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RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/24/2010 2:47:31 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

Peon, what you need to bring to the boards is finishing that story about the boy on boy!!!

Thanks for the input, I don't think it's that harsh personally.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to PeonForHer)

Post #: 81

RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/24/2010 2:53:31 PM

yellowroses

Posts: 167
Joined: 6/12/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I suppose the first thing that I'm going to ask is what kind of dirty laundry are we talking about here?

It occurs to Me that it's easy to share the good stuff. When everybody is happy and everything is wonderful, we want to share those things. There's a lot to be said for things running smoothly and everything is in place. It all looks so effortless to have a perfect dynamic when all you do is talk about the success.

Which is great, if you want to paint some fairy-tale picture of life. It makes for a great story to say "and they lived happily ever after". (I'm repressing an urge to start singing. Welcome to Duloc, it's the perfect place ala Shrek.) I'm not especially sure that is an accurate representation.

It's not nearly as easy to come here and ask for advice of others when people are having bumps in the road. Especially in those cases where everybody else is painting that perfect picture to compare your dynamic against. At the same time, it might be the only way for some folks to hear stories that will actually help them in their current situation. By talking to people who might have been before in the exact place where they are now and getting constructive advice on what they can do.

I've literally sent clip here after the first time that I punished him. I wanted him to get input from other people and give him the opportunity to hear how other submissives dealt with their feelings of being punished. Sure, I could have told him stories of past submissives that I'd had or allowed him to wait until the next submissive sig (special interest group), but neither of them were really going to fit what he needed at the time. I wanted him to hear other people's experiences in an area that he was dealing with for the first time.

I suppose what I'm saying is, I'm not especially sure that all I think this place can be used for is the light and fluffy, happy, happy, joy, joy aspect of a D/s or M/s dynamic. It makes for great fairy-tales, but it's not always an accurate dipiction of life.

LP-I love the way you express things and your point of view.
When I first read this post I thought "Yah, why do people do that?" After reading what you wrote it changed what I thought about it. I agree with you and think that seeing the good and the bad is important. Sometimes though people may be "airing their dirty laundry" when they know that the other person in the situation is on collarme and will read it. So I think they post out of vengence/revenge or because they don't/won't/tried to go directly to the person and discuss it.

OP-Most of the time I enjoy reading other peoples experiences. Except when their seems to be some other motivation behind it.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 82

RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/24/2010 4:28:27 PM

cpK69

Posts: 1593
Joined: 5/9/2008
Status: offline

Thoughts after read through:

About drawing lines…

I stop when I can answer a question myself; since I do a lot of thinking over the things that interest me, this happens most often.

or when I suspect the general response will be unproductive; enabling other’s ‘train wreck’ fetish; not my thing.

I’d also limit how much emotion I’d use to color the op, and additional responses. I learned flame war prevention early on.

The other thing that came to mind while reading what others had to say on the topic; it is one thing to come here and flash my ass to the crowd, it is another to pants someone else. The later is something I try to avoid all together.

Kim

_____________________________

Humility is where weakness and strength meet and humanity begins.

one voice

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

Post #: 83

RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/24/2010 4:49:06 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cpK69

Thoughts after read through:

About drawing lines…

The other thing that came to mind while reading what others had to say on the topic; it is one thing to come here and flash my ass to the crowd, it is another to pants someone else. The later is something I try to avoid all together.

Kim

Kim I agree with this totally and the metaphor rocks too!

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to cpK69)

Post #: 84

RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/24/2010 5:06:18 PM

Outlier2

Posts: 258
Joined: 11/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven

From my Blog:

"As a slave, one of the greatest services i provide to my Owner, and myself, and our relationship, is privacy. Privacy is a core foundation of trust, it is what enables us to hold that sacred, safe place between him and me, and it is what facilitates his ability to act out any and all of his desires with me, without fear of it being shared and judged by others. Nobody needs to know our private business, whether it is activities we do in the bedroom, the dungeon, or the latest relationship discussion we had about fine-tuning our interactions. Nobody, but he and i, needs to know these things."

