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RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/27/2010 12:09:11 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AQuietSimpleMan

But there are also times when the Op didn't post their partner in a poor light, the responders did, They filled in the blankes as they chose and all the sudden a "master" is an abusive asshat or a jack ass all because someone assumed what was never said.

I agree that posting about your partner in a way that makes them look bad is not okay and I see why some people would be upset about what they complain about.

I only have issue when they have yet to even try to figure things out, when THIS is the first place they came. This is always the LAST place I go. And usually only as a last resort when it comes to relationship issues.

QSM


I would agree, and not naming names here, but I would agree that there is a poster or two that "fills in blanks" and makes wild assumptions about people. Those "people" did not post on this thread, though....

The other part of that is it is somewhat human nature to "fill in the blanks", again, we are all just human beings, and imperfect ones at that. The people who fill in blanks are not the ones that are "laughing" at people, perhaps they are overreaching in trying to be helpful. If you put your stuff up there, you have no control over the responses you get. I am not responsible for others, you are not responsible for others... whether they originate the thread or they are only responding to it.

Laurell had a good question, one worth your consideration... when does sharing become airing dirty laundry? We all have a line in our own heads about this. If someone comes on here expecting us to punish them for their master, well, is that over the line? If they come on here and tell us their sub cheated with their best friend and asking strangers what to do about that, is this over the line? If they ask if dismemberment play is SSC and if it is abusive and then defend their master for taking a finger is that over the line? (okay, the last one is made up)... you get the idea

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)
Profile   Post #: 101
RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/27/2010 12:41:46 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

I have discussed my divorce here, but not in negative ways.
I have aired dirty laundry once here in a thread with another poster that I had a dysfunctional relationship with at one time.
It was not pleasant. I think it happened because there was a tremendous lack of respect between us.
I answer questions here dealing with how Shore and I interact and have a successful relationship.
I will never discuss truly emotional and personal details of us. He is too important to me to do that.




Some time ago- a friend of mine was going thru a divorce.   I then got the most hideous messages on her messenger- when I looked at her profile it had been broken in to.

I kept my mouth shut for about 2 months.

Then AFTER her divorce was final- THEN I told her what happened.    I did not want to wreck her outcome.  I was supposed to blab too her- and then she get real mad- and do something in regards to the divorce to put it in his favor.

I told her why I waited.    Of course I did blab to her- but only after her court thing was finished.

She was pretty mad when she seen what had occurred.   And was glad I waited to tell her.

(in reply to Aileen1968)
Profile   Post #: 102
RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/27/2010 1:05:45 PM   
AQuietSimpleMan


Posts: 1410
Joined: 11/15/2009
Status: offline 		julia,

I get it, I do. I have little resembling a solution to the matter. I would suggest treating people a little better, but I agree with what has been posted that it isn’t anyone’s responsibility to take care of others. No one “has” to respect another.

What I think is sad is that some people take it upon themselves to make things as bad as possible. It’s not enough that poster is struggling with their partner that we have to make up things that the poster never said and make the partner in question out to be someone who belongs in prison.

I myself am guilty of asking a question that seems harsh of a poster that is asking what I consider to be an asinine question. I can honestly say I have never asked someone else to help me think of a punishment for a submissives infraction. I have however asked for advice on methods in stopping poor behavior from a submissive, and when done so what I have received is people posting that I am not Dominant enough to handle them, that they are not submissive enough to be in the relationship, or that I am an Asshat for wanting that of my submissive in the first place. Or my other favorite, that someone sits down and eats popcorn waiting for the shit to hit the fan in smilie form, then someone talks about how their Master would never have had to ask that of them they naturally give that, followed by 5 to 10 posts about who is Gay and who is a Slut and who is happy being a slut. I love that then by page three the whole point of why someone posted the question in the first place is lost.

So I agree that this kind of thing is just going to happen, what bothers me is that it does. It bothers me that people in this lifestyle behave that way, or more clearly it bothers me that anyone behaves this way.

Maybe it’s the treehugger in me, but I would rather help someone up then be a part of knocking them down. I do like to present an environment that is inviting enough that someone wishes to learn and hostile enough that someone tries to educate themselves in an efficient manner rather than asking ever silly question they can expecting someone else to find the answer for them.

