
Status: offline 		Akasha: Wow, very insightful. THIS is the kind of feedback I was seeking. I hadn't considered a few of the points you've made, but I certainly will now. FYI, I haven't been pressing at all lately, because I do want to give her time to readjust after the pregnancy and birth. My topic is just something that's been hovering over the marriage for awhile, so I thought it might be a good idea to discuss it with more experienced scene people.

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RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 11:37:42 AM   
divi


Posts: 11109
Joined: 9/4/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: husband4fun

Dark: Had our second child just 3 months ago, so you've got a point there. Does anyone else think Domiguy and Divi are good candidates for a fetish reality show? I'd tune in for that one!


Domi is a limp dick mo fo ..
( this is a test and Domi approved this )



< Message edited by divi -- 3/10/2010 11:38:36 AM >

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RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 11:38:43 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		You are 40 years old and almost all the advice you have gotten here is common sense.

You needed a bunch of strangers to point these things out?

What's up with that?

Jeff


< Message edited by Jeffff -- 3/10/2010 11:39:17 AM >

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RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 11:40:08 AM   
husband4fun


Posts: 33
Joined: 4/21/2007
Status: offline 		I'm 43, to be exact. What seems like common sense to one person may be a revelation to another, depending on the issues and psychology involved...

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RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 11:40:57 AM   
FukinTroll


Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: husband4fun

Does anyone here have any advice on how to encourage a vanilla wife to explore more? I've been with my wife for 10 years now, and she's occasionally humored me in the past by attending bdsm/fetish parties and events, but I could never really get her to participate; lately she won't even go along as a tourist. Needless to say, my own urges are not fading away, and she doesn't seem open to experimenting at home. My wife is extremely attractive, a quality person and a great mom to our two young sons, but this gap between my kinky side and her vanilla nature is causing me a lot of frustration. I'd sincerely like to hear what any of you think might help.

S.


Maybe it is just me but wouldn't it have been easier if: ten year 127 days, eighteen hours and 42 seconds ago you would have asked her about this?


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RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 11:41:53 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
I think you are overfocused on the kink -- that is, the fact that you ain't gettin any -- and you are missing the obvious. 


The above is the best line in the whole thread.  More often than not, when topics like this come up, that's the real issue.

quote:

ORIGINAL: husband4fun

Does anyone here have any advice on how to encourage a vanilla wife to explore more? I've been with my wife for 10 years now, and she's occasionally humored me in the past by attending bdsm/fetish parties and events, but I could never really get her to participate; lately she won't even go along as a tourist. Needless to say, my own urges are not fading away, and she doesn't seem open to experimenting at home. My wife is extremely attractive, a quality person and a great mom to our two young sons, but this gap between my kinky side and her vanilla nature is causing me a lot of frustration. I'd sincerely like to hear what any of you think might help.

S.

OP, many people are more open to exploring when the relationship is in a great place.  They are more willing to humor their partner and give them something that they want when they are receiving the things that they want.  How are you doing in that department?  How content is she with your relationship and your sex life?  The higher her fulfillment is, the more likely that your wife will want to increase yours.

What happens often is, one spouse is obsessed with the kink stuff and is somewhat pushy with their partner, making them actually more resistant.  Think of it like this.  If we're not talking about the kink stuff, how happy are you if you feel your wife is forcing you to do something that you really don't want to do?  How about if she nags you about it for a period of time on top of that?  That may be exactly how your wife is feeling about all of this.

If your wife has indulged you in the past, and found that the kinky stuff really isn't for her, you may have to accept that.  It may come down to the fact that you are just wired differently.  Turn this thing around for a minute.  If she was here asking how to make you more vanilla, wouldn't your reaction be that kinky is who you are?  It's the very same thing, just from the other side of the fence.


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RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 11:43:21 AM   
husband4fun


Posts: 33
Joined: 4/21/2007
Status: offline 		Troll: We've had those discussions, I'm not a complete idiot. (Somewhat idiotic, I'll cop to.) But as our relationship has evolved, my wife's become quite a bit less adventurous and open-minded where fetish is concerned.

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RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 11:44:20 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: husband4fun

I'm 43, to be exact. What seems like common sense to one person may be a revelation to another, depending on the issues and psychology involved...



Being an attentive husband and thoughtful of your wifes needs and emotional well being is a revelation?

Dude if you are really so self centered you don't need advice, you need therapy.

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RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 11:44:52 AM   
FukinTroll


Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: husband4fun

Troll: We've had those discussions, I'm not a complete idiot. (Somewhat idiotic, I'll cop to.) But as our relationship has evolved, my wife's become quite a bit less adventurous and open-minded where fetish is concerned.


*Points at divi's first post*

The road has split buddy, no matter how you hammer on it now your in LA and she is in Jersey.


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RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 11:45:17 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		It probably has something to do with.......growing up, parenting, a kink obsessed husband she might be sick having of nag her....

Aside from that.........what LadyPact said.


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RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 11:45:26 AM   
husband4fun


Posts: 33
Joined: 4/21/2007
Status: offline 		Lady Pact: Right you are, especially in your observation that I may be "wired differently." I'm a pervert, that's for sure — just an undernourished one.

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RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 11:47:05 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: husband4fun

Lady Pact: Right you are, especially in your observation that I may be "wired differently." I'm a pervert, that's for sure — just an undernourished one.


How nourished are your wife's needs?


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 11:48:09 AM   
husband4fun


Posts: 33
Joined: 4/21/2007
Status: offline 		I will say one thing, posting on these boards is the quickest way to generate activity for your page. Mine was dead as a doornail for many months, but now it appears to have some life LOL

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RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 11:51:34 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
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Status: offline 		People can't help looking at a train wreak.


Jeff

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RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 11:53:22 AM   
husband4fun


Posts: 33
Joined: 4/21/2007
Status: offline 		Sticks and stones, Jeff. I'm not getting involved with name-callers or immature types.

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RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 11:54:35 AM   
husband4fun


Posts: 33
Joined: 4/21/2007
Status: offline 		Must admit, I'm puzzled by the hostility in some of these replies, but I guess that's the net for you.

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