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RE: If I knew then, what I know now - 6/5/2010 9:16:55 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		JB --
The one that I have to continue to remind myself even now is this: Just because someone is a D-type doesn't mean they have my best interests at heart, doesn't mean they will look out for my future. I need to always remember that they too have an agenda.

(btw, an agenda is not a bad thing. We all have them. I just forget that. I've been known to be an idealistic fool a time or twelve).

best,
sunshine

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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to Rochsub2009)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: If I knew then, what I know now - 6/5/2010 9:32:47 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Actually, within strictly the context of BDSM, I haven't made any serious mistakes. Carol and I have had our ups and downs (some of the more blatant ones have been posted here for the world to see). But those weren't mistakes, those were simply two people fumbling along the road together. Honestly, I've had 20+ years of leadership experience and I am applying every last day of them with a laser-like focus to this business of being Carol's master.

Now... within the larger context of life... yeah... not quite so perfect *chuckles*.

As Kana said, the hardest thing for me to learn was that it was OK to take control of Carol. It might've been easier if Carol had actually wanted to be a slave, but in this case, it was pretty much all me setting the direction. The phrase "take control of Carol" is exactly accurate. It took me a while to really have the courage of my convictions in terms of was this good for her or not.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: If I knew then, what I know now - 6/5/2010 11:03:58 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

.
I feel like I fit the image of a fantasy and none of it was ever about me as a person.

So... If I knew then what I know now, I would have looked for questions from them about my personal life, things that reflect who I am as a woman, not as a sub and not how I could fit into their dynamic.


the whole post, but this bit made me go all tingly for you   it is a really important realisation actually because its separating youreself from the whole heady mix and making YOU the headline.

the thing is once you realise this you think 'duh, but i already knew that'!

personally i wouldnt have missed the process either because all of it has made me who i am now and i would never be the person i am now if i hadnt taken the journey.

but in a way jb's realisation here is pretty much what i have learnt the hard way and kudos to jb, it took me alot longer to learn - that my tits, arse, ability to take pain and obey are not my sum total and not the sum total of what i have to give or offer.  so once i left behind the guys that were only interested in me for those things it all started to fall quickly into place.

what i probably value the most now though is that i (oddly enough) ran away from profoundly dominant types, dabbled in the shallows with guys i could control enough and keep at arms length sufficiently for me to feel comfortable and safe submitting to on my own terms as i slowly grew more confident and felt i could trust myself.   now that i am confident and i can trust myself i feel completely and totally enthralled by dominant men and now i can respond to them fully, openly and very very happily.

as natural as it is to me now i can look back and remember my struggles and mistakes but i just tell myself that i got here in the end, it might have taken a ridiculously long time but i made it!  more to learn, more ways to grow, onwards and upwards, but i think the hard work is done now (the hard work being me btw)

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to jbcurious)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: If I knew then, what I know now - 6/5/2010 11:08:07 AM   
DomImus


Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3
In the context of bdsm and D/s, it's easy to toss advice to someone that's new, but can you admit the mistakes you have made? Did you struggle with accepting this part of you and if so, how did you deal with that? Do you ever still struggle with it? What have you learned about yourself and others? Is there anything you would change if you could? What do you think is the most important learning experience you have had?


Admitting the mistakes I've made in life might take the rest of my life. Admitting those I made in the context of bdsm really wouldn't take long. I cannot recall any worth talking about. I've never really struggled with any of this. It has been a part of who I am for so long that it's as natural to me as breathing. I am a little surprised at the sadistic side of myself that has come to the surface in the past 4 or 5 years. I am not the dominant today that I would have expected myself to be fifteen years ago. I spent (wasted, actually) too much time trying to make sure everyone was happy. I turned a corner about 4 or 5 years ago and realized that I needed to do what was right for me and what made me happy and let the others drive their own sense of satisfaction from the relationship. Things have been much smoother for everyone since that epiphany.




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"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Sidney J. harris

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: If I knew then, what I know now - 6/5/2010 11:39:14 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		My big gigantor mistake---the dangerous slave who turned out to be unstable and mentally ill---brought so much good into my life that I can't say Dang, wish that hadn't happened! The experience let me accept myself as a SADIST, and the fallout brought me so much closer to my friends, and of course got me Jeddie parrot. Though that whole cluster is the LAST time I will let my pussy overpower my brain!! Or let loneliness get the better of me.

It's not really possible to say Oh, I would have done that differently... because that would have led to a new path and who knows? So, I keep trying to be open to new things, and not let my mind stiffen up, both in and out of BDSM. I try to learn from what other folks are doing, even if it's something that I wouldn't or ouldn't do. Every new relationship shows me new stuff---the last one really showed me that I have turned a corner in terms of what I am going to look for in the next few years.

I also think that I would have asked for more pressies. That whole being a lady and not accepting inappropriate gifts is an utter crock! I could have a whole rack full of Manolos!!

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



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Profile   Post #: 45
RE: If I knew then, what I know now - 6/5/2010 12:07:34 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

In the context of bdsm and D/s, it's easy to toss advice to someone that's new, but can you admit the mistakes you have made?  What do you think is the most important learning experience you have had?



