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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/29/2010 2:19:38 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Ah, so cheating is cool, as long as you remain ignorant.

no LadyPact, i never said cheating was cool... you aswell as firebird know my stance on cheating very well, we have debated before... i find it a pity that women with probably much more education than i have would be so unwilling to understand my point... we do not have to agree, it is fine to think that all cheating is detestable and that all cheaters are morally disgusting and you would never want them around you...
i however do not think so, there ARE reasons, much loved people cheat these people are everywhere... and most of them have their reasons, however i never said it was cool
and yes i think there certainly is a certain bliss in ignorance
i think i would rather prefer to stay ignorant than have to go through hell
but obviously opinions differ about this aswell... everybody to their own

it was not cool to go to war over weapons of mass destruction either, it was a total lie and the people who did the lying and made these choices had their agenda and most of them are still making decisions and are still meddling in stuff...
Everybody with half a brain could have figured that the real reason was oil... it was glaringly obvious, still most people chose not to spend too much time thinking on that, quite happily deluding themselves about making the world a safer place... they still do
and in the long run indeed who cares or really knows who is right or wrong...
as long as the lady gets her oil, and lets face it... i would not wanna do without that stuff either... but is it a real need? or just merely a want to have this oil?

cheating on this scale is just massive, i can almost not comprehend this and yet i am one of the people caught up in it... i am a consumer, i vote and want my side to come out on top
yet i know it all is a total cheat and people get completely fucked up and killed over it
life is risky and totally dangerous and cruel... and very exciting
and there really are much worse things than having a partner who makes a mistake or a desperate attempt to get their (selfish) need met... and hides it

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 141

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/29/2010 8:58:01 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I was going to say that you should probably not try to get on a political high horse here, ranja, but maybe you illustrated a point.

For all of the talk that people want to go into about how there are 'reasons' for cheating, so far, I haven't seen a darn one of them that are based in anything more than selfishness. We can tell sob stories all we want about the supposed spouse who is not engaging in sexual activities due to a debilitating disease, but let's be a little more honest here. Do we really think that the majority of people who are cheating on their spouse are in that situation? I think people are grabbing at straws because they don't want to look at their own selfishness. The conclusion is that their wants have a higher priority than the want of the spouse to have a faithful partner. If that isn't self centered, I don't know what is.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ranja)

Post #: 142

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/29/2010 9:01:25 AM

LadyHibiscus

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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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I love it when Lady Pact reads my mind!!

Cheaters, enjoy yourselves. Know that you are doing what YOU WANT, with no concern for anyone but yourself. Why justify it? Just do it. Someone else will clean up the mess. Eventually.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 143

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/29/2010 9:26:20 AM

Twoshoes

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
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ranja, I've heard the argument "I don't want to even be told" before.
Also, I've heard from men the following:

"Cheating on your wife and being prepared to take responsability for all the results takes alot more courage than walking out on your family and kids."

As far as what I think: I'd really mind the breach of trust, but I'm really forgiving (don't tell anyone). So, I wouldn't mind knowing what needs fixing in terms of a relationship.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 144

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/29/2010 9:28:36 AM

SorceressJ

Posts: 2968
Joined: 7/24/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
For all of the talk that people want to go into about how there are 'reasons' for cheating, so far, I haven't seen a darn one of them that are based in anything more than selfishness. We can tell sob stories all we want about the supposed spouse who is not engaging in sexual activities due to a debilitating disease, but let's be a little more honest here. Do we really think that the majority of people who are cheating on their spouse are in that situation? I think people are grabbing at straws because they don't want to look at their own selfishness. The conclusion is that their wants have a higher priority than the want of the spouse to have a faithful partner. If that isn't self centered, I don't know what is.

THIS.

_____________________________

‎Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc. <93>)O(

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 145

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/29/2010 9:32:22 AM

Twoshoes

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Joined: 7/27/2010
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"Cheating" is all in the lying/emotionally neglecting your partner.

< Message edited by Twoshoes -- 8/29/2010 9:35:18 AM >

(in reply to SorceressJ)

Post #: 146

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/30/2010 1:49:35 AM

ranja

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Joined: 11/1/2007
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LadyPact indeed it is all about selfishness and about weakness too but these are not only things people who end up cheating suffer... the people who do not sexually cheat are just as selfish and weak on other points
i don't think it is grabbing at straws... people have different priorities and this is what people who are trying to keep it together after a cheat has come to light need to understand in order to work it out if the will to work it out is there: both sides have a point

of course cheating is a breach of trust and of course cheating can cause a lot of hurt

unless the couple is Ken and Barbie, they will hit trouble and fall out seriously at some point... for some this is over cheating others fall out before it gets to the cheating stage... some people get through and over it and others don't...
i never really know who is right or wrong i always see too many sides...