Then again I also agree that there are some really stupid questions being asked by people who haven’t taken any personal responsibility to find their own happiness….. and when I see these questions I try to walk away but I agree some are so off that I feel the need to comment on it.

In the end I just feel that if I don’t have anything constructive to say or feel that I would be knocking someone down then I feel I should walk away. Just cause I have the ability to say something doesn’t mean I have something to say.

QSM


_____________________________

Guy Stud =Vs= Girl Slut ~~ Debate ENDED!

"If a Key opens many locks, then it is a Master Key, If a Lock is opened by lots of keys, then it is a Shitty Lock"

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 103
RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/27/2010 1:14:02 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

Interesting topic...

I like the honest replies that state that when people air dirty laundry or are in pain, they laugh. It is heartening to know that.

That is why I mostly do not reveal personal details unless I feel it will help someone else. I am not exhibitionistic about my life and I think some people are. It is as much of a fetish as anything else. I also never start threads asking questions, ever. If I have a problem I usually take it private to those I trust.

Just this past week, for example, I was going through something painful and I would never have discussed it at ALL, had another poster that I really like, started a thread about her situation, which mirrored mine in many ways.

That juxtaposition of timing between my issues and her issues and the emotions engendered by my empathy for her and my own problems, made me momentarily lose the good judgement that I usually have in posting private emotional things.

I instantly regretted those posts although I appreciated those who wrote me privately with their support.

You can be damn sure I will not be doing that again. However, as I stated earlier, I will refer to events or experiences of my own if someone genuinely is asking for advice, but it will be offered as help not as emotional venting.

As for other's dirty laundry, I don't actually find it very funny when people are upset; I am usually compassionate unless someone is a complete moron and they do not appear to want to hear the advice they asked for. In that scenario, then I just get annoyed because they start flaming those who tried genuinely to help.

On the other hand, no matter how sad or upset or genuine someone is, there are tons of posters who will never give a serious reply. Jokes have their place and sometimes people who joke are actually covering up something in them, instead of giving the reply the seriousness it deserved.

And then there are the trainwreck threads, which are somewhat entertaining. For me it is more like a soap opera, a way to pass the time, just like reading some celebrity rag if I don't feel like thinking too hard at the moment.
I can't say anything much different than this.  I try to avoid posting about any issues I might have going on in my life at the moment.  When the time is done and I've learned whatever it is I am going to learn from this or that life experience, I might share it but only in a situation in which it might help or in which I use it to illustrate a point of my own.

Even then, names are kept out of it...I've not referred to my ex-wife in any way other than as my ex...no one here, except for those I speak with at any length in private, knows her name.  Same holds true for my past D/s relationships. 


(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 104
RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/27/2010 1:16:01 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		This is the internet, most of what you speak of occurs on every forum I have read.

I think with all the flaws you find, there must be something that keeps you posting here and contributing, etc. If you focus on the positive, it truly minimizes the negative. I also think that sometimes, depending on what side of the kneel you are, or the experiences you have, that this impacts the way we read a post. For example, a submissive telling someone that their master is an asshat might have had a similar sort of relationship with a similar type of asshat and they are speaking from that experience. On the other hand, a dominant might take offense to that submissive telling someone new that their master is an asshat because of THEIR experiences with others interfering in in a past dynamic. My point is that we all view this from our own (incomplete) perspective... just like what we think dirty laundry is and isn't will differ

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)
Profile   Post #: 105
RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/27/2010 1:25:27 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AQuietSimpleMan

All that being said, this is what bothers me, it would seem some people in this thread have never felt like they were lost. I post some very personal things on threads, because I don’t know what else to do. After working out everything I possibly can, after asking everyone in my private circle and still not having enough non-bias information I turn to the only place that I feel I can. I turn to a community of people who are supposed to have some of the same interests I do, in hopes that of all the thousands that are there, one or two might have some experience in what I am going through. I got the QUALITY information from those I have in my personal circle, and when that isn’t enough, I turn to QUANTITY instead.


It is not that they have never felt lost, but they elect to address that differently. I have never advocated that the women I mentored frequent places like this. And it for the very reasons you've mentioned in this post and others as well. She must learn to work through things on her own. The forum will not be there when she's dealing with him. In fact, it may not be an option at all. And yes, the internal wrestling is hard and it can be frustrating and scary at times. But it toughens and forces you to keep digging until a solution is found. I would never have them do something that I wasn't keenly aware could be accomplished. Some look without and others turn inwardly. One practice isn't better than the other but merely different approaches to life's challenges.

~porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

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Profile   Post #: 106
RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/27/2010 1:39:03 PM   
AQuietSimpleMan


Posts: 1410
Joined: 11/15/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

This is the internet, most of what you speak of occurs on every forum I have read.

I think with all the flaws you find, there must be something that keeps you posting here and contributing, etc. If you focus on the positive, it truly minimizes the negative. I also think that sometimes, depending on what side of the kneel you are, or the experiences you have, that this impacts the way we read a post. For example, a submissive telling someone that their master is an asshat might have had a similar sort of relationship with a similar type of asshat and they are speaking from that experience. On the other hand, a dominant might take offense to that submissive telling someone new that their master is an asshat because of THEIR experiences with others interfering in in a past dynamic. My point is that we all view this from our own (incomplete) perspective... just like what we think dirty laundry is and isn't will differ


I stay because I have learned that "I" can post what I think is right, "I" can post a reply to the question being asked, that "I" can do what I feel I need to do.

You are correct if I did not see any positive and only negative I would not post here. but we aren't discussing that, we are discussing dirty laundry. To suggest that I should find something Positive in the attacking or laughing of people who post dirty laundry, I am sorry I can't nor will I try to find something positive that could come out of that. I feel that people who pick on or agressively tease someone for no reason other than that they can is akin to cyber bullying and I find that action to be something reserved for the lowest members in a society.

Just my opinion.

I try treat people better than I want to be treated, on line and in real life. I may disagree with someone, I may paint it out in a very matter of fact way, but feel picking on someone for something that don't know or are seeking advice on is just bad form.

QSM

_____________________________

Guy Stud =Vs= Girl Slut ~~ Debate ENDED!

"If a Key opens many locks, then it is a Master Key, If a Lock is opened by lots of keys, then it is a Shitty Lock"

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 107
RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/27/2010 1:47:34 PM   
AQuietSimpleMan


Posts: 1410
Joined: 11/15/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine
She must learn to work through things on her own.


Forgive me for chopping your entire post for this little bit but I think this is where you and I differ quite a bit.

I can admit that my brain may not always be able to see all the options, I at times am so caught up in the thing I can't see the thing (The forest for the Trees Idea) so I turn to my inner circle. They are invested in our relationship just not as dedicated as we are, they at times can offer a point of view that helps me to see the thing, but there are also times that the fact that they Know "US" clouds their ability to be non-bias. So I turn to people who by the very nature of what it is that we do some of them should have had similar issues.

See I accept that I am Human, that I when left to my own can make mistakes, and these mistakes can affect others, therefore when something is big enough that I can't find a solution all on my own, I open it up to those who can help.

I blame it on my recovery from addiction.... I am Never Alone anymore. I have people who know what it's like or something very similar to ask.

To think that I would be laughed at for doing that just rubs me the wrong way.

QSM

_____________________________

Guy Stud =Vs= Girl Slut ~~ Debate ENDED!

"If a Key opens many locks, then it is a Master Key, If a Lock is opened by lots of keys, then it is a Shitty Lock"

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 108
RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/27/2010 2:02:41 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I do not know what in my post generated such seemingly heated response from you... I can and will suggest that people focus on positive things instead of negative because I believe it to be good advice, you don't appreciate it, fine, but it was kindly offered. Now you can infer by my "suggestion" I am in favor of teasing people, ridiculing them, and "cyber bullying" but I am not. I do not throw up popcorn emoticons, for example. I am only responsible for my own behavior, and I am not going to change anyone else's by insulting some nameless group of people that post here.

Like you said, this thread is about "dirty laundry" and yet you are making it your vehicle to chastise people who may or may not be posting to this thread because you do not appreciate their posting styles. Good luck in changing anyone, that is like pissing in the wind


< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 7/27/2010 2:03:33 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)
Profile   Post #: 109
RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/27/2010 2:39:33 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AQuietSimpleMan

Forgive me for chopping your entire post for this little bit but I think this is where you and I differ quite a bit.


And difference isn't bad.

quote:

See I accept that I am Human, that I when left to my own can make mistakes, and these mistakes can affect others, therefore when something is big enough that I can't find a solution all on my own, I open it up to those who can help.