"The heart belongs in the chest and not on the sleeve. When you are private, you protect your Dominant man, you protect your relationship, and you protect yourself. As spoken by the actress Jacqee Gafford, “You become less a satellite, and more a sun.""

Link here if anyone is interested.

This is the best thing in this thread.
In fact, I believe it is one of the best things I have ever seen here.

Thank you for it.

Outlier

_____________________________

Posting for Outlier _ Avatar xkcd.com

"A happy sex life may take years to achieve, but it’s worth it in the long run.
Worth the time, the thought - or rather, the thoughtfulness -and, often, the waiting."
Pete Seeger

(in reply to UniqueRaven)

Post #: 85

RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/24/2010 6:13:01 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

I agree, but I can say that about almost all of Unique's posts, although this one does reflect my own personal viewpoint as well (minus the slave role).

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Outlier2)

Post #: 86

RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/24/2010 7:44:15 PM

cpK69

Posts: 1593
Joined: 5/9/2008
Status: offline

Thanks, Laurell.

Kim

_____________________________

Humility is where weakness and strength meet and humanity begins.

one voice

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 87

RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/24/2010 8:02:14 PM

realwhiteknight

Posts: 428
Joined: 7/13/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

quote:

ORIGINAL: realwhiteknight
Hey!!! It's Don Imus!!!

Nice to meet you, Don Imus. I'm the Log Lady from Twin Peaks.

That's Dom to you and very nice to see you, too.

Is it Dom Imus or Dom Don Imus?

_____________________________

I carry a log - yes. Is it funny to you? It is not to me.

Behind all things are reasons. Reasons can even explain the absurd. Do we have the time to learn the reasons behind the human being's varied behavior? I think not. Some take the time.

(in reply to DomImus)

Post #: 88

RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/25/2010 1:32:14 AM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

quote:

I'm not referring to the posts asking for general relationship advice or responses that use those relationships by example, I mean the ones that actually say my guy cannot get it up, or air every relationship issue in detail, especially when only one party is present for and consents to that disclosure.

Again, I am not referring to general requests for relationship advice. Please re-read the OP.

I am referring to specific instances of people coming on a public forum to declare that their husband/bf cannot get it up anymore, or worse yet, air their relationship squabbles when other parties in that relationship are on this forum.

Is there a line that you feel should be drawn?

i was on the receiving end of that once actually twice, only once it was done anonymously, but it didnt change how it felt. in my poly relationship, my sister sub wrote a thread on the poly board asking what youd do if you cant get on with youre poly sister. she disclaimed that it wasnt personal but i doubt anyone was convinced. it was really hurtful. (she doesnt come to these boards anymore, so i feel its ok to write this or i wouldnt otherwise)

under those circumstances, i can tell you, its not very nice at all. so when i read something along those lines it makes me cringe inwardly and i feel for the person being written about. if its someone i know, as has happened in the past too, i can get really protective

i dont think it happens very often, but i do think that when its done its for the purpose of 'hurting' or 'getting at' the person theyre writting about, which makes it pretty shitty all round.

the rest of the time, if done anonymously i think its almost along the lines of 'Dear Agony Aunt' type stuff - and that i can deal with

< Message edited by lally2 -- 7/25/2010 1:34:36 AM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 89

RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/25/2010 3:09:16 AM

SaintAllie

Posts: 158
Joined: 3/23/2006
Status: offline

Airing private lives is a bit like being back in high school. Some people just don't know when to shut up.

I don't agree that this is the only venue for some to air their problems, regardless of whether they are lacking kink friendly sounding boards or not.

It's simple enough to make a new name just to ask for opinions here if you have to.

For me personally, no, I don't bring my issues, because my issues are not for public consumption.

For others.. if they need to bring their issues to the boards, they know the risks ( putting anything online can bite you in the arse).. and balance the consequences.

Allie

edited for clarity

< Message edited by SaintAllie -- 7/25/2010 3:13:52 AM >

_____________________________

........"I am determined to press onward through my fears. When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid." ---Audre Lorde

Keep NZ nuclear free..

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 90

RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/25/2010 6:00:39 AM

cpK69

Posts: 1593
Joined: 5/9/2008
Status: offline

If you don’t mind helping me to understand…

Why were you hurt over their having a problem?

