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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 3:42:22 PM   
NervousGrrl


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Status: offline 		Thank you so much everyone for your thoughtful responses.. you have helped more than you know

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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 3:43:47 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
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Status: offline 		I didn't want to try and help unless you were to pay me in advance.

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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 3:50:00 PM   
brainiacsub


Posts: 1209
Joined: 11/11/2007
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline 		FR to Merc:

Except for the "keeping track of who's winning" remark and giving ATM cards and PINS out on first date, you used alot of words to say what I did.

I never said that individuals shouldn't work together for the betterment of the couple, but the OP was a special circumstance to that principle.

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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 4:21:00 PM   
Mercnbeth


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quote:

ORIGINAL: brainiacsub
FR to Merc:

Except for the "keeping track of who's winning" remark and giving ATM cards and PINS out on first date, you used alot of words to say what I did.

I never said that individuals shouldn't work together for the betterment of the couple, but the OP was a special circumstance to that principle.
It seems incongruous that we have said the same thing, or have the same philosophy, considering these representations you've made:
"a pre-nup is your friend."
"it tends to affect women disproportionately more negative than it does men."

These, especially the 'pre-nup' are self centered perspectives lacking confidence in the relationship. Working together for the betterment of the couple shouldn't be the result of a contractual obligation with the pre-nup stipulating the dissolution contractual obligations. Although I know many who represent they have to "work" on their relationship, I'd would think most would say working under a financial contract takes the concept a bit too far.

"I see this issue as something very different than the sacrifice and compromise we make daily in a healthy relationship. We aren't entitled to retribution when a thing goes south."
This "issue" is money. We are not saying the same thing if you differentiate it, especially to put it in a high priority, within the context of what we have to do "daily in a healthy relationship". It may be easier to track, but it is a lot less important than many other relationship issues.

I too; "... don't feel sorry for women - or men - who sacrifice all for the benefit of another and then boo hoo to the courts when they have nothing to show for their sacrifice when the relationship ends." However I do have a bit of empathy for those who, because they kept in mind a financial score card regarding every person they met, die rich and independent - alone.

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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 4:21:49 PM   
PrimalConsonance


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< Message edited by PrimalConsonance -- 4/19/2010 4:22:22 PM >

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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 4:26:23 PM   
leadership527


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
Then you are condemning the relationship to failure before it begins. You're keeping track of who's 'winning'; tracking what resources and assets are used. At some point, the arithmetic may result in the "I'm not getting back my investment" termination calculation.
bingo.

quote:

The most difficult aspect of eliminating this 'self' concept is overcoming the paranoia in doing so. I think the first weekend beth spent with me I gave her my ATM and PIN number. No matter how much money I had back then, her taking all of it would have been worth the monetary lose to find out she wasn't the person I believed her to be.
I did pretty much the same with Carol -- with the same reasoning. Money was just money. This was the person I was proposing to share my life with. Money just couldn't stack up to that.



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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 4:34:50 PM   
domiguy


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Status: offline 		Some people show a bit more discretion than that. Most people understand that as well.

There is no lack of respect or communication and the relationship certainly doesn't suffer.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 4/19/2010 4:38:47 PM >

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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 4:38:03 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
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Status: offline 		Let's be realistic here.  If the OP was really interested in her future financial security, she wouldn't be living beyond her means in the here-and-now.  If he is working full-time, she is working part-time and they are STILL relying mostly on her annuity; they are living beyond their means.  Her question wasn't posed, "what is the best course of action to take, to secure my financial future."  I point this out, not to criticize her, many many MANY people live beyond their means.  I point it out, to bring the focus back to what her post seemed to be asking.  Her question was, "how do I stay humble..."   She herself is acknowledging her concerns over her attitude, not the money.  I

It doesn't matter if she spends the money over time, to support their lifestyle, or if she invests the money in her current partner and future husband's education.  If her attitude and mentality remain along the lines of 'mine mine mine', then no matter the outcome, she will never see the money as invested but 'used' and by reflection herself used as well.  That, in my opinion, is a sad waste of emotional investment.

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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 4:40:19 PM   
chicagosub4u


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quote:

ORIGINAL: NervousGrrl

He works almost full time and goes to school full time, so he's hardly sitting on his ass, meanwhile I only work part time and don't go to school and don't make much, it's not like I earned this annuity, but when we are using what I imagine to be MY money to pay for our apartment and school and bills (he contributes all of what he makes at work, but still we mostly rely on the annuity) I get these ideas in my head that I shouldn't have to submit because we are using my money blah blah blah.



Run fast, run far, run, run, run.

Once you begin to have these feelings it's very to turn them around. You may want to wait on making things legal until he graduates and begins supporting you. I would also get it in writing that YOU are paying for the education and he should either pay you or "household fund" back.

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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 4:51:54 PM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		To me from the OP it sounds like its your father's money, not yours. Your father wanted that money to be specifically used for college, and since you didn't use it for same, its technically not yours -- but instead its whomever is going to school. If it bugs you this much, ask your dad or get the money transfered over to your fiance's name only.