Oops!  i see that i misunderstood the thread (see what happens when you read the title but don't really read the OP and responses in detail).  i see that you are looking for our biggest mistake.

My biggest mistake was agreeing to play with a partner who was a habitual drug user.  She often liked to play while under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol.  This is NEVER a good idea.

As a sub, i should have known better than to allow myself to be tied up by someone who was drunk or high.  Moreover, i should never have agreed to play under those conditions, particularly when i knew that she enjoyed tying me up and then having "fun" with me.  Fun often included whips, floggers, paddles and knives.  In my opinion, it is not safe to participate in any of those forms of play if the person doing the inflicting is not 100% in control of their faculties.

Subs must ALWAYS maintain ultimate responsibility for their own safety.

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: If I knew then, what I know now - 6/5/2010 12:22:45 PM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009
-Always remember that as a sub, YOU are responsible for your own well-being.  If it seems like abuse, it probably is.  If it seems too dangerous, it probably is.  If it seems illegal, it probably is.  Just because your Dom/Domme tells you to do something, that doesn't mean that you have to do it.  It doesn't make you a lesser sub because you don't obey every command.  Rather, it means that you have common sense, and a desire for self-preservation.

This lesson was made clear to me recently. Master jokingly told me to do something that isn't dangerous or illegal but that would cause serious emotional turmoil for me and I said, "I think that's the one thing I would say no to," and he said, "I would expect you to say no to that."

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to Rochsub2009)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: If I knew then, what I know now - 6/5/2010 12:40:47 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lucylucy

This lesson was made clear to me recently. Master jokingly told me to do something that isn't dangerous or illegal but that would cause serious emotional turmoil for me and I said, "I think that's the one thing I would say no to," and he said, "I would expect you to say no to that."



Well, at least he was joking.  There are too many "Doms" out there who would give a questionable command and be totally serious.  Then they'd punish the sub for failing to obey (if the sub had the courage to disobey in the first place).

(in reply to lucylucy)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: If I knew then, what I know now - 6/5/2010 3:03:17 PM   
BrokenRadio


Posts: 6
Joined: 4/16/2010
Status: offline 		Honestly, understanding the difference between "now" and "then" has been, by far, the most eye-opening.

Nothing more than watching my first relationship within D/S crash and burn, and then keep crashing, and then keep burning.

By the time I realized that we're all more numerous and more interesting than I had ever thought, I was already exploring the world with fresh eyes.

(in reply to Rochsub2009)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: If I knew then, what I know now - 6/5/2010 3:12:25 PM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline 		I made a lot of mistakes, I made the continued mistake to try and fit in it was stupid and meant that I took risks I didn't need to, nothing overly terrible happened but of course I know now that actually my primary motivation has to be making myself happy.

It was that realisation that changed my attitude to D/s that it didn't have to be anti feminist or a sign of a lack of self-esteem (although it really was the latter for a large time) now I try to be a little less dogmatic about it than I was, I no longer have to prove to other people or myself that I am anything other than what I am.

I learned also that part of my motivation was the stupid idea that being in a power exchange would somehow make me better, certainly more appealing, that as men so often wanted little more than sex giving them it and giving them the control took the pressure off a bit, the idea that doing that would mean that they would be less ken to get rid of me and also if I just did as I was told then I would be transformed by them into a wonderful person. Of course this was borne out of a pretty dark time, it is also something I see in a lot of people and it breaks my heart because I know how painful it is when you see the truth of it all, the reassessment is huge.

I have learned that this isn't some sort of elite group, that actually being on the internet talking about it all the time just proves that you are not out there doing it all the time, and that often people not involved with the naval gazing process of self definition just happily get on with a stimulating sex life perfectly fine

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'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: If I knew then, what I know now - 6/5/2010 3:13:06 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BrokenRadio

Honestly, understanding the difference between "now" and "then" has been, by far, the most eye-opening.



Please expound on this.  i don't think that i understand your point.  Thanks.

(in reply to BrokenRadio)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: If I knew then, what I know now - 6/5/2010 3:18:22 PM   
BrokenRadio


Posts: 6
Joined: 4/16/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

quote:

ORIGINAL: BrokenRadio

Honestly, understanding the difference between "now" and "then" has been, by far, the most eye-opening.



Please expound on this.  i don't think that i understand your point.  Thanks.



Apologies.

Nothing more than echoing the sentiment that experience, itself, is the greatest agent of growth. Simple the act of being involved for an extended time has taught me far more than I could have ever learned otherwise.

Those of us who come to the lifestyle during tumultuous times in our lives, myself at the ripe and young age of 19, can benefit more from feedback, friendship and companionship than we'd ever admit, at that time.

Being able to trace that line between who we are and who we were is one of the most enlightening experiences I have ever seen slowly unfold.

< Message edited by BrokenRadio -- 6/5/2010 3:19:42 PM >

(in reply to Rochsub2009)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: If I knew then, what I know now - 6/5/2010 3:54:44 PM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009
quote:

ORIGINAL: lucylucy
This lesson was made clear to me recently. Master jokingly told me to do something that isn't dangerous or illegal but that would cause serious emotional turmoil for me and I said, "I think that's the one thing I would say no to," and he said, "I would expect you to say no to that."

