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I think she should worry about her education and independence before thinking about marriage.

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ORIGINAL: Icarys

[...]

How would you go about telling the OP to handle a plan?

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ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking


Having said that, I see a problem here that no one has addressed. OP, what do you mean, you aren't the college type, and you have a low paying job, etc, etc?

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ORIGINAL: brainiacsub

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ORIGINAL: Icarys

[...]

How would you go about telling the OP to handle a plan?

Well, since you bother to ask...I would give her the same advice I'd give my son and daughter who are both young adults like the OP.

Katy is right - work on getting your education and becoming independent before you even think about marriage. The number one reason for divorce among people who get married before the age of 25 is simply that they outgrow each other. In the case of the OP, he appears to be driven and goal oriented and she does not. Marriage cannot be a respite from the real world. Getting an education or learning a skill is not about having to financially contribute equally to a marriage. I have no problem if one person chooses to become a volunteer or stay at home and raise children, but being educated is about being a whole person, and relationships work best when two complete people become one.

I would have no problem allowing one of my children to use the money to further the education of their spouse. But if that spouse left the marriage before my child had an equal opportunity to pursue their goals and objectives or if the spouse insisted that my child not work outside the home, then I would insist the money be paid back along with a percentage of the earnings from that education. If my child choose not to advance their own personal circumstance given every opportunity and then the marriage ended, I would say they were shit out of luck.

If there marriage in fact worked out, then neither party is harmed by this advice. In fact, as a couple they would reap the rewards.

BTW, the bigboy pants remark was not a dig at you. It was in reference to Jeff and domi from our previous posts.

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Yes, we have. I wasn't the first in this thread, to mention it. Saying that she's not the college type is a cop-out. We all need to learn, to grow.

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ORIGINAL: Icarys

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Yes, we have. I wasn't the first in this thread, to mention it. Saying that she's not the college type is a cop-out. We all need to learn, to grow.

think that's up to her whether or not she needs to go to college. I for one didn't need college and I'm doing okay without it. It's not a necessity.

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ORIGINAL: leadership527
everything you have said about "Eric" is that he is not a lazy shiftless bastard.

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ORIGINAL: Jeffff
So as I see it everyone here who says money means nothing in a relationship has never been divorced. Has never been "screwed" in a divorce.

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brainiac said:
Merc, If you and I were to ever marry, I would insist on a prenup that protects you and yours in the event of a divorce, not the other way around. You were wrong about me.

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ORIGINAL: leadership527

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ORIGINAL: Jeffff
So as I see it everyone here who says money means nothing in a relationship has never been divorced. Has never been "screwed" in a divorce.

Not true Jeffff. I've been "screwed" by a woman in some fairly significant ways... moreso than most by far. I'd be willing to bet in money alone moreso than any other person posting on this thread. But what's that got to do with anything? From my perspective, the fundamental rules of relationships don't change simply because I chose poorly once.

When I get into a relationship, I'm playing to win all the cookies. Given that I want it all, there's really no other choice other than sit down at the table, take a close look at my hand, and go all-in or fold. There just plain isn't any way to win it all other than to risk it all. Any other play is an automatic loser. That kind of narrows down my choices nicely. I have no interest in playing half-in, half-out games. Go large or go home.

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brainiac said:
Merc, If you and I were to ever marry, I would insist on a prenup that protects you and yours in the event of a divorce, not the other way around. You were wrong about me.

You're chosen strategy, of course, is your own. Such a statement would automatically disqualify you as a potential partner for me. I play for keeps and I need my partner to do the same.

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ORIGINAL: Icarys
But that is a strategy of playing for keeps! She keeps what the pre-nup has written on it.

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You missed my point. She's using the excuse that she's not cut out for college, to avoid a structured course of study of any kind. Its a cop-out.

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ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

OP, your attitude sucks ass. How to change it? Replace the unwanted thoughts with the kind of thoughts you'd rather have. The concept is really that simple. How difficult or easy it is to change your thought process, is all up to you.


I agree with those who say its your father's money, not yours, since you refuse to go to school so he could not use it for what it was originally earmarked for. HE is financing your fiancé's education. NOT you. You need to get the fuck over yourself, and pull your head out of your ass.

I also agree that you are living beyond your means, and that there is a high likelihood statistically that your fiancé will leave you as soon as his education is complete. He is likely to become either bored stiff with you, or just fed up with you- or both-  because the whole time he was in school learning and growing, you stagnated- or got progressively worse.

Your fiance sounds like a great guy, and you sound like you have a fucked up attitude that may doom the marriage fairly quickly.

Jesus Christ, woman. Get some self esteem. Go to a trade school, or get a liberal arts degree, or something. Stop wasting your youth feeling inadequate, afraid and insecure.

I'm sorry to be so harsh, but I think you are an amazing, wonderful person, and you are (and have been for quite some time) wasting your vast potential. Stop it.

Wake up and smell the coffee.

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ORIGINAL: NervousGrrl
I have a structured annuity which is not funded by my father but was basically.. arranged by my father (long story) for the purpose of paying for me to go to college. It turns out I'm not the college type, but my partner and dom is, and my father wants the money to go to him to pay for his college. (lets call my dom Eric)

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ORIGINAL: leadership527

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ORIGINAL: Icarys
But that is a strategy of playing for keeps! She keeps what the pre-nup has written on it.

Actually, look again at what was quoted. As she wrote it, I would've kept whatever the pre-nup had written on it. She was wanting to protect her partner in this case, not protect herself. That's just as much of a no-win for me as the other way around.

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ORIGINAL: ownedbyPF

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ORIGINAL: NervousGrrl
I have a structured annuity which is not funded by my father but was basically.. arranged by my father (long story) for the purpose of paying for me to go to college. It turns out I'm not the college type, but my partner and dom is, and my father wants the money to go to him to pay for his college. (lets call my dom Eric)

To the OP~
I think if you look at this portion underlined you might see that while the money may not have come from your father, he is the one who controlls it. You may have given it to him, but at that point it was his to control. He decided it should be used for college. He decided he wanted the money to go for Eric's school when you didn't want to go to school. Maybe you had to ask him, but still, you had to ask, you didn't just say... "Dad, this is what we are doing instead." It became a college fund... no longer yours to say... "nah I'm gonna buy a way cool car instead." It isn't your money anymore. Regardless of how you came about the money, it was turned into a college fund for your father to manage, not you. So, look at it from that perspective.... it isn't yours anymore, it's your Dad's and it's Eric's.

As to the college thing itself... I'm not a college kinda person either. Despite almost everyone in my family, including my Master, holding everything from a couple of BA's to a PHD. What can I say? I'm not cut out for it and at 39 that hasn't changed. That doesn't mean however that I'm not cut out for a structured life. In fact I need a huge amount of structure in my life. It's way too much of a leap to say that one has to do with another.
~s

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ORIGINAL: domiguy

Since you are not overly educated it would be wise to understand that which you are talking about.

Here is the dealio kids....You probably might want to leave this one to people that might have some knowledge in this area. Ya know some of that thar learnin shit.

An Annuity is a lump sum of money or a reward that has been converted for a series of future payments. The annuity in this case appears that it has been "structured" which would lead one to believe that the op is currently receiving these funds regardless of whether she goes to school or not.. Once the payments have been turned "on" the terms cannot be usually altered.

She repeatedly stated that it is "her" money and that is where she feels a bit of the sting....Her dad "wants" the money to be utilized to help pay for "eric's" education but the op has the final say.

I can understand her dad's sentiments in that by helping out Eric, his future job and income potential might benefit the op as well.