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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 8:09:49 AM   
VaguelyCurious


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

i think your example of the prominence of "do me" subs among the male gender is a very good example.

But the question was about *relationships*; the impression I've received from these boards (which I freely admit may well be unrepresentative) is that 'do-me's tend to be lone men who have trouble getting into relationships-therefore their prevalence wouldn't really have much bearing on the differences between Femdom/Maledom *relationships*....


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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 8:13:28 AM   
SocratesNot


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quote:

Wrong. Look at my first reply. I said the difference between male doms and female dommes was their gender. And that implies a lot. I didn't think the OP needed an explanation on what was the difference between a man and a woman.


The whole point of my thread is to discuss these implications!
Wow! Now you admit there are implications. Not just that they are, but there is a lot of them!!!
Even if you didn't intend it, now you have admitted that there are actually huge differences between maledoms and femdoms! Which proves that in your first post you just tried to skillfully avoid answering, by, as cloudboy said: "categorical rejection of gender differences", because of "not wanting to admit there are any differences"!
Cloudboy is a genious!

So as we now agree that there are many implications based on gender, we can try to discuss them!
Or more precisely how do gender differences influence the dynamic in Maledom and Femdom D/s relationships!

This is the whole point of this thread!

(in reply to Rochsub2009)
Profile   Post #: 102
RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 8:18:09 AM   
Rochsub2009


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer

quote:

Once a relationship is going, there's the BDSM cliche, "the maledom wants to know how well she gives a blowjob, the femdom how well he cleans house." I don't say this is "accurate," but it provides interesting food for thought. Luckyalbatross said this to me when we had dinner some years ago, before she moved to TX.


On this point I do have to disagree.  Of all the femdoms in LTR's with male submissives I have ever personally known, almost every single one (there have been one or two exceptions) considered sexual service a very important component of their relationship.  It's a very big deal to us.  It matters.  Granted, we also expect service in other areas, but if he's lousy in bed, that's gonna be as much of a problem in the average femdom LTR as it is in a maledom LTR.



As a sub who has served MANY Dommes over the years, i have to say that i agree with both of you.  The Dommes that i have served seem to fall equally into the two camps that you described.  The key difference being the nature of the relationship. 

Some Dommes were more "relationship-oriented", and sexual service was a key requirement for keeping them happy.  Those Dommes also were more likely to want to be wined and dined.  We went to movies and concerts together.  In essence, i was their submissive boyfriend.  Sexual service and the romantic aspects far outweighed domestic servitude in these relationships.  i believe this is the type of Domme that LadyNTrainer is describing.

The other camp made a very clear distinction that there would be no sex, and that my primary purpose was domestic servitude and running errands.  In those cases, the closest they allowed me to come to "sex" tended to be kissing their feet or ass, boot worship, or tease and denial.  But intercourse or oral sex was strictly prohibited.  This is the type of Domme that i believe Cloudboy was describing.

Though i am just a sample size of one, in my experience, both styles exist and are equally valid. ,


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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 8:33:33 AM   
SocratesNot


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quote:


Some Dommes were more "relationship-oriented", and sexual service was a key requirement for keeping them happy.  Those Dommes also were more likely to want to be wined and dined.  We went to movies and concerts together.  In essence, i was their submissive boyfriend.  Sexual service and the romantic aspects far outweighed domestic servitude in these relationships.  i believe this is the type of Domme that LadyNTrainer is describing.


Such Dommes are wonderful and I envy their subs! I absolutely adore such relationships!

quote:

The other camp made a very clear distinction that there would be no sex, and that my primary purpose was domestic servitude and running errands.  In those cases, the closest they allowed me to come to "sex" tended to be kissing their feet or ass, boot worship, or tease and denial.  But intercourse or oral sex was strictly prohibited.  This is the type of Domme that i believe Cloudboy was describing.


For me personally, living with such dommes wouldn't be a very pleasant experience.
Since there are such dommes and there are subs who adore to serve them in such relationship, the only thing I can say to them is "Enjoy!"