This has nothing to do with humanity. I am the mentor and it's my responsibility to assist them in finding their own answers not pointing them out for them. I'm providing them with the tools that will enable them to stand without my presence. I think we all have people in our lives that we can turn to, but if others elect not to place a forum within that grouping that is their right to do so.

quote:

I blame it on my recovery from addiction.... I am Never Alone anymore. I have people who know what it's like or something very similar to ask.


I know how to lean when necessary but I'm not dependent on anyone for my survival or happiness. There's a strength and unwavering mettle one cultivates when you must face adversity without aid. And if I can pass a little of that to someone else and she benefits, I'll do it every chance I can.

~porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)
Profile   Post #: 110
RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/27/2010 3:52:25 PM   
Marini


Posts: 3629
Joined: 2/14/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

quote:

I'm not referring to the posts asking for general relationship advice or responses that use those relationships by example, I mean the ones that actually say my guy cannot get it up, or air every relationship issue in detail, especially when only one party is present for and consents to that disclosure.


Again, I am not referring to general requests for relationship advice. Please re-read the OP.

I am referring to specific instances of people coming on a public forum to declare that their husband/bf cannot get it up anymore, or worse yet, air their relationship squabbles when other parties in that relationship are on this forum.

Is there a line that you feel should be drawn?


i was on the receiving end of that once actually twice, only once it was done anonymously, but it didnt change how it felt.  in my poly relationship, my sister sub wrote a thread on the poly board asking what youd do if you cant get on with youre poly sister.  she disclaimed that it wasnt personal but i doubt anyone was convinced.  it was really hurtful. (she doesnt come to these boards anymore, so i feel its ok to write this or i wouldnt otherwise)

under those circumstances, i can tell you, its not very nice at all.  so when i read something along those lines it makes me cringe inwardly and i feel for the person being written about.  if its someone i know, as has happened in the past too, i can get really protective

i dont think it happens very often, but i do think that when its done its for the purpose of 'hurting' or 'getting at' the person theyre writting about, which makes it pretty shitty all round.

the rest of the time, if done anonymously i think its almost along the lines of 'Dear Agony Aunt' type stuff - and that i can deal with


lally, I was on the receiving end of a spineless and pathetic excuse for a man that did this to me, not to long ago.
He started a thread, with only his side of the story, and I thought it was really shitty of him also.

Funny thing is, I have always been very,very, leery of becoming involved with a regular poster, and he knew that.
It was so kind of him to prove me right with my standing policy of trying to avoid anything more than a friendship, with regular message board posters, and actually proving to me what a sorry asshole he was.

In the end, I was happy, we never went beyond 2 weeks of only emails! If he was going to be that bizzaro and create a thread and we never even met, wtf would he have done if we became involved? He demonstrated what type of person he was, by starting a thread and really trashing me.
What really scared me was there were a few minutes I considered getting closer to this creep.
...............shudders...............

I thank the Goddess above, I knew he was not worthy of my time, affection or really getting to know me.

There are always at least 3 sides to every "relationship between 2 people's story": each person's version and the truth.

If I became seriously involved with a "regular" it could really become "awkward" if it ended badly.
Growing up, I avoided relationships with boys in my neighborhood, boys at my school, men I lived around, men I worked with, etc.

If it ends badly, I really don't want to see the persons screen name around, and I don't want to have to leave the boards, because of them.

This one particular asshole I usually have on block, as he enjoys insulting me, and I have seen many people leave the boards because of public relationships that have gone sour!
I ain't leaving these boards because things didn't work out with someone, especially the pitiful asshole that got his jollies trashing me here.

Like Carly Simon says in You're So Vain, I hope you read this post and know this post is about you.
....walks off humming You're so Vain, with my head and heart held high!


< Message edited by Marini -- 7/27/2010 4:13:16 PM >

_____________________________

As always, To EACH their Own.
"And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. "
Nelson Mandela
Life-long Democrat, not happy at all with Democratic Party.
NOT a Republican/Moderate and free agent

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 111
RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/27/2010 4:24:21 PM   
AQuietSimpleMan


Posts: 1410
Joined: 11/15/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I do not know what in my post generated such seemingly heated response from you... I can and will suggest that people focus on positive things instead of negative because I believe it to be good advice, you don't appreciate it, fine, but it was kindly offered. Now you can infer by my "suggestion" I am in favor of teasing people, ridiculing them, and "cyber bullying" but I am not. I do not throw up popcorn emoticons, for example. I am only responsible for my own behavior, and I am not going to change anyone else's by insulting some nameless group of people that post here.

