Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Married to vanilla?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Married to vanilla? Page: <<   < prev  4 5 [6] 7 8   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 2:47:11 PM   
wisdomtogive


Posts: 636
Joined: 11/13/2009
Status: offline 		Op
After reading rapidly through the responses, give yourself some time by stepping back a little. Obsessive behavior is our clue that something else is happening inside our mind. You and your wife have a little one and now a new born, and that brings a lot of changes in the home. Doesn't matter what lifestyle you are living, everyone feels these changes. Maybe you can put the bdsm to the side right now, and serve her in other ways of service that isn't kink. Sorry I not real sure if you are a sub or dom in this relationship, though I remember reading you are a switch.

I could say a lot more but I would only being coming out of my own prejudices. Those I should not bestow on you.
Blessings
wisdom

_____________________________

Happily owned by MstrDark1

(in reply to FukinTroll)
Profile   Post #: 101
RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 3:18:41 PM   
Blackburn


Posts: 78
Joined: 8/11/2009
Status: offline 		I'll say the same as everyone else. At best, your vanilla wife will humor your kink once in a while. Right after childbirth? No chance.

Just as you are deep inside your head wondering how you can up the kink in your life, she is pondering what has happened to her loving husband now that the real work of raising children is upon her. As said, you are in LA and she is in Jersey.

She will never share your kink. Period. She may tolerate it or even participate out of love, but ONLY if you step up your attention to her. Sure, lunch and roses will help, but not nearly as much as full on participation in raising a family. The gap between you two isn't just sex and kink. It is life and priorities and partnership. That flight to Jersey you need to take has very little to do with sex.

Sex and willingness to experiment will be the byproduct of your attention to the details of real life. If you are matched with a compatibly kinky spouse, it gets a ton easier. You aren't. Your choices are easy: get out or be a fuckin' awesome partner. Sex and maybe kink will follow like a river.

My 2 cents. Hope your lunch was awesome for the both of you. Good luck!

(in reply to wisdomtogive)
Profile   Post #: 102
RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 3:21:26 PM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline 		Hi OP,

I'm going to respond to you based on my experience as a mother of three. I disagree with some of the other posters.

Your wife isn't vanilla. She's a mother.

That means she feels, at a fundamental, profound level that her first duty is to her children (both kids are in diapers, and very helpless). Kink is not always compatible with kids. Bondage is no fun when you think your kiddo is going need you. Ultra hot S&M sex is NOT so hot when you think your screams are going to alarm your child... are you getting the picture?

Your wife may very well find her kink side again, when she believes it doesn't endanger her children in some way. Kink is an indulgence. Motherhood is not. Making her feel safe enough to experiment isn't an hour-long effortless thing. It doesn't involve lunch or body-worship (though they both sound fun, especially if theres no ulterior motive). Kink requires her letting go of her belief that her children desperately need her. Talk to some Moms and find out how easy it is for mothers to let go. Especially when they have babies.

I think you should just be thrilled if you get vanilla sex. In the meantime, as others have pointed out, don't pressure her.

January

My One (a BDSM romance, with no children in it) was released as an electronic book last month. You can buy it anywhere e-books are sold.

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]




(in reply to wisdomtogive)
Profile   Post #: 103
RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 4:24:35 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		A couple of things...
There seems to be a divide right now between you and your wife. You say you're not pushing the BDSM right now and that her turning away from it is something that was in place before the baby came on the scene but I'm wondering why it's on your mind. Surely if a stranger can see that this is an issue to you (no BDSM, perhaps not much sex in general) then your wife can see it too and as so many pointed out...she's got other priorities right now. The one time that my husband got a sitter, sent me into the bedroom for a nap, cooked dinner, and then woke me up to eat with him I didn't even wait...I did him on the kitchen floor. Sad to say most of the other time while our children were very young he was so fixated on sex it become a contentious subject for us and no matter that he thought he wasn't pushing it on me I felt the presence of that subject so heavily it turned me away from him. We struggled mightily with communication more at that time than any other and didn't really have much, therefore didn't have much of a bond and didn't really have much sex. As it has been pointed out, you just don't put yourself out for someone in a giving way if you don't feel all that connected to them.

The other thing I wanted to mention is that if I went only by your profile it does give off the looking for sex/casual play vibe. There's your username, the text in your profile, and the list of sexual interests listed in the interest section. I wondered like the others if you were looking to go behind your wife's back even though it says she 'doesn't mind' in the profile. There is definitely a mixed vibe here between what you are saying in posting responses and what your profile 'says' about  you.