< Message edited by SocratesNot -- 5/24/2010 8:49:03 AM >

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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 8:42:27 AM   
Mercnbeth


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in this slave's experience, the only difference is a Y, instead of an X...or an X instead of a Y.

everything else in your list completely depends on the individuals involved and their own unique perspectives, talents, feelings, liabilities, ideas, desires, assets, experiences and physical-emotional-spiritual health.

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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 8:48:19 AM   
LadyNTrainer


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quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy
The project here is to characterize groups, not individuals. Its always relevant to consider individuals who don't fit the mold, or to have an observation's accuracy whittled down. So, thanks for your observations.


I am characterizing groups and discussing the differences that can be observed between them.  Where you will find a more or less random scattering of individuals in both groups along the entire spectrum, with no meaningful groupings by gender at any given point on the spectrum, then you can't characterize.  On most of the questions stated, this is in fact the case.

quote:

Your comments about genetic variance are logical ones, but one fact still stands out to me:

"On average, men have 40% more fat-free mass than women, which is similar to the difference in gorillas, a species in which males unquestionably compete with other males for exclusive sexual access to females. In species whose males do not fight for access to females, males are generally the same size as, or smaller than, females."


Still quoting from lay publications that ignore the wider range of prevalent theories in favor of current buzzwords and a one-page sound byte inadequately summarizing a complex issue?  Physical sexual dimorphism in humans and other species is not monolithic. Multiple evolutionary pressures, including but certainly not limited to intraspecies as well as interspecies competition, is likely to shape it. 

Homo sapiens
is one of the few species extant to have developed strongly specialized food gathering and resource production roles which are generally separated by gender as well as skill in later examples of specialization. In a species where one gender hunts and the other gathers, the evolutionary consequence should be reasonably obvious.  The substantial lengthening of both gestation period and neonatal/childhood learning and development in hominids, both a consequence of evolving larger brains, necessitated gender role specialization in food production to facilitate the much longer periods of pregnancy and child care.  Along with sentience, you also get sex-linked food seeking specialization adaptations for hunting versus gathering. 

Sentience, tool use, verbal language, etc, are rather significant driving forces in hominid evolution.  Let's not utterly ignore them in favor of what sounds sexy to us kinksters. That is very bad science, and it gives me a deep ache in the large brain my species evolved in order to have these things.  :/

Beware of dumbed down statements from pop culture sources predigested for the layperson with a short attention span.  Generally by the time you finish dumbing things down that far, they aren't actually true any more, even if they had some of truth in them to start with.

Male intraspecies reproductive competition where the male fights off rivals to control either a territory that is for use by females, physical access to the females, or the females themselves, is one strategy of male gene transmission.  It cannot properly be regarded as "male dominance" in the sense that the male dominates the females when the battles are for territory, or for the purposes of displaying fitness to the female, or for the purpose of disallowing rival males courting access.  It can be regarded as male to female dominance when there are behavioral interactions of this nature between the genders, but this is not always the case.  In any case, let's just call this entire range of strategy "male dominance" for convenience and with the understanding that it may in fact be confined exclusively to same-sex dominance interactions while the male to female interactions may or may not be characterized as male dominant behavior.

Male dominance strategies for reproductive success are effective; high ranking "alpha" males gain more mating opportunities.  However, younger males and lower ranking males who are social pleasers, who groom and befriend females and who make alliances easily, mate almost as often, and sometimes with greater effectiveness.  The resources and risks of the dominant male are largely spent in fighting and guarding, and healing injuries from fighting; he has less time to forge crucial alliances.  In the end, his gene transmission to the next generation may be only slightly more than that of the individual nondominant males who used other strategies, and in total, nondominant males using alternative strategies are likely to sire more offspring.  In addition, there are commonly used "social pleaser" male strategies for gaining alpha rank that involve more social skills and alliance forming, primarily with dominant high-influence females, than physical fighting with males.  Even "male dominance" as a reproductive strategy doesn't always look much like male dominance, certainly not as we understand it in this community.

