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RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/23/2010 4:42:50 PM

Jeffff

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You should stand in front.

You are rather short.

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RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/23/2010 4:43:43 PM

xxblushesxx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

Personally, I would definitely object to the airing of any disagreements I had in a relationship.

But damn.... I do so love it when others do it...:)

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RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/23/2010 4:43:44 PM

mstrjx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

quote:

I'm not referring to the posts asking for general relationship advice or responses that use those relationships by example, I mean the ones that actually say my guy cannot get it up, or air every relationship issue in detail, especially when only one party is present for and consents to that disclosure.

Is there a line that you feel should be drawn?

In general, no. I'm being presumptuous, but I believe that people come here to say something because they need feedback. Sometimes they can't puzzle out their own issues, no matter how mundane. (Think what you will of their common sense skills.)

Then there are those who really just talk because they can't help themselves. They go on and on about the most mundane crap. I get this in the outside world just because of my job. There will be at least a time or two a day when I'll just want to interrupt (politely, of course), and say....

"Are you still talking? WHY???"

Jeff

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RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/23/2010 4:45:49 PM

laurell3

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quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

I have to say that I used to be much more open about my personal issues, but as I've spent more time here and on the internet, I've realized that I was out of bounds.

If I had a serious issue now, I'd either talk to other lifestyle people I know off the boards, or post anonymously. But like I said, it took me some time to learn that.

I'm kind of nosy anyway, so it doesn't really bother me when people bring their issues here. Just don't make me part of your punishment, please.

Why did you feel like you were out of bounds?

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RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/23/2010 4:48:24 PM

laurell3

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I suppose the first thing that I'm going to ask is what kind of dirty laundry are we talking about here?

It occurs to Me that it's easy to share the good stuff. When everybody is happy and everything is wonderful, we want to share those things. There's a lot to be said for things running smoothly and everything is in place. It all looks so effortless to have a perfect dynamic when all you do is talk about the success.

Which is great, if you want to paint some fairy-tale picture of life. It makes for a great story to say "and they lived happily ever after". (I'm repressing an urge to start singing. Welcome to Duloc, it's the perfect place ala Shrek.) I'm not especially sure that is an accurate representation.

It's not nearly as easy to come here and ask for advice of others when people are having bumps in the road. Especially in those cases where everybody else is painting that perfect picture to compare your dynamic against. At the same time, it might be the only way for some folks to hear stories that will actually help them in their current situation. By talking to people who might have been before in the exact place where they are now and getting constructive advice on what they can do.

I've literally sent clip here after the first time that I punished him. I wanted him to get input from other people and give him the opportunity to hear how other submissives dealt with their feelings of being punished. Sure, I could have told him stories of past submissives that I'd had or allowed him to wait until the next submissive sig (special interest group), but neither of them were really going to fit what he needed at the time. I wanted him to hear other people's experiences in an area that he was dealing with for the first time.

I suppose what I'm saying is, I'm not especially sure that all I think this place can be used for is the light and fluffy, happy, happy, joy, joy aspect of a D/s or M/s dynamic. It makes for great fairy-tales, but it's not always an accurate dipiction of life.

Are there personal things that clip could not post on a public forum? Do you have a line?

****

People I am not suggesting that there is an answer...I'm asking where your line is and what your reaction is when someone else talking about their personal issues crosses that line.

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RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/23/2010 4:50:40 PM

Jeffff

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If I may answer that.... and even if I may not.

You hang out at a place like this and you start to think you really know people. Maybe you start treating them like real friends.

Maybe they even are.

Then there are the other folks.

They start giving you a bunch of shitty advice because they don't know what the real deal is or they have some form of mild retardation.

Who wants to read what knuckleheads think about a serious personal issue?

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RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/23/2010 4:50:53 PM

laurell3

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quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

Everyone draws their own line, and they deal with the consequences, whatever they are.
Unless they are breaking tos, and not naming real names, then no...I guess there is no line.

What blushes said, I think.

I don't talk about my personal life on the boards. There's a list of people I'd talk to if I were having a problem, and I would do that privately. But I have to respect others' desires to hear a broader range of opinions. Should people post details of their partners without the partners' consent? That's a grey area-sometimes letting the partner know would invalidate the advice. It's a question of the partner's right to privacy versus the poster's right to solicit advice.

Difficult one, Laurell. I don't know where I stand.

Thank you.

I guess I didn't word the op that well....but this is the type of thing I was looking for.

Why would you only do it privately?

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RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/23/2010 4:52:06 PM

juliaoceania

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I think it is so contextual an answer, where the line is, I can't answer it.

If someone whom we do not recognize brings up embarrassing personal stuff, would you view it the same as a long established poster? Which would rub you the wrong way more? Would your previous interactions with the poster direct how you felt about it?

Since it would depend entirely on context, I just don't know.

