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RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 8:07:24 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

Yes doms and subs can be just friends. However, if this guy is getting your woman to react submissively in body or mind then he isn't being friendly, he is projecting dominance. If he is telling your woman that you cannot train her because you have no experience, BS. Plenty of people explore this together without someone coming along telling them the way they are doing it is not good enough. If she is seeking people out, she is seeking them out. There are more than a few cases of people falling for a line that is thrown out because they use bait that is tried and true. And there are a lot of poachers in the world pretending to be friends until they get what they want.
I do believe doms and subs can be friends. I have plenty of dominant friends. I don't feel any warm wet feelings when they talk to me because they don't aim to hit those cues with me. Clearly that guy does not have those boundries

(in reply to TheRaptorJesus)

Post #: 41

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 8:14:16 PM

CarpeComa

Posts: 194
Joined: 5/12/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Typhon1984

I'm not sure if someone else has asked this question recently or not, so I figured I'd ask anyway.

As someone that is new to the scene as a Dom (I almost don't feel right saying that. More like a D.I.T. or Dom In Training since I'm so green) my sub (re: fiance) is chatting up another Dom. Now, I'm secure enough in our relationship to know that she's not going to fuck around on me with another guy... but she's never contacted another Dom before.

She is collared, but he doesn't have an prospective sub. I know that he says dominant things to her and as far as I know, she doesn't comply. However, she does react. (Pauses in speech, he body language changes, etc...)

"Dominant things" is awfully vague. A person with a strong personality will tend have that effect on others around them. So are you seeing that, or are you seeing someone aggressively trying to gain influence?

quote:

He's a nice guy. I've talked with him a little bit and we have a bit in common. If I didn't sense him as competition, we'd probably be friends. But he's still another Dom...

However, she told me that he thinks that she shouldn't be subject to me since I'm too new to the scene and that she needs someone who can train her proper.

Oh? And whom does he think she should be subject to? Him?

quote:

I know I'm all over the place with this post, but it kind of has me frazzled. My instincts tell me to rip this guy in half, but then it doesn't feel like I'm being fair to my sub. Should I let this continue and monitor the interactions or should I just assume that this is normal behavior between platonic Doms and subs?

Some insight from the esteemed ranks on this site would be VERY helpful.

Thanks,

-Typhon-

Sure;

1: Training, by and large, is a load of BS.

2: D/s doesn't magically change the rules of social interaction. If you wouldn't accept this kind of behavior from any other friend, then you are under no obligation to accept it from him. If he had said to her "You shouldn't be dating him because he's a virgin", what would your response be?

3: D/s doesn't change how people are either. There will be liars, idiots, manipulators, cowards, assholes, and narcissists all parading around under various banners. There will also be a smattering of genuinely good people as well.

4: you should listen to your instincts more.

quote:

I just realized that I left something out of the OP:

I've read just about EVERYWHERE that a friendship between a Dom and a sub in 97% impossible.

Whoever wrote that is full of shit.

quote:

And I have spoke with him about his implied dominance over my fiance... no real result since he more or less ignored me about the Dom part of it and just saying that she is his friend.

'Implied' dominance isn't something to worry about. It either is there or it isn't. If it is there, you have a problem you need to address.

quote:

I'm tempted to tell him that if I get an inkling that there is some fishy goings on, that I'll forbid her from talking to him. That way, he was warned about his actions and if he does cross the line, he'll have himself to blame. As for her, she'll have to accept that he was the one who couldn't keep his hand out of the cookie jar.

...but I'm still on the damned fence.

And if you say that, you'll tip your hand that you suspect something is up. Plus, if you say that he'll use it as leverage against you if he is indeed trying to drive a wedge. You are not under any obligation to warn him to not be inappropriate. That should go without saying.

< Message edited by CarpeComa -- 8/30/2010 8:15:50 PM >

(in reply to Typhon1984)

Post #: 42

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 8:15:50 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

One of my best friends is an ex-sub of mine who is now slave to a local Master. He knows that I had kept an eye out for her after we broke up, and when she met him I got to know him and then encouraged their relationship.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 43

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 8:27:43 PM

WinsomeDefiance

Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline

Sure they can. But, that's not really the question that should be asked.

Can a man who wants what you have, and isn't opposed to undermining your relationship with your fiance' to get her, able to be just friends with your submissive? Is probably the question you should be addressing.

For what it is worth, the first time another person disrespected my dominant and made such a blatant attempt to undermine my relationship with him, I wouldn't need to be ordered to sever ties. He wouldn't be anyone I'd want to associate with. I don't like poachers.

WinD

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 44

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/31/2010 3:33:03 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

Quote...However, she told me that he thinks that she shouldn't be subject to me since I'm too new to the scene and that she needs someone who can train her proper....Unquote

To M and I , this would be a no-no. She is your fiance and your collared sub no matter how *green* you are, and M would consider that an unacceptable subversive comment.(and so would I)

He wouldn't end the friendship, but he would quite quickly establish with the guy what he will or won't accept. If the other Dom wasn't supportive, or have respect for our relationship after that, we'd BOTH drop him.

To be frank, if he thinks she needs *training proper* and you are new to D/s relationships too, what could be better than learning together and finding your OWN way? Believe me, there are as many different D/s biased relationships and styles as there are people doing it.

agirl

(in reply to Typhon1984)

Post #: 45

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/31/2010 5:08:07 AM

subsfaith

Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Typhon1984
As someone that is new to the scene as a Dom (I almost don't feel right saying that. More like a D.I.T. or Dom In Training since I'm so green) my sub (re: fiance) is chatting up another Dom.

Is chatting up another dom acceptable to you?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Typhon1984
She is collared, but he doesn't have an prospective sub. I know that he says dominant things to her and as far as I know, she doesn't comply. However, she does react. (Pauses in speech, he body language changes, etc...)

As far as you know? That seems a little loose. And how do you feel that he is making dominant overtones to your sub... and fiancee?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Typhon1984
He's a nice guy. I've talked with him a little bit and we have a bit in common. If I didn't sense him as competition, we'd probably be friends. But he's still another Dom...

I am all for having friends, but you clearly have your reservations... let me ask you this, just what does your girl have in common with this man? Why would you encourage such a friendship..?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Typhon1984
However, she told me that he thinks that she shouldn't be subject to me since I'm too new to the scene and that she needs someone who can train her proper.

Just to be clear, this is where this man is trying to undermine your position. In this alone he demonstrates a lack of respect, one that makes me question his morals and ethics. Are you sure you are happy to let your girl be freinds with someone who has demonstrated he is lacking in these areas?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Typhon1984
My instincts tell me to rip this guy in half, but then it doesn't feel like I'm being fair to my sub.

Why is it not fair? Let me ask also, is it fair that she continues to be friends with someone who shows her man/dom such disrespect?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Typhon1984
Should I let this continue and monitor the interactions or should I just assume that this is normal behavior between platonic Doms and subs?

This is only normal behaviour when the dom is fishing.

Get off the fence and sort your shit out man! Go with your instinct.

You have already had some great advice, looking for a mentor I thought was exceedingly good.

Being a dom means you get to do what you want with your submissive. However this also means that you have to take responsibility too, so if your girl has trouble finding the right sort of friends, you should be helping her get the right sort of friends, guiding her, monitoring her communication, checking she is safe from harm etc.

It's all there for the taking amigo.

(in reply to Typhon1984)

Post #: 46

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/31/2010 9:55:36 AM

yellowroses

Posts: 167
Joined: 6/12/2009
Status: offline

I didn't read through all the responses so if this has been said I do apologize.

