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ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

Thank you for all the replies. Were there any that replied that initially thought of themselves as Dominant or submissive and then went through a mental transition to Master or slave and what changed in your thinking when you made that change? Did anything become more important to you, less important? Was there a different sense of responsibility, freedom?

Thank you in advance for your replies.

heartfelt

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ORIGINAL: Dominasola
but my primary concern is the person him/herself, not the dynamic he or she may prescribe to.

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ORIGINAL: wisdomtogive

Hello Heartfeltsub
Why M/s? Prior to Sir bring me to live with him, he had me doing a lot, and i mean a lot, of assignments, where I had to assess who i was and what i needed in this type of lifestyle relationship. Sir was a bit surprised to discover that who i am is more of a slave. I really do not enjoy controlling another, and give me a little rope, I get lost.

Now with that said, let me voice something to you. I know you have heard this and are aware of, but perhaps you might want to think about it some more? No 2 M/s relationship have the same dynamic. Sir is not a Master who enjoys micromanaging His slave. Sir wants a slave who can carry on without Him over her shoulders 24/7. This slave would not blossom under micromanaging. Yes there are times, when he needs to direct me more then others, but not all the time.  Not all Masters are so dogmatic in how they master either. You will find a variety out there. What I am saying is don't get swept away with how can i serve a master, but embrace the idea, the right Master that compliments my personality I could serve well...even to the point of being a slave, if I choose this path.

Blessings
wisdom

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ORIGINAL: Shyla

Hi heartfelt,

I hope that you are still interested in replies to your question :)  I "chose" an M/s relationship because I don't know how to interact with the people around me any other way.  The "M" in my relationship gives me the guidance and leadership that I need.  The easy word to use here is "control" - in the sense of "I need to be controlled to be fulfilled" but it isn't that simple.  He *inspires* me to do everything that he wishes me to do, so the control is on a much more intrinsic level.  He is the safest place that I can be, so his control comes from the fact that I *need* the safety and reassurance of his presence on a level so deep that I will modify my own behavior to conform to his desires in an effort to enhance his happiness, and thus my own security.

I need that security because it is, quite simply, impossible for me to interact in the world as an "equal".  I say "thank you" to the person at the drive through because they were kind enough to give me their time and take my order.  I hold doors for strangers because it feels like the right thing to do.  I have conversations with the cashiers at Wal-Mart while they ring up my purchases because they're bored and want someone to talk to at least for a few moments.  That's just how I *am*.   Chalk it up to genetics or upbringing or a combination of both, but when one walks through the world attempting to define the wants and desires of almost every person one meets and then attempting to fulfill them if at all possible, an M type does become somewhat necessary at some point :)  With him I am a sane and normal person and it is perfectly alright to view the world the way that I do.  Without him, the world is a big scary place that may very well attempt to eat me whole even as I try to feed it, and I am a strange freak.

Every relationship that I have been in, going back to the boy I lost my virginity to at 15, has had underpinnings dominance and submission, except one.  Of course, that's why I'm getting divorced and moving across the pond soon.  I hope that my answer has been constructive, perhaps even helpful :)

Regards,
shyla

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ORIGINAL: wisdomtogive

I can feel me still too, even as a slave. I am still in tact, which was a fear of mine. If i let go i will lose me. I feared that as a submissive, and it didnt happen, and I feared that in the beginning as a slave, and it didn't happen. What happen? I feel like i can fly. I am learning that i am more then i thought. I am learning that i am free to be the expression that suits me best...slave to Sir, Goddess, my work, my creativity, to serve with compassion. Is it a struggle? Yes, one i would take over again, if I needed too, because the rewards is really undescribable.

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ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

Simple.... Connectedness that I feel in this style of relationship is achieved to a degree that I don't think I could achieve in any other way. It's a means to an end!

Note... the connectedness is not only to my two girls... but to my own self and my girls to themselves! I see them as equally important to have the thriving relationship we have.

I have found the more we have embraced this relationship structure the more it has enriched ourselves and our lives. Now... this is only because who we are as individuals and not because this relationship style is the way to go. Our own authentic self-identification makes this relationship style the most effective to meet an internally motivated need to feel connected outside of ourselves. I truly expect that such a relationship style would be a disaster for some... and have seen it happen!

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ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven

i have always known that i was meant to be a slave - from my earliest childhood fantasies, i was "kept" by a man for his fun and pleasure. i realized very early on in life that my purpose is pleasure, and pleasing, and that that is meant for one man - my Owner.

i did go through a "vanilla" marriage when i was young, because while i grew up knowing my purpose, i didn't know that people actually "lived like this" (i grew up in a conservative family). In my mid-20s when i discovered M/s (God bless the internet), i had a MAJOR epiphany - and an overwhelming sense of relief! - that there were "others like me." So when i divorced my ex-husband for non-BDSM reasons, i went straight into slavery, and never looked back. And i have been amazingly, amazingly happy since. My first M/s relationship lasted 5 years, and ended only when my ex Master experienced both the death of his Father and the collapse of his career (he's a Wall Street guy) and he spiraled into a deep depression i was helpless to help him out of - ultimately he just needed to rebuild, and start over. We remain great friends.....and here i am today, happy, and enjoying each day as i slowly find my next - and hopefully last - Owner.

So i never went through a "submissive" period - i have always been slave. And for me, the reason why i do it is because of that deep, deep rooted need inside of me to please, and to serve a man, and for him to keep me, all of me, with nothing held back. The concept of placing all the pieces of "me" on a table and then dividing them up and saying "well, you can have these pieces right here, but not these, i'm keeping these for myself" and then hiding those pieces in a corner and protecting them from the man in my life is completely alien to me. i either give him everything - or nothing. And it is scary, and thrilling, and wonderful, all at the same time. But oh, what a ride. And i'm about to do it again. i wouldn't live my life any other way.

i've said to friends in the past, "Sometimes in order to get what you most want in life, you have to be willing to give up everything else first." Often they don't understand. But it is really, really true.

i'm loving your posts - thank you for sharing with us!

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ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

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ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven
i'm loving your posts - thank you for sharing with us!

Raven,

Thank you for your reply and your kind words (smiling). Although i have been submissive all my life, because of a rather, hmmmmm, interesting childhood, i learned that i had to protect myself, i had to hide the pieces of me that were most fragile and keep them away from those who would use them to destroy me. That may be why i have taken a more convoluted journey towards slavery, that need for self-protection. i can now see that keeping those pieces back, keeping the surrender something other than complete out of fear is allowing the people who wounded me to win and i simply will not allow that to happen. Hence these interesting posts, gathering information, working out my thoughts, using all of you kind folks as sounding boards.

Thank you again so much for your reply,

heartfelt

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ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

This is an interesting question. First.... I think it really depends on how you define these terms.

Dominant or submissive can be a reflection of personality and not particular to a role within a relationship. Even though I might be regarded as Master to my girls... I am still a Dominant personality. In fact... awareness and self-identification of my Dominant personality was critical from evolving from one label to another.. but it wasn't Dominant to Master... It was Husband to Master!

I Married Alandra just about 20 years ago. Our defintion of Husband and Wife was very not very much aligned with times... go back to the 50's and you would have a closer idea of what our defintions where. We new and felt our relationship was different to most. In fact... we identified closer in those long ago days to Alandra's German Grandparents than we did any other relationships. In those times we just identified our relationship as Traditional or Old-fashion. Husband ruled and Wife served. It was that simple. I can still remember my mom pushing Alandra to spend money when she took her shopping here or there. I can still see the frustration on Alandra's face after those days. My mom was determined to bring Alandra to the times!!!!

It was several years later when we became aware of this lifestyle and all the labels and defintions. In fact... it was Alandra that discovered a web site and some write up of a person's dynamic that had more similiarities to our relationship than any other relationship we had become familiar with to that date. We naturally began to look deeper.

Now the transition was not all that difficult in fact.. .it was rather... anti-climatic. It was a simple as changing clothes. The fact was at it's core of our relationship we had already been living this way... and after awhile of understanding the definitions that existed... it became clear that in this lifestyle that the labels in this lifestyle to describe us was in alignment to Master and slave than anything else. Accepting these labels didn't bring the sun up or change us in any significant way. We just continued to evolve as a relationship and on the hunt for Kyra... who we did not discover for many years!

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ORIGINAL: Dominasola

Although I could never say why I *want* an M/s relationship - as I have never actively wanted one - I CAN say why it works for me.

My current relationship is the first one that feels whole.  All of my previous relationships were extremely one sided and empty; I have always been a people-pleaser, and I functioned in that way in my *vanilla* relationships too. But the work that I put into every single relationship fell on deaf ears.  My efforts were constantly rejected, dismissed, ignored.  I would eventually just give up, and sometimes give in to the laziness and untrustfulness that they exhibited with respect to our relationship. I've always been extremely transparent in relationships, and can't exist in one that does not appreciate and nurture that transparency.

But now that I am in an M/s dynamic...it's like symmetry. My natural tendency to submit, and his natural tendency to be the leader are able to balance each other out and result in a harmonious relationship. I am able to be transparent and give myself completely to him because he recognizes it, accepts it, nurtures it, and reciprocates it.  It is the balance and the harmony that feed me; chaos and imbalance cause me great anxiety.

As an added thought:  I DON'T necessarily want an M/s relationship...I just want my relationship with HIM. If I were to ever, for whatever reason, find myself unattached in the future, I wouldn't end up actively seeking a relationship in which the M/s dynamic exists.  I would simply try to find someone who is able to produce the same level of transparency and vulnerability that I naturally give.  Perhaps only people who (intentionally or not) identify as *Masters* are able to do that (although, I don't necessarily believe that), but my primary concern is the person him/herself, not the dynamic he or she may prescribe to.

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ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

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ORIGINAL: Dominasola
but my primary concern is the person him/herself, not the dynamic he or she may prescribe to.

From My perspective, same thing..... There are certain things I require in order to be Myself FULLY in a relationship, only someone compatible with those things is going to be a match with Me.... those things are only to be found within what I know to be an M/s Dynamic.

I don't need that person to know that's what they need, I just need them to need it... I can help them understand it along the way.

But also not every slave is going to be compatible with Me, because who the person is IS more than just those small but important aspects and who they are as a whole person is what attracts Me to one and has Me walk right by another even if they are equally 'slave'

I just tend to look for the 'slave' part first in a place like this, because it is the easiest measure to use when getting the numbers down to a level where I can take time to look at the individual people.

Out in the real world, it is the person who catches My eye and the presence of the 'slave' part that will mean I find that compatibility. What I can't do is over-rule My need for the 'slave' part just because I find the rest of the person attractive... because I can't connect on that deeper level if I haven't got that 'total' control/Authority.