RE: If I knew then, what I know now

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RE: If I knew then, what I know now - 7/20/2010 7:30:53 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

You know you speak of your cryptonite. We all own some.

This is me trying to obliterate the kryptonite for good. And today it came to a head.

Don't want to derail any longer.

In this instance it is not a derail, although you may not want to share this with the noobs for awhile

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: If I knew then, what I know now - 7/20/2010 7:31:49 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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Thanks, laurel. I appreciate the kind words. Someone else's problem on another thread is pretty much identical to mine but she is younger and wasted less time than me.

So that, combined with some other things, has really brought all of this into awful focus for me. You spend alot of time trying to justify some things because you really, really want them to be a certain way, but you also know in your heart and brain, they cannot be justified.

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RE: If I knew then, what I know now - 7/20/2010 7:34:12 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

You got cmail, Red

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: If I knew then, what I know now - 7/20/2010 7:34:22 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
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Yeah I know, but all you can do is live and learn red. We cannot go back in time and if we look back too often, we don't see what's ahead. (christ ok, I'll stop spouting cliches).

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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RE: If I knew then, what I know now - 7/20/2010 8:06:30 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

You know you speak of your cryptonite. We all own some.

This is me trying to obliterate the kryptonite for good. And today it came to a head.

Don't want to derail any longer.

It's my thread, derail away!

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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RE: If I knew then, what I know now - 7/20/2010 8:53:14 PM

Chrisincuffs

Posts: 602
Joined: 12/7/2009
Status: offline

1. The expressway is not the place to meet guys
2. Don't believe in Fairy tales, there's a reason they're in the FICTION section
3. I'm much tougher than I thought
4. I can be a tough bitch and still be an AWESOME slave to the right Master

_____________________________

No kind of sensation is keener and more active than pain it's impressions are unmistakable. -Marquis DeSade

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RE: If I knew then, what I know now - 7/22/2010 4:21:12 PM

sskitten

Posts: 43
Joined: 9/15/2005
Status: offline

quote:

laurell3

In the context of bdsm and D/s, it's easy to toss advice to someone that's new, but can you admit the mistakes you have made? Did you struggle with accepting this part of you and if so, how did you deal with that? Do you ever still struggle with it? What have you learned about yourself and others? Is there anything you would change if you could? What do you think is the most important learning experience you have had?

The biggest mistake I made, by far, was cheating on my vanilla husband - putting my curiosity and craving for submission before love, commitment, and integrity. I worked up all kinds of rationalizations for it in my mind until I was brazen enough to post a "two worlds of trust" thread here in the spring of 2006, whereupon the good people of collarchat helped me to take a good hard look at myself. I came clean to my husband a short time later... the marriage nearly collapsed but he agreed at last to keep working on it as long as I stayed away from the D/s world altogether (later softening his stance to permit friendships with female subs). It took a long time but ultimately he forgave me, and I'm still working on forgiving myself.

Is there anything I wish I could change, besides that? Yes, I wish my husband were interested in domination. We tried for a short time but it was a failed experiment, probably tainted too much by the broken trust as well as needs and interests not meshing well.

What I've learned most of all is that my marriage is more important to me than my submissive longings, but I've also learned it's fruitless to try to shut off the spigot; I need to be true to myself as much as I need to be true to my husband. So... I have learned and am continuing to learn how to redirect my interest in safer ways: reading, thinking, writing, sharing with sub friends, experiencing vicarious pleasures, and of course fantasizing. My fantasies sustained me for most of my life before curiosity got the better of me and I'm sure they'll sustain me for the rest of my life... I can't help missing the joys of submission in the hands of a Dominant; it's not the same dabbling in a solo submissive journey... but I don't miss submission as much as I would miss my husband if I chose to put submission first in my life again. (Sigh.)

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