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Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/8/2010 11:13:40 PM

jbcurious

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I'm finding that understanding the motivation behind the avtivities in a potential partner makes a huge difference for me and can change how desirable or acceptable something is. Maybe it isn't very subby of me but the idea that someone does something to me or has me do something simply because "he can"... I have difficulty with but when I understand what motivates those things, rather then being difficult they become a desire.

I'm speaking with someone who I hope will be the partner I've been looking for and had he not intrigued me to the point he had as a person, his affinity for CP probably would have sent me running as I'm not in the least bit masochistic. His patience and openess in explaining that for him it's not about causing pain or hurting me but is about building a state of anticipation, uncertainty that keeps me focused on him. That while 5" heels are sexy, the fact that I wear them for him makes each step a reminder of his presence in my life.

For a woman who has lived in flat shoes and is a total wimp when it comes to pain I find myself savoring the thought of wearing his marks of teetering precariously simply because I understand his desire that he be the focal point my life.

So I'm curious... Do you want your your partner to understand what motivates you? Do you understand your own motivation? Or am I just strange in needing this but lucky to have found someone as strange?

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

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RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/8/2010 11:33:19 PM

Whenready

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Sounds perfectly straightorward here. In a not dissimilar way if the minds connect well, the transmission becomes transparent. It doesn't actually matter WHAT we are doing - because it is US doing it together.

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RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 12:13:56 AM

jbcurious

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Whenready

Sounds perfectly straightorward here. In a not dissimilar way if the minds connect well, the transmission becomes transparent. It doesn't actually matter WHAT we are doing - because it is US doing it together.

Not having been in a D/s relationship and being prone to analyzing things, nothing is "straight forward" for me.

I'm actually quite stunned to find the capacity to embrace the idea of something that scared me simply from understanding why he wants to do it.

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to Whenready)

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RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 1:05:14 AM

myotherself

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I'm with you all the way, jb!

Although I am a masochist, there are other activities that I have been asked to try that I just don't "get".

So my first question, when something like this is proposed, is to say 'what do YOU get out of it?'

I find that once I understand his motivation, I'm much, much more likely to agree to take part in whatever it is. It also clears the way for us to discuss what I get out of it too...although often it would just be that lovely warm, fuzzy feeling that I've done something for him that he finds exciting/stimulating/satisfying even if the physical effect on me is nothing special.

Does that make sense?

edited to give my typing fingers a chance to catch up with my over-caffeinated brain

< Message edited by myotherself -- 5/9/2010 1:06:09 AM >

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RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 1:40:19 AM

jbcurious

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Absolutly! I read comments on the forums or in profiles where it appears that the M/D seem to want to maintain a certain distance as part of their control, that the fact that they command should be reason enough for obedience.

"Because I said so" is more likely to bring out rebellion (flashes of teen years & parental authority) then it is to inspire submission for me.

Thanks, I was feeling rather unsubby about the whole thing.

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to myotherself)

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RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 2:05:10 AM

Aileen1968

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For us it's very simple. He does things to me because it makes him hard.

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RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 2:19:55 AM

jbcurious

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

For us it's very simple. He does things to me because it makes him hard.

A very easy to understand motivation...

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to Aileen1968)

Post #: 7

RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 2:21:05 AM

myotherself

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Taking it a step further, it also helped me to realise that my particular approach to this is NOT as a slave, but as a sub. I just don't have the slave mindset, and although I have tried, it's just not something that sits comfortably or naturally with me. I do like my partner to take some control, but not all. I do like to have the freedom to question some orders, and if necessary discuss why I don't want to do them.

Doesn't make me 'untwue', it just makes me, me

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There's nowt so queer as folk

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RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 2:27:30 AM

Aileen1968

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Uh oh....I'm doing things all wrong. I identify as slave and I question him all the time.

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RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 2:30:24 AM

subsfaith

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Hi jb...

I think understanding why is helpful to you, and I think it is something you want, but I don't think it is something you need.
However, because it is something you want, it does make sense to find a man who is happy to explain things on that level.

To quantify my statement that you don't need this, if you imagine doing something at work, you do as you are told, so often you don't understand or ask why. A good example of that is in engineering factory, lots of people making individual parts, components of an engine, do all the workers understand how an engine works, how it fits together, the intimate mechanics of the engine? No, probably not, and whats more they don't need to know in order to do their job. And they work day in, day out making their without understanding.

I used to be the same about wanting to know why, but with time that has diminished as I have learned to trust my man more and I no longer feel the urge to retain that control. Time and time again I have been shown that most things have reason, the trust I have given him has been respected over and over, however there are times that he asks me to do things just because he can. And you know, there is nothing wrong with that, mostly 'just because he can' means he wants me to do x, y, or z because it would please him. If me being naked doing the housework pleases him, that to me sounds reason enough.

When you retain the thought that understanding is a need, it is like you are closing the door on other options. jbcurious, having watched your contribution on the messages boards and seen your active mind in work, I would like to think that given time in a stable relationship you could open yourself up to include things like this as you learn to trust, learn to give up more control, learn about yourself, as you grow and develop as a submissive. A BDSM relationship without personal growth is a wasted journey.

