Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Power and Stupidity


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Power and Stupidity Page: <<   < prev  2 3 4 5 [6]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/22/2010 9:54:11 AM   
jujubeeMB


Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
jujubee, sweetie, glad that you tore yourself away from that fantasy.

Right now, you're very vulnerable and prey to any unscrupulous man.  I suggest you stay here in Colorado till you get past that.  I'll... um... keep you safe.  Honest.


My, what big teeth you have...

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 101
RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/22/2010 10:32:35 AM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline 		jujubee,

I've been seriously lost as to what to sincerely post to your thread. I do know this, you need to do whatever is right for you. Remember this, that there is a IF in the middle of LIFE.

It's the choices and decisions we make TODAY, that shape us into who were are going to become NEXT. Our past choices and decisions also have shaped us into who we are today.

Our choices in friendships, relationships, careers, hobbies and the sublime stuff we do every day. You'd be suprise at the number of extremely small decisions we make without realizing we are doing it. All these things add up together. There's a lot of things we can decide without much thought. Conditioned Choices. At times these conditioned choices can be a bitch to change.

I'm not certain what the hell my real point is right now. I'm just trying to give you something to think about for a moment. Our whole lives are shaped and governed to our choices. From the TV shows we watch, music we listen to, the Soap we use. When we take a shower, or call somebody up on the phone. Even doing the dishes. Same is said for ending or starting a new relationship.

There are always consequences and out comes for our choices, be it things like what happens when you don't do the dishes. Be it the out comes for getting involved with somebody who ain't right for us on some level. We weigh the pro's and con's and the tradeoffs. Well.. you get the idea here.

Our choices effect or affect us more than we like admit to ourselves.



< Message edited by Whiplashsmile4 -- 7/22/2010 10:36:06 AM >

_____________________________

Жизнь ума ебет.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUzJI4Palq0

(in reply to jujubeeMB)
Profile   Post #: 102
RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/22/2010 9:39:15 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Myself when young did eagerly frequent
Doctor and Saint, and heard great Argument
About it and about: but evermore
Came out by the same Door as in I went.

~ Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam ~
(Translation of the Rubaiyat by Edward J. Fitzgerald (1859).)

Meaning:

Pursuing knowledge in childhood we rise
Until we become masterful and wise
But if we look through the disguise
We see the ties of worldly lies.

(This is a free translation (again in poetic form, mainly quatrain, though not always so), with the objective of conveying the intended meaning.)

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Whiplashsmile4)
Profile   Post #: 103
RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/22/2010 10:00:01 PM   
Firebirdseeking


Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline 		Perhaps this is an oversimplification, but here is what I hear:  in REAL LIFE, he did not meet your needs.  The person he is did not respect and honor the person you are.  However, when he began to relate to you through the ROLE of a dominant - which he knows how to play, like a good actor playing a part - he got you to respond.

However, someone acting out a role is not the same as who the person the actor really is.  Its easy to be hooked by a good actor.

(in reply to jujubeeMB)
Profile   Post #: 104
RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/22/2010 10:54:39 PM   
interlocutor


Posts: 68
Joined: 3/1/2007
Status: offline 		I've only skimmed the posts in this thread so I apologize if this is repetitive.

First, I think you might be more control sensitive than you are admitting to your self. Meaning you actually do want to be more submissive than you were allowing yourself to be in the relationship in question.

Second, whatever level of power exchange there was in your last relationship, your ending the relationship is only the beginning of taking back control. Taking back control is not instant, it is a process. You have taken the control away from your ex, but that is not the same and being in control yourself, and unless you make conscious effort to strengthen your own control over your life, you can be susceptible in situations like this, especially since you know that he is trying to re-establish control over you. He admitted as much to you when he told you he intended to get you to take him back. This is hard because, being control sensitive and submissive, you want that control to rest with someone else. If it makes it easier to understand, you can think of it like a drug addiction because it pretty much is. You are/were going through withdrawals and he offered you another taste, and you took it. Look how you reacted, you said it yourself, "I didn't ever want to come up - it was intoxicating." Our brains make some kick ass drugs. At the time it felt great, but what were the consequences? Don't beat yourself up and try to be tough about it, instead realize how destructive it can be to "get your fix" because nothing is free. Then resume the process of taking back control over your life (self, desires, emotions etc.) Understand that, it probably won't be as satisfying, as being in a relationship where you are able to give up control, but that is the nature of being a control sensitive person. This doesn't mean you have to be miserable, just that you are waiting to find they right person to whom it is healthy for you to give control.

