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Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 12:53:48 PM

Typhon1984

Posts: 11
Joined: 8/23/2010
Status: offline

I'm not sure if someone else has asked this question recently or not, so I figured I'd ask anyway.

As someone that is new to the scene as a Dom (I almost don't feel right saying that. More like a D.I.T. or Dom In Training since I'm so green) my sub (re: fiance) is chatting up another Dom. Now, I'm secure enough in our relationship to know that she's not going to fuck around on me with another guy... but she's never contacted another Dom before.

She is collared, but he doesn't have an prospective sub. I know that he says dominant things to her and as far as I know, she doesn't comply. However, she does react. (Pauses in speech, he body language changes, etc...)

He's a nice guy. I've talked with him a little bit and we have a bit in common. If I didn't sense him as competition, we'd probably be friends. But he's still another Dom...

However, she told me that he thinks that she shouldn't be subject to me since I'm too new to the scene and that she needs someone who can train her proper.

I know I'm all over the place with this post, but it kind of has me frazzled. My instincts tell me to rip this guy in half, but then it doesn't feel like I'm being fair to my sub. Should I let this continue and monitor the interactions or should I just assume that this is normal behavior between platonic Doms and subs?

Some insight from the esteemed ranks on this site would be VERY helpful.

Thanks,

-Typhon-

Post #: 1

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 12:56:13 PM

Twoshoes

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline

Personally, I would never say anything commanding towards anyone who isn't in such a relationship with me, so...

I don't know.

(in reply to Typhon1984)

Post #: 2

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 1:02:40 PM

SubPet715

Posts: 337
Joined: 8/24/2010
From: Brooklyn, NY
Status: offline

This may be a bit presumptuous so please just debate friendly with me if i'm wrong on certain points.

Your insecurity stems from a lack of trust, discuss those feelings with your other and you will feel better. Most shy away from discussing it because they feel it would be planting the thought of cheating into someones head. Broach the subject in an amicable manner, let her know your feelings on it so an open discussion can be done.

As for this other man you also need to speak with him, more can be said with words than by simply letting yourself twist in the wind like this. Do not just come off like a raving madman with demands and threats when talking to someone you suspect may be trying to take what is yours. It has been said that he who establishes his argument by noise and command shows that his reason is weak. So be as calm and patient as you can be so your message is clear.

That is what I have to say about that, my former domme and I are friends. She does not control me, she can't, that part of our life together is over and this new phase is simply me being someone she can talk to.

_____________________________

Passion isn't really happiness.

(in reply to Typhon1984)

Post #: 3

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 1:06:30 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Typhon1984
She is collared, but he doesn't have an prospective sub. I know that he says dominant things to her and as far as I know, she doesn't comply. However, she does react. (Pauses in speech, he body language changes, etc...)

OK, that's the first question. At least in my world where I speak of "dominant" and "submissive" as personality traits, then the answer is "sure they can be friends. But they are going to be dominant and submissive friends." In other words, if she reacts to him submissively, then she will. Don't get your undies in a bunch over it. Carol is generally submissive and reacts to pretty much the whole world that way. Who cares? It doesn't mean that she loves them or wants to leave me for them. It's just her being Carol and submitting.

quote:

However, she told me that he thinks that she shouldn't be subject to me since I'm too new to the scene and that she needs someone who can train her proper.

If this is really what was said, then I would command your sub to sever all contact with him permanently. That's just an utterly, utterly crappy thing to do.

quote:

My instincts tell me to rip this guy in half, but then it doesn't feel like I'm being fair to my sub. Should I let this continue and monitor the interactions or should I just assume that this is normal behavior between platonic Doms and subs?

Well, as I said above, the fact that she submits to him means nothing to me. The fact that he said you weren't dom enough for her... yeah... the "rip in half" line of thinking has a lot of merit. I certainly wouldn't actually make any big melodramatic scene over it though. I'd just put an end to their friendship.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Typhon1984)

Post #: 4

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 1:08:11 PM

Hillwilliam

Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline

Unfortunately, ALL the subs Im close to are "just friends". Therefore, I'd say "yes, a Dom and a sub can just be friends" In fact, a straight Dom and a les Domme can be friends too. Scarey huh?

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 5

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 1:12:32 PM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

I'm a single sub, and two of my dearest friends are male doms.

One is in a live-in relationship with his sub, but we chat a lot online. If she ever got concerned that he and I were getting too close (which we wouldn't), then I would immediately distance myself so that their relationship wasn't damaged.

OP - you need to figure out what kind of relationship your sub has with this friend. Are they 'only friends'? Then you need to work through your jealousy issues. If there's an inkling that it could be more than that, then perhaps a chat with both of them to make sure everyone is on the same page.

In the end, it's not so much about D/s. It's about one woman and two men.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 6

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 1:12:58 PM

Typhon1984

Posts: 11
Joined: 8/23/2010
Status: offline

Thanks for the insight.

I just realized that I left something out of the OP:

I've read just about EVERYWHERE that a friendship between a Dom and a sub in 97% impossible.