Let me take the Dom/sub part out for a moment. Can a man and a woman just be friends. This was covered in the movie "When Harry Met Sally". I have personally had male friends in my life and they were just friends. Although I found out later from a them that they would have "done" me if given the opportunity. So while yes they can be friends, just how long will they remain just friends. Now put the Dom/sub thing back in. You said that he has already been sort of dominant to her and she has responded. IMO that is a slippery slope. A few people have already told you to "master" up and make a decision. If my husband were here right now he would say "there isn't room for 2 roosters in the hen house".

kim

(in reply to subsfaith)

Post #: 47

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/31/2010 10:32:27 AM

roland23

Posts: 241
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

JUST FRIENDS!!!!I have heard that too often in the vanilla world. I will not associate with someone who wants to be "just friends." Life is short and I have wasted years hanging out with "just friends."

(in reply to igor2003)

Post #: 48

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/31/2010 10:36:44 AM

DommeKeliDallas

Posts: 311
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline

D/s relationships are like many other relationships...
If he or she isn't doing it for you...leave.

(in reply to igor2003)

Post #: 49

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/31/2010 10:39:59 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: roland23

JUST FRIENDS!!!!I have heard that too often in the vanilla world. I will not associate with someone who wants to be "just friends." Life is short and I have wasted years hanging out with "just friends."

So if there's no fucking it's not worthwhile?

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to roland23)

Post #: 50

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/31/2010 10:46:30 AM

Servants247Rqrd

Posts: 3
Joined: 8/29/2010
Status: offline

Honey, doms and subs can be friends. That dom, however, is trying to wear her down and steal her from you. You need to dom it up and do it now. Put your foot down, cut off contact with him and put her in her place. If you let it go on, you just kind of prove his point. Don't be angry, don't act jealous or accusatory, just act like a man who knows someone is trying to steal what he owns.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 51

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/31/2010 11:01:47 AM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

men and women can be 'just friends' with their own sex as well as the opposite sex, regardless of whether or not they are clinging to terminology such as dom/sub, etc...

it's when they tell your fiance that they shouldn't be subject to you, that it's time to pull out a can of whoop ass!!!

what kind of half way decent human being who doesn't know shit about you and her, actually have the balls to say something like that, let alone think it? the kind that is trying to steal your woman, that's who!!!

forbid her to talk with him, text, chat, etc. and if she's so dense she can't see the forest through the trees, get rid of her ass!

(in reply to Typhon1984)

Post #: 52

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/31/2010 2:55:06 PM

junecleaver

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline

Not a huge fan of the whole 'training' thing but following the line of thought...

You are going to be directing the relationship so you should be trained, not her. Does it matter if she knows how to follow directions if you cannot give them? (Not saying you can't give directions, just making a point.) Even though the thought of training with a 'seasoned' dominant seems particularly sparkly and inviting, you are the person with whom she'll spend the rest of her life (re: fiance). Maybe it would be good for both of you to get together with a high protocol couple or observe some higher protocol scenes. It will be a good source from which to draw ideas.

_____________________________

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 53

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/31/2010 3:30:46 PM

switchingcrone

Posts: 23
Joined: 5/29/2010
Status: offline

I don't see why Dom/me and sub/slaves can't be friends but I feel the Dom in question may be stepping over that platonic line. Now please remember I say that only based on the information you have supplied to us here.

(in reply to igor2003)

Post #: 54

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/31/2010 3:39:01 PM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

In short, yes, just like men and women can be friends...

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to Typhon1984)

Post #: 55

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/31/2010 3:42:12 PM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

quote:

ORIGINAL: roland23

JUST FRIENDS!!!!I have heard that too often in the vanilla world. I will not associate with someone who wants to be "just friends." Life is short and I have wasted years hanging out with "just friends."

So if there's no fucking it's not worthwhile?

LOL, exactly...

Oddly enough I cherish my friends, a fuck is easy to find, a friend is much harder to find. So roland23, I guess I wouldn't be suited to be your friend - your loss, but to be honest, I'd deem you too shallow to be a friend. As for your wasted years, it wasn't her, it's you, maybe you are simply not attractive enough!

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 56

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/31/2010 6:09:46 PM

Zevar

Posts: 801
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Typhon1984

I'm not sure if someone else has asked this question recently or not, so I figured I'd ask anyway.

