quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

Andalusite,

For you, it was the person, not the dynamic as well. Would that be correct?

heartfelt

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

Andalusite,

For you, it was the person, not the dynamic as well. Would that be correct?

heartfelt

i am 100% certain that it is always the person (not wanting to speak for Adalusite here) by answering youre question to her.  but in a way the dynamic is the person, they are the one directing it - if the person and the dynamic they develop around you the individual, taking on board all that you are, all that youre fearful of and all that you wish to give, then youre home and dry.

quote:

ORIGINAL: wisdomtogive

Heartfeltsub
I really do feel the need to commend you for doing all these threads. In my opinion, it takes a lot of strength to put yourself out like this.I wish that I could say I do not know the fear you speak of, but I do.

I am proud of you for not letting fear be your Master, yet the journey is very difficult. What I want to say is whatever direction you end up taking may you find the type of Dominant who has really Master themselves and can cherish the submissive within you. In the mean time, what are doing, working within to see how to tick is marvelous.

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ORIGINAL: Dominasola

As an added thought:  I DON'T necessarily want an M/s relationship...I just want my relationship with HIM. If I were to ever, for whatever reason, find myself unattached in the future, I wouldn't end up actively seeking a relationship in which the M/s dynamic exists.  I would simply try to find someone who is able to produce the same level of transparency and vulnerability that I naturally give.  Perhaps only people who (intentionally or not) identify as *Masters* are able to do that (although, I don't necessarily believe that), but my primary concern is the person him/herself, not the dynamic he or she may prescribe to.

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ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

I have not read all the replies to this...

I did not choose M/s; I chose him. I don't know any other way of interacting with him other than to do his will. Even if it isn't a choice that I would have made myself, it is much more fulfilling to do his will than it is to make my own choices.

It is his character that made me want to be in a relationship with him. The fact that the relationship is M/s is really secondary to who he is as a person.

Knight's Kyra

quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

We don't get into a d/s m/s style relationship because of someone else's character we get into it because of our own character and and seek consciously or subcutaneously a complimentary character

Some, before becoming aware may be in a relationship and serendipitously find that the other person is exactly what they need, anyway it is we ourselves that drive us.

I don't think we can be created by someone else, we can only become aware or awakened by someone.

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ORIGINAL: lovingpet

quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

We don't get into a d/s m/s style relationship because of someone else's character we get into it because of our own character and and seek consciously or subcutaneously a complimentary character

Some, before becoming aware may be in a relationship and serendipitously find that the other person is exactly what they need, anyway it is we ourselves that drive us.

I don't think we can be created by someone else, we can only become aware or awakened by someone.

But that's not what makes it "okay".  I can need an M/s dynamic knowingly or unknowingly, but unless my partner is of good character and someone I can trust and open myself to in that way, it really isn't going to matter.  What makes it okay is that I know I am safe to be that vulnerable and to let go of that much control.  That is why it can even be an M/s dynamic.  Honestly, the measure of how much I can submit is how much I trust.  How much I trust is completely dependent upon the person's character. 

lovingpet     

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ORIGINAL: lovingpet

~FR~  without reading responses intentionally 

It is a funny question to me in that I never really wanted the M/s dynamic.  I probably still wouldn't if it were that same abstraction that I had in my head only about a month ago.  My partner had called me "slave" for a long time already, but I didn't claim it myself.  As a matter of fact, I was on here posting thread after thread of all the reasons why not and how that term just didn't fit me.  The notion in my head was that so much of me, who I am, what I love in life, and more would just be gone upon accepting a slave designation.  I felt like it was a very heavy word that carried with it an extremism that scared me along with feeling like it was higher in the submissive "pecking order" than I ever thought I could or even wanted to attain.  I had a lot of concerns about being lesser, unequal, incompetent, and other such things due to the level of control I seemed to be finding myself needing.  I wasn't comfortable with it at all and was truly terrified by the whole thing.  I was afraid of not meeting his expectations.  I was afraid of there being some kind of sudden change in him and our relationship that would send me down a path that I couldn't handle.  I was afraid of losing my way to the point of never being able to get out if such a time came.  Yes, if that abstract concept of slave were still in my head I would still be fighting it with every fiber of my being.

