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Help...........Please - 3/15/2010 8:27:36 AM   
chiara


Posts: 10
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline 		An owned slave living with her Master , he has been married, 3 adult children .
The ex wife is continually on the phone to Master  while at work and it adds to His already stressful job.
I have suggested that because all she does is drain him and inject him with negativity that perhaps its time for her calls to cease. She has known about his relationship with me for the last 2 1/2 years , i was Not the cause of his break up. She is vile and vindictive towards me also, i have given him an ultimatum this weekend .....
<lets not go down the Your a slave Just put up with it > either me or her..........
I say this to Him, because i can see the damage she does to Him, and of course it rubs off on our relationship.
What, if anything more do i or should i do ?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Help...........Please - 3/15/2010 8:47:35 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Ultimatums do not usually do good things for relationships.  I would be recanting that right away.  The problem with an ultimatum is that any "progress" you get out of it is fabricated.  If he hasn't processed his issues regarding his ex wife and made the decision himself to move on for his own compelling reasons, then he is likely to wind up going back or resenting you for "making" him shut her out before he was ready.  It doesn't matter how good and noble your intentions are.  It is extremely rare to have it work out where he will have a lightbulb moment and thank you.  I have been down this path myself, with family and friends, and even people whom I happen along in life.  The worst part is that, for a shining space in time, the person really thought things had gotten better and that they were finally going to get a happily ever after.  The shock when it all came crashing down was unbearable to witness.  It was even worse to live through myself.

The only things that are proper for you to do is to comfort him when he has these skirmishes and to let him know that you do not want to be placed in a position of taking a part of her wrath yourself.  He has no business letting his ex wife make your life miserable.  There need be no communication between his ex and you.  She doesn't need to do things that impact you both directly.  It is enough that you have his stress and emotions falling on your doorstep without any direct nonsense from her.  I'd also be careful just how comforting I was.  It seems like the right thing to do and the loving thing to do, but it is also something that can enable him to continue doing this unhealthy tryst with his ex wife.  It is a delicate balance between holding the person accountable and being a good partner, but you have to strike it for both of your well being.

In the end, how much can you take?  Some folks never kick their exes out of their lives entirely.  Some can't for various reasons.  Can you deal with the drama or is it wearing thin with you?  Only you know for sure.  I would recommend that you keep an eye on your well being too.  If you can't handle all this and he isn't able to or doesn't put the fights with his ex to a stop, then you have few choice left.  Remember, if he loses the relationship with you over this, it is his doing.  You do your best and then that is all you can do.  If he doesn't meet you in the middle and do his part, there's nothing more you can do.  I wish you the best and hope this is something that can have a positive resolution. 

lovingpet 

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RE: Help...........Please - 3/15/2010 8:47:59 AM   
Domin8tingUrDrmz


Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
Status: offline 		You said he has children with his exwife. Even though they are now adults, he likely still has to maintain contact with her due to the children they share. You simply cannot expect him to neglect his duties as a father.

While she may be overstepping her bounds, and he should assert those boundaries more clearly, giving him an ultimatum really makes things difficult. He'll likely be more defensive toward you now, rather than actually hearing any suggestions you may have.

So now, you are likely stuck with having to actually live up to your words and leave if he isn't willing to assert boundaries with the ex wife. If you don't intend to follow through with the ultimatum, then any other time in the future you issue one, he won't take you seriously. And quite honestly, he shouldn't, if issuing ultimatums is your method of being heard, it winds up sounding like a tantrum rather than a strong desire to have this area of your relationship fixed.

If she is indeed interfering so much that you really feel the need to end the relationship over this, then by all means, leave. But if what you really want is for him to place a limit on her as to when she contacts him and her tone of discussion, there are better ways to address this issue.

Have you asked him if he has asked her to stop calling him at work? Have you suggested he tell her to only contact him in cases of emergencies dealing with the children? Have you asked him how he'd like to see the situation between him and her resolved (if he even does want a resolution)?



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RE: Help...........Please - 3/15/2010 9:05:12 AM   
Wolf2Bear


Posts: 3204
Joined: 9/6/2009
Status: offline 		Putting aside the fact that you are in a M/s dynamic, it is ultimately your owner's choice to determine the extent of contact his ex wife has with him. Issuing ultimatums, in my experience, is guaranteed to backfire. Yes his ex wife will and probably sees you as competition in some form. It will be up to him to realize that his ex's demand for his time is putting a serious strain on your relationship and he has to make a conscious choice to determine where his priorities lie.

eta: the person who issues the ultimatum inevitably gets results though not how the expected and in most cases they lose everything.


< Message edited by Wolf2Bear -- 3/15/2010 9:07:17 AM >

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RE: Help...........Please - 3/15/2010 9:50:12 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		You willingly entered into a relationship with a man who has three children by another woman. You have willingly chosen to enter into the role of the slave in this relationship. He, by your own admission, is stressed because of the communication that she initiates upon him.

And your deduction as to how to better the situation, as a slave no less, is to demand he do as you say so that you can feel better??


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RE: Help...........Please - 3/15/2010 10:01:18 AM   
DarlingSavage


Posts: 2808
Joined: 9/18/2009
Status: offline 		Never mind, I misread. Had a dyslexic moment.

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RE: Help...........Please - 3/15/2010 10:07:19 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		You shouldn't place ultimatums or interject yourself within their relationship.
If you want to help, be a sounding board if he feels the need to discuss it and be a source of stress relief for him.
You involving yourself in this only adds to his stress because it really isn't any of your business.
Give him a nice long massage and just be supportive.

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RE: Help...........Please - 3/15/2010 10:24:08 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

And your deduction as to how to better the situation, as a slave no less, is to demand he do as you say so that you can feel better??



As I read it, that's not quite it, but it certainly looks that way.  He is stressed and she sees that this is unhealthy for him, the relationship, and herself.  Initially this likely started as her offering herself as the scapegoat for him to break off this kind of communication with his ex wife.  I have done that.  Blame me.  Do what you need to do for your own benefit and feel free to blame me for it.  That didn't work in this case.  At this point she is being hurt by this situation too, and there is no guaranteeing she knew it would be this way going in.  I expect that life situations of my partner will impact me.  I do not expect that when clear harm is being done by them to me that he is going to sit by and let me be harmed by HIS issues.  That is part of that whole protection thing too.  Sometimes he even has to protect me from himself and his own shortcomings.  I do not envy the responsibility that comes with being a dominant.  It is a hard thing to check yourself and manage yourself to keep from unduly harming your partner.  I have the same responsibility on the submissive side though.

While he is in need of comforting and less drama from her, he does have a responsibility here.  She lost it and issued an ultimatum.  That is no good no matter how it's cut whether there is M/s involved or not.  It just makes it all the worse.  The problem here is that in serving someone well it isn't always best to serve in the way they want.  I would not be serving him well if he were grabbing his chest complaining of pain and I just snuggled up to him and said he was right to not want to go to the hospital.  It's the same balancing act here.  How does a girl keep in her submissive place and serve her partner when he's being destructive to himself, the relationship, her, or all of these?  It's not easy.  She didn't come up with remotely the right answer, but I think her intentions were not actually selfish... at least entirely.

lovingpet   

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RE: Help...........Please - 3/15/2010 10:46:48 AM   
osf


Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline 		slave?

ultimatum?

and to think i used to think i understood this

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RE: Help...........Please - 3/15/2010 10:52:04 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		Regardless of those who have commented including the power dynamic in your relationship, that power dynamic really doesn't mean anything here. This is a relationship issue, and from the sound of things, you are in an intimate relationship with this man.

As D8UD said, you knowingly got involved with a man who had children with another woman. She will ALWAYS be part of his life because of those children. You don't say how old they are, but there is college, weddings, holidays, grandchildren, baptisms/brises, on and on. Your issuing an ultimatum that it is her or you is really, in a sense, saying his children or you. So guess what? You are going to lose or he isn't a man worth having anyway.

You don't mention how long they have been divorced, and yes it does make a difference. I get the sense that the divorce isn't that "old." There is a process that everyone goes through, and everyone deals with things differently. The reason they divorced is also pertinent. Even though he is "annoyed" and "stressed" by these phone calls, he also still accepts them. I suspect they were married for a long time and although the marriage ends, it can be hard sometimes to not want to discuss every little thing with the person you spent years discussing things with.

You talk about her injecting negativity and being "vile and vindictive" to you, but you don't say "how." If he doesn't want her calling him at work, he needs to stop taking her calls. It is completely within his ability to do so. The fact that you say she has "known about you" your relationship for the last 2 1/2 years, but you "weren't the cause of the breakup," kind of says that you and him got together while they were separated, but not completely divorced. So guess what? In her mind, you ARE the cause of things, like it or not. Two and a half years is not a very long time to get over a long marriage, or a long relationship, especially one involving children.

Under what circumstances does she even have the opportunity to be "vile and vindictive" towards you? How do you react? How does your partner react? My experience has been that the vileness tends to go both ways.

The reality is that at your age, it is nearly impossible for you to become involved with a man who doesn't have a "past." However, you chose to become involved with a man who was recently separated/divorced, and who has children that will keep his ex in his life forever. You can either handle that or you can't. In time, things will likely improve, although her feelings towards you will remain hostile in all liklihood. Can you live your life that way? If you can, then explain to your partner that while you want to be with him and you want to help in whatever way you can, it bothers you to see him so stressed and ask what you can do to help. If you can't deal with it, then leave.

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RE: Help...........Please - 3/15/2010 10:52:45 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

slave?

ultimatum?

and to think i used to think i understood this


Anybody?

Ultimatum?

And to think I used to think I understood human relationships.

lovingpet

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RE: Help...........Please - 3/15/2010 10:55:01 AM   
Cdub2U


Posts: 69
Joined: 9/20/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

Ultimatums do not usually do good things for relationships. ...
lovingpet 


When I have been given an ultimatum I have ALWAYS gone for the "or else".

My feeling is that no one, and I mean "no one" has the ability to order me to do anything I do now wish to do. Now the smart people that know me will always 'ask' me to do something for them. To those people I will generally give them the shirt off my back!




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RE: Help...........Please - 3/15/2010 10:56:13 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

You shouldn't place ultimatums or interject yourself within their relationship.
If you want to help, be a sounding board if he feels the need to discuss it and be a source of stress relief for him.
You involving yourself in this only adds to his stress because it really isn't any of your business.
Give him a nice long massage and just be supportive.


This.

OP, it is up to HIM to deal with her and THEIR children. Not you.


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RE: Help...........Please - 3/15/2010 11:10:27 AM   
ncbabe


Posts: 1060
Joined: 4/19/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chiara

What, if anything more do i or should i do ?



Retract your ultimatum.  Sit down with him and have an adult to adult discussion where you state your concerns clearly and calmly, and then shut up and listen to his perspective.  Really listen to it and digest it.  Put yourself in his position and work with him, not against him.  Remember that this is not an argument, it is a means to resolve the situation.  And then give things a chance to work out.  If they don't you always have the option to leave, slave or no slave.  Just take responsibility for that decision yourself, don't go making out that he is the one who made you do it.

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RE: Help...........Please - 3/15/2010 12:44:36 PM   
Nslavu


Posts: 342
Joined: 2/1/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chiara

An owned slave living with her Master , he has been married, 3 adult children .
The ex wife is continually on the phone to Master  while at work and it adds to His already stressful job.
I have suggested that because all she does is drain him and inject him with negativity that perhaps its time for her calls to cease. She has known about his relationship with me for the last 2 1/2 years , i was Not the cause of his break up. She is vile and vindictive towards me also, i have given him an ultimatum this weekend .....
<lets not go down the Your a slave Just put up with it > either me or her..........
I say this to Him, because i can see the damage she does to Him, and of course it rubs off on our relationship.
What, if anything more do i or should i do ?



FFS... if you think you are better for him, then BE better for him. How is stressing him or ultimatums going to be better?

Your need to usurp the other woman (who is already gone, so you clearly have an advantage) is extraneous bullshit. Forget about her and BE the better woman for him.

edit-

I had to add, I disagree with the sit down and talk idea (other than to retract the stupid fucking ultimatum) There is no need to communicate here. There is need to just fucking BE the best one. There are a lot of times when it's best to stfu and be.






< Message edited by Nslavu -- 3/15/2010 12:52:11 PM >

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RE: Help...........Please - 3/15/2010 12:56:16 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nslavu

quote:

ORIGINAL: chiara

An owned slave living with her Master , he has been married, 3 adult children .
The ex wife is continually on the phone to Master  while at work and it adds to His already stressful job.
I have suggested that because all she does is drain him and inject him with negativity that perhaps its time for her calls to cease. She has known about his relationship with me for the last 2 1/2 years , i was Not the cause of his break up. She is vile and vindictive towards me also, i have given him an ultimatum this weekend .....
<lets not go down the Your a slave Just put up with it > either me or her..........
I say this to Him, because i can see the damage she does to Him, and of course it rubs off on our relationship.
What, if anything more do i or should i do ?



FFS... if you think you are better for him, then BE better for him. How is stressing him or ultimatums going to be better?

Your need to usurp the other woman (who is already gone, so you clearly have an advantage) is extraneous bullshit. Forget about her and BE the better woman for him.

edit-

I had to add, I disagree with the sit down and talk idea (other than to retract the stupid fucking ultimatum) There is no need to communicate here. There is need to just fucking BE the best one. There are a lot of times when it's best to stfu and be.




Fast reply: I haven't even read the OP yet. I just want to say I really like this post.

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RE: Help...........Please - 3/15/2010 1:15:28 PM   
ncbabe


Posts: 1060
Joined: 4/19/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nslavu

FFS... if you think you are better for him, then BE better for him. How is stressing him or ultimatums going to be better?

Your need to usurp the other woman (who is already gone, so you clearly have an advantage) is extraneous bullshit. Forget about her and BE the better woman for him.

edit-

I had to add, I disagree with the sit down and talk idea (other than to retract the stupid fucking ultimatum) There is no need to communicate here. There is need to just fucking BE the best one. There are a lot of times when it's best to stfu and be.



I agree with the whole 'just be the best' thing but stand by my suggestion of talking.  Communication between them seems to be lacking and some clear statements of their respective positions would be a good start.  Also, the emphasis is on her listening to him, which she needs to do if she is going to just be the best and quietly support him while he figures his shit out.

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Help...........Please - 3/15/2010 1:19:27 PM   
Fitznicely


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		Regardless of dynamic, once ultimatums enter into the mix, the death knell is sounding.

You, OP, are asking him to choose between you and his kids. Don't confuse the issue, the ex-wife is incidental she will always be scathing and bitter, and it's HIS job to deal with her. Your job, if you have one for long, is to be the instrument of his relaxation when the ex hangs up.

Take back the ultimatum, you won't win.


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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Help...........Please - 3/15/2010 1:31:27 PM   
Nslavu


Posts: 342
Joined: 2/1/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ncbabe

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nslavu

FFS... if you think you are better for him, then BE better for him. How is stressing him or ultimatums going to be better?

Your need to usurp the other woman (who is already gone, so you clearly have an advantage) is extraneous bullshit. Forget about her and BE the better woman for him.

edit-

I had to add, I disagree with the sit down and talk idea (other than to retract the stupid fucking ultimatum) There is no need to communicate here. There is need to just fucking BE the best one. There are a lot of times when it's best to stfu and be.



I agree with the whole 'just be the best' thing but stand by my suggestion of talking.  Communication between them seems to be lacking and some clear statements of their respective positions would be a good start.  Also, the emphasis is on her listening to him, which she needs to do if she is going to just be the best and quietly support him while he figures his shit out.



My point is this (because I am a major supporter of communication) However in this case ...Talking with her about her and the his ex keeps him in the middle of a pussy fight. Unless he feeds off that shit ( I wouldn't) that is just more stress for him. (the same stress as giving an ultimatum)

Let me illustrate my point by example-

I have two bitches

One is nagging the fuck out me and generally making my life miserable (and cuz of kids I am somewhat stuck with her for awhile).
The other is sucking my cock, licking my balls, picking up after me and generally making my life rather sweet.

Example two-

I have two bitches

One is nagging the fuck out me and generally making my life miserable (and cuz of kids I am somewhat stuck with her for awhile).
The other is nagging the fuck out of me with her bs and whining and ultimatums (which btw is an emotional power play), and making my life miserable -(she is expendable)

duh.

I am a big fan of communicating, but seriously there are times when communication just irritates an already festering boil so I say stfu and be the best girl.


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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Help...........Please - 3/15/2010 1:40:59 PM   
Nslavu


Posts: 342
Joined: 2/1/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Fitznicely

Regardless of dynamic, once ultimatums enter into the mix, the death knell is sounding.



Truth Fitz

She ought to be retracting that ultimatum and sucking cock until her mouth has the shape of a 12 foot vacuum hose and even then the emotional blackmail attempt can't be undone. Odds on recovery?






(in reply to Fitznicely)
Profile   Post #: 20
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