And for anyone in general…

Why is it okay if it is done behind the other persons back, but not to their face?

Kim

_____________________________

Humility is where weakness and strength meet and humanity begins.

one voice

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 91

RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/25/2010 6:59:52 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SaintAllie
It's simple enough to make a new name just to ask for opinions here if you have to.

For others.. if they need to bring their issues to the boards, they know the risks ( putting anything online can bite you in the arse).. and balance the consequences.

Allie

There's a drawback to this, Allie. While you are correct that a person can just make a new profile to ask a question about their personal relationship, it means they also have to take all that goes with that. In My opinion, it causes the responses to be more skeptical and certainly more cynical. Even when people include the obligatory "this profile was specifically created to ask this question due to not wanting to be recognized under regular screen name", their validity is often immediately called into question. This can be especially true if the problem they are presenting is even remotely considered wanking material. Anonymity may be saved, but it brings an additional number of problems with it. A risk they might be willing to take, of course, but it also reduces the amount of legitimate advice that they will receive.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to SaintAllie)

Post #: 92

RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/25/2010 7:49:30 AM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cpK69

Why is it okay if it is done behind the other persons back, but not to their face?

Because it's not just 'to their face', it's 'to their face in front of a load of people they communicate with on a regular basis, and who they may not want to know all the intimate details of their personal relationships'.

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.

(in reply to cpK69)

Post #: 93

RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/25/2010 7:52:08 AM

UniqueRaven

Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Outlier2

quote:

ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven

From my Blog:

"As a slave, one of the greatest services i provide to my Owner, and myself, and our relationship, is privacy. Privacy is a core foundation of trust, it is what enables us to hold that sacred, safe place between him and me, and it is what facilitates his ability to act out any and all of his desires with me, without fear of it being shared and judged by others. Nobody needs to know our private business, whether it is activities we do in the bedroom, the dungeon, or the latest relationship discussion we had about fine-tuning our interactions. Nobody, but he and i, needs to know these things."

"The heart belongs in the chest and not on the sleeve. When you are private, you protect your Dominant man, you protect your relationship, and you protect yourself. As spoken by the actress Jacqee Gafford, “You become less a satellite, and more a sun.""

Link here if anyone is interested.

This is the best thing in this thread.
In fact, I believe it is one of the best things I have ever seen here.

Thank you for it.

Outlier

Aw thank you very much, i'm glad you enjoyed it and found it useful.

Thank you too Laurell.....

Hugs!

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to Outlier2)

Post #: 94

RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/25/2010 7:52:19 AM

Musicmystery

Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Publicly airing your dirty laundry

Praise in public, criticize in private--always, whatever the relationship, work, friendship, romantic, etc.

Everything else is only ego run amuk.

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 95

RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/25/2010 7:54:22 AM

Musicmystery

Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Privacy is a core foundation of trust, it is what enables us to hold that sacred, safe place between him and me, and it is what facilitates his ability to act out any and all of his desires with me

Yup. You're not going to open up to what you can't trust.

(in reply to UniqueRaven)

Post #: 96

RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/25/2010 8:15:57 AM

cpK69

Posts: 1593
Joined: 5/9/2008
Status: offline

Thank you, VC. I guess what I'm wondering is, why isn't it just as intrusive (?) if the person being talked about is not there?

Kim

_____________________________

Humility is where weakness and strength meet and humanity begins.

one voice

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

Post #: 97

RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/27/2010 11:17:45 AM

AQuietSimpleMan

Posts: 1410
Joined: 11/15/2009
Status: offline

This Thread Bothers me.

No I'm not really bitching, cause it is what I expected to hear pretty much.

I am OPEN, I mean if you ask me I'll tell you just about anything you wanna know about my relationship, my partners are equally open. This is how we work. Sure there are times in which one must have Tact and one must present an image of composure that does not accurately portray how things are behind closed doors, but such is life sometimes.