Something in the whole paradigm shifted for me about a month ago.  It was a sudden shift and not even a light bulb moment thing either.  The whole mystery was wrapped up in just who this person is that controls me.  It determines how I respond to him.  I think when the fit is right and you are finally absolutely sure of the fact that the person is good, responsible, and maybe even in love, it changes everything.  I finally had all the confirmation I needed in that moment and all of a sudden I knew that my fears were misplaced, that I DID know his expectations, and that I was only the more valued in his eyes instead of disrespected.  I knew I could trust him with anything and everything.  That made whatever this thing was that we had together okay.

We attach a lot of things to certain word.  I am not one to like labels all that much, so it is so strange that this one got so overloaded with meaning in the first place.  In the end, I don't care what my designation is.  I am happily his and that's all that matters to me now.

lovingpet 

quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

We don't get into a d/s m/s style relationship because of someone else's character we get into it because of our own character and and seek consciously or subcutaneously a complimentary character

Some, before becoming aware may be in a relationship and serendipitously find that the other person is exactly what they need, anyway it is we ourselves that drive us.

I don't think we can be created by someone else, we can only become aware or awakened by someone.

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

... just from the posts on this page i realised something cognitavely that i know i already knew but had not seen it in black and white, but it is such an important point and so valid

people get so wrapped up in finding a Dominant or a submissive rather than a person.  they get caught up with all the labels and what they are and how they should respond, according to the label they percieve to be most attuned to and seek to find the Domination or submission most suited to them and up to a point thats important, of course - but not to the detrminent or the forgetting that first and foremost its the human being you must relate to first.

i used to be one who thought labels were important, it helped us to identify who we were, as much to ourselves as anything.  the pride of being a submissive woman and carrying that title (kinda thing). 

then there are posts about 'how should i communicate on here' and 'im just being myself, but its not working'

we absorb the words written down here and take it all in as some sort of universal truth surrounding this world of ours.  but its just people finding their way through a myriad of misonceptions and contradictions.

i know that ive done my fair share of absorbing other peoples truths before finding my own - that takes time, because as we go we absorb other peoples perspectives and experiences and some of that colours our own path and approach and sometimes it distracts us away from what we think or believe.

this thread in a way is a perfect example of that - a brilliant thread btw, and ill join wisdom in her praise and gratitude for the threads you come up with hearty - but even so, youre path, youre way, learning from others, you take what you need, discard the rest, apply it to youre horizon and on you go.

but in the end it eventually boils down to what we already know.  boy meets girl, they get on, they share similar interests, goals and dreams, they give it their best shot

what im trying to say hearty, is that when you meet a man you like and enjoy being with and he likes you and enjoys being with you none of this matters beyond what you two wish to build for each other.

you mentioned earlier or somewhere else that its the fear of making the wrong choice - well, get in the boat with me hunny - i can tell you some stories that would curl youre toes  - i guess alot of us could, but my history of wrong choices began long before i identified with this set up.

what youre doing is vital, because youre gradually understanding that titles mean nothing at all.  theyre just ways to identify with youreself and for others to identify with themselves.  forget the guys who hide behind the title Master, forget the title slave - in the end we are of a submissive personality, how far that submission might go, within the auspices of a good man who happens to be of a Dominant personality is up to you both.

it is a state of being that develops as the relationship develops and as you both grow and learn together.  its not something to be fearful of so long as you dont get youreself tangled up with a 'kneel bitch or ill beat you' type.

the guys that have got my submission are the ones that have instilled trust and faith in their decision making, my enslavement to them was not dragged from me, i gave it, willingly because i felt safe to do so.  beyond that relationships work or they dont work, but the premis was right, the emotions were right and im still in touch with the ones that meant the most to me.

all im trying to say, convolutedly is that you shouldnt be scared off by titles - only the ones who think that a title gives them the right to behave like asshats - but youre too smart for them anyway.

quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

Because i am in the process of highjacking my own thread, i would like to start another one to ask an additional question from both the M side and the s side. Why do you want an M/s relationship? What is it about that type of relationship dynamic that feeds you?

heartfelt