(in reply to husband4fun)
Profile   Post #: 104
RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 5:27:27 PM   
GraciousLady


Posts: 529
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline 		This is a prime example why I preach to not jump into relationships. This guy married a woman, had kids and didn't realize this was coming? I don't mean to sound like a bitch here but why did he marry her THEN have kids if he knew there was this huge valley between them that he would struggle with? Now he's on an internet site trying to deal with it? And for what it's worth, I do not believe your wife knows your on here nor does she know you are, as you claim, active in the fetish community. I say I do not believe you because no vanilla woman would be ok with her husband having a profile on the internet looking for encounters. You have fewer options now and should know your life stopped being your own when those kids came along. Your real options? Divorce your wife and have the life you want but be a good Dad. Delete the profile and stop trying to hook up and live with your choices.

(in reply to husband4fun)
Profile   Post #: 105
RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 7:42:31 PM   
afkarr


Posts: 328
Joined: 1/13/2010
Status: offline 		For the time being you could explore lactation fetish

Other than that, it seems your choices down the road are either to find out if she's willing to get a little more kinky, or negotiate permission to have play partners if she's not.

Dude- she knows you're kinky and hasn't thrown you out of the house yet. Seriously. Consider yourself fortunate and work with what you have.

(in reply to GraciousLady)
Profile   Post #: 106
RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 8:03:16 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Pregnancy followed by nursing followed by pregnancy followed by nursing. The drain on the body is unbelievable with that. The lack of uninterrupted sleep is a major cause of lack of libido.

Wait till after she stops nursing and until they sleep through the night. Then you can expect occasional sex. But as others have said, if you aren't any good as a father you won't be any good as a husband. Motherhood comes first. If you're an involved father, she'll love you lots. If you aren't, she won't. It really is that simple.

Beyond that, she isn't kinky. She was willing to indulge you occasionally. Now she won't. Be a better husband and father and she might. Once they stop nursing and start sleeping.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to afkarr)
Profile   Post #: 107
RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 8:18:57 PM   
brainiacsub


Posts: 1209
Joined: 11/11/2007
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GraciousLady

This is a prime example why I preach to not jump into relationships. This guy married a woman, had kids and didn't realize this was coming? I don't mean to sound like a bitch here but why did he marry her THEN have kids if he knew there was this huge valley between them that he would struggle with? Now he's on an internet site trying to deal with it? And for what it's worth, I do not believe your wife knows your on here nor does she know you are, as you claim, active in the fetish community. I say I do not believe you because no vanilla woman would be ok with her husband having a profile on the internet looking for encounters. You have fewer options now and should know your life stopped being your own when those kids came along. Your real options? Divorce your wife and have the life you want but be a good Dad. Delete the profile and stop trying to hook up and live with your choices.


Lady, I'm with you on this one. After reading the entire thread, I was wondering when somebody was going to state the obvious and give this guy some real advice he could take to the bank. IMHO, this marriage was over long before the second kid was even born. However, I'll go out on a limb here and say I don't entirely blame the OP. When sex becomes a chore, marriage becomes just another legal contract.

(in reply to GraciousLady)
Profile   Post #: 108
RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 9:02:45 PM   
Hawkwindblues


Posts: 183
Joined: 6/26/2009
From: Berlin, Germany
Status: offline
quote:

Your wife isn't vanilla. She's a mother.


The above sentence seems to be a good starting point.


Firstly opposite to some other posters i feel for you, which does not mean that i think you should stop to put any pressure on your wife, immediately.

I was together and married to a vanilla men with some kinky parts for 16 years and although we do not share sexual encounters any longer are still very close.

After we met i told him at our 2. rendevous, that i was a sadomasochistic switch and he did understand quite well, what that meant. As it turned out: Pain was nothing for him, but dominance/submission was. He is a natural switch like me and i had the most beautiful experiences with him. I could have find a way to live with that forever, but then another problem surfaced. Haunted by his own demons, he had very long periods of time where he withdraw from sex/his own body/joy, he is now in the ripe old age of 46 able and has started to look into the reasons for it. But as somebody who has not periods like that and feeling starved on many levels i employed for a long time everything that came to me, but i must have given up hope that he confronts himself with his self some time before, i began to go to munches again and be in the internet.

I did not stray, but one night i chatted the first words with M. and my world changed. Today i am together with M. for nearly 10 years and my first husband and we share a very close relationship, in fact i would say i love both of them, although i a have only with one any longer bodily encounters.

As i have no children i do not know if the existence of children would have changed our path.

_____________________________

After 10 years with the handle ZenDragoness it is time for a change.