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RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/23/2010 4:57:47 PM

laurell3

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

If I may answer that....

haha it would never work to say no to that on so many different levels.

To answer for myself, we have agreed to never do this. Whenever I post anything that I believe is remotely about us, I ask him if he agrees with me posting it. It's not just MY life to share. It's not just my consent necessary to share those details. When I was in relationships with people that weren't on the forums, I did the same thing.

I will never post anything negative about Jeff on these forums, not because our relationship (which is still very new) is perfect, but because, honestly, I don't want a whole bunch of anonymous people in the middle of it and I also never want to take the risk of embarassing him publicly. I also would not post anonymously.

Edited to add: we also have a rule that we go to each other first before we talk to anyone else about relationship issues.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 7/23/2010 5:22:28 PM >

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RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/23/2010 5:00:18 PM

xxblushesxx

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I found that I was out of bounds because I was being disrespectful to people I love and were close to. Posting in a forum like this can tend to tarnish the actuality of the relationship...you only get so much info, and then you as an outsider, form and share opinions. I know, I do it all the time!

Oh, and yeah...sometimes (lots of times...) HM can be an ass...but he's *my* ass...and I don't feel like letting everyone know everything any longer.

eta...I have no idea why this is bolded now...I didn't do it...grrrr

< Message edited by xxblushesxx -- 7/23/2010 5:03:17 PM >

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RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/23/2010 5:06:34 PM

laurell3

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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I think it is so contextual an answer, where the line is, I can't answer it.

If someone whom we do not recognize brings up embarrassing personal stuff, would you view it the same as a long established poster? Which would rub you the wrong way more? Would your previous interactions with the poster direct how you felt about it?

Since it would depend entirely on context, I just don't know.

I don't know julia, those are good questions, I definitely don't know the significant other of some of these posters that do rub me the wrong way, so I guess yes.

Maybe my reaction is more based on the fact that I just don't see some of these overly detailed and sometimes intimate posts being all that productive and definitely because I do believe that disclosing that information even anonymously should be done with consent...I may be in the minority here, I know.

The prime example is the subs that come on here and tell us everything bad about their Dom, everyone responds well god he's a jackass....then they say...wait but, he's not. Of course that's the response they are going to get, because that is the only information they are giving. In the end they run away upset, we know think guy x is a total asshat (and he probably isn't) and hell...how helpful was that to their issue? Was it worth sharing their details?

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RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/23/2010 5:07:17 PM

mstrjx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

(lots of times...) HM can be an ass...but he's *my* ass....

eta...I have no idea why this is bolded now...I didn't do it...grrrr

Cause when he's an ass he's rather bold about it?

Jeff

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RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/23/2010 5:08:03 PM

CynthiaWVirginia

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Maybe it was my years in California, where people I knew talked about EVERYTHING at the drop of a hat.

Maybe it was from years of therapy, dealing with my PTSD, that made me get used to talking about everything...at the drop of a hat.

Maybe it was because the first forum I ever went to on the internet, and stayed there for two years and became a mod, most of the ladies there became close friends. We shared everything, helped each other through everything...nobody was bitchy. It did NOT prepare me for this forum, lol.

I feel like this:

quote:

...if I think that relating some difficult episode from my life will help someone else out more than I will help myself by keeping quiet, I will do so.

and this:

quote:

It's not nearly as easy to come here and ask for advice of others when people are having bumps in the road. Especially in those cases where everybody else is painting that perfect picture to compare your dynamic against. At the same time, it might be the only way for some folks to hear stories that will actually help them in their current situation. By talking to people who might have been before in the exact place where they are now and getting constructive advice on what they can do.

If someone needs to put all my postings on block because I often talk about hard issues, and spew out life experiences, then I am glad they are standing up for themselves in this manner and are doing the right thing. I've already been to counseling for years, and y'all people aren't it. I get something else here, different viewpoints. I actually enjoy it when someone like QSM makes me bristle sometimes, lol. He attacks issues and I like that about him.

Most people who make their way to the message boards because they are having a problem with a specific person who is usually not a member of the message boards...I don*t have a problem with that. One of the most important things newbies are told is to talk with their dominant, and to be safe. Most people giving advice have theirs bristling with qualifiers like, "I'm only hearing your side of this, but..." People should also be made aware that they could hurt the other person by talking about it here and actually humiliate and destroy all trust. All of this information is sometimes necessary.

I have been having troubles with someone I have been interested in, and I have alluded to that on several occasions. He knows I go to the message boards and I have invited him to read from here freely as well as any posting I have ever made. I do not want to be advised to kick him to the curb, and I do not want to be scoffed at for not being dommely/omnipotent enough to never wish to hear the opinions of others. So I chose not to make a new thread. I have also left little warnings about when I am in topdrop, and might rip someone's head off and beat them up with it if they go after me while I'm in that mood. I try to be nice, and fair.