As someone that is new to the scene as a Dom (I almost don't feel right saying that. More like a D.I.T. or Dom In Training since I'm so green) my sub (re: fiance) is chatting up another Dom. Now, I'm secure enough in our relationship to know that she's not going to fuck around on me with another guy... but she's never contacted another Dom before.

She is collared, but he doesn't have an prospective sub. I know that he says dominant things to her and as far as I know, she doesn't comply. However, she does react. (Pauses in speech, he body language changes, etc...)

He's a nice guy. I've talked with him a little bit and we have a bit in common. If I didn't sense him as competition, we'd probably be friends. But he's still another Dom...

However, she told me that he thinks that she shouldn't be subject to me since I'm too new to the scene and that she needs someone who can train her proper.

I know I'm all over the place with this post, but it kind of has me frazzled. My instincts tell me to rip this guy in half, but then it doesn't feel like I'm being fair to my sub. Should I let this continue and monitor the interactions or should I just assume that this is normal behavior between platonic Doms and subs?

Some insight from the esteemed ranks on this site would be VERY helpful.

Thanks,

-Typhon-

I believe friendship between a dominant man and a submissive lady is possible, personally speaking. However some people are prone to jealousy, protectiveness, suspiciousness, wariness, watchfulness, mistrustfulness, distrust & inclined to act out a degree of possessiveness toward those they relate with more than others might. Overall I believe it is a personal decision that each individual needs to make on their own to suit their personal boundaries.

Take care!

(in reply to Typhon1984)

Post #: 57

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/31/2010 6:14:44 PM

Zevar

Posts: 801
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

quote:

ORIGINAL: roland23

JUST FRIENDS!!!!I have heard that too often in the vanilla world. I will not associate with someone who wants to be "just friends." Life is short and I have wasted years hanging out with "just friends."

So if there's no fucking it's not worthwhile?

I fully agree with you Lady Hibiscus. I believe that for some even when sex is all there is they still find no value, aye!

Take care!

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 58

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 9/1/2010 1:11:36 AM

Whenready

Posts: 319
Joined: 3/5/2009
Status: offline

As others have said, friendship IS possible.

What you have described, does, however, sound like poaching. Rip his head off. Post pics. Realistically, talk to your fiancee. Cut links with stealer dom. Communicate communicate communicate. Get off the fence unless you enjoy splinters up your ass.

(in reply to Zevar)

Post #: 59

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 9/1/2010 8:10:55 AM

Statepalace

Posts: 185
Joined: 9/20/2007
Status: offline

One of my best friends is a male Dom in a married M/s relationship.

Do I respond submissively when he asks for a glass of water? Sure, but I do that with most of my friends on that side of the slash. I don't want a D/s relationship with him, and I made that clear when we met. I did have to consciously hold myself in check and say "No" often when we were first getting to know each other, just to establish comfortable habits and boundaries for myself.

As to the comment about needing "someone who can train her proper" - he's pursuing her. Deal with that as you see fit.

If there is some kernel of truth to what was said, then be the Dominant and pick a top for her. Even a very, very experienced Dom may not be an expert in every type of play, of may have something (like needles) that they don't like at all, but that their sub wants to try. It's still YOUR interaction if you pick the person, hold her hand during the scene, and cuddle her after.

If you are really new and want someone to mentor the both of you, get involved with your local community. Find an experienced (and really old/gay/whatever other characteristic that will prevent them from being a primary partner) Dom that you can both become friends with and that may be willing to demonstrate play techniques that you aren't aware of yet. Read some bdsm books together.

Know that if you do not respond to this obvious challenge to your authority, there may be loss of respect over it. She may interpret it as you not caring enough to claim her, or she may see it as you being unaware of what is going on and thus not protective enough. I'm not saying these reactions are rational or justified, just that they are a possibility. Chest beating and aggressive "mine!" acting out isn't required, just a simple "I do not like what is going on here and I want it to stop".

Good luck :)

_____________________________

And if I cease to desire and remain still,
the empire will be at peace of its own accord

(in reply to Typhon1984)

Post #: 60

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