Like you said, this thread is about "dirty laundry" and yet you are making it your vehicle to chastise people who may or may not be posting to this thread because you do not appreciate their posting styles. Good luck in changing anyone, that is like pissing in the wind



julia,

we do this every time and it is getting more tired than you know.

You read this perceived "heat" into my responses that just isn't there. I am sure you may think it is, others may read it and think it is there also, but for the hundredth time let me assure you is just isn't there, and that is coming from the horses mouth.

What I infer from your suggestion was simply that I focus on the positive things that keep me here and in doing so things like this just won't bother me as much. I disagree. I can enjoy this site and have fun on it and still dislike every last instance where I see cyber bullying. I may be responding to you, but I am discussing a concept, parts of which you never mentioned, I bring them up not because I am saying that you do them but rather that they are done.

julia, I never said you did them, please stop taking everything I say so personally, I assure you that little of what I said had anything specifically to do with you, I can say that when you respond to my posts I think you have a bone of contention to pick with me, I don’t always know why, but I’m past it. Whatever you think is between the lines in my posts isn’t really there. I do not care for your philosophies on many things, and I tell you so, I don’t try and hide them between my words they are there right up front. Sometimes they have their own paragraph.

My Reply is due to the fact that I post here because I can have my own integrity. Instead of standing behind the idea that, “Well why not, everyone else is doing it.” Or “Think Positive and ignore the Negative” I have the ability to offer what I would want offered to me. It is a personal crusade with no one to “save” but when it gets discussed in threads like this I have the ability to speak out on what I think is wrong. I have the ability to call people on their shit. And since I have already been told that calling people out and posting their names in other threads will get me moderated, all I can do is make it so clear what I am talking about that when you see it you know who I was mentioning.

So Julia, I don’t know why you see what you see in what I write, all I can say is go back and just read the words and instead of trying to see a problem just see what I wrote as it applies to the entire thread and hopefully then you will see that there is no heat between you and me that you didn’t put there.

Hopefully now we can move on and discuss things without it having to be reduced to personal issue between you and I.

QSM


_____________________________

Guy Stud =Vs= Girl Slut ~~ Debate ENDED!

"If a Key opens many locks, then it is a Master Key, If a Lock is opened by lots of keys, then it is a Shitty Lock"

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 112
RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/27/2010 4:34:30 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

You read this perceived "heat" into my responses that just isn't there.


I said "seemingly" and realized that you may not be heated at all

I scanned the rest of your response, but since I am "tiresome" I will from now on just skip your contributions so I will not be tempted to respond to them...

See, I really do take my own advice and try to focus on the positive



< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 7/27/2010 4:35:42 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)
Profile   Post #: 113
RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/27/2010 4:37:38 PM   
AQuietSimpleMan


Posts: 1410
Joined: 11/15/2009
Status: offline 		porcelaine,

I respect you view I really do, so please understand that I think what you do is admirable, and having a Mentor that helps instead of trying to create a Xerox of their own one true wayism is indeed something someone should have.

I disagree that there are not benefits on the Mass Forum Platform. I learn LOTS about how people do things differently than me, I have learned much about what motivates certain people, and I have learned through reflective issues some of the things that make me tick.

Where I agree when someone is motivated to find the answer on their own that this can generate serious self esteem and strength, however not all of life’s answers can be found that way.

Using my own addiction, I can tell you that “I” was part of the problem, I was never going to find the answer on my own, I needed guidance, I needed someone to show me a different way of seeing things because my own eyes only showed me what I wanted to see. Opening my life to new ways of doing things, new ways of seeing things, and having a forum to ASK QUESTIONS, helped me greatly.

The Idea that the only answer is the one I have is what led me to nearly killing myself in the depths of my addiction I have ALL the answers, I knew I was right and you were wrong and no matter how many times you told me different 2+2 was 5 cause I said it was.

Logic was the first thing that helped me in recovery. The Idea that if I had everything figured out why I kept finding myself in issues that revolved around the choices I made. Logically 2+2 cannot equal 5.

