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Power and Stupidity - 7/19/2010 11:13:53 AM   
jujubeeMB


Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline 		Ok, prepare yourselves for this one, because I do not know up from down or left from right here. Also, it's long, so I'll tell you in advance that it's a "what do you think I should do/is this a normal D/s experience" question, and if you're not in the mood for that, don't bother reading it all. I really am sorry for the length

So recently (as some of you know) I ended a decently long relationship with my Dom due to a bunch of different factors. Some of the main ones were incompatibility in D/s desires (my insistence on being not submissive most of the hours of the day while he wanted me to be much more constantly malleable, his desire to have someone who craved being slutty to the nth degree while I preferred to be more told what to do than constantly desperate for cock), the aftercare fiasco, and most importantly, his inability to open up and show me any affection or vulnerability as a boyfriend. I wouldn't post these details on the message boards like this except I know he's not going to read it, and it pertains to the situation I'm in now.

So after I ended the relationship, we had an incredible, moving conversation where he finally opened up to me and apologized for how hard that was to do for him, and that he knew he had messed things up and had watched himself doing it and had two voices going on in his head telling him "do NOT give in and do what she says" (how his crazy Dom nature dealt with me begging for affection) and "what the hell is wrong with you? Just open up to her. She's slipping away and hurting and angry with you." He apologized just about every way a person can, and said that while he respected my decision to end it, he was going to try to get me back by doing everything in his power to show me he could do all the things I had been asking him to do - and he hadn't done - before. I told him I thought we should both move on, and that my decision was solid, but he kept up a steady contact with me via text and IM and email, just being incredibly kind and affectionate and loving and sometimes hinting at hotness etc. Once or twice I caved and called him and we had a very intense phone exchange that led to our dynamic, but I remained completely firm.

A few days ago, he started being a tiny bit of a jerk in his interactions with me, and said a few things that he knows upset me. I started to get angry that his whole plan to revolutionize his whole approach to me had lasted about two weeks, and planned to tell him we couldn't speak, period. Yesterday, I got online to find him and tell him that, but instead we wound up having a conversation about several things that turn me on enormously. One of those things is being "kidnapped" and drugged and fucked while I'm completely unable to do anything, and for god only knows what reason, I told him that he could do that to me anytime he wants - that he had my consent to literally grab me off the street, even if I was never involved with him again. I made it a one time condition, and I told him he had to respect every one the things he knows about me sexually and psychologically, but what the heck was I thinking??!

Once I'd said it, he made me repeat it over and over and the edge in his voice that gets me in the darkest recesses of my submissive soul got harder and harder. He started doing the psychological manipulation thing he does that is a lot like sadism for the mind, working me harder and harder until I was writhing in it. Finally, he pointed out that I had just offered myself up to someone I was furious with and had broken up with, and how much power and control I was giving him, since I had consented to basically him grabbing me and using me whenever he wanted to. His telling me what I was doing - and how unbelievably dominant he sounded - shot me down into a place that I have never been. I couldn't talk, I couldn't move, I could barely hold the phone - all I could do was feel how helpless I was. I've been close to that before, but never that deep. And though a voice in the back of my mind was saying to me "this is so wrong" I didn't ever want to come up - it was intoxicating.

So here's the question part of the program. What the hell would you do if you were me? And not to sound naive as hell, but is this what it feels like to truly feel like someone has total power and control over you? I don't feel so much like I submitted - even though I did - as I feel like I was just taken. I still don't want to get back together with him, but I don't even know how to function today without wanting to be under him serving him. I feel like I'm so self-possessed and smart and happy and complicated in my life, but right now all I can think about is how bad I want to submit, in spite of the fact that I feel that I made absolutely the right decision breaking up with him. Is that just because I'm so submissive and he drew it out of me so well and I need to pull myself free and find someone who can give that to me and give me the things I need, or did I make a mistake breaking up with him, and he's the man I'm supposed to be submitting to?

Anyone who gets through all of that deserves a medal. I adore you guys here and you're so smart - please let me know what you think.
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RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/19/2010 11:17:39 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		This is a very long OP. I shall read the responses of others and base my response on theirs.

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

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RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/19/2010 11:18:49 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		To the farm!!!!!!!!!! Cuz your cute and all.

But in all seriousness, you have GOT to cut all ties with him.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to jujubeeMB)
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RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/19/2010 11:19:23 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

To the farm!!!!!!!!!! Cuz your cute and all.

But in all seriousness, you have GOT to cut all ties with him.




This.

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

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RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/19/2010 11:22:29 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		It sounds like you know what to do, but are going through sub-frenzy simultaneously.

Remember this-Adults act with the big head...


_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

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RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/19/2010 11:24:06 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Go in the bathroom, look in the mirror, smack yourself in the face, stand under a cold shower...then get out and call him and tell him that you withdraw everything you consented to before. Seriously.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to jujubeeMB)
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RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/19/2010 11:24:30 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		jujube - what youre going through take an awful lot of time to straighten out in youre head.  i have to say it took me nearly a year of 'almost' going back to Him - wanting to believe that it would all work out.  we would have all the good bits and all of the bits that made me feel insecure or uncertain would float away.

there were things between us that were amazing and i can honestly say that i love Him still, very much.

BUT - he didnt play fair in using the 'tools' he knew that would turn you on.  he twisted around youre vulnerability and told you 'that you had just, basically given youre power back to him to use whenever he wished.  that horny thing is now brewing away in youre head and he knew what he was doing.

hes gone from trying hard to being a jerk in two weeks.

all that you are right now is vulnerable. if you really want to make that break, tell him the deal is off and make the break.  cut him off for long enough that you get youre head straight and youre reasons for not going back clear and credible in youre own mind.

if you need anyone to chat to ever about this you know where i am. xx

edited to add:  it isnt because youre sooo submissive to him so much as completely vulnerable to someone who hit the right buttons sometimes and knows how to do it again.   actually what he did was crumby and underhand and not a little arrogant.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 7/19/2010 11:33:27 AM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to jujubeeMB)
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RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/19/2010 11:24:46 AM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline 		Wow, your opening post was so hot, that I'm too horny to think straight! I'll have to cum back later after I.....

_____________________________

Жизнь ума ебет.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUzJI4Palq0

(in reply to jujubeeMB)
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RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/19/2010 11:25:06 AM   
submissivemale22


Posts: 428
Joined: 3/4/2008
From: CinCity
Status: offline 		fuck it, it sounds like you like him... you might as well not try to fight it.

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RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/19/2010 11:25:41 AM   
xXsoumisXx


Posts: 339
Joined: 7/26/2009
From: USA
Status: offline 		I understand, and am sorry you are going throught this.

Regardless of what our heads tell us, that voice of reason we have inside us, the submissive nature we have longs for Dominance, and when there is someone who knows how to push the right buttons, to access that yearning, it can be a recipe for disaster, if that Dominant has no honor.

I guess the only thing that works, worked for me, anyway, is to cut off all contact when you know that it won't work. If you cannot trust them to behave, so to speak, trust them to not take advantage of the secrets they know.. there is no choice.

There are some that you cannot remain friends with.

Take care,

~soumis

(in reply to jujubeeMB)
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RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/19/2010 11:27:09 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Do you have a best friend that you trust 100%, that understands the type of relationship we are talking about? If so, can you transfer that power to them? Then, trust them to give you that back, for yourself?

I know that sounds cheesy but it might work.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to jujubeeMB)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/19/2010 11:28:39 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		Sounds similar to my former owner.  I had to cut all ties to him - all of them. I had to literally block him from everything blockable, and to stop taking his calls.  I had to take ownership of myself back and deny him access to me.

Why?  Because, like you, overall he could not feed my spirit in the bigger sense, and I would constantly be left feeling empty and incomplete.  And yes, he knew the buttons he could push that would tap into my desires, such that there was no denying him.  But stuff like that does not sustain a relationship, and had I allowed myself to fall into that pattern, I would be putting myself right back into my unfulfilled place with him.  No can do.

It took a LOT of work to cut all contact, and a LOT of effort to take myself back, but the result was overwhelmingly positive, and now I am in a relationship that fulfills me on ALL levels.  The first words on my profile, in fact, are "I never thought it could be like this."

Allow yourself better.


_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to jujubeeMB)
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RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/19/2010 11:29:48 AM   
ourmsbetty


Posts: 266
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline 		Yeah, definitely revoke the consent... in writing.

And then stop talking to him. It's all manipulation. You'll feel better, believe me.

(in reply to xXsoumisXx)
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RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/19/2010 11:32:24 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		You are much more intelligent and much stronger than you are acting right now, and I don't mean that as an insult. Take an inventory of all the wonderful and positive things about you and realize that you deserve so much more than you are giving yourself right now. You know the answer, you don't need our validation. Walk. Don't look back. Stop playing games with your own head, it's you doing this, not him. D/s isn't the issue here, it does not ever have to mean sacrificing yourself to someone that cannot meet your needs (although the D types that mask their inability to be truly emotionally intimate with dogma and stereotype are all too common unfortunately). Do you really want half of what you deserve and give in return? Is there really a question in your mind about this?





_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/19/2010 11:33:58 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		jujubee,

You are me and I am you, at least in this respect in this particular situation.

Since I am not going to do this on the board, you will have cmail in a bit.

(in reply to ourmsbetty)
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RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/19/2010 11:34:50 AM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		Well, you can romanticize it all by saying things like "I'm so submissive and he just pulls it out of me", or, you can see it as he just knows which buttons of yours to push and how to push them.  That's just the sign of a manipulator, it doesn't mean that all the stars are in alignment and he is your destiny.  As soon as he gets what he wants, he most likely will go back to being they way he always was.

