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CallaFirestormBW -> RE: i need some advice please (6/22/2010 10:27:00 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: lucky2beyours91
Thank You....but then i get to the question ..." how do i not become too emotionally involved?" i mean the kind of play W/we do i don't see how i couldn't become too emotionally involved, especially since He wants me pouring my soul and heart out to Him :/
I have a completely different take on this, if I may, as a Keeper in a rather large poly household with a wide scope of participants, and some complex protocols in place.
It seems to me that your Master was making a point of reminding you of the protocols under which you exist... and, perhaps, also reminding his slave. Especially when one has a new person that one is training, the protocols are "tossed out" as an abrupt reminder of one's place -- it isn't done to be cruel, but to reinforce and re-align.
I think that it is possible that, if you've been a particularly effective servant, and his slave likes you, he wants to make sure that there is no misunderstanding of your role. It is also possible that his slave is having some difficulty adapting to the new situation and having a newcomer present, and he used the phrase to reinforce for -her- what your respective roles are.
One of the things that is -very- difficult when it comes to hierarchical poly authority dynamics is that need to make sure that everyone internalizes hir place.
For myself, I would say that your friends probably don't understand these kinds of situations -- and, in fact, I think it is difficult for anyone who hasn't had some experience with poly -and- authoritarian hierarchy to understand them. I can see similar things happening in my household -- as well as situations where I don't train the new-come servant... one of my servants who is tasked with training does so. In these cases as well, the new servant can sometimes feel as if xhe isn't important enough to get the -Keeper's- attention for training, but the reality is that this isn't just about -me-, or about the newcomer... it is about making sure everyone in our household knows where xhe stands, supporting progress in existing servants by giving them greater responsibilities over new-come servants, and giving everyone the opportunity to flow with the hierarchy and shine individually as well.
I can see how this can be unsettling, especially if the reason one came into the relationship was because of the dominant individual in the chain (which is the case 99% of the time). There is the fear that the dominant party doesn't care about the newcomer(s). In reality, though, most of us do care very much about each person who yields authority to us... but part of the process of assuring that the authority really rests where it is supposed to is challenging the issues that may be 'sticking points' for that newcomer... and, in a hierarchical household, who holds which level is one of those 'sticking points'.
One thing that I always tell my servants is "If you have a question or are very uncomfortable with the way that something is going, have your trainer make an appointment so that you can see me." Normally, I'll hold these sessions with the trainer present, but a servant always has the right to ask for a private meeting. I would suggest that you ask your Master if you can meet with him, and let him know your concerns. From my perspective in dealing with multiple servants, I think it would be good for his slave to also hear what you have to say, since part of the issue may not be -your- problems with -her- presence, but -her- problems with -yours-... to know that you respect her, and embrace the opportunity to learn from her, may help to ease her through this transition as well.
I also tell people in new poly relationships that it takes a -year- to get used to one another and adjust to the changes -- there are typically upheavals and periods of discomfort, especially in that first year, and a process of strong communication between all the parties is definitely beneficial.
I wouldn't advise holding back how you feel and shutting part of yourself away because you'll never be "first" -- especially since it seems that this is not your biggest priority in this relationship anyway. Certainly, there is the possibility, when we allow ourselves to feel completely, that we will be at risk of being hurt -- but how much worse is it to be a part of something where we refuse to invest ourselves completely?
Calla
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