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RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 1:37:55 PM

stef

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Typhon1984

I've read just about EVERYWHERE that a friendship between a Dom and a sub in 97% impossible.

Yeah, that's about 97% bullshit.

If this guy is attempting to usurp your authority over your sub even after you've asked him to step off, then she needs to cut off communication with him. Really, it's not even something you should have to do. If she respects you, she should take that step on her own without having to be told.

~stef

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Post #: 21

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 1:40:10 PM

Typhon1984

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To be clear, the 97% thing was made up. The stuff I read amounted to it being "very highly unlikely".

So we can drop that now.

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Post #: 22

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 1:40:23 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
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And what Steph and LadyPact said............cuz I didn't read the whole OP before replying......

Bad Me, bad bad BAD Me.

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Post #: 23

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 1:41:22 PM

Twoshoes

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Joined: 7/27/2010
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Well, I'll freely admit that thanks to my young age and raging testosterone levels, I probably am attracted to 75% of my friends (and even some of the male ones).

On the other hand, the key to having friends is to know how to stop yourself from doing things that aren't appropriate, which basically means not doing anything that will leave them feeling guilty.

What is that guy thinking anyway: If she ditched you and submitted to him, she'd feel the guilt for the rest of the relationship. The most he could get out of that is 2 weeks - at which point the lust is overwhelemed by the guilt and failure ensues.

Not the most efficient way to get into a 2 week relationship.

< Message edited by Twoshoes -- 8/30/2010 1:51:03 PM >

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Post #: 24

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 1:42:21 PM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

First, welcome to the wonderful world of kink. Yes, doms and subs can be friends. I'm dominant and my best friend is submissive. He's like my younger brother from another mother and we trust each other with our lives. Second, this post is only my opinion, so if you disagree, that's cool.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Typhon1984

I almost don't feel right saying that. More like a D.I.T. or Dom In Training since I'm so green

This statement is the first thing you need to work on. IMO, dominance is a personality trait. You got it or you don't. You can be assertive yet submissive, you can learn to top, but if you don't feel dominance in your heart, then you won't ever be dominant. However, working on the assumption that you are dominant, then be dominant. Be confident, and don't let anyone shake that confidence.

quote:

she's never contacted another Dom before

This concerns me. If it concerns you, then you should tell her so and negotiate. If you are the dominant, it's your job to lead the relationship. If you don't lead, she can't follow. Yes, she has the right to have some input, but you need to demonstrate that you are leader material. If you don't want her to contact other dominants while you're learning together, then you need to be very clear about your expectations.

quote:

He's a nice guy. I've talked with him a little bit and we have a bit in common. If I didn't sense him as competition, we'd probably be friends. But he's still another Dom...

So make use of this resource. If you're comfortable with him, ask him to be your mentor and help you learn if that's something you think would help you. She's already starting to form a bond with this person. You need to study and understand what he's doing and apply it to yourself and your relationship in a way that works for you. If not him, find someone else who can help you. There are lots of kink groups that offer workshops and demonstrations. Find one and start meeting people.

quote:

However, she told me that he thinks that she shouldn't be subject to me since I'm too new to the scene and that she needs someone who can train her proper.

Red flag! Red flag!

The only "training" she needs is what she's going to get from you. If he's already undermining your authority in this way, forget what I said about asking him to mentor you. Find someone else in your area who can do that and cut off contact with him.

quote:

My instincts tell me to rip this guy in half, but then it doesn't feel like I'm being fair to my sub. Should I let this continue and monitor the interactions or should I just assume that this is normal behavior between platonic Doms and subs?

Assume nothing, because there is nothing "normal" about this. Follow your instincts. They seem to be serving you well, thusfar, because it sounds like the guy is trying to poach your girl. As for whether or not it's "fair" for you to insist she break off contact with him -- you're trying to develop a power exchange relationship. It is inherently unequal. However, that doesn't mean either of you is more or less important than the other. You can listen, be fair and impartial, and still decide it is in the best interests of your relationship with your sub that she have no more contact with this guy. The key is to be impartial and weigh the positives against the negatives rather than give in to a knee-jerk emotional reaction.

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(in reply to Typhon1984)

Post #: 25

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 1:42:43 PM

stef

Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Typhon1984

To be clear, the 97% thing was made up. The stuff I read amounted to it being "very highly unlikely".

So we can drop that now.

I hope that's not all you absorbed from that post.

~stef

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Post #: 26

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 1:45:21 PM

CeriseNin

Posts: 286
Joined: 4/8/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Typhon1984

Thanks for the insight.

I just realized that I left something out of the OP:

I've read just about EVERYWHERE that a friendship between a Dom and a sub in 97% impossible.

And I have spoke with him about his implied dominance over my fiance... no real result since he more or less ignored me about the Dom part of it and just saying that she is his friend.

I'm tempted to tell him that if I get an inkling that there is some fishy goings on, that I'll forbid her from talking to him. That way, he was warned about his actions and if he does cross the line, he'll have himself to blame. As for her, she'll have to accept that he was the one who couldn't keep his hand out of the cookie jar.

...but I'm still on the damned fence.

Your girl shouldn't be. He's trying to dom her. Why is she not telling this man to back off? In my opinion, she should tell him to F off with trying to boss her around, cut ties with him, or you do it for her.

Damn typos.

< Message edited by CeriseNin -- 8/30/2010 1:46:34 PM >

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Post #: 27

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 1:47:23 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
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I do not have friends or want my spouse having friends that disrespect our relationship. If they undermine it and this guy is, he doesn't respect the relationship and most likely feels he is better for her. I also don't like anyone assuming because they are dominant that they have a right to act dominantly with another.

Now if I were abusing them or there was some dysfunction in our relationship that even I couldn't respect, I would feel that my spouse has a right to have supportive friends and leave my ass if need be. But to say what he has said, that because you are new, she shouldn't submit to you... that guy would be blocked. That is drama just waiting to happen.

A real friend will not disrespect your partner unless there is good reason to and your being new as a dominant is not good reason or cause in my book. He is over stepping.

My question would be, what does your partner get from this relationship? I'd be addressing that with all openness and no attitude or jealousy. But I would also point her to this thread and let her see how others feel.

Maybe this guy thinks because you are new he can take charge... but I think he is nothing but a guy trying to steal a lil lady. The chase is half the game with some people and if they can steal someone away it makes them feel like the bigger, more special one. Ignorant, but it happens, especially online. A dominant shouldn't need to disrespect or degrade another dominant to be all powerful.

Check yourself for any jealousy or motivations that might be something you need to check yourself on... but in my opinion, this guy is a piece of shit.

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Post #: 28

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 1:55:20 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Put an end to this 'friendship'. Or demand that it be three way talks. He's poaching.
If this was a disinterested friendship he wouldn't be trying so hard to convince her to leave you. nor would he be attempting to get her to respond submissively to him.

He's also full of it. The two of you have love, friendship and respect going for you. That's more than he's able to have or he wouldn't be subless.

You're the dom. She probably means well, and maybe doesn't even realize he's coming on to her. But you know better. So you need to nip this in the bud right now. Be possessive, show her you don't share and that you find her irresistable to other men but you aren't allowing her to stray.

I am not allowed to strike up friendships with unