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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 3:05:42 PM

SpiritedRadiance

Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
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sorry Hertz but your situation just makes the person a complete and utter sleeze for dumping their SO when things got rough

so the fuck what their isnt a wet pussy around for the so to fuck anymore life is about more then sex.

I dont care if the partners sick, or if they cant preform anymore, life happens, but cheating isnt the answer ever and most of what you suggest, IS cheating.

OP If i find out the persons cheating with me, then I tell the partner, I say look im sorry i dont want to get involved but your partners cheating on you and it was with me, I ended it and recommend you get tested because while im clean im sure im not the only person hes playing with on the side.

(in reply to hertz)

Post #: 21

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 3:06:16 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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Which is fine, for the person already in a relationship if their goals is to get their wants met. They have come to the conclusion as to what is and what is not acceptable to them.

The third person in the scenario has the exact same right. They don't have to compromise their standards if they don't want to.

I really don't care what reason, excuse, or explanation that someone has for Me not to speak to their spouse. It's completely immaterial. My standards remain the same and if someone can't meet them, I'm not forced in any way to deal with them.

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(in reply to hertz)

Post #: 22

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 3:06:38 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
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I found out someone I was with had a wife. I found her, called her because I didn't know what she knew and I had been the other woman. I was not happy! (Amazing what google can do!) I wanted to help in anyway I could if I ignorantly caused any pain, by his deceptions. It was hard to decide what to do and I didn't rush out and do anything. I weighed everything out, used the information I did have and talked to someone who has similar ethic's to my own. We decided that good or bad, it was what I could live with because I wanted to say I was sorry woman to woman for what I didn't know and hurting her.

We became good friends. She respected my showing up and helping her understand what had really happened and supporting her through her pain because it was a two by four to her head. Everything was hidden from her, a whole other life all while he let her know she was the love of his life, didn't know how he could be so lucky that she picked him and how great their life was. Three days before it was over she was his beloved, two days before she found out about many women, not just me and then there he was at my door earlier than expected.

She admitted that had I not called her and helped her to understand what just happened to her life, when I got wind of his true story and booted him from my life, she might have taken him back. Now she is happy with someone real and doing well.

Of course she could have reacted far differently and I half expected it, but I would not be the other woman willingly and wanted her to know that. Somehow I felt that might make it better than thinking another woman had set out to steal a married man... her man. For her, it helped. (And I would do it again.)

I won't even carry on an email connection with a married man unless I am in communication with the partner. If I know... anyway. How that one got passed my radar was a good lesson for me.

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Post #: 23

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 3:23:40 PM

hertz

Posts: 1315
Joined: 8/7/2010
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quote:

sorry Hertz but your situation just makes the person a complete and utter sleeze for dumping their SO when things got rough

so the fuck what their isnt a wet pussy around for the so to fuck anymore life is about more then sex.

I dont care if the partners sick, or if they cant preform anymore, life happens, but cheating isnt the answer ever and most of what you suggest, IS cheating

Maybe. I think you're being a bit harsh though. In the scenario described:

SO doesn't get dumped.
SO doesn't get hurt.
'Sleaze' doesn't go into it lightly.
You might be happy never having sex again, but 'Sleaze' may really struggle with it.
'Sleaze' may be looking for more than sex - if 'Sleaze' just wanted sex, then 'Sleaze' might consider paying for it.

If that's cheating in your book, then so be it. I have no interest in convincing you of anything. My objective is merely to suggest that relationships are difficult and complex things - easy to make judgements of from the outside, but less so perhaps from inside.

The reality is that the traditional ideas around relationships are unrealistic. Even the most conservative statistics suggest that less than 50% or real relationships are free of 'extramarital' activity - I have no information on the reasons for that stuff going on. To my mind, either half the world is immoral, or traditional morality is a bit of an illusion.

I don't know, really I don't.

quote:

I really don't care what reason, excuse, or explanation that someone has for Me not to speak to their spouse. It's completely immaterial. My standards remain the same and if someone can't meet them, I'm not forced in any way to deal with them.

Sounds about right. You use your own judgement, and that's exactly right in my opinion.

< Message edited by hertz -- 8/22/2010 3:26:14 PM >

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 24

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 3:28:01 PM

LinnaeaBorealis

Posts: 8595
Joined: 10/5/2008
From: Insanity & beyond
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Which is fine, for the person already in a relationship if their goals is to get their wants met. They have come to the conclusion as to what is and what is not acceptable to them.

The third person in the scenario has the exact same right. They don't have to compromise their standards if they don't want to.

I really don't care what reason, excuse, or explanation that someone has for Me not to speak to their spouse. It's completely immaterial. My standards remain the same and if someone can't meet them, I'm not forced in any way to deal with them.

*nods* It's my ethics & morals that I have to live with, after all. And I have learned through experience & poor judgment what exactly I can live with & what I cannot.

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(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 25

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 3:35:28 PM

SpiritedRadiance

Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
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Hertz Ive stated before Ill state it again Im monogamous, I will be monogamous most likely until the day I die, there is NO situation what so ever regardless of wither its BDSM or vanilla that makes it okay for my partner to step out on me.

My neighbor was married for 40 years, her husband in the middle of her doing chemo said he wanted to see other people, she barely survived the treatments.

You dont go sleazing around and it is being sleazy, theres no situation other then both parties agreeing to it where its okay for someone to step out of their relationship.

since your pushing for the sleazes side, how do you think the sick person feels, to know they cant do it anymore? Hmm? How do you think chemo affects the body, where you spend hours throwing up and the mere thought of sex makes you want to vomit, and you know your failing your partner, you know you arent making him happy...

its not either parties fault of why one got sick, however to punish someone by stepping out because they cant wait or their dicks more important then their so... thats more then sleaze thats molded rotten baked in the sun pond scum

(in reply to hertz)

Post #: 26

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 3:41:23 PM

hertz

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Joined: 8/7/2010
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Sorry to wind you up, SpiritedRadiance. That wasn't my intention.

(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)

Post #: 27

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 4:05:15 PM

SpiritedRadiance

Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline

im not wound up..... but what your saying, is its okay to cheat if your partners unable to put out because of illness

your saying hey sweetheart i know your throwing up and your loosing your hair and your possibly dying but is it okay for me to go get my dick wet else where while you go through all of this... I mean i get youve got cancer or ms or something other terrible and you cant fuck me right now because of that near dying shit and all but yeah, even if you dont say yes im going to go fuck elsewhere anyway... and thats cool because you you got this cancer and now fuck me anymore.. and my dicks the most important thing here.. not your life.

(in reply to hertz)

Post #: 28

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 4:25:35 PM

DemonKia

Posts: 5521
Joined: 10/13/2007
From: Chico, Nor-Cali
Status: offline

FR

In my experience there's about a 90% chance the slighted spouse will figure out something's up &/or find out about what's going on eventually .. .. . At that point in time it will be a mess, a painful, horrid mess. Most especially it will be a painful horrid mess for the wronged partner.

& the example of the sick partner just makes me, well, sick. So, ones life partner needs one more than ever & the response is to spend ones time & energy on some other(s)? Yeah, that'll work out just fine . . . .

In my book a life partner who's going thru a disabling illness or similar needs that partnership more than ever . . . . .

Oh. Yeah. As to the OP I'm in the polyfidelitous camp & I require that I meet any other partners before I'd be interested in pursuing anything . . . . ..

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(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)

Post #: 29

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 4:34:30 PM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit
Of course she could have reacted far differently and I half expected it, but I would not be the other woman willingly and wanted her to know that. Somehow I felt that might make it better than thinking another woman had set out to steal a married man... her man. For her, it helped. (And I would do it again.)

I'm sure it helped her, Lockit. There's no doubt one kind of blow to the belly when a woman finds out that her partner's cheating, but another, again, from the the thought in the wife's head of a woman who'll take her husband without a care for her feelings. It speaks of a 'fuck other women, fuck sisterhood' attitude - which is a nasty, ugly thing all of its own. I think you did some good, solid damage-limitation, there.