So I had to accept that just about everything I “Knew” was wrong. When that happens you can read all the books you want, you can get all the guidelines you want, bit the only way to really learn is to go to those who are doing it successfully and find out what they do and then see if it works for you.

I listened to everyone. Took everything they had to say. Then I started to say, “Yeah This works for me” and other times saying “I see how works for you, but that isn’t for me” no matter what I did I took those ideas with me and eventually what I came up with was a database of HOW things COULD be done. Then I followed the path that seemed it would work best for me.

I respect that you suggest that they find an answer on their own…… I am just glad that they are asking questions. I find there to be more worth in the asking of the question, no matter what that question is, than the repression of that question because it may be too personal.

QSM


_____________________________

Guy Stud =Vs= Girl Slut ~~ Debate ENDED!

"If a Key opens many locks, then it is a Master Key, If a Lock is opened by lots of keys, then it is a Shitty Lock"

(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)
Profile   Post #: 114
RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/27/2010 9:05:38 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AQuietSimpleMan

I disagree that there are not benefits on the Mass Forum Platform. I learn LOTS about how people do things differently than me, I have learned much about what motivates certain people, and I have learned through reflective issues some of the things that make me tick.


I am not dispelling the merits of forums. However, I don't want their minds polluted with bs either. When they're clear on what's best for them and have adequate footing they're free to explore if desired.

quote:

Where I agree when someone is motivated to find the answer on their own that this can generate serious self esteem and strength, however not all of life’s answers can be found that way.


We're talking about submission. And when it comes to that I know how to take a person from point a to b and prepare them to kneel. And if you haven't noticed by now I answer questions far more than I ask them. There's a reason for that.

quote:

Using my own addiction, I can tell you that “I” was part of the problem, I was never going to find the answer on my own, I needed guidance, I needed someone to show me a different way of seeing things because my own eyes only showed me what I wanted to see. Opening my life to new ways of doing things, new ways of seeing things, and having a forum to ASK QUESTIONS, helped me greatly.


I'm glad you had the assistance you needed. The women I elect to mentor are in a different place and I'm very selective about what I take on. They need to be mentally, physically, and emotionally prepared to work. I'm not easy.

~porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)
Profile   Post #: 115
RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/27/2010 9:23:37 PM   
AQuietSimpleMan


Posts: 1410
Joined: 11/15/2009
Status: offline 		porcelaine,

so your pool is a select type. Meaning that your methods only apply to those you hand pick. Not all people fit into that catagory as you yourself pointed out.

What I gather from this process is that you seek people who are ready to take direction. So what happens when they take all that direction and then get to some point where the universe presents a situation that goes beyond what you presented for them. Perhaps when challanged with something that goes against the basic need of surrender.

As an example how do you Mentor what to do when a Family member becomes very ill and needs someone to help them and take care of them and their Master is unable to walk away from his life to do so. If there is love involved how does one deal with such a situation?

One hand sub does not wish to leave Master because they are in love.

Other hand is a cherished family member who needs you.

These are the kinds of things I reach out to a larger community than my own because having quantity information can present a solution that quality information from those who know you far too well and are bias to your situation cannot.

I am not being trite, I am curious how you reconsile the need of the Mentee from the personal view of the Mentor? And how can one find the answer to this issue when in true stalemate unless they ask questions?

QSM

_____________________________

Guy Stud =Vs= Girl Slut ~~ Debate ENDED!

"If a Key opens many locks, then it is a Master Key, If a Lock is opened by lots of keys, then it is a Shitty Lock"

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 116
RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/28/2010 8:30:46 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		AQSM, I think we're going to disagree on this a bit.  In part, I'm going to ask you to remember a conversation we were both involved with last week in another place.  I'm also going to tie this into the original.

I have to tell you that I am very much seeing porcelaine's view on this right now.  This is very much different than I felt on the subject when I encouraged clip to join this site just under three years ago.  At the current time, I'd probably approach things in a much different way.  For something to be a resource, a person has to weigh the value of quality that it presents.  Very much like the example that you stated.  If someone comes to a forum such as this for advice on such a situation, but all they get are ideas on what other people think they would do, rather than those who have had to actually come to that decision of what they really did when they were faced with that situation, you'll get a quantity of opinion, rather than a quality of experience.

