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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 9/3/2010 2:35:46 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hertz

quote:

LadyPact: if you're hiding it, you're doing that for a reason


Yes - and I have already told you what it is. My partner is aware that celibacy is an issue for me, and she is aware that I am struggling with it. She has told me, expressly, that if I were to look elsewhere for things I can't find in our relationship, she would prefer not to know about it.

Which, I think, leads us back to what has transpired through some of the thread.  Some of us insist on that confirmation directly from the spouse in order to be willing to engage in BDSM with a married/involved person.  It's our way of knowing that they are ok with it if we verify it with them.  Others won't care.  Looking at it from that angle, it comes down to accepting what others think about the situation  and how they look at it.  If you come across a woman who says they want to hear it from your wife or they won't participate with you, their standard of what they find acceptable really does matter.  Even through all of the debate, that is something that we've agree on all along (as you've been more than willing to say that individuals have their right to their beliefs that work for them).

My window of experience on this is small and it's not identical.  We did have a time frame where My husband was deployed and it was impossible for him to meet people with Me.  I told people up front that he was in another country and it was easy enough for any potential BDSM play partner to verify.  (I had been active in My local munch group and played publicly in the same places that we had attended together before his deployment.)  Point being, they had the option of saying if they couldn't talk to My spouse directly, they could choose not to engage in BDSM with Me if they were not comfortable with the situation.  Not something I would have had an issue with because I have the same general rule.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to hertz)
Profile   Post #: 181
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 9/3/2010 2:36:25 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		Wow. So she's ill too. Nice.


Cali


_____________________________

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(in reply to hertz)
Profile   Post #: 182
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 9/3/2010 2:39:24 PM   
hertz


Posts: 1315
Joined: 8/7/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Wow. So she's ill too. Nice


Point?

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 183
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 9/3/2010 2:57:45 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		You actually have to ask? That deserves two wows.

Your wife apparently loves you so much that she can overlook your "difficulty with monogamy" or "celibacy is an issue" or whatever the hell spin you put on it. You fuck around. And now she is ill. And you still fuck around? Is she terminally ill? Do you have a date for her funeral lined up yet?

Sometimes, it's just not about YOU but about the people you say you love.

Cali




_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to hertz)
Profile   Post #: 184
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 9/3/2010 3:00:49 PM   
hertz


Posts: 1315
Joined: 8/7/2010
Status: offline 		Whatever...

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 185
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 9/3/2010 3:54:41 PM   
Twoshoes


Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hertz
Personally, I think life is all about your aptly described leaking pipes.

Ok, but get some solder instead of those colourful band-aids.

quote:


I don't know about her not wanting responsibility. I think the truth is that she has battled with something and not been able to defeat it, even with help from me, and from counselling. And now she's not well, the whole thing is just too much. She doesn't want to look because, well, it hurts, I guess. No-one wants to be confronted by their 'failure'. For her, the answer is to look the other way, focus on what is good, and forget what is bad. I completely get that.


Which is exactly my point. If she views this area of your life as a "failure" and tells you to go do whatever you want since she doesn't want to think about it, do you really think she won't know and feel worse? Maybe the foolishness of my youth is tainting my perspective, but I've never known anyone that gullible.

quote:


I'm looking at cheating the rules of the game.

So what I think you could do is explain your bit about all the reasons you'd never want to leave her - the house, love, garden, pets and other amazing things.

Then you guys can agree that you can obviously both be happy together without what is missing - the sex. It doesn't sound like she would be shocked by this. Then you "might" have a chance to engage in your kink without making her feel bad.

Doesn't mean she has to know everyone you are with, but both you, her and any potential partners would be in a much better place emotionally if no one was hiding things from eachother. It's about the happiness of everyone involved.

Personally, if someone loved me as much as you described, I'd have no problem with this. I'm nice like that. Of course, I'd like to be on top of the list in terms of priority, ya know?  At this point might've proven your loyalty.

Now, I know all this makes sense to you, but you're going to not do it, because that is your personality type and you like to hide from problems with "whatever".

Please, man up?

Perhaps, run it by that counselor by yourself.

If she's willing to let you hurt her with this, why wouldn't she be willing to let you not hurt her with this? And she might say "no", but maybe you will come up with other solutions.

Cheat the system... I've been trying to travel back in time for 4 years now, the stupid universe will not comply. I even tried begging.

< Message edited by Twoshoes -- 9/3/2010 3:58:20 PM >

(in reply to hertz)
Profile   Post #: 186
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 9/5/2010 10:36:35 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hertz

Judging is judging is judging is judging.

I'm glad I'm not as judgemental as some on this forum. Does that make me a bad person? 


And yet, from my perspective, you are one of the more judgmental people on this forum and your posts demonstrate that and an inability to do so with any tact or diplomacy.

When one makes a promise to refrain from sex with others, and breaks that promise they are cheating. The potentional to harm the other party and the relationship by cheating does make it wrong. You can put whatever spin you want on that, it's still rather simple that the promise is broken and dishonesty and potential harm has been brought into the relationship.



< Message edited by laurell3 -- 9/5/2010 10:38:16 AM >

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to hertz)
Profile   Post #: 187
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 9/5/2010 2:59:05 PM   
hertz


Posts: 1315
Joined: 8/7/2010
Status: offline 		Actually,  laurell3, I can't be bothered.