Human evolution is just not simple enough to summarize in a page or a sound byte.  I have to chuckle a little at the Gor novels that focus on seriously outdated primatology research viewed through the cultural lens of the 1950's to "prove" their conjectures that men are supposed to be dominant over women.  It doesn't work that simply in real life, not even in the animal kingdom.  So what you get is bits of actually true and relevant information mingled with stuff that was disproven years ago, with all the inconvenient bits of science utterly ignored or dismissed if it doesn't fit into the hot sexy theory.

Focusing narrowly on one fact of human physiology leading to one conjecture about its evolution is kind of like staring at a single shard of pottery from a rich archeological dig site and completely ignoring the rest of the vase and the rest of the dig site.  You can't use one shard of pottery to prove much of anything. You could always decide to base your entire theory of Minoan civilization on one pottery shard and publish a paper on it.  But however interesting or important that shard may be, if you ignore the context the shard was found in and don't even bother looking at everything else on the dig site or even the rest of the vase, it's not going to be a very good paper.  Your shard may well be genuine, but it's still a shard.  Look farther and harder and more comprehensively before you finish writing your paper.

< Message edited by LadyNTrainer -- 5/24/2010 9:43:50 AM >


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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 8:49:34 AM   
LadyAngelika


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quote:

ORIGINAL: SocratesNot

quote:

Wrong. Look at my first reply. I said the difference between male doms and female dommes was their gender. And that implies a lot. I didn't think the OP needed an explanation on what was the difference between a man and a woman.


The whole point of my thread is to discuss these implications!
Wow! Now you admit there are implications. Not just that they are, but there is a lot of them!!!
Even if you didn't intend it, now you have admitted that there are actually huge differences between maledoms and femdoms! Which proves that in your first post you just tried to skillfully avoid answering, by, as cloudboy said: "categorical rejection of gender differences", because of "not wanting to admit there are any differences"!
Cloudboy is a genious!

So as we now agree that there are many implications based on gender, we can try to discuss them!
Or more precisely how do gender differences influence the dynamic in Maledom and Femdom D/s relationships!

This is the whole point of this thread!



I didn't realise that you needed to learn about the difference between men and women. I tend to give people more credit.

I do not think that Cloudboy's statement was correct at all. I did not categorically reject the difference between genders. I rejected that difference in domination style and submission style is not based on gender but on a whack load of variables. How many times to I have to repeat this to you? How many times does VC need to repeat this to you? How many times does LadyPact need to repeat this to you? How many others?

If you disagree, then that's fine. You have the right to disagree with everyone in this post. But don't twist words around and make assumptions in your mind based on flawed logical deductions of what you think we might mean.

Just because you overlooked the fact that I answered your question initially and were quick to judge doesn't make you are right. You are proving OA's post to be more and more right with every post you make.

- LA


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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 9:05:38 AM   
porcelaine


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SocratesNot,

I've had male dominants and I have a long standing agreement with a female dominant - in a different context - but still applicable in many ways. The differences noted wouldn't be solely in terms of gender and their perspectives but their individual makeup in all honesty. What's true of my Lady is merely that. True for her. She's not the embodiment of all female dominants. When I reverse the coin and look at my male experiences the same rings true. They are an animal unto themselves and often more demanding and much stricter than some, but it coincides with their personalities and beliefs.

I think a lot of this comes down to interpretation and value placement. As LadyAngelika articulated, certain things are of little consequence in her dynamics. She places a greater emphasis on other activities instead. I have never met a dominant - male or female - that hasn't done the same. What one desires and how that looks is very different. Service submission to one may mean a domestic and for someone else a girl that gives massages. We're left with two opposing images that are collectively accurate for the parties involved.

The dominants in my life place a big emphasis on obedience, respect, responsibility and being accountable. There are differences in the display and how they respond when errors occur. My Lady is forthright and to the point. She addresses the issue. She wants me to think and recognize why my behavior is not in line with what I should do or what she expects from me. She is never cruel or resorts to tantrums or other ultimatums to prove her point. We tackle the problem and move forward.

Correction looks markedly different on the other side. Although the results are the same - the behavior is eradicated - the aftermath is not. Much of it relates to their approach and heavy handedness. There's an inequality in failure and mistakes. Mine are glaring but not so much for them. They have a sense of rightness and entitlement that is justified by role. He will tell me he's sorry but very rarely that he's wrong. Forgiveness is hard. Forgetting even harder. His control reigns supreme. Her love inspires temperance and the forgiveness that follows. We don't look back and we never linger.

~porcelaine


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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 11:05:58 AM   
laurell3


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009


  i think your example of the prominence of "do me" subs among the male gender is a very good example.



Yes but do you think this is actually true? Or is it the case when female subs are only into sex men don't complain about it as much? I've definitely known some female subs that are similar to what is described as a male "do me" sub, they are probably more commonly described here on the boards (which I hate) as "the bedroom submissive". I really don't think this varies by gender either, it's just treated differently.

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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 11:10:13 AM   
Rochsub2009


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quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

i think your example of the prominence of "do me" subs among the male gender is a very good example.



Yes but do you think this is actually true? Or is it the case when female subs are only into sex men don't complain about it as much? I've definitely known some female subs that are similar to what is described as a male "do me" sub, they are probably more commonly described here on the boards (which I hate) as "the bedroom submissive". I really don't think this varies by gender either, it's just treated differently.


You may be right.  i don't think there are many male Doms out there complaining about female subs because "she always wants to give me blowjobs, and then she wants me to f**k her all the time".  Nope, male Doms probably WANT female "do me" subs. 

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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 11:16:51 AM   
LadyAngelika


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Again, generalisations. I think the male Doms I'm friends with could get "all the pussy" they want because they are charming, smart and successful. Most of them hold out for exceptional women they can bond with.

Again, gender doesn't apply across the board and we shouldn't generalize.

- LA


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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 11:47:22 AM   
LadyPact


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From a realistic standpoint, I think it would be beneficial to look at this from a real life dynamic perspective.  The OP asked about the differences in relationships.  This precludes any differences that might be made between a male Dominant and a female Dominant looking to get laid. 

You still have to look at the lives of the two people involved and all that entails.  Can I have sex on demand?  Yes.  Can a male Dominant leading his dynamic get sex on demand?  Yes.  The question that follows is, will there be some Dominants out there of both genders that are going to factor in all the other external things (exhausted from a long day of work, illness, etc) and look at the overall picture before demanding the sex?  Personally, the majority of the folks that I know are going to say yes and there isn't particularly any greater or lesser tendency to do so based on gender.

Ergo, still not particularly a difference.


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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 5:30:21 PM   
LadyNTrainer


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009
Some Dommes were more "relationship-oriented", and sexual service was a key requirement for keeping them happy.  Those Dommes also were more likely to want to be wined and dined.  We went to movies and concerts together.  In essence, i was their submissive boyfriend.  Sexual service and the romantic aspects far outweighed domestic servitude in these relationships.  i believe this is the type of Domme that LadyNTrainer is describing.

The other camp made a very clear distinction that there would be no sex, and that my primary purpose was domestic servitude and running errands.  In those cases, the closest they allowed me to come to "sex" tended to be kissing their feet or ass, boot worship, or tease and denial.  But intercourse or oral sex was strictly prohibited.  This is the type of Domme that i believe Cloudboy was describing.


It's not really two camps of femdoms, it's two camps of subs, with the dominant making her choice of who goes in which camp. A dominant woman may have only one (possibly more if she's poly) sexual/romantic partners and submissives, but she may also have less intimate relationships with additional play partners and submissives. Same dominant, different relationships with different people.

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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 6:17:19 PM   
Andalusite


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I've been in a FemDomme relationship (as the Domme) for 5 years and two MaleDom relationships for a total of 4 years. Of course, my requirements of my former submissive were different than what has been expected of me, but not along the lines you suggest as parameters. I think it had more to do with individual tastes than gender.

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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/24/2010 7:13:04 PM   
Rochsub2009


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer


quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009
Some Dommes were more "relationship-oriented", and sexual service was a key requirement for keeping them happy.  Those Dommes also were more likely to want to be wined and dined.  We went to movies and concerts together.  In essence, i was their submissive boyfriend.  Sexual service and the romantic aspects far outweighed domestic servitude in these relationships.  i believe this is the type of Domme that LadyNTrainer is describing.

The other camp made a very clear distinction that there would be no sex, and that my primary purpose was domestic servitude and running errands.  In those cases, the closest they allowed me to come to "sex" tended to be kissing their feet or ass, boot worship, or tease and denial.  But intercourse or oral sex was strictly prohibited.  This is the type of Domme that i believe Cloudboy was describing.


It's not really two camps of femdoms, it's two camps of subs, with the dominant making her choice of who goes in which camp. A dominant woman may have only one (possibly more if she's poly) sexual/romantic partners and submissives, but she may also have less intimate relationships with additional play partners and submissives. Same dominant, different relationships with different people.


Yes and no.  i've been with some Dommes who had multiple subs, each of which fulfilled different roles.  For one in particular, i was the primary sub and i filled most of Her sexual needs (although She was free to take other lovers), while the service subs did most of Her housework.  This type of multiple sub scenario fits in well with what you described above.

However, i have also been with Dommes who were not interested in managing multiple subs.  On different occasions, i have been the exclusive sub and either been used in a "submissive" boyfriend capacity or a "service sub" capacity.  So in these instances, there really weren't two camps of subs. 

But with Dommes that maintain multiple subs, i have often seen the setup that you described.


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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/25/2010 12:29:56 PM   
MarcEsadrian


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quote:

ORIGINAL: SocratesNot
- What are the main differences between the two?

Obviously, biological differences between males and females, which don't just involve genitals. With those differences come natural and inherited archetypal behavior from surrounding the culture. It's hard to speak about them all here on a message board, however.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SocratesNot
- What are the similarities?

Both are engaged in D/s relationships. Such relationships may include implements of correction and restraint, as well as mental /emotional degradation, conditioning or control.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SocratesNot
- In which of the two is the domination usually more strict?

I don't think that question really makes sense to ask in terms of male and female, as I've observed both sexes dolling out tremendously cruel and degrading punishment or "play" to their slaves. Due to their natural wiring, there are overall "soft spots" in both sexes from a psychological perspective, I feel, but I'd have to commit myself to writing out a dozen pages just to get going on that, and in the end it's all just subject to my own empiricism and related theories.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SocratesNot
- Which is more risky?

By risky, I suspect you are inferring social / legal liability. If so, male dominance is by far more precarious in my estimation. We are socially and legally sensitive to the subject of domestic abuse, which almost invariably focuses on abused and battered women. A nefarious or begrudging female could easily turn her M/s relationship into one of thinly veiled domestic abuse, and there is little in the way of a man reducing the stacked deck before him if she does. It is for this reason dominant men must be very cautious in vetting women who self-identify as "submissive" in a BDSM context.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SocratesNot
- Are there differences in style of domination and submission in them?

I believe there are subtle maternal and paternal differences, and perhaps differences in general orchestration according to sex drive and sex-typical preferences. Outside of this, the aforementioned archetypal differences come in to play. In short, males in general use resources and security and females use sexuality. Those socially contentious ideas are of course not the full picture. I believe it's important to note that there are more similarities to successful dominance between male and female than differences. Both require intelligence and good leadership skills, for example. Both must have within them an innate understanding of human psychology and experience never hurts.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SocratesNot
- What about the subs? What are the differences between male subs and female subs?