My Husband is of the opinion that He would dump me if i would ever cheat on Him... So if i ever would cheat on Him and i would not want to be dumped... i would not tell Him... i would live with the guilt untill time wore it off.
i do not 100% believe Him that He would dump me... i like to think that He loves me so much that He would manage to forgive me, but i am not prepared to test that theory.

i hope that if He would cheat on me and i would find out, that i would be able to forgive Him and understand why and why i was not 'enough'.... but maybe when confronted with it... i would not beable to find any forgiveness and all would be broken... i hope we never get into that situation.

For me the cheating coming to light is actually worse than the cheating in itself.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 147

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/30/2010 5:25:16 AM

hertz

Posts: 1315
Joined: 8/7/2010
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quote:

"Cheating" is all in the lying/emotionally neglecting your partner

Really?

I mean, you really believe this?

< Message edited by hertz -- 8/30/2010 5:26:06 AM >

(in reply to ranja)

Post #: 148

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/30/2010 4:54:29 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja

LadyPact indeed it is all about selfishness and about weakness too but these are not only things people who end up cheating suffer... the people who do not sexually cheat are just as selfish and weak on other points
i don't think it is grabbing at straws... people have different priorities and this is what people who are trying to keep it together after a cheat has come to light need to understand in order to work it out if the will to work it out is there: both sides have a point

of course cheating is a breach of trust and of course cheating can cause a lot of hurt

unless the couple is Ken and Barbie, they will hit trouble and fall out seriously at some point... for some this is over cheating others fall out before it gets to the cheating stage... some people get through and over it and others don't...
i never really know who is right or wrong i always see too many sides...

My Husband is of the opinion that He would dump me if i would ever cheat on Him... So if i ever would cheat on Him and i would not want to be dumped... i would not tell Him... i would live with the guilt untill time wore it off.
i do not 100% believe Him that He would dump me... i like to think that He loves me so much that He would manage to forgive me, but i am not prepared to test that theory.

i hope that if He would cheat on me and i would find out, that i would be able to forgive Him and understand why and why i was not 'enough'.... but maybe when confronted with it... i would not beable to find any forgiveness and all would be broken... i hope we never get into that situation.

For me the cheating coming to light is actually worse than the cheating in itself.

This is like saying saying if a person has cancer, they would rather not know about it, and instead allow it to devour them. I'm not the type to allow something negative impact My life and not eradicate it.

I agree with you that people have different priorities. If a person who is married to Me thinks that orgasm that they had with someone else is more important than dealing with Me with respect, honesty, and integrity, we are obviously incompatible in character. Truthfully, I'd probably boot their ass to the curb so hard that they would have bruises from the sidewalk.

My husband and I are not Ken and Barbie by any means. It doesn't change a damn thing regarding My ability to keep the agreements that we have made between the two of us. That includes periods of no sex. My husband knows that, if he has My word on something, he doesn't have to give it a second thought. It just IS.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ranja)

Post #: 149

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/30/2010 5:25:50 PM

Twoshoes

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hertz

quote:

"Cheating" is all in the lying/emotionally neglecting your partner

Really?
I mean, you really believe this?

Well... yes. I didn't even realize there was a different way to think about it. Those are the two things that could leave me saddened.

Could you offer me your perspective?

< Message edited by Twoshoes -- 8/30/2010 5:27:48 PM >

(in reply to hertz)

Post #: 150

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/31/2010 2:25:30 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
This is like saying saying if a person has cancer, they would rather not know about it, and instead allow it to devour them. I'm not the type to allow something negative impact My life and not eradicate it.

I agree with you that people have different priorities. If a person who is married to Me thinks that orgasm that they had with someone else is more important than dealing with Me with respect, honesty, and integrity, we are obviously incompatible in character. Truthfully, I'd probably boot their ass to the curb so hard that they would have bruises from the sidewalk.

My husband and I are not Ken and Barbie by any means. It doesn't change a damn thing regarding My ability to keep the agreements that we have made between the two of us. That includes periods of no sex. My husband knows that, if he has My word on something, he doesn't have to give it a second thought. It just IS.

No it is not like having a terminal decease... when i had cancer i needed to deal with it or lose my life.... if my Husband would cheat; i would not die... but if i found out... it is likely i would lose the life that i now lead... and i do not want that, but i can understand how this would make a perfect comparison in your view.