Control sensitive people who are dominant often have an intuitive ability to "push peoples buttons" but this is not an indicator that they understand the needs of control sensitive submissives, rather it is way for them to get their fix too. IMO this is the exact reason dominants have to be more self aware and understand the submissive nature better than the submissive needs to understand themselves. It is their responsibility exercise the control they are given without being destructive and without allowing the submissive to be self destructive.

So in this situation, assuming you were not able to consciously influence the control dynamic that occurred, you may not be culpable, but you are still responsible.

< Message edited by interlocutor -- 7/22/2010 11:02:38 PM >

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 105
RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/23/2010 12:58:59 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Interesting posts interlocutor, I can only assume you were addressing the OP and not my philosophical post. Perhaps you wrote it following mine and another posted ere you could do so. Such things happen often here. 

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to interlocutor)
Profile   Post #: 106
RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/23/2010 1:07:26 AM   
interlocutor


Posts: 68
Joined: 3/1/2007
Status: offline 		Yes my post was in response to the OP... I used the quick post at the bottom... didn't expect it tagged as a reply to you.

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 107
RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/23/2010 2:15:02 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		I don't get this at all... and people do this so often... i understand it more if there is a house to sell or children to care for... but two otherwise unattached lovers splitting up... why on earth would you be on the phone with them? .... let alone let the conversation wander off into fantasy land where hot kidnaps and rapes happen... i mean what the fuck... did you really have enough of him?... it doesn't seem so.

so since you actually did not put the phone down on him when you should have... i can only assume you still hold a torch for him...

you will probably go back to him... most people who act this way do

Also it seems he is to be trusted, as you say... and i think you are quite lucky there, are you sure you want to throw that away?... 
Will any new man be trustworthy like that? Especially if you meet him through this dating site under your existing nickname... he might have read all this and know much more about how to play you than you should be comfortable with...


(in reply to jujubeeMB)
Profile   Post #: 108
RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/23/2010 9:05:03 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja

I don't get this at all... and people do this so often... i understand it more if there is a house to sell or children to care for... but two otherwise unattached lovers splitting up... why on earth would you be on the phone with them? .... let alone let the conversation wander off into fantasy land where hot kidnaps and rapes happen... i mean what the fuck... did you really have enough of him?... it doesn't seem so.


I really have to address this, because it is a common perception, and probably a common occurrence in our modern culture that, when people separate, they're automatically ENEMIES who never speak to one another again and who do their best, when they -do- have to interact, to make one another's lives miserable.

I have to tell you, this -isn't- always the way that it is. I stay in touch with ALL of my old mates/companions/lovers. My ex-husband and I are good friends and occasionally more, and my current companions, whether we live together or not, are at least friends. Sometimes, you can't maintain a certain type of relationship with someone, or maintain a certain dynamic. Sometimes people change -- and sometimes they -don't- when you really -needed- them to... and so that particular relationship ends... but sometimes, there are still other aspects of relationship that are still part of what people enjoy about each other, and there is nothing wrong with that.

I can't live with or be married to my ex-husband. He's a great guy, but the way he interacts with life is completely dysfunctional for me, and my extremely intense, bossy, and chaotic nature is a nightmare for him. We got married before we realized this about one another (I think it was that we were just way too young to understand just how annoying the other person's personality would become over -years-, and how grating those 'cute flaws' would become). However, he -still- gets a kick out of the strange things I do, and I -still- enjoy sitting down and discussing philosophy with him... and... well.. physical stuff, because that was NEVER our problem. Should we have to hate one another just because we figured out that we're happier and healthier if we don't live together? That's just ridiculous.

I am a strong advocate for taking a -real- break from someone that you've ended a relationship with. However, that doesn't mean that, in six months or a year, if the situation allows for it, you can't establish a -new- dynamic on which to base a friendship, and it doesn't mean that the reasons someone ended the previous dynamic were invalid... it just recognizes that sometimes the people in our lives have a value that transcends a particular dynamic.

Calla


_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 109
RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/23/2010 9:11:18 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja

I don't get this at all... and people do this so often... i understand it more if there is a house to sell or children to care for... but two otherwise unattached lovers splitting up... why on earth would you be on the phone with them? .... let alone let the conversation wander off into fantasy land where hot kidnaps and rapes happen... i mean what the fuck... did you really have enough of him?... it doesn't seem so.


I really have to address this, because it is a common perception, and probably a common occurrence in our modern culture that, when people separate, they're automatically ENEMIES who never speak to one another again and who do their best, when they -do- have to interact, to make one another's lives miserable.

I have to tell you, this -isn't- always the way that it is. I stay in touch with ALL of my old mates/companions/lovers. My ex-husband and I are good friends and occasionally more, and my current companions, whether we live together or not, are at least friends. Sometimes, you can't maintain a certain type of relationship with someone, or maintain a certain dynamic. Sometimes people change -- and sometimes they -don't- when you really -needed- them to... and so that particular relationship ends... but sometimes, there are still other aspects of relationship that are still part of what people enjoy about each other, and there is nothing wrong with that.




Agreed. I don't think hating or totally severing ties with an ex is always a necessity either, in fact I attempt to avoid that if I can. In this case, given the effect jujubee has said he has on her, I do think a period of time without contact until she gets back on her feet may be a good idea.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
Profile   Post #: 110
RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/23/2010 9:21:31 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3


Agreed. I don't think hating or totally severing ties with an ex is always a necessity either, in fact I attempt to avoid that if I can. In this case, given the effect jujubee has said he has on her, I do think a period of time without contact until she gets back on her feet may be a good idea.


Absolutely agreed... on a case-by-case basis, sometimes cutting all ties, and even cutting them permanently is the best possible outcome. What got me in the PRP (previous response post) that I quoted was the idea that, once you end a relationship, there is something -wrong- or -sick- if the adults involved maintain contact, or even, dare I say it, -friendship- with the ex.... it was, specifically, this attitude that triggered my comment. *smiles*

Calla


_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 111
RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/23/2010 9:42:14 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

I am a strong advocate for taking a -real- break from someone that you've ended a relationship with. However, that doesn't mean that, in six months or a year, if the situation allows for it, you can't establish a -new- dynamic on which to base a friendship, and it doesn't mean that the reasons someone ended the previous dynamic were invalid... it just recognizes that sometimes the people in our lives have a value that transcends a particular dynamic.


I really loved this portion of your comment. It takes a very mature person to recognize this and admit it to themselves and the other party. It's often easier to deny the truth and move forward rather than investing in the relationship and building bridges instead.

~porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
Profile   Post #: 112
RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/23/2010 10:17:33 AM   
MHAP


Posts: 58
Joined: 9/17/2009
Status: offline 		firebirdseeking has the right spin on this... speaking from past exp. ... ( just saying....)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking

Perhaps this is an oversimplification, but here is what I hear:  in REAL LIFE, he did not meet your needs.  The person he is did not respect and honor the person you are.  However, when he began to relate to you through the ROLE of a dominant - which he knows how to play, like a good actor playing a part - he got you to respond.

However, someone acting out a role is not the same as who the person the actor really is.  Its easy to be hooked by a good actor.


(in reply to Firebirdseeking)
Profile   Post #: 113
RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/23/2010 12:01:00 PM   
interlocutor


Posts: 68
Joined: 3/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW
.... What got me in the PRP (previous response post) that I quoted was the idea that, once you end a relationship, there is something -wrong- or -sick- if the adults involved maintain contact, or even, dare I say it, -friendship- with the ex.... it was, specifically, this attitude that triggered my comment. *smiles*


I just read that post 3 times, and I don't see where she ever said it was -wrong- or -sick- to to maintain contact. Maybe I'm looking at a different post though. She said she didn't understand it. And really, it isn't an unreasonable question. Also I wouldn't characterize having deeply erotic fantasy conversation, and giving consent to non-consensual act as simply "maintaining contact" with a recent ex.