Here is the issue. On-Line is neither public nor private, it is it’s own version of both. The people I would worry about knowing certain aspects of my life, I have no fear of finding me here, I mean even if they did manage to make it to CM how in the hell would they know I was “AQSM” so I don’t worry, Even on Profiles where I use my picture, face and everything, I have the main idea that if they managed to find me there then they must have had some interest in knowing such things or are the towns folk pitchforks and torches in hands. I have been around long enough to know that most of the times the people we worry about knowing certain things are people who already have issues with us, cause no one else has ever really “Found Out” anything about me.

All that being said, this is what bothers me, it would seem some people in this thread have never felt like they were lost. I post some very personal things on threads, because I don’t know what else to do. After working out everything I possibly can, after asking everyone in my private circle and still not having enough non-bias information I turn to the only place that I feel I can. I turn to a community of people who are supposed to have some of the same interests I do, in hopes that of all the thousands that are there, one or two might have some experience in what I am going through. I got the QUALITY information from those I have in my personal circle, and when that isn’t enough, I turn to QUANTITY instead.

What gets to me is that some people rather than seeing someone in pain or in the middle of something that is difficult for them and walking away knowing that they have nothing that can help the situation, they feel the need to make it worse, they feel the need to laugh.

The Laughing part bothers me the worst. I can’t help but think of High School when I hear that, The Taunts and Teases of those who have an Image to protect and can’t relate to someone who is having a hard time. I learned I can’t save my Face and my Ass at the same time and I would rather save my ass and lose my face any day.

Those who laugh at someone in pain I say are no different than those who treat a waiter like shit, those who would see someone being robbed and do nothing, I hold these people in the same contempt, it shows they have no humanity.

It is okay not to agree, or understand why someone has posted something personal, hell it’s okay to not relate at all and find it humorous, BUT to post that, to laugh out loud so to speak just makes you a lower life form in my eyes.

Like I said this thread bothered me, because I see that when someone is in pain (Not the fun kind) it is my job as a Human to leave the person no worse, and only better if I can, but never worse than when I found them.

QSM

_____________________________

Guy Stud =Vs= Girl Slut ~~ Debate ENDED!

"If a Key opens many locks, then it is a Master Key, If a Lock is opened by lots of keys, then it is a Shitty Lock"

(in reply to cpK69)

Post #: 98

RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/27/2010 11:28:29 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I think there is a difference between posting things that could be disparaging to one's partner and being open about your relationship.... I think about what i post in this way. would it embarrass my partner if others knew this? if the answer is "yes" I keep my mouth shut. I find that to be just common decency and respect for one's partner

I kinda draw the line at disparaging. If you write about your dom in such a way that people think he is an asshat, and they tell you so, well you have yourself to blame as you brought it here. I do not think it is something to "laugh" over... I think that people sometimes do not ask the question out loud before posting it here, and do not realize how they sound.

I will tell you, I have seen several threads from submissives saying things like "He hasn't contacted me in a month, am I released?" ... well it is SO common sense, you start to wonder why they need to ask this. I do not laugh at these people, but I do smack myself on the head and think "If they don't know it is over after someone hasn't spoken to them by month three, what I can I say to this person?"

I do not know I see many people "laughing" at those in pain. They may not sugar coat a response, etc, but that is not the same as "laughing" at someone.... If they are posting wanker material, or presenting a whacked out viewpoint (such as casual BDSM is abuse), of course people are going to ridicule them...

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)

Post #: 99

RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/27/2010 11:57:31 AM

AQuietSimpleMan

Posts: 1410
Joined: 11/15/2009
Status: offline

But there are also times when the Op didn't post their partner in a poor light, the responders did, They filled in the blankes as they chose and all the sudden a "master" is an abusive asshat or a jack ass all because someone assumed what was never said.

I agree that posting about your partner in a way that makes them look bad is not okay and I see why some people would be upset about what they complain about.

I only have issue when they have yet to even try to figure things out, when THIS is the first place they came. This is always the LAST place I go. And usually only as a last resort when it comes to relationship issues.

QSM

_____________________________

Guy Stud =Vs= Girl Slut ~~ Debate ENDED!

"If a Key opens many locks, then it is a Master Key, If a Lock is opened by lots of keys, then it is a Shitty Lock"

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 100

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