And I have spoke with him about his implied dominance over my fiance... no real result since he more or less ignored me about the Dom part of it and just saying that she is his friend.

I'm tempted to tell him that if I get an inkling that there is some fishy goings on, that I'll forbid her from talking to him. That way, he was warned about his actions and if he does cross the line, he'll have himself to blame. As for her, she'll have to accept that he was the one who couldn't keep his hand out of the cookie jar.

...but I'm still on the damned fence.

(in reply to SubPet715)

Post #: 7

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 1:14:52 PM

MstrPBK

Posts: 573
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline

Absolutely. I know a number of subs/slaves as friends.

MstrPBK
St. Paul, MN USA

(in reply to Typhon1984)

Post #: 8

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 1:19:00 PM

SubPet715

Posts: 337
Joined: 8/24/2010
From: Brooklyn, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Typhon1984

Thanks for the insight.

I just realized that I left something out of the OP:

I've read just about EVERYWHERE that a friendship between a Dom and a sub in 97% impossible.

And I have spoke with him about his implied dominance over my fiance... no real result since he more or less ignored me about the Dom part of it and just saying that she is his friend.

I'm tempted to tell him that if I get an inkling that there is some fishy goings on, that I'll forbid her from talking to him. That way, he was warned about his actions and if he does cross the line, he'll have himself to blame. As for her, she'll have to accept that he was the one who couldn't keep his hand out of the cookie jar.

...but I'm still on the damned fence.

97%...thats a big number but you need to know 50% of all online statistics are made up, 40% of all people know that.

Sarcasm aside, assert yourself get dominant. I may be a submissive but i'm no push over, but right now you're sounding like you're afraid of the answers so you aren't asking the questions.

_____________________________

Passion isn't really happiness.

(in reply to MstrPBK)

Post #: 9

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 1:20:36 PM

Hillwilliam

Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline

Actually, I forgot to mention that those subs who are friends that are wearing a collar or at least serious. I take pains to include their Dom in the friendship as well and to let them know that Im just her friend, not Your competition. So far, I have never had a problem.

(in reply to MstrPBK)

Post #: 10

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 1:21:31 PM

Typhon1984

Posts: 11
Joined: 8/23/2010
Status: offline

I love The Simpsons...

And you're half right. I've asked the questions, got the answers... but didn't ask the follow-ups. I have a tendency to push things to far when interrogating... er, asking questions.

(in reply to SubPet715)

Post #: 11

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 1:22:56 PM

Typhon1984

Posts: 11
Joined: 8/23/2010
Status: offline

See, that'd be awesome! But this guy always seems to get pissy whenever I try to talk to him. Which feels like a red light to me.

(in reply to Hillwilliam)

Post #: 12

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 1:23:31 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

Some of my best friends have been submissive. It's never been a problem at all.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Typhon1984)

Post #: 13

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 1:27:23 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Typhon1984
And you're half right. I've asked the questions, got the answers... but didn't ask the follow-ups. I have a tendency to push things to far when interrogating... er, asking questions.

See, I don't fully understand this. In theory, there is no conflict here... no issue. You need to make a decision about whether it's a good idea for her to associate with this guy or not. So you ask whatever you think you need to in order to make the decision. Then you make the decision. It shouldn't be hard or even particularly emotionally fraught... assuming you actually have authority over your girl.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Typhon1984)

Post #: 14

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 1:29:03 PM

sophiesback

Posts: 4039
Joined: 11/4/2009
From: Illinois
Status: offline

If I were you...Better yet, if Master were you, I can tell you exactly how he would handle this. Make her cut him out of her life. Find a mentor for yourself. Take the time to figure out exactly how you wish for her to be trained, and train her yourself, with the guidance/counsel of someone more experienced. Master had me ask a friend to mentor him. I am very close to this friend, and have been for years. He was more than happy to mentor. If this other Dom is being shitty to you, he's trying to steal your girl.
ETA: If she refuses/argues about getting rid of him, take her collar & her ring and make her earn them.

< Message edited by sophiesback -- 8/30/2010 1:31:50 PM >

_____________________________

CM's Resident Goof
30 Fluffy points

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 15

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 1:30:03 PM

BonesFromAsh

Posts: 1362
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Typhon1984

I'm not sure if someone else has asked this question recently or not, so I figured I'd ask anyway.

As someone that is new to the scene as a Dom (I almost don't feel right saying that. More like a D.I.T. or Dom In Training since I'm so green) my sub (re: fiance) is chatting up another Dom. Now, I'm secure enough in our relationship to know that she's not going to fuck around on me with another guy... but she's never contacted another Dom before. Why is she "chatting" him up if this isn't something she would normally do?

She is collared, but he doesn't have an prospective sub. I know that he says dominant things to her and as far as I know, she doesn't comply. However, she does react. (Pauses in speech, he body language changes, etc...)

He's a nice guy. I've talked with him a little bit and we have a bit in common. If I didn't sense him as competition, we'd probably be friends. But he's still another Dom...