Since you've realized that you were just not compatible for the long run, do what you have to do to make your fresh start to find the one who does give you what you need.  A big part of that is cutting off ALL contact with him, putting away anything that reminds you of him, and reciting either mentally or out loud some kind of mantra about how it's over, time to move on, etc.   Keep yourself out of any situations that make you "weak" until enough time has passed that you start getting over him. 

What I honestly would do (and have done) in the same position is give my best friend a baseball bat and instruct her to start beating me over the head if I return to the old behavior that got me in the pickle I was in, and keep beating until I come to my senses.  That can be a literal baseball bat or a figurative one.  My best friend has a hell of a swing, though. 



_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

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RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/19/2010 11:42:25 AM   
hopelesslyInvo


Posts: 522
Joined: 2/10/2008
From: the future
Status: offline
quote:


I told him that he could do that to me anytime he wants


undo this statement and cut him loose. 

he played the "but baby i can change" card out of desperation and you held out long enough to see it wasn't true.

what you're feeling are your own desires urging you towards the quickest easiest way of satisfying them; nothing more.  you've been taken only by your own fantasies and wants; you've done more than enough to prove that he doesn't even come close to holding complete power and especially not control over you.

finish what you started (for good reason), and say goodbye.




_____________________________

great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.

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RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/19/2010 11:42:57 AM   
jujubeeMB


Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline 		God. You guys are all right. I'd like to hit myself with a baseball bat. You know what's ridiculous? I'm the friend who talks people out of bad situations, and who is supposed to be the strong one. I don't actually have anyone that I could transfer control over to, LaT - all my friends are under the impression that I'm superwoman.

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RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/19/2010 11:45:01 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

I'm the friend who talks people out of bad situations, and who is supposed to be the strong one. I don't actually have anyone that I could transfer control over to, LaT - all my friends are under the impression that I'm superwoman.


This was always me, too.  But being there for friends does not prevent us from being vulnerable, too, and from also needing the help of others.

Transfer control back to yourself.  It's doable, and necessary.  And after you do, you'll be able to see the manipulation as clearly as the rest of us who responded do. 


_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



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RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/19/2010 11:45:44 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

So here's the question part of the program. What the hell would you do if you were me? And not to sound naive as hell, but is this what it feels like to truly feel like someone has total power and control over you? I don't feel so much like I submitted - even though I did - as I feel like I was just taken. I still don't want to get back together with him, but I don't even know how to function today without wanting to be under him serving him. I feel like I'm so self-possessed and smart and happy and complicated in my life, but right now all I can think about is how bad I want to submit, in spite of the fact that I feel that I made absolutely the right decision breaking up with him. Is that just because I'm so submissive and he drew it out of me so well and I need to pull myself free and find someone who can give that to me and give me the things I need, or did I make a mistake breaking up with him, and he's the man I'm supposed to be submitting to?


jujubee,

My first question as I read your post was wondering if you were really done with this person. I understand the desire to have friendly relations, but I'm sure you recognize there's nothing platonic in your discussion. There's also the glaring fact that he pushes your buttons and you response in kind. He wants you and has made that desire evident. If some part of you didn't feel the same I'd be hard pressed to wonder why you'd entertain his company and expressions towards you. Unless you're bored or have difficulty cutting ties and find yourself falling into familiar behavior patterns when you converse. This is one of the reasons I didn't maintain contact with my previous owners, although one situation unfolded like this for several years. We even tried reconciling but too much time had passed. In retrospect I think both held on for nostalgic reasons and a wish to return to what was before things changed.

In terms of advice it is imperative that you know your hot spots. Your previous owner isn't the first nor the last man that will use what he knows about to you invade your mind and stake his claim. But, that can never occur unless you're willing to participate on some level. Overcoming this requires some self assessment and understanding what makes you tick. If conversations that veer down a murky road trip your switch and you're engaging with someone you have no interest in relating with, make certain you're clear on where it's going and the outcome you have in mind before it starts not after. Don't discount the feelings you've had for your previous partner and the twinge of vulnerability that's still there.

He is not your friend or confidant. Don't ever mistake his intentions as anything but what he's indicated. His goal is to have you. That is the purpose behind everything he does and says. If you have no desire to return to that life with him you'd be better off placing distance between you instead. If you know he presents a weakness that inspires you to respond in a manner that will complicate things I'd suggest the same. He's merely chipping away at your resolve until the only answer left is the one he designed all along.

I don't have that response with most people. And I have been in the company of men that attempted to manipulate me, even though they think I'm oblivious to it. However, if I find myself weakened by a presence that would cause me to do things that are not in my best interest irregardless of arousal or compromised mindset where he's concerned, I stay away. I recognize my fallibility where he's concerned and the fact I'd probably go along with it because some part of me desires the same. Our interactions would only exploit and leave me vulnerable in a way I cannot allow. The more sensible and disciplined course of action is denial. Unless I'm willing to accept whatever comes along with that person, including the not so pleasant and the downright awful in tandem.

I trust with time and introspection you'll make the right assessment. Shoot me a note if you need to dish.

~porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to jujubeeMB)
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