I don't tend to see a forum such as this one in the same light as the earlier anology that you provided.  This is not a 'new person is the most important in the room' or somebody with two days worth of knowledge about BDSM is going to be helpful to the person who is starting on their first day.  It doesn't work like that and I don't think is ever going to work like that. 

Where I will say your anology is good, especially tied in with the original, is that in some cases when the turmoil is just rampent on the boards is the 'best thinking got it here' anology.  Piss poor methods, lack of education, and void of knowledge are the root causes for the troubles in some areas where the dirty laundry gets aired to begin with.  Go to another thread and the same prescription for failure is being given by the same person as advice to somebody who comes here with a different problem.  I'm not trying to be a shit here.  At the same time, maybe, just maybe, if you (general you) are sitting in the position where your life is such a mess that your dysfunctional dynamic is all over the boards, unless you know that someone else's current problem is an area where you've had success, you might want to not pass along what didn't work.

There are still some valuable resources here on these boards, but they really have become fewer.  Any person coming here now with a situation that is difficult for them to handle really needs to find a way to form an opinion on how to proceed.  Not all advice is coming from good sources and I think folks should keep that in mind.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)
Profile   Post #: 117
RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/28/2010 8:37:20 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AQuietSimpleMan

so your pool is a select type. Meaning that your methods only apply to those you hand pick. Not all people fit into that catagory as you yourself pointed out.


If you understand anything about mentoring it would be based on the individual. However, I do present my ideas to the general public and have spoken about them in length privately and openly when asked to do so. Of course my approach isn't the only one, but quite suitable for people that aren't the hand holding sort.

quote:

What I gather from this process is that you seek people who are ready to take direction. So what happens when they take all that direction and then get to some point where the universe presents a situation that goes beyond what you presented for them. Perhaps when challanged with something that goes against the basic need of surrender.


Mentors don't seek. They're often approached by an individual that would like their assistance. You're assuming the individuals I work with have no support network in place. I can tell you they deal with their situations like most independent adults are apt to do.

quote:

As an example how do you Mentor what to do when a Family member becomes very ill and needs someone to help them and take care of them and their Master is unable to walk away from his life to do so. If there is love involved how does one deal with such a situation?


The women I mentor are living in 24/7 dynamics. That is the goal after all. The situation presented has many options, including hiring someone privately and creating a schedule that allowed other family members to rotate care. There's also the possibility of utilizing FMLA if necessary.

quote:

One hand sub does not wish to leave Master because they are in love.

Other hand is a cherished family member who needs you.

These are the kinds of things I reach out to a larger community than my own because having quantity information can present a solution that quality information from those who know you far too well and are bias to your situation cannot.


I really don't know your situation or how you approach your life. But I don't spend my life running to other people for input or for information on how to solve my problems. And for whatever reason you seem to think that everyone needs to do the same or approaches life in the manner that you do. I can tell you wholeheartedly that I would NEVER take a woman with that mentality under my lead. That situation doesn't require the input of random strangers, but a candid discussion with your partner and some problem-solving skills.

quote:

I am not being trite, I am curious how you reconsile the need of the Mentee from the personal view of the Mentor? And how can one find the answer to this issue when in true stalemate unless they ask questions?


Life isn't always a straight path. You need to move laterally and think outside the box. I know how to lead. And I remain puzzled why persons supposedly in the position of leader have so many problems doing that. If you cannot execute and navigate a course on your own [if other resources are not available] or you're unable to brainstorm to find them, well, you really shouldn't be in the position at all. But that's my opinion. And one I stand by.

~porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)
Profile   Post #: 118
RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/28/2010 9:34:06 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

Not all advice is coming from good sources and I think folks should keep that in mind.


This forum is an internet forum, we can't expect the advice here to all be "good". To expect otherwise seems exceedingly naive to me.

When I want to find out information about something more serious than what wine goes with chicken parmesan (white or red? I get confused because it has a red sauce, but it is still chicken ) we should go to a more trusted source than a place where anyone with a free account and access to an ISP can throw out whatever advice they like.




_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 119
RE: Publicly airing your dirty laundry - 7/28/2010 9:42:53 AM   
BoiJen


Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline 		I think that all depends on the seasoning in the sauce and how heavy it is...it confuses me too.

What was the question?


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Clips of MsKitty doin' stuff to me. Support the fan club, buy a clip today.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 120
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