(in reply to jbcurious)

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RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 2:30:26 AM

delicatelydirty

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I find that I have more of a slave mindset once I am close to my partner and we have worked through mutual understanding and limits and personal beliefs ect, then I will do whatever he asks of me. Sometimes it may be simply because he knows it makes me uncomfortable and that is where he wants my mind to be, other times it might be because it turns him on. But once I am at the point where I have given myself over, then I don't question his reasons.... I may drag my feet at particularly unpleasant activities but in the end I will do as he says.

But I should add, it takes time to get to that point, and I would never give myself over completely to someone who wasn't in sync with me and didn't have my best interests at heart as well as his own.

(in reply to myotherself)

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RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 2:33:04 AM

Aileen1968

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quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

For us it's very simple. He does things to me because it makes him hard.

A very easy to understand motivation...

I purposely made my answer simple. It's accurate though. He only asks me to do things because what he is asking for is important to him, not because he "can".
He never makes me jump through hoops just to emphasize his domliness.
I should also add that we're in love. That's another huge motivator.

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RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 2:33:43 AM

myotherself

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hehehe Aileen - I think the difference between you as a slave is that you question, then you do. And for you in your dynamic, that works and that's good.

Whereas with me as a ... whatever the hell I am... I question and then say 'no flipping chance!'

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RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 2:46:27 AM

delicatelydirty

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

For us it's very simple. He does things to me because it makes him hard.

A very easy to understand motivation...

I purposely made my answer simple. It's accurate though. He only asks me to do things because what he is asking for is important to him, not because he "can".
He never makes me jump through hoops just to emphasize his domliness.
I should also add that we're in love. That's another huge motivator.

That's a huge thing right there.... and I think the point I was trying to make, if the guy is an ass who wanted me to do that.... we would never get to Master/ slave scenario anyways.

(in reply to Aileen1968)

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RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 3:16:38 AM

jbcurious

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When I was working as a PA in the Cogen Power Industry I insisted on going through the operating and maintence courses so I had a better understanding of the business, when selling beauty supplies to salons, spent a week in the labs so I understood the products... Yes, I'm a freak.

I do understand what you're saying and think what you say is possible, in time.

Aileen, I envy what you and SB share and hope there's something similar in my future.

I appreciate all of your responses, I'm feeling a little "twuer"

Re: The whole jumping through hoops thing...you see that in every walk of life, people who need to "flex" to me this shows a lack of confidence and a great deal of insecurity. Not desirable traits.

< Message edited by jbcurious -- 5/9/2010 3:22:26 AM >

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to subsfaith)

Post #: 15

RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 3:44:38 AM

subsfaith

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quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

Yes, I'm a freak.

You are so not! You have just chosen your name well LOL

Having an inquiring mind is a great thing, being able to think outside the box is a skill, there is nothing wrong with that.

I am of similar ilk, certainly in the workplace, I want to know everything, the processes all the way through to the final result, etc. But that is at work, should I be the same at work as I am at home I would be domme and not sub!

Food for thought....

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RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 4:08:11 AM

jbcurious

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You're "food for thought" has come up on more than one occasion... as I do have quite a dominant personality...I'm miserable in that position in a relationship.

When first brought up, the suggestion that I would carry a strap in my purse when we were out together gave me a kneejerk reaction of WTF! When it was explained that the purpose was to create an edge, an air of uncertainty of what could happen... Now I'm weak kneed at the thought and find myself in eager anticipation...

I do think that once I know and understand a partner that I won't need each new adventure explained, but will trust that what he wants is right for us.

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to subsfaith)

Post #: 17

RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 4:08:31 AM

Level

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quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious
So I'm curious... Do you want your your partner to understand what motivates you? Do you understand your own motivation? Or am I just strange in needing this but lucky to have found someone as strange?

Yes, if you've found someone that clicks, you ARE lucky.

Understanding one another is good; hell, great. Vital. When it is.

Other times, it does not matter. I want what I want. Why doesn't matter, just do it.

Now, if you have two people, and let's say the dominant cares nothing about motivation, but the submissive is overwhelmingly driven by it. They "fit" in most every other way. Is it the responsibility of the dominant to do whatever it takes to get the submissive to that place where they can submit?

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to jbcurious)

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RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 4:14:54 AM

DarkSteven

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Let me chime in from the other side of the kneel.

It's huge for me. If she wants to be spanked solely because she likes the sensation, that's fine but it means that I don't have enough power to make me happy. If she wants to be spanked solely because I like it, I've found a match. And if she likes it for both reasons...

Summing up, I don't want a do-me sub. I want one who is driven to please me.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Is understanding your partners motivation important? - 5/9/2010 4:52:27 AM

sunshinemiss

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quote:

it means that I don't have enough power to make me happy.

Steven,
Could you explain that? How does it mean that you don't have enough pwer to make you happy. Thanks!

sunshine

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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

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