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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/23/2010 10:21:56 PM   
LadyAngelika


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quote:

Once a relationship is going, there's the BDSM cliche, "the maledom wants to know how well she gives a blowjob, the femdom how well he cleans house." I don't say this is "accurate," but it provides interesting food for thought. Luckyalbatross said this to me when we had dinner some years ago, before she moved to TX.


I must be one hell of an exception than, because I have a housekeeper that cleans my house. I have no desire to have a man do this for me. Zero turn on effect for me.

I'm much more interested in how my submissive man will keep me satisfied on all fronts, including being my sexual stud.

And maybe I'm generalizing, but most evolved male dominants that I know are interested in much more than a woman's blowjob-abilities.

For the record, I don't think that male and female dominants are necessarily the same because they are different genders (this I made clear in my initial response). However, I don't think that you can differentiate male and female dominants based on gender.

Both genders have good dominants who know what the fuck they are a doing and there are bad dominants, and everything in between.

Both genders have those who put their partners first and those that are selfish, and everything in between.

Both genders have the sadistic tops and the more service oriented tops, and everything in between.

Are you seeing a pattern? I'm just thinking that there is not enough to distinguish.

I think the person I learned the most about dominance from is a dominant man. I loved his style and emulated it. For that very reason, I see more commonalities than differences.

- LA



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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/23/2010 10:51:58 PM   
SocratesNot


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Thanks God, this thread is finally going in right direction. I enjoyed reading last responses of both LadyNTrainer and LadyAngelika.
I agree with most of what you said, maybe not with all, but, even if I disagree on some minor things, I am impressed with the style and thoughtfulness of your posts.


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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/23/2010 11:15:54 PM   
LadyNTrainer


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quote:

ORIGINAL: SocratesNot
Even the question - which is stricter - can be answered qualitatively, instead of quantitatively.


This is one of the questions that *can't be answered at all*, because the spectrum of not-strict to very strict dominants is going to have males and females, heterosexual and otherwise, at points all the way across it with no real correlation of gender. 

quote:

I was expecting the discussion about basic qualitative differences between maledom and femdom relationships.


There's this Rolling Stones song that comes to mind, but I digress.

Seriously, the main qualitative differences you're likely to find are the most basic sex-linked ones that are common to vanilla relationships as well.  There are some features of human neural architecture that do appear to be physiologically hardwired in a sexually dimorphic way, and they relate to gender as well as sexual orientation.  Socially learned behavioral strategies differentiated by gender may also contribute. 

The differences break down to different courtship strategies, a higher percentage of male genderbenders and fetishists, differing external social perceptions of male and female roles, and a higher frequency of socioeconomic class disparity between partners in heterosexual (male/female) relationships.  How these things affect the D/s relationship or how they are incorporated into the relationship are pretty highly variable and depend on the individuals. 

The areas you will most likely *not* see meaningful differences based on gender are all the other ones you mentioned, including strictness.  There honestly are not a lot of differences in the structures of D/s and M/s relationships that you could easily quantify by gender, whether heterosexual or homosexual, male or female dominant, though there is a huge range of variability within the community.  You'll find people all over that range, but they are not grouped at any given point by gender.


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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 12:25:26 AM   
reynardfox


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Are you a virgin?

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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 4:30:27 AM   
LadyAngelika


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quote:

ORIGINAL: SocratesNot

Thanks God, this thread is finally going in right direction. I enjoyed reading last responses of both LadyNTrainer and LadyAngelika.
I agree with most of what you said, maybe not with all, but, even if I disagree on some minor things, I am impressed with the style and thoughtfulness of your posts.




Well I'm repeating the same things that I did in the beginning. Just like VC said the same things I said. I'm baffled on how you don't see this.

- LA


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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 6:06:20 AM   
SocratesNot


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Maybe you said the same things in a little different way. Or you just added something to those same things.

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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 6:14:51 AM   
VaguelyCurious


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quote:

ORIGINAL: SocratesNot

Maybe you said the same things in a little different way.
So whether or not the thread is moving in the 'right direction' is based on *your* ability to comprehend the answers you've been given?

That is intellectually weak.


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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 6:21:51 AM   
SocratesNot


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OK, I'm wrong. She actually didn't state the very same thing.
Only parrots state very same thing several times.
She said somewhat similar thing. And she was a lot more constructive and a lot less rude in her last post than in her first.
Her first post was deliberate making fun of the thread.
In her last post maybe she expressed similar opinion as in the first one, but in quite different tone.

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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 6:34:50 AM   
VaguelyCurious


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quote:

ORIGINAL: SocratesNot

In her last post maybe she expressed similar opinion as in the first one, but in quite different tone.
I suspect that the tone was different because she was responding to someone whom she knows to *think* before posting. Cloudboy doesn't always see eye-to-eye with others in his posting, but he's demonstrated consideration for others' ideas, thoughtfulness and insight in his posts, and the ability to back up his ideas when challenged.