I do not just believe that because there is an understanding between my Husband and me that we will not cheat, that that means that indeed we never will.... i have seen and experienced too many of these understandings between people that went wrong, to me there is no guarantee that people will always and forever be trustworthy

LP, we look upon this from totally different angles and that is fine, i know there are many people who see this thing like you do, my Husband thinks much the same... i just do not like it that that means that to you people who cheat are somehow lesser human beings... to me they are not, to me they could easily be me... or you, not lesser.

Problems most times are very personal... relationships inevitably go though spells that partners are not totally close and the people feel misunderstood or alone.
To me you get born alone... you die alone.... but the bit inbetween is really alone too, even if you find your supposed soul mate or two... or three... and have a lot of children... Everybody makes their own choices and some of these choices hurt other people and if the other people feel the hurt they will react; maybe they cheat... maybe they kick the cheater to the curb, maybe they go into a depression, maybe they take up alcoholism, maybe they kick the alcoholic to the curb, maybe they join the army, maybe fall in love with somebody else... and everybody is selfish

The person who would have sex with another because of god knows what reason and wanted to remain involved with you, would most likely be smart enough not to inform you of his misbehaviour, there would be nobody to kick to the curb until you would find out... and perhaps you never would...
you might be blissfully happy in your ignorance that your high standards are being met
or would you prefer to have to deal with the fact that your choice in partner was totally unsatisfactory... that YOU chose a total filthy worthless piece of cheating shit for a mate.
or perhaps it is more realistic to understand that some good people might make mistakes and because of shame or guilt or even respect usually try to hide their mistakes....

Neither me or my Husband second guess each others faithfulness... it is not so much an honour thing; that we have each others word for it, but it just IS for us too
and if or when shit hits the fan we will have to deal with it...

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 151

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/31/2010 2:48:22 AM

SpiritedRadiance

Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
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However because of stds, and that several can still be transmitted with condoms it IS something that NEEDS to be dealt with much like cancer. Just because you never had it happen doesn't make the dangers of stds as a real thing. Espically if two people who have been together past the time of normal testing peroids and have choosen because they are exclusive to not use condoms. I'm under the impression that after 6 months or 5 years I'm monogamous with my partner and we are both clean so we stop wrapping it up that I can be okay with that decision because my guy isn't whoring around and being skum.

Cheating that involves sexual interactions with other people is a risk to more then the cheaters life. And its NEVER okay to endanger anothers life.

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to ranja)

Post #: 152

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/31/2010 3:15:06 AM

ranja

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Joined: 11/1/2007
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yes life is a risk... i think there is a lot of sex to be had without intercourse
cheating does not just mean fucking

You do not know what i had happen in my life, so:

my point is that you never know for sure how your partner (or even yourself) is going to behave, what tempations he (or you) might fall for and so you take a risk to trust.
You do NOT know for a fact that he will never 'whore around and be skum' you only believe he won't and i hope you are right, but many times people end up being wrong.

Many people die in traffic accidents... hardly anybody decides to stay at home or even believes that they will get injured or cause injury at all on their journey.

(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)

Post #: 153

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/31/2010 3:22:42 AM

SpiritedRadiance

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I have never made an agreement with my car to make me safe. I have made agreements that my partner keep his dick in his pants.

I know how I react to temptation, if someone is tempting by action I cut them out of my life until they can display approiate boundries and can respect me enought to not cross a line. If its a offer I reject. I'm sorry I get you'd rather not know. But its more then your life when cheating happens. And since some stds come with a cancer sentence...or quick death with out medical treatment.... wouldn't you want to know the risks? Or how your exposure rate has changed?

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to ranja)

Post #: 154

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/31/2010 3:42:31 AM

ranja

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Joined: 11/1/2007
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i don't want my Husband to cheat on me but He might...
if He does, i do not want to find out... but i might

i rather not cheat on my Husband, but i might...
if i do, i really do not want Him to find out... but He might

i have made the arrangement with my car that it is forbidden to break down
it failed me miserably and i find myself with no other option than to get rid of it
thank god it did not kill anybody when the wheel flew off

(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)

Post #: 155

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/31/2010 3:47:49 AM

SpiritedRadiance

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Joined: 3/3/2010
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So your saying you wouldn't tell your partner if you got hiv if you cheated on him vice versa?