(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
Profile   Post #: 114
RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/23/2010 12:10:14 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		In my experience when you break up with someone, beyond sharing kids or a business, etc. there really is no good reason to stay in touch. And in situations like this with juju and many other really hurtful breakups, cutting ties is the healthiest thing to do.

If you can both keep it cool, great, but when people say they still have great feelings for ALL their exes I have to wonder, then why are they all exes?

Usually, one or both of the partners still harbors feelings, negative or positive, and there is an imbalance that can tip whatever "friendship" you are trying to maintain, into another round of drama.

Even when two people are amicably ending (my ex husband for example) sometimes you cannot remain in touch because of the new people in your lives. My ex hubby and I were still best of friends when I divorced him until he met his current wife. She went completely bonkers over the fact that we were friends and made such a big deal that we had to stop being friends.

Too often people are loathe to let any type of relationship go, even friendships that have run their course and they hold on and try to keep contacting the person involved, who often does not want to kept in contact with.

Life is too short to hold on to things that once were. Far better to find new people and relationships.

(in reply to interlocutor)
Profile   Post #: 115
RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/23/2010 10:39:43 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

If you can both keep it cool, great, but when people say they still have great feelings for ALL their exes I have to wonder, then why are they all exes?


In my case, except for the couple of cases where the ending was messy and legal issues came into play, they're exes because they wanted something different out of an intimate relationship than I did, or they just burned out on being 24/7 around someone with the intensity level that I tend to maintain, and I encouraged them to find what they wanted when it turned out that I wasn't a good fit. We stayed friends -- they just made romantic relationships elsewhere.

As for the authority-based relationships, I don't get involved in romantic liasons with people that I hold power over, so those typically ended because they wanted romance in their lives. I don't mix the two, so it made sense for them to gravitate towards other family members who could meet those needs.

I am the first one to admit that I'm chaotic. I don't stay 'tied down' well, and I'm very intense, so I understand when, after a while, people just need something a little less.... outre. That doesn't mean we can't still be friends. *shrugs*

Calla


_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 116
RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/25/2010 5:59:10 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		Calla, there is nothing wrong with remaining on a friendly basis with an ex and especially if financial things or raising of children are involved that is very much desired instead of being enemies and fighting about all sorts... and as pointed out by someone else i do not think it is sick or twisted at all, it is just that remaining 'friends' in certain situations is totally inappropriate and unrealistic.

i don't think it is normal to be 'best' friends after a split up... nor do i think being enemies and hating each other is a good thing.

And if you have just ended a long(ish) relationship and there a no other ties, i see no reason whatsoever to be on the phone with eachother... if you need to talk then phone a friend, not your freshly ex lover for christ sake... and if you need some therapeutic sex adventure why not do some cyber...
It seems totally stupid to me (as i think juju thinks herself as i see from how she titled her thread) to remain contact especially of a sexual nature with a supposedly ex-lover... it sends out extremely confusing and wrong messages.
She should get her head straight and stop playing games... either go back to him and work on their differences, or cut all ties and move on, she has the power to do either.

Further more i would change my nickname if i were her and here to meet someone for real... i would not like any too enthusiastic Dom thinking he might make a good impression by surprising me with a kidnap and rape scenario on our first meet.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
Profile   Post #: 117
RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/25/2010 1:17:46 PM   
lobodomslavery


Posts: 2477
Joined: 1/17/2008
Status: offline 		Play kidnapping is ok as long as it is play and the person can get out of it at any moment or request to be released and the kidnapper accedes to this , real kidnapping is totally not ok, the person being kidnapped unless She /he gives his/her full consent to being really kidnapped, would I assume have full recourse to reporting the matter to the relevant authority I certainly would as real kidnapping is a big NO
kevin

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 118
RE: Power and Stupidity - 7/29/2010 2:57:02 PM   
Jennashawk


Posts: 2
Joined: 7/28/2010
Status: offline 		Okay i have been through a few relationships where the Dom was not so much a dom as a sick batard. This guy sounda like one of those. Your situation sounds likeo ne that oculd get real dangerous real fast and my advice is that You are doing the right thng in getting out. Get away from this guy and stay away. This is my humble opinion.
stay safe
hawk

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 119
Page:   <<   < prev  2 3 4 5 [6]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Power and Stupidity Page: <<   < prev  2 3 4 5 [6]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.095