Well, at least he was joking.  There are too many "Doms" out there who would give a questionable command and be totally serious.  Then they'd punish the sub for failing to obey (if the sub had the courage to disobey in the first place).

Which is why every sub needs to learn "don't submit to a moron" quickly.


_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to Rochsub2009)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: If I knew then, what I know now - 6/5/2010 5:51:46 PM   
reynardfox


Posts: 417
Joined: 9/8/2009
Status: offline 		Made mistakes? Moi?
You bet I have, from agreeing to wrestle a psychotic amazon with a penchant for headbutting over who got to ride who (it's hard to come when your nostrils are both plugged to stop bleeding and you have a fat lip and a slightly torn ear) to having (in the 70's when  aids was unheard of) anal sex with a charming girl who was addicted to scotch bonnet chillies (there's a hot tip for you)
Gilrs who haven't told me about  alittle thing like claustrophobia until wigging out after being tied up and put in a wardrobe. Girls with really good handcuffs and no keys. girls who drank so much they couldn't come if connected to a set of jumpleads,  a girl whose safe call was her grandad who was parked up the street with a flask . A woman whose webcam was on and whose kids were downstairs watching. I have met the wrong girls at neutral venues and ignored the right ones when they rang me because the wrong girl was a better propect. I have gone to a girls house and ended up having very rough sex with her sister as my date had forgotten and gone out. I have gone through the neutral meeting with a woman and turned up for a session to find that she had joined a group of born again Christians.
I convinced myself that a prospect was a tranny in denial and turned up with butt plugs and cbt toys to find that she just had a very deep voice and collected motorbikes, not sure if that was a mistake or not, but bloody baffling
I have tied a girl to a tree in the woods in the middle of the night and found that we were in the middle of a TA night exercise.
I once tied my then fiancee up on a pool table in a club I was running and found that we had triggered a silent alarm and were being watched by several giggling policemen and a german shepherd.
Once I was dumb enough to believe a girl who expressed a wish to be picked up by her tits.
Collapsed beds feature throughout my sexual career, metal ones are my curse. I must just cause rust. I have had partner's dogs pop up at the worst time, and cats, and on one occaision a very vicious parrot.
The trick is to expect the unexpected.
We went to meet a woman who had recently divorced and were well on the way to a fantastic night at her house when her weeping husband turned up and just hung on to her knees for the rest of ther night bawling. We ate all their jaffa cakes and went home.
From snapped canes, floggers that fell apart, crops with loose tips, split whips, handcuffs that won't open, handcuffs that won't close, see through blindfolds, knickers that need to be cut off, vibrators with chips, vibrators that cause shocks, it's happened to me.
I'm so used to things going wrong or people I meet turning out to be totally bonkers, I'd be quite bored with a predictable session.
My wife has a sybil fawlty thing going on and loves it when everything goes tits up.
Sometimes she laughs for days.

< Message edited by reynardfox -- 6/5/2010 5:55:35 PM >

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: If I knew then, what I know now - 6/5/2010 8:33:19 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		Reynard,

It appears luck is not on your side. That's funny though, thanks for sharing.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to reynardfox)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: If I knew then, what I know now - 6/5/2010 8:36:48 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Reynard, that poor german shepherd must have been scarred for LIFE!!

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[page 23 girl]



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Profile   Post #: 56
RE: If I knew then, what I know now - 6/6/2010 2:55:35 AM   
reynardfox


Posts: 417
Joined: 9/8/2009
Status: offline 		The saddest mistake ever in our personal experience was when my nineteen year old son proved that men don't read profiles and wrote a long and very graphic plea for domination to his Mum. Teach him to stay local. We heard the scream from his room when she emailed him back.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: If I knew then, what I know now - 6/6/2010 5:42:32 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: reynardfox

The saddest mistake ever in our personal experience was when my nineteen year old son proved that men don't read profiles and wrote a long and very graphic plea for domination to his Mum. Teach him to stay local. We heard the scream from his room when she emailed him back.
now that wins the "Oh Shit!!!" award.


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Profile   Post #: 58
RE: If I knew then, what I know now - 6/6/2010 6:23:15 AM   
Blackcords


Posts: 13
Joined: 10/9/2005
Status: offline
Reynard,

My compliments. I am still chuckling ...
Not only was that one of the funniest - and I DO mean that in the most respectful manner - posts I have read here, it was also heartwarming and a glowing indictment of your dedication to WIITWD.

I admire your absolute ability to persevere in the face of ridiculous odds.

I have had adventures and I have made mistakes, but I bow to your colour and verve.
Both in the living and in the prose.

I salute you, Sir !

(in reply to reynardfox)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: If I knew then, what I know now - 6/6/2010 6:39:43 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		I would have controlled my sub frenzy and waited for the "One".
Being with people I didn't really click with just to experience the thrill has been a huge regret.

_____________________________



(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 60
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