You? Not so much.

As for 'movement' in the thread: the only people who I can remember moving this thread on have been LnT and Cloudboy. Almost every other post has consisted of either agreement with LA's original post in an attempt to make you think 'hey-if this many people disagree with me then perhaps I'm missing something' or an attempt to rephrase LA's original post in a way you will relate to.

That is *not* forward motion; that is standing still waiting for you to catch up.


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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 6:48:15 AM   
LadyAngelika


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quote:

ORIGINAL: SocratesNot

OK, I'm wrong. She actually didn't state the very same thing.
Only parrots state very same thing several times.
She said somewhat similar thing. And she was a lot more constructive and a lot less rude in her last post than in her first.
Her first post was deliberate making fun of the thread.
In her last post maybe she expressed similar opinion as in the first one, but in quite different tone.



I was not rude in my first post. I was direct and matter of fact. I didn't call you names, I didn't imply you were an idiot. You need to put on a pair of big boy pants if you want to post here. We aren't all going to massage your ego and your feelings with kit gloves.

You seem to have it in your mind that I was making fun of the thread when I wasn't. I was giving you answers to your questions. If you can't deal with answers, then stop asking so many questions.

For the record, my headspace, writing and opinion was as neutral and matter of fact in the first post as it was in the last as it is in this one.

- LA


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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 6:52:38 AM   
cloudboy


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The project here is to characterize groups, not individuals. Its always relevant to consider individuals who don't fit the mold, or to have an observation's accuracy whittled down. So, thanks for your observations.

Your comments about genetic variance are logical ones, but one fact still stands out to me:

"On average, men have 40% more fat-free mass than women, which is similar to the difference in gorillas, a species in which males unquestionably compete with other males for exclusive sexual access to females. In species whose males do not fight for access to females, males are generally the same size as, or smaller than, females."



< Message edited by cloudboy -- 5/24/2010 7:06:53 AM >

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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 6:53:43 AM   
OrpheusAgonistes


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quote:

OK, I'm wrong. She actually didn't state the very same thing.
Only parrots state very same thing several times.
She said somewhat similar thing. And she was a lot more constructive and a lot less rude in her last post than in her first.
Her first post was deliberate making fun of the thread.
In her last post maybe she expressed similar opinion as in the first one, but in quite different tone.


In the best Socratic dialogues, Socrates begins by posing a question about how to define a particular virtue to a pompous and puffed up Athenian and proceeds, through the process of a gentle but deeply cutting interrogation, to demolish every commonsense view proposed by his interlocutor.  Having finally elevated his new friend to a state of aporia, a state of blissful and vertiginous confusion, Socrates happily wanders off in search of booze and free food.  Thus was philosophy born.

In the best SocratesNot post, a series of questions are posed to which the OP presumes he already knows the answer.  He won't admit this, under any circumstances, and goes through the sad charade of trying to "find out what people think" with all the intellectual honesty of an election in a Soviet satellite state during the early 80s.  When questioned, he flies into histrionics, pouts, and then suddenly tries to save the day by claiming he has suddenly had an epiphany and now, in a blinding flash of insight, has come to understand it all.  Even an awfully clever person has a limited number of true Eureka! moments in a lifetime.  The OP has used all his up in the course of a few threads on Collar Me.  That makes me sad.

SN--LA and VC have indeed been saying the same thing for some time.  I'm honestly not sure why you have such difficulty parsing nuance.  At first, I thought this was some kind of gimmick.  But if it is, you're admirably committed to the ruse.

At some point you need to disabuse yourself of the notion that saying "usually" or "generally" somehow transforms a rigid point of view into something more nuanced and interesting.  Let's suppose we look at a chart for the rainfall in Shallow, North Dakota over the course of a 12 month period.  Let's also suppose that 27  times during the course of that year, it rains or snows on a Thursday.  There are few if any conclusions that can be drawn from this.  Your method is to say "But we can see it usually rains on Thursday!  And rain is associated with sadness but also fertility!  Therefore on Thursday most people are pregnant and sad!"  And someone comes along and explains that you're being really rather awfully daft.  You reply "Excuuuuuuuse me but I CLEARLY SAID 'usually.'  So get off my back, man."  Then, following page after page of reasonable, articulate critiques, you will finally pick out a salient post that grabbed your fancy for some reason and say "Oh now I get it!  It's all so clear now!  How silly of me. You're absolutely right!"

Then, a week later, you will make an identical post in which you point out that you've now discovered it is really Wednesday on which people are (usually) sad and pregnant.

So it goes.