< Message edited by hertz -- 9/5/2010 3:22:20 PM >

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 188
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 9/5/2010 3:23:16 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		Yes, personal attacks always work well when logic fails.

Cheat if you want. Cheat if you must. It is always easier to cheat than other choices.

Just don't try and make it seem noble, it isn't.


Editing because you won't stand behind your words is nice too.

< Message edited by Jeffff -- 9/5/2010 3:26:38 PM >

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(in reply to hertz)
Profile   Post #: 189
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 9/5/2010 3:31:45 PM   
gungadin09


Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
Status: offline 		Laurell is back! Hello, Laurell.

pam

< Message edited by gungadin09 -- 9/5/2010 3:32:38 PM >

(in reply to Jeffff)
Profile   Post #: 190
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 9/5/2010 3:38:12 PM   
hertz


Posts: 1315
Joined: 8/7/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Yes, personal attacks always work well when logic fails.

What personal attack would that be then, jeef?

quote:

Editing because you won't stand behind your words is nice too.

The irony of you telling me this from a post you have yourself edited, is delicious. Irony ++


< Message edited by hertz -- 9/5/2010 3:41:08 PM >

(in reply to gungadin09)
Profile   Post #: 191
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 9/6/2010 10:22:40 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		haha Jeff is posting from my pc. I don't have spellcheck installed because I rarely need it outside of Word. His edits are because of his spelling, yours are because you launched a personal attack which you then rescinded after he posted. It would seem your posting is lacking in integrity on many levels hertz.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to hertz)
Profile   Post #: 192
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 9/6/2010 10:26:19 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Cheating is cheating.  Although I think it should be noted that if there is cheating going on it is because there is some sort of inherent weakness in the relationship.  Either one person or both partners are not doing the work necessary to maintain a strong relationship.  Otherwise it would be difficult for a third party to gain power within it.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 193
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 9/6/2010 10:35:09 AM   
Twoshoes


Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline 		hertz seems to have a pretty serious problem (11 years no sex), but he doesn't want to risk his relationship by directly engaging his wife in serious discussions until the situation is resolved one way or another. His approach seems to be to hide.



I also don't have spell check.

Someone accused me of using a split infinitive on this forum. I actually had to go ask an English major what the problem with that was and what it was called.

So I might also need a grammar check.

I wish I could write better honestly...

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 194
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 9/6/2010 10:35:17 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Sorry, we say no spam, go forth and spam no more.  Per the uni!

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to bai)
Profile   Post #: 195
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 9/6/2010 11:12:01 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Twoshoes

hertz seems to have a pretty serious problem (11 years no sex), but he doesn't want to risk his relationship by directly engaging his wife in serious discussions until the situation is resolved one way or another. His approach seems to be to hide.

I could be mistaken, but if I read correctly, he said he didn't have sex with his wife for that period of time.  Not that he hadn't had any sex at all.  Maybe he could clarify that.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Twoshoes)
Profile   Post #: 196
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 9/6/2010 1:39:45 PM   
Twoshoes


Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hertz
What was the nature of my personal attack? Who did I attack?

Jefffffffff, if you're reading, move on, man. I know your butt hurts, but move on - I'm not worth it!


This could be a rhetorical question...

(in reply to hertz)
Profile   Post #: 197
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 9/6/2010 1:42:18 PM   
hertz


Posts: 1315
Joined: 8/7/2010
Status: offline 		For LadyPact and Twoshoes I can confirm that the last two women I have slept with have not been my partner (we're not married, not that it makes any difference to the apparent crime). And I can confirm that the situation between myself and my partner regarding this particular aspect of our relationship is one of concealment and denial.

To get back on topic, question: We started off talking about the 'unknowing partner, and immediately leapt to sexual infidelity. But what about emotional infidelity? Does anyone have a perspective on that? I'm guessing cyber-relationships might fall into the latter camp...

There's an old saying that suggests that the difference between men and women is that a man can cope with his wife loving another man as long as she doesn't sleep with him, whereas a woman can cope with her husband sleeping with another woman as long as he doesn't love her. Personally, I think there's a truth there, but I don't think the split is along gender lines. What do you think? Or is emotional infidelity just so much nonsense?

(in reply to hertz)
Profile   Post #: 198
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 9/6/2010 1:49:49 PM   
Lucienne


Posts: 1175
Joined: 9/5/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hertz
Jefffffffffffff was posting [in] the 'Creative Writing' forum,


At long last, something surprising in this thread. Jefff was hanging out in the Creative Writing forum? What's next -- he reveals his livejournal devoted to Twilight slash fiction?

Back on topic, I don't have any problem acknowledging that cheating is wrong. I do have a problem with the idea that I should judge a cheater's entire life extra harshly because of something he/she did in the context of what is normally their most intimate relationship. I don't want to be romantically or sexually involved with a cheater, but I wouldn't toss a friend overboard for making a mistake. People do selfish things all the time. People make mistakes all the time. I just don't think it's necessary or good for society at large to ostracize people for what are very personal matters between adults. I think that attitude just encourages more lying.

(in reply to hertz)
Profile   Post #: 199
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 9/6/2010 1:57:56 PM   
VideoAdminTheta


Posts: 3967
Joined: 10/24/2009
Status: offline 		Please remain on topic or real close to it. There should be no discussion of anyone moderated or removed posts on any thread.

Thank you

(in reply to Lucienne)
Profile   Post #: 200
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