The answer to this is similar to above; how and why males or female submit has in part to do with their archetypal behavior and biological needs, which are fairly easy to consider. As for the rest of the picture, again, both male and female submission is subject to the same laws of psychology. Quality of one's submission is not determined by sex, but by individual understanding and proclivity.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SocratesNot
- Who of them are usually more obedient, male subs or female subs? Who have more limits?

This is really a matter of individuality, and not so much sex.


quote:

ORIGINAL: SocratesNot
- Which is easier to implement, maledom relationship or femdom relationship?

Overt male dominated relationships are challenging to form, in my experience, due to limited supply and female style of "choosiness". Female dominated relationships may seem easier due to the influx of willing male heinies, but as any Mistress with a dash of experience can attest, finding a quality male who wishes to authentically submit can be a challenge. In the end, both male dominated and female dominated relationships are hard to create and maintain in their own ways. As for which one is easier than the other, I'm really not so sure.

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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/25/2010 1:19:02 PM   
LillyoftheVally


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So to summerise, te difference is the fact that people are different right? I know that many people have written lengthy posts but thats the gist yeah?

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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/25/2010 2:39:32 PM   
MarcEsadrian


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally

So to summerise, te difference is the fact that people are different right? I know that many people have written lengthy posts but thats the gist yeah?


Hi Lilly,

The way I see it, males and females are different in form and methodology, without a doubt. I would suggest, however, that the bones of a successful D/s relationship are shared by both, for ensuring one's successful leadership is a human thing, not a just a sex thing. And like you infer, it ultimately does get down to individuals once you get past speaking in aggregates.

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RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/25/2010 3:04:01 PM   
LadyNTrainer


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Joined: 5/20/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SocratesNot
The whole point of my thread is to discuss these implications!
Wow! Now you admit there are implications. Not just that they are, but there is a lot of them!!!
Even if you didn't intend it, now you have admitted that there are actually huge differences between maledoms and femdoms! Which proves that in your first post you just tried to skillfully avoid answering, by, as cloudboy said: "categorical rejection of gender differences", because of "not wanting to admit there are any differences"!


Honestly, that's not it.  Anyone with long term experience in the BDSM community will tell you that it is going to be damn hard to point to differences that characterize heterosexual male dom versus heterosexual female dom relationships, because they are all individually different with points of similarity that are really not possible to correlate well with whether the person on top has an innie or an outie.  They're still heterosexual relationships.


quote:

So as we now agree that there are many implications based on gender, we can try to discuss them!
Or more precisely how do gender differences influence the dynamic in Maledom and Femdom D/s relationships!


Actually, the typical brain wiring and socioeconomic differences of gender tend to lead to different expressions of the same dynamic in male led versus female led D/s relationships, where the same behavior is expressed with either a male dom or a female dom dynamic. Here's an example.

Two people walk into a restaurant.  Both seem attentive to the other, both are attractively dressed.  The man pulls out the chair for the woman and seats her.  When the menus arrive, the man orders both meals.  They both enjoy their food, whispering a few things to each other than you can't hear, but that sound quite romantic.  At the end, the man pays the check, pulls out the chair for his partner to rise, and drives them home.

Can you tell whether this is a vanilla couple, a male dominant couple, or a female dominant couple?  They could actually be expressing some pretty intense D/s dynamics from their relationship *either way*, while outwardly appearing to follow social male/female norms.  Is he owning and controlling her, or is in he in submissive service to her, extending himself in every way to please her and do for her?

And that's where you're going to see the typical gender role differences, in the outward behaviors.  The internal relationship dynamics they're expressing could very well be either male dominant or female dominant.

_____________________________

Your dominant Personal Trainer for fitness and body shaping in the lifestyle. Let my fetish be your motivation.

(in reply to SocratesNot)
Profile   Post #: 119
RE: Maledom relationships vs. Femdom relationships - 5/25/2010 3:29:20 PM   
SocratesNot


Posts: 812
Joined: 5/17/2010
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You impressed me with this example about the restaurant. I can really imagine how this very same situation can happen both in femdom, maledom and vanilla relationship.

(in reply to LadyNTrainer)
Profile   Post #: 120
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