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(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 30

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 5:20:17 PM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hertz

For what it's worth, I think there may be occasions when what some of you are describing as 'cheating' is anything but that. I'm going to put the BDSM element to one side for a moment. Imagine if you will this scenario:

One of a couple in a long term committed relationship becomes unwell, altering the relationship in a number of ways, one of which is that she or he becomes unable to contemplate sex. The other party in the relationship has a number of options......

Sorry hertz, but regardless of the situation, if the "innocent partner" does not know about the situation with the spouse and the "other," or if s/he does know and does not approve, it's still cheating. No matter what the "situation" or, in your mind, mitigating factors are, it's still cheating. I was the wife of a cheater and I know, no matter what the excuses are, it hurts like hell and it pissed me off. I had a Dom for awhile that I later found out was married. I ran like hell in the other direction and told Him why. That was the end of that. I was involved so it did hurt, but my principles won out.

~sweetsub~

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In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to hertz)

Post #: 31

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 5:33:37 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Which is fine, for the person already in a relationship if their goals is to get their wants met. They have come to the conclusion as to what is and what is not acceptable to them.

The third person in the scenario has the exact same right. They don't have to compromise their standards if they don't want to.

I really don't care what reason, excuse, or explanation that someone has for Me not to speak to their spouse. It's completely immaterial. My standards remain the same and if someone can't meet them, I'm not forced in any way to deal with them.

Exactly. If I don't get to meet her, we don't proceed. And I was being facetious, Celeste, hence the smiley! I was amused that he would be so silly as to hide something in his wallet!

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Post #: 32

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 5:45:03 PM

Firebirdseeking

Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline

Daddys: I was contacted twice by wives (of men I had been communicating with, phone or email, and hadn't a clue that the men were attached). Both times I handled it exactly as I said here.

< Message edited by Firebirdseeking -- 8/22/2010 5:46:14 PM >

(in reply to Daddysredhead)

Post #: 33

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 6:24:40 PM

LadyEternity

Posts: 31
Joined: 7/25/2010
Status: offline

Well I can answer the "sick spouse" situation from my own point of view. But since my wife and I are poly, I'm not sure if my POV is equivelent. I am on bedrest for severe pregnancy complications. I've been on bed rest for 2 months and have 7 weeks to go. If she wishes to go elsewhere to meet her sexual needs, I am perfectly fine with that. I cannot meet her needs at this time and I want her needs to be met. But we have a clear seperation between sex and love/intimacy in our relationship. I don't feel angry with her because I'm laying in bed in excruciating pain while she's out having fun. I'm happy that by not being jealous or possessive that I can make her happy. She comes home to me happy and sated and we cuddle and whisper and share the intimacy. Or when we're really lucky she plays with her lover here so I can watch and be somewhat involved.

As far as married play partners, 10 years and much less maturity ago I was the "other woman". A very peeved off wife with a gun to my head taught me a lesson and I have NEVER played with anyone married unless they were playing as a couple.

(in reply to Firebirdseeking)

Post #: 34

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 6:57:22 PM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
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When I was married to my cheating husband, I would have been willing to share, had my ex been up-front and honest about it and let me meet her. As it was, he was lying and cheating and it pissed me off. For him to think I was stupid enough to fall for his lies (I really did know the truth deep down) was really insulting. So when I found out that Dom was married & would not let me meet His wife, it was an instant bye bye.

~sweetsub~

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Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to LadyEternity)

Post #: 35

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 7:11:16 PM

TheHeretic

Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
Status: offline

Just something to keep in mind when it comes the unpardonable sin of "cheating." Not everybody takes those wedding vows as being holy and permanent. Lots of people don't even consider them relevant.

If a married woman wants to become sexually involved with me, I certainly don't owe more loyalty to an oath she took, than she is giving it herself. I would much rather be aware that her husband doesn't know, than be lied to about what happens if we see him at the In-n-Out drive thru.