I won't support a Man. However, it doesn't sound like you are supporting him as he contributes not only in his pay but also in going to school to hopefully be able to use his degree to benefit you both in the future.

All in all, since your father is saying he wants the money to go to your fiance, it doesn't sound like your father thinks of it as YOUR money, but his to determine how it is spent?

angel

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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 4:54:35 PM   
domiguy


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Joined: 5/2/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: chicagosub4u
Once you begin to have these feelings it's very to turn them around. You may want to wait on making things legal until he graduates and begins supporting you. I would also get it in writing that YOU are paying for the education and he should either pay you or "household fund" back.


You will pay for my beer!!! When I can no longer stand you shall drive me home.

You do these things because I told you that I would marry you.

You long for a day when I might sober up and pay for your beer.

You are so dumb.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 4/19/2010 4:58:56 PM >

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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 4:57:45 PM   
domiguy


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quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel

To me from the OP it sounds like its your father's money, not yours. Your father wanted that money to be specifically used for college, and since you didn't use it for same, its technically not yours -- but instead its whomever is going to school. If it bugs you this much, ask your dad or get the money transfered over to your fiance's name only.


Poor barely,

Nope...It sounded like it is pretty much her money to do as she sees fit. She is allowing her boyfriend / fiance to spend it on college so his education will hopefully help them both out down the road.

She is going to get soooooo screwed.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 4/19/2010 4:58:15 PM >

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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 5:20:39 PM   
DesFIP


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From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		OP, do you have a pre-nup saying in case of divorce he needs to repay this money. Because him draining your income and then going off with a higher educated girl is a very common scenario.

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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 5:51:12 PM   
Icarys


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quote:

thank you, kindly!

Your welcome.


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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 6:21:32 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
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Status: offline 		This is an FR.

So as I see it everyone here who says money means nothing in a relationship has never been divorced. Has never been "screwed" in a divorce and has never known any man who has financially jacked a woman around.

I understand that there is true love out there. I understand the couples stay together forever. I also understand that whether we like it or not, many things can change in 10-15 years.

Why I applaud all the heartfelt and most likely serious thoughts on the purity of a relationship, it seems a bit naive to me to assume someone will always take care of you.




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RE: Financially supporting your Dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 6:25:25 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		OP, your attitude sucks ass. How to change it? Replace the unwanted thoughts with the kind of thoughts you'd rather have. The concept is really that simple. How difficult or easy it is to change your thought process, is all up to you.


I agree with those who say its your father's money, not yours, since you refuse to go to school so he could not use it for what it was originally earmarked for. HE is financing your fiancé's education. NOT you. You need to get the fuck over yourself, and pull your head out of your ass.

I also agree that you are living beyond your means, and that there is a high likelihood statistically that your fiancé will leave you as soon as his education is complete. He is likely to become either bored stiff with you, or just fed up with you- or both-  because the whole time he was in school learning and growing, you stagnated- or got progressively worse.

Your fiance sounds like a great guy, and you sound like you have a fucked up attitude that may doom the marriage fairly quickly.

Jesus Christ, woman. Get some self esteem. Go to a trade school, or get a liberal arts degree, or something. Stop wasting your youth feeling inadequate, afraid and insecure.

I'm sorry to be so harsh, but I think you are an amazing, wonderful person, and you are (and have been for quite some time) wasting your vast potential. Stop it.

Wake up and smell the coffee.
 
 
 

< Message edited by dreamerdreaming -- 4/19/2010 6:26:08 PM >

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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 6:35:02 PM   
chicagosub4u


Posts: 67
Joined: 8/3/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

She is going to get soooooo screwed.


Yes, the OP is going to get screwed...and not in a good way.

Just think, she financed his education so now he will have a future and she will wind up asking the age old question, "would you like fries with that?"

I wonder if he will think fondly of her while he sits in his corner office sipping coffee?

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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 6:40:36 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		fr

It sounds like it is your father's annuity and he is spending it as he pleases.

If you are going to keep track of who does what in a relationship, it will lead to trouble.  Can you look at the annuity as a way of building a future for both of you?  Honestly, even though you do not seem interested in school, I would urge you to reconsider and get some training in a job skill, it can only help you, you can not predict the future and many relationships, built on best intentions, do not last.


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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 6:41:37 PM   
Jeffff


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Status: offline 		You are so nice!

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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 6:42:13 PM   
brainiacsub


Posts: 1209
Joined: 11/11/2007
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline 		Jeff, as a show of solidarity to our poly household, I am in agreement with both you and domi on this one. Just because we choose to be grownups and I expect you guys to wear bigboy pants in the relationship, doesn't mean that I value money more than people or commitment. I place a very high priority on protecting my partners interests in a relationship, and someone compatible with me would insist on protecting mine. If a prenup were part of that understanding, then I would have no problem with it, although I prefer they not be necessary. I wouldn't expect someone very young or entering in to a first marriage to understand this, but chances are people our age have already been to the cleaners once. It's nice to know that I am not alone on this.

Merc, If you and I were to ever marry, I would insist on a prenup that protects you and yours in the event of a divorce, not the other way around. You were wrong about me.

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