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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 6:55:59 AM   
thishereboi


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

quote:

- What are the main differences between the two?

One has men in charge, the other has women.
quote:

- What are the similarities?

They are D/s relationships.
quote:

- In which of the two is the domination usually more strict?

This depends entirely on the dominant and has nothing to do with gender.
quote:

- Which is more risky?

This depends entirely on the dominant and has nothing to do with gender.
quote:

- Are there differences in style of domination and submission in them?

This depends entirely on the dominant and submissives and has nothing to do with gender.
quote:

- What about the subs? What are the differences between male subs and female subs?

This depends entirely on the submissives and has nothing to do with gender.
quote:

- Who of them are usually more obedient, male subs or female subs? Who have more limits?

This depends entirely on the submissives and has nothing to do with gender.
quote:

- And what about the Dominants? What are the differences between male dominants and female dominants?

Other than the difference in their gender, this depends entirely on the dominant and has nothing to do with gender.
quote:

- Which is easier to implement, maledom relationship or femdom relationship?

This depends entirely on the dominant and has nothing to do with gender.

- LA





This.

And thanks to LA for saving me all that typing


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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 6:59:17 AM   
cloudboy


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LA's first post was a categorical rejection of gender differences. I'm surprised no one took her to task for that. Additionally, she never referenced one difference between maledoms and femdoms, which does point to bias (not wanting to admit there are any differences.)

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 5/24/2010 7:07:48 AM >

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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 7:04:30 AM   
cloudboy


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I'm not sure I'm with you here. Yes, the OP did start his thread presuming that that there are differences between maledoms and femdoms, but then got bogged down in arguments with responders claiming either there are no differences or that general observations can't be applied to groups. He did not start the thread knowing what the differences were with an intention to lecture everyone about it.

Frankly, if I had to pick sides of reasonableness here, I'd pick the OP.

Pointing out gender differences is always an explosive topic, but I still think its an interesting one. To me, this thread was littered with empty and evasive responses -- and I have more issues with them than with the OP.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 5/24/2010 7:05:33 AM >

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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 7:06:56 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OrpheusAgonistes

quote:

OK, I'm wrong. She actually didn't state the very same thing.
Only parrots state very same thing several times.
She said somewhat similar thing. And she was a lot more constructive and a lot less rude in her last post than in her first.
Her first post was deliberate making fun of the thread.
In her last post maybe she expressed similar opinion as in the first one, but in quite different tone.


In the best Socratic dialogues, Socrates begins by posing a question about how to define a particular virtue to a pompous and puffed up Athenian and proceeds, through the process of a gentle but deeply cutting interrogation, to demolish every commonsense view proposed by his interlocutor.  Having finally elevated his new friend to a state of aporia, a state of blissful and vertiginous confusion, Socrates happily wanders off in search of booze and free food.  Thus was philosophy born.

In the best SocratesNot post, a series of questions are posed to which the OP presumes he already knows the answer.  He won't admit this, under any circumstances, and goes through the sad charade of trying to "find out what people think" with all the intellectual honesty of an election in a Soviet satellite state during the early 80s.  When questioned, he flies into histrionics, pouts, and then suddenly tries to save the day by claiming he has suddenly had an epiphany and now, in a blinding flash of insight, has come to understand it all.  Even an awfully clever person has a limited number of true Eureka! moments in a lifetime.  The OP has used all his up in the course of a few threads on Collar Me.  That makes me sad.

SN--LA and VC have indeed been saying the same thing for some time.  I'm honestly not sure why you have such difficulty parsing nuance.  At first, I thought this was some kind of gimmick.  But if it is, you're admirably committed to the ruse.

At some point you need to disabuse yourself of the notion that saying "usually" or "generally" somehow transforms a rigid point of view into something more nuanced and interesting.  Let's suppose we look at a chart for the rainfall in Shallow, North Dakota over the course of a 12 month period.  Let's also suppose that 27  times during the course of that year, it rains or snows on a Thursday.  There are few if any conclusions that can be drawn from this.  Your method is to say "But we can see it usually rains on Thursday!  And rain is associated with sadness but also fertility!  Therefore on Thursday most people are pregnant and sad!"  And someone comes along and explains that you're being really rather awfully daft.  You reply "Excuuuuuuuse me but I CLEARLY SAID 'usually.'  So get off my back, man."  Then, following page after page of reasonable, articulate critiques, you will finally pick out a salient post that grabbed your fancy for some reason and say "Oh now I get it!  It's all so clear now!  How silly of me. You're absolutely right!"

Then, a week later, you will make an identical post in which you point out that you've now discovered it is really Wednesday on which people are (usually) sad and pregnant.

So it goes.



Thank you for this brilliant post OA. I cross my fingers that it isn't all lost on the OP. You used statistics so he might like it.