Maybe I made a mistake for asking in private for a male opinion, but that was my judgment call to make. I have not used this forum to publically humiliate anyone I have ever been with.

Some places get so tedious when everybody has nothing to talk about except how horney they are or about the weather, yanno? I couldn't enjoy a site that didn't talk about real life issues.

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RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/23/2010 5:10:33 PM

VaguelyCurious

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quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

Why would you only do it privately?

Several reasons:

1) I just don't want several thousand people (I think sometimes people forget about the readership size of these forums) to have access a permanent record of my personal problems. I am an intensely private person; a close friend used to joke that he'd know I was about to break up with someone as soon as I actually told him what her name was.

2) As a consequence, if something personal is bothering me enough that I'm driven to ask for advice it's going to be close to the bone. I don't want to lose control of the conversation-something that happens as soon as you start a thread. Much as Domi makes me laugh, for example, I don't think I could take him slagging off a genuine struggle I was having without feeling hurt.

3) There's no way of putting this politely. There are a whole lot of people on these boards whose opinions I have no respect for. Why throw the doors open to them all, when I could just email one or two of you who I respect and who I think might have been where I'm coming from? I want quality, not quantity, when it comes to advice.

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RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/23/2010 5:11:04 PM

laurell3

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AQuietSimpleMan

When looking for advice, when you ask a question without detail people decide to fill in the blanks.

I can show you 20 posts saying leave someone, or someone's Master is abusive, or Run don't Walk, for ever one post you find where someone says stay and work it out.

This is one of those things that bothers me.

QSM

Of course that happens AQSM, the threads are written to tell us the worst possible things about the other person in the relationship...all the information that we have is negative. This is one of my points, not only is one airing all of their personal difficulties, the process is so flawed that the advice is almost worthless.

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RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/23/2010 5:12:20 PM

laurell3

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quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

Why would you only do it privately?

Several reasons:

1) I just don't want several thousand people (I think sometimes people forget about the readership size of these forums) to have access a permanent record of my personal problems. I am an intensely private person; a close friend used to joke that he'd know I was about to break up with someone as soon as I actually told him what her name was.

2) As a consequence, if something personal is bothering me enough that I'm driven to ask for advice it's going to be close to the bone. I don't want to lose control of the conversation-something that happens as soon as you start a thread. Much as Domi makes me laugh, for example, I don't think I could take him slagging off a genuine struggle I was having without feeling hurt.

3) There's no way of putting this politely. There are a whole lot of people on these boards whose opinions I have no respect for. Why throw the doors open to them all, when I could just email one or two of you who I respect and who I think might have been where I'm coming from? I want quality, not quantity, when it comes to advice.

Very good points. thanks again VC

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I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/23/2010 5:15:49 PM

Aileen1968

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I have discussed my divorce here, but not in negative ways.
I have aired dirty laundry once here in a thread with another poster that I had a dysfunctional relationship with at one time.
It was not pleasant. I think it happened because there was a tremendous lack of respect between us.
I answer questions here dealing with how Shore and I interact and have a successful relationship.
I will never discuss truly emotional and personal details of us. He is too important to me to do that.

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RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/23/2010 5:16:02 PM

bestheadyet

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qsm.... said it well for me

As for airing of the dirty laundry, where else should one air something that is bothering them when part of their issue is that part of that laundry is the person they are with....... who else are they expected to turn to.... other than other people in the lifestyle who should understand, but what I see happeneing more often is condem them for being a part of it in the first place..

anytime i have posted it was because i am a bit new.....and have no RL lifestyle folk to turn to.....tell a shrink,watch them take my minor child..... SO,if i need advice i try to keep it as vague as possible,,,,,then clarification comes ,,,,then i have disrespected after i had diarrhea of the mouth....well you see how it kinda rolls downhill for me...

hope you all are having a nice friday
oxoxoox

< Message edited by bestheadyet -- 7/23/2010 5:18:37 PM >

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RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/23/2010 5:18:39 PM

laurell3

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Again, I am not comdemning those that chose to do it, I am asking a question about where the line is drawn.

I do think that you were a victim of the process I just pointed out...when you come here and give limited info, you get limited advice and people really never have much idea what the hell is going on, but yet have conclusions nonetheless.

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RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/23/2010 5:22:33 PM

VaguelyCurious

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quote:

ORIGINAL: bestheadyet

As for airing of the dirty laundry, where else should one air something that is bothering them when part of their issue is that part of that laundry is the person they are with....... who else are they expected to turn to.... other than other people in the lifestyle

I can see the logic in this.

Maybe I got lucky, in that I joined CM at a time when I was at a very relaxed point; I *had* no problems, and by the time I hit issues again I'd worked out who to talk to.

I can't say I wouldn't have done what you did, had I turned up here in a situation like yours.

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