However, she told me that he thinks that she shouldn't be subject to me since I'm too new to the scene and that she needs someone who can train her proper. This would be enough for me to have her cut ties. How does this statement make YOU feel?

I know I'm all over the place with this post, but it kind of has me frazzled. My instincts tell me to rip this guy in half, but then it doesn't feel like I'm being fair to my sub. Should I let this continue and monitor the interactions or should I just assume that this is normal behavior between platonic Doms and subs? Fair? Never assume...do you actually feel this is platonic? What does another man need to "train" YOUR submissive in that you can't do (or learn to do) yourself? What does he mean by "train"? Has he offered to mentor you, seeing as how you're the one who is new to this sort of thing?

Some insight from the esteemed ranks on this site would be VERY helpful.

Thanks,

-Typhon-

Ask yourself...would you act the same in this situation as this man is acting with your submissive partner? How does it make your partner feel when this man tells her he should be "training" her instead of you? What was her response to him?

Who's the dominant partner in this scenario? Who does your partner submit to?

I've been friends with dominant and submissive men. I've been friends with dominant and submissive women. There's a thing called boundaries and respecting what they are for each person.

Is this man respecting the boundaries placed by you and your partner when it comes to your relationship?

(in reply to Typhon1984)

Post #: 16

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 1:31:44 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

You're new here, so allow Me to let you in on something that most people know about Me. I'm a high protocol person. I believe that anyone collared to Me belongs to Me. That includes how they spend their time. If I said it was unacceptable, that would be the end of it. Anybody who wasn't going through Me for contact would be cut off.

Can this Dom and your sub be friends? Possibly. However, I'm curious to know why you aren't his friend, too? Wouldn't this be an excellent learning opportunity for you?

I also happen to be the type of person who believes in family first. My husband and My sub are two of the highest prioritized relationships that I have in My life. Believe Me when I say that if one of them is not welcome, I'm not welcome either. Anybody who can't be friends with them doesn't need to try to maintain a friendship with Me.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MstrPBK)

Post #: 17

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 1:32:35 PM

SubPet715

Posts: 337
Joined: 8/24/2010
From: Brooklyn, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Typhon1984

I love The Simpsons...

And you're half right. I've asked the questions, got the answers... but didn't ask the follow-ups. I have a tendency to push things to far when interrogating... er, asking questions.

Oh you caught me quoting <_<

I am the sort to keep my composure when arguing, that is me. You have talked to this guy and he gets pissy and my guess is at that point you sort of throw up your hands, say alright sorry for asking. Don't want to scare you but it feels as if you are not exhibiting a leader dom mentality, push boundaries, say what you want and state it in a fashion that dictates that is how it is going to happen because you said so.

Then again I can be wrong, none of that sounded right. It sounds more like me before an imminent mugging, but perhaps that is how the situation is.

I gotta wash my hands of this because everything in me is saying be straight forward with your needs and wants, if you're afraid to then you may not have that dominance within you. See what others say because it seems a moot point I post over and over again when all I will keep saying is the same basic thing.

_____________________________

Passion isn't really happiness.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 18

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 1:32:43 PM

horizonz

Posts: 28
Joined: 5/29/2010
Status: offline

I agree with many of the others that a Dom and a sub can be friends, one of my best lifestyle friends is a Dom that I have known for 5 years. So, it certainly can be done.

I would recommend talking to your sub/fiance more. I have found that when my Dom explains his concerns more clearly, that I can better understand him and better serve his particular needs. When I informed him of my Dom friend of 5 years, he talked to me about his concerns. Since then, I have made a concerted effort to let him know: when I talk to my Dom friend, what we talk about, and how I felt about the topics. I don't have to do this -- but I want him to feel comfortable, and I'm sure your fiance/sub wants you to feel comfortable too.

*I forgot to add*

My friend has never suggested training me in anyway. To me that would definitely be a red flag. Trust your instincts.

Is this an online Dom? Have you ever met him in real life?

< Message edited by horizonz -- 8/30/2010 1:37:45 PM >

(in reply to Typhon1984)

Post #: 19

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 1:34:28 PM

igor2003

Posts: 1718
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I'm not sure where you got the 97% nonsense. I think that mostly it comes from people that it didn't work for and since it didn't work for them they assume it won't work for anybody. I'm a sub male but have had close friendships with several dominant women. I know that there are some people that also say that men and women in general can't be "just" friends, which is also nonsense since some of my closest friends have been women.

However, if it is as you have said and the other gentleman told your S.O. that he should be the one to train her, even if she doesn't realize it he is trying to undermine you and should not be tolerated. At this point I wouldn't make a demand that she stop talking to the guy, but if you calmly present your position to her and let her make her own decision I think things might go better for you. If you demand it, she might resent it. But if you give her a rational choice and she chooses the other guy, then you don't have her anyway.

_____________________________

If the women don't find you handsome they should at least find you handy. - Red Green

At my age erections are like cops...there's never one around when you need it!

Never miss a good chance to shut up. - Will Rogers

(in reply to Typhon1984)

Post #: 20

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