And I'm also glad to report that it's Monday, sunny, and I'm nowhere near pregnant ;-)

- LA


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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 7:08:26 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy


LA's first post was a categorical rejection of gender differences. I'm surprised no one took her to task for that. Additionally, she never reference one difference between maledoms and femdoms, which does point to bias (not wanting to admit there are any differences.)


Wrong. Look at my first reply. I said the difference between male doms and female dommes was their gender. And that implies a lot. I didn't think the OP needed an explanation on what was the difference between a man and a woman.

- LA


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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 7:50:58 AM   
SocratesNot


Posts: 812
Joined: 5/17/2010
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quote:

LA's first post was a categorical rejection of gender differences. I'm surprised no one took her to task for that. Additionally, she never referenced one difference between maledoms and femdoms, which does point to bias (not wanting to admit there are any differences.)


Exactly! You put it in words much better than I do.


quote:

Pointing out gender differences is always an explosive topic, but I still think its an interesting one. To me, this thread was littered with empty and evasive responses -- and I have more issues with them than with the OP.


Again, very true.
If I had the communications skills of cloudboy, maybe I would be able to be much more successful on forums.

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Profile   Post #: 98
RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 7:54:20 AM   
SocratesNot


Posts: 812
Joined: 5/17/2010
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quote:

In the best Socratic dialogues, Socrates begins by posing a question about how to define a particular virtue to a pompous and puffed up Athenian and proceeds, through the process of a gentle but deeply cutting interrogation, to demolish every commonsense view proposed by his interlocutor.  Having finally elevated his new friend to a state of aporia, a state of blissful and vertiginous confusion, Socrates happily wanders off in search of booze and free food.  Thus was philosophy born.

In the best SocratesNot post, a series of questions are posed to which the OP presumes he already knows the answer.  He won't admit this, under any circumstances, and goes through the sad charade of trying to "find out what people think" with all the intellectual honesty of an election in a Soviet satellite state during the early 80s.  When questioned, he flies into histrionics, pouts, and then suddenly tries to save the day by claiming he has suddenly had an epiphany and now, in a blinding flash of insight, has come to understand it all.  Even an awfully clever person has a limited number of true Eureka! moments in a lifetime.  The OP has used all his up in the course of a few threads on Collar Me.  That makes me sad.

SN--LA and VC have indeed been saying the same thing for some time.  I'm honestly not sure why you have such difficulty parsing nuance.  At first, I thought this was some kind of gimmick.  But if it is, you're admirably committed to the ruse.

At some point you need to disabuse yourself of the notion that saying "usually" or "generally" somehow transforms a rigid point of view into something more nuanced and interesting.  Let's suppose we look at a chart for the rainfall in Shallow, North Dakota over the course of a 12 month period.  Let's also suppose that 27  times during the course of that year, it rains or snows on a Thursday.  There are few if any conclusions that can be drawn from this.  Your method is to say "But we can see it usually rains on Thursday!  And rain is associated with sadness but also fertility!  Therefore on Thursday most people are pregnant and sad!"  And someone comes along and explains that you're being really rather awfully daft.  You reply "Excuuuuuuuse me but I CLEARLY SAID 'usually.'  So get off my back, man."  Then, following page after page of reasonable, articulate critiques, you will finally pick out a salient post that grabbed your fancy for some reason and say "Oh now I get it!  It's all so clear now!  How silly of me. You're absolutely right!"

Then, a week later, you will make an identical post in which you point out that you've now discovered it is really Wednesday on which people are (usually) sad and pregnant.

So it goes.


To some extent this might be accurate, but parodied description of my behavior. I don't claim to be a perfect communicator, nor do I think that I can be compared to Socrates. However, I admire Socrates a lot, and I would like to achieve his abilities in leading people to truth through questions.
And yes, despite respecting him and his intellect, most Athenians considered Socrates to be an asshole

< Message edited by SocratesNot -- 5/24/2010 8:05:50 AM >

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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 8:02:42 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
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quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

The idea that absent absolute truths you must keep your mouth shut is ludicrous. I see big differences between maledoms and femdoms, just like I see big differences between men and women. The trick is, can you point out the differences effectively instead of copping out or engaging in bigotry or stupid, caricature-like stereotypes.



And this i agree with.  But typically, what we end up with IS bigotry or stupid, caricature-like stereotypes.

The one thing that i've noticed in my many years in the BDSM lifestyle is how diverse peoples' styles are.  The variety that i see in Dommes is amazing.  i've seen sweet, loving, sensual Dommes, and i've seen cruel, man-hating, sadistic Dommes who are as harsh as any man.  Yet they are both female dominants.

Yet, there probably are trends that we can identify the would be supported by statistics.  i think your example of the prominence of "do me" subs among the male gender is a very good example.


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