Puts a different slant on RACK.

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Post #: 36

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 7:22:22 PM

subchicklette

Posts: 3
Joined: 2/9/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking

I think the way I would handle it would be to say "I have nothing but respect for you, ma'am but I think your marriage may be in trouble and I suggest you have a long talk with your partner".

YOU are not the one who has to explain, as, from the sound of it, you would not play with someone knowingly whose partner did not have full knowledge of his or her activities . I think we have to understand that there are many liars and cheaters out there and we are not responsible for their bad behaviors, we are only responsible for our own ethics and actions.

quote:

I think the way I would handle it would be to say "I have nothing but respect for you, ma'am but I think your marriage may be in trouble and I suggest you have a long talk with your partner".

YOU are not the one who has to explain, as, from the sound of it, you would not play with someone knowingly whose partner did not have full knowledge of his or her activities . I think we have to understand that there are many liars and cheaters out there and we are not responsible for their bad behaviors, we are only responsible for our own ethics and actions.

As someone who has been "cheated" on..... i would say this to those who are getting involved in a new relationship.

1. Get the persons REAL name... ask for ID if you can... I wouldn't meet someone anymore without a copy of their ID, Which I leave in my house with exact details of where I am going to meet them, etc... If they are not comfortable enough to give me this information i am definitely not comfortable enough to meet them publicly.
2. Do a simple search on Zabasearch... you'd be amazed at the information that is publicly available on ANYONE! Names of relatives, address, etc.
3. Then do a quick search in the county in which they live. Most states have court records, property records, etc available online.

It's easy to get emotionally charged up in a new relationship, i'm sorry, i've been hurt, i don't trust easily.... if that's not good enough for you.. then i'm not the right submissive for you. i will not get involved with liars, cheaters ever again... it's too painful and how to do you divide pets that you both have grown to love.

(in reply to Firebirdseeking)

Post #: 37

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 8:41:38 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

You deal with it by getting out of the relationship and telling him to go to hell.

But that's me. I don't get involved with o stay in relationships with cheaters. I'm of the opinion they are of the lowest form of life around.

and I've never bothered to contact the spouse being cheated on. I'm of the opinion that most spouses are already aware. They know something is wrong with their relationship, they just choose to ignore it out of fear of being alone, children, money, etc...

It's up to them to fix their marriage. I don't butt in. I simply walk away and take care of MY life.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 8/22/2010 8:46:03 PM >

(in reply to hertz)

Post #: 38

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 10:36:25 PM

Selinda

Posts: 8
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline

One of the things that I find vaguely amusing is the men who think that meeting my wife is too much of a bother. My wife doesn't mind who I play with, but she feels differently about my having sex with them - if I'm going to have sex with someone, she wants to meet them first. Sure it can be a little inconvenient, since simply shaking her hand when he picks me up to go out is not enough. She wants a conversation, and then when that conversation is done she expects that she and I will go one way and he'll go another so that she and I can talk it over. Not that I'm terribly interested in men for whom that's too much bother, but I do think it's kinda funny.

I've had several men here on CM, including one who became a platonic friend, approach me with the information that no, their wife doesn't know - and I respect their honesty with me. I've been clear with them, however, that I would never play with anyone in that position.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 39

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/23/2010 3:11:00 AM

Firebirdseeking

Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline

Amazing how people here justify taking up with a married person, whether for play or sex, especially dishonestly, when they would never consider doing the same with a collared individual. Go figure. I guess we live in an era where a person's word - even those said in a marriage ceremony - don't mean squat. Marriage, or, IMHO, a collar - are both commitments. No one is forcing anyone to make that commitment, and if someone cannot stick by it, then do the right thing with integrity. But dont try to weasel out of marriage vows. Or say that others dont take them seriously. That means to me that you dont take commitments of ANY kind seriously. I sure would not want to be YOUR friend.

(in reply to TheHeretic)

Post #: 40

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