(in reply to January)
Profile   Post #: 109
RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/10/2010 9:23:16 PM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline 		What is more important to you, your marriage or getting your kink on? If you've got a good marriage, are you willing to put off the kink for a while until your wife recovers from having babies and dealing with all that entails? Especially since it sounds like she's probably dealing with all of it alone?

She's just spent 9 months feeling like a bloated whale and the past 3 still feeling like one while knowing everything that was firm and taut before babies is now not. While some guys get off on post-partum female bodies, most women I know do not. She's feeling like crap, feels she looks like crap, and you want her to go all Domme on you, let alone get kinky?????

What I wanted from my husband after birthing his children was someone who was attentive to me, helped with the household chores, helped watch & wash the babies, and let me take real naps. REAL naps, not the ones where I was interrupted every 15 minutes with an emergency like "the diaper needs to be changed" or "I think the baby's hungry".

If you want sex, let alone kink, spend 6-8 months helping her and showing her how much you appreciate all the work she is doing for YOU. Give her a chance to rest and recover. Then, maybe, she'll be ready to have sex and/or be kinky again on a weekend away from the house and the kids with someone she trusts taking care of them. Be nice if you gave her a nice spa treatment one of those days too. Spa treatments always make me feel relaxed and sexy.

_____________________________

"cooking is my kink"

Collared June 19, 2008
(uncollared 12/21/09 with his death. RIP my Santa)

(in reply to Hawkwindblues)
Profile   Post #: 110
RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/11/2010 1:33:17 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		Some women obviously are totally depleted after child birth... some are near death after the second... these women probably need tonnes of help and cuddles and understanding.

Other women, sail through the pregnancy happily and motherhood seems to come quite natural... for me personally my sex drive never much suffered at all.

Three months is in my opinion quite enough time to be over the worst bodily issues and sex should most definitely resume at normal pace... it is always easier to keep things running than to have to start from scratch after a long time of nothing.

Besides, good sex energises you, good sex HELPS you cope with life and stress, it is better to have sex than it is to NOT have sex
For Petes sake what is it with all these women who are too bogged down by life to have sex???

OP: don't rely on spontaneous encounters, make some plans, do some talking and make dates with her.
Good luck

< Message edited by ranja -- 3/11/2010 1:35:03 AM >

(in reply to husband4fun)
Profile   Post #: 111
RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/11/2010 9:28:22 AM   
xssve


Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: husband4fun

When we first met she expressed an interest in attending events and thought the scene was interesting and cool, but she got turned off by the overly aggressive doms we kept meeting.
That's always a problem, them assholes fuck everything up, waving their dick around, very few women find this attractive in a social situation, even the kinky ones. It does offer the opportunity for you step up and protect her by telling them to fuck off, that can impress a lady.

There's always more civilized types with more social skills who hang back, it's just you gotta fight through a crowd of fucktards to get to 'em, don't be shy.

(in reply to husband4fun)
Profile   Post #: 112
RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/11/2010 9:31:11 AM   
xssve


Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: brainiacsub


quote:

ORIGINAL: GraciousLady

This is a prime example why I preach to not jump into relationships. This guy married a woman, had kids and didn't realize this was coming? I don't mean to sound like a bitch here but why did he marry her THEN have kids if he knew there was this huge valley between them that he would struggle with? Now he's on an internet site trying to deal with it? And for what it's worth, I do not believe your wife knows your on here nor does she know you are, as you claim, active in the fetish community. I say I do not believe you because no vanilla woman would be ok with her husband having a profile on the internet looking for encounters. You have fewer options now and should know your life stopped being your own when those kids came along. Your real options? Divorce your wife and have the life you want but be a good Dad. Delete the profile and stop trying to hook up and live with your choices.


Lady, I'm with you on this one. After reading the entire thread, I was wondering when somebody was going to state the obvious and give this guy some real advice he could take to the bank. IMHO, this marriage was over long before the second kid was even born. However, I'll go out on a limb here and say I don't entirely blame the OP. When sex becomes a chore, marriage becomes just another legal contract.
C'mon you Two, that's all cryin' over spilt milk and closing the barn door after the cow is gone, he's looking for a way to move forward, not back - you can't change the past, it's gone.

(in reply to brainiacsub)
Profile   Post #: 113
RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/11/2010 11:10:51 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		FR: Ok, so you've had this profile up since what? 2004? Does your wife know?

Here's what you do; after your lunch, you bring her home and show her your profile. If she doesn't get all domme on you after that, show her this thread.

I would be broken-hearted were I her, and you were looking to "more than watch" with some stranger.  A whole secret life you've got going here...but you say you have a good marriage? I'm sorry...but....what's good about it?  You lie and want to cheat...just haven't found anyone willing to yet. You're incompatible sexually, and you see nothing wrong with boo hooing in a public forum that your wife who just had your second child isn't kinky enough for you.

It's all very sad and tawdry, and you had to bring children into it as well...

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to xssve)
Profile   Post #: 114
RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/11/2010 11:33:26 AM   
takemeforyourown


Posts: 430
Joined: 2/24/2007
Status: offline 		I'm married to a vanilla man. I discovered my kinky side during a short marital separation. When my husband and I decided to get back together and raise our children as a couple, I discussed my new interests with him. He wasn't into it. So I live vicariously through these message boards. He knows I'm here, this is as far as I go without him. End of story. I know enough to understand that I can't MAKE him like this kinky shit. Stop torturing your poor wife. Either stay with her and accept her vanilla-ness or ditch your family and go play.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 115
RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/11/2010 11:46:22 AM   
brainiacsub


Posts: 1209
Joined: 11/11/2007
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xssve

C'mon you Two, that's all cryin' over spilt milk and closing the barn door after the cow is gone, he's looking for a way to move forward, not back - you can't change the past, it's gone.



You don't think our advice was a way forward? As we see it, he now has two choices: 1. Get a divorce and pursue his hearts desire, or 2. Accept his choices and live unhappily ever after.

How is that crying over spilled milk? Maybe you are one of those who believes that either he will change or she will. I admire your optimism, but short of a superhuman effort on both their parts, the writing is on the wall, isn't it?

(in reply to xssve)
Profile   Post #: 116
RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/11/2010 2:11:30 PM   
GraciousLady


Posts: 529
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline 		I go to work, come home and we are STILL talking about this lieing, cheating guy! WOW! We have great staminia, LOL!

(in reply to husband4fun)
Profile   Post #: 117
RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/11/2010 8:41:21 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: brainiacsub

You don't think our advice was a way forward? As we see it, he now has two choices: 1. Get a divorce and pursue his hearts desire, or 2. Accept his choices and live unhappily ever after.

How is that crying over spilled milk? Maybe you are one of those who believes that either he will change or she will. I admire your optimism, but short of a superhuman effort on both their parts, the writing is on the wall, isn't it?


I think saying he either get a divorce or be unhappy is a pretty pessimistic view. It isn't about "changing." They obviously have been working in some way together to be married for 10 years and now have two children. What I do think is that the OP has gone about getting his wife interested in all the wrong ways. Going to play parties and dungeons, in my opinion, presented this all to her in a very overwhelming fashion. Introducing little things within the privacy of their own bedroom would give her an opportunity to learn and get comfortable. Not everyone is into the public scenes, his wife may be one of those people. Saying she is a "repressed Catholic" also leads me to believe that she would be more receptive privately rather than publicly.

She has indulged him in the past. I honestly don't believe she did so and hated what she was doing. I believe it is more a matter of her needing to be "in the mood" to play. With a toddler and a three month old baby, being in the mood isn't happening.

On a side note, I'm always amazed at how easily people will suggest ending relationships or state that the relationship is doomed. And these are usually the same people who will state that they feel a BDSM relationship is more committed and more serious than marriage. At the rate that the suggestion "to move on" is made, I fail to see where a BDSM relationship would be more serious or more committed.

(in reply to brainiacsub)
Profile   Post #: 118
RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/11/2010 9:31:04 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: husband4fun

Does anyone here have any advice on how to encourage a vanilla wife to explore more? I've been with my wife for 10 years now, and she's occasionally humored me in the past by attending bdsm/fetish parties and events, but I could never really get her to participate; lately she won't even go along as a tourist. Needless to say, my own urges are not fading away, and she doesn't seem open to experimenting at home. My wife is extremely attractive, a quality person and a great mom to our two young sons, but this gap between my kinky side and her vanilla nature is causing me a lot of frustration. I'd sincerely like to hear what any of you think might help.

S.



Try taking your problem to the marriage ref. I'm sure Larry David could think of a practical solution.

(in reply to husband4fun)
Profile   Post #: 119
RE: Married to vanilla? - 3/11/2010 9:36:38 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
Marriage advice from single, idealistic strangers usually feels like a brick hitting you in the head.

(in reply to husband4fun)
Profile   Post #: 120
Page:   <<   < prev  4 5 [6] 7 8   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Married to vanilla? Page: <<   < prev  4 5 [6] 7 8   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094