Also your car can't make that promise somone however human making that vow is very dishonerable to break it no matter what the reason

< Message edited by SpiritedRadiance -- 8/31/2010 3:49:53 AM >

_____________________________

"Theres nothing in life like the feeling of cool leather sliding over your skin, the tears that fill your eyes as you realize someone else thinks you deserve it even if you havent reached that conclusion yet"- Forever to remember 11/5/11

(in reply to ranja)

Post #: 156

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/31/2010 3:58:44 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
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i never said that all...

if i was infected then it seems to me i would have no choice but to own up...

to me it is just as impossible for a person to make that promise as it is for the car,
to me it is not so much about honour... it is more about faith

(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)

Post #: 157

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/31/2010 5:37:32 AM

Aynne88

Posts: 3873
Joined: 8/29/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

quote:

ORIGINAL: hertz

Judging is judging is judging is judging.

I'm glad I'm not as judgemental as some on this forum. Does that make me a bad person?

Meh I am one judgmental bitch, I don't cheat, I never have and likely never will...and I still can see your and Ranja's points.

People are all unique, with our own histories and desires and needs. My mom left my dad because he cheated on her...they've each spent the past 15 years broke, alone, and strangely enough really good friends...good enough friends that I can't see why they didn't stay married. I don't get it, really. I guess people just have different limits about what makes a relationship broken beyond repair.

But anyway, like I said, I'm judgmental, and not very nice, and any man who would approach me with the intent to cheat on his wife with me quickly learns this. I do, however, see the world in shades of grey, always...it's possible for me to sympathize with a cheater.

Sexually healthy people can't go years without sex, or sex once every 3 months with the lights off...and that sort of sexual dysfunction is going to lead to overall relationship dysfunction. Cheating is, in its way, a practical solution - resolve the sexual lack so that you're able to maintain the relationship on other levels. Marriage isn't just "people who love each other lots who have biblically approved sex" - it's a commitment and a lifestyle. People who have kids would have reasons to stay married even if the sex wasn't good.

There are lots of people here who seem to unequivocally hate cheaters...some who even said it would be better to end the relationship with a terminally ill partner, and let them die alone, just because they're not sexually satisfying their partner. I judge that. I judge that fucking harshly.

Does that make me a bad person?

I fucking love this post Elisabella~

Also to add, it has been my experience that when someone rats out a cheating spouse, the couple usually stays together anyway and hates the person that told them. I have seen this many times.

_____________________________

As long as people will shed the blood of innocent creatures there can be no peace, no liberty, no harmony between people. Slaughter and justice cannot dwell together.
—Isaac Bashevis Singer, writer and Nobel laureate (1902–1991)

(in reply to Elisabella)

Post #: 158

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/31/2010 9:15:53 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja

i don't want my Husband to cheat on me but He might...
if He does, i do not want to find out... but i might

i rather not cheat on my Husband, but i might...
if i do, i really do not want Him to find out... but He might

i have made the arrangement with my car that it is forbidden to break down
it failed me miserably and i find myself with no other option than to get rid of it
thank god it did not kill anybody when the wheel flew off

I don't see this as an "I might". It's not like I'm going to be walking along one day, trip, and accidentally end up with someone's cock in Me. With the exception of someone committing a criminal act against Me, I will always have the choice of what sexual situations I am in and who I have sex with. It's one of the perks of not having another person in control of My sexuality other than Me. Control in this area is not one of My issues. I know perfectly well what it's like to be celibate by choice when I was single and I know perfectly well what it's like to be celibate when married. (Both periods were for a year.) Keeping My word on the matter, even when it's just to Myself, just plain isn't difficult for Me to do.

From My life experience, I know that I do not need sex to validate Me. I know that I do not need another person to validate Me. I'm not afraid of being alone and I am not so co-dependent on someone else that I have to settle for someone who thinks cheating is acceptable.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ranja)

Post #: 159

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/31/2010 1:14:17 PM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

so you think you know that you will always be totally faithful and that all the men in your life will also be totally faithful to you, well that is just dandy

i don't know about validation but i have decided i rather not go without- or struggle along with inadequate sex as i have done... it nearly drove me bonkers and almost cost me my marriage... i have only this life and there are sacrifices i have decided i do not want to make... selfish i know, but still in effect it is He who has control over this issue.
(i have no clue how the playing field lays if He would be ill... i think i would feel to depressed myself and busy with His care to go fucking around, but i don't know)

Maybe i lose my sexdrive in the change and it won't be important to me anymore and my Husband will find Himself wanting for more or better quality sexy time than i can offer Him... maybe He is made of the stuff you think you are made of...
and if He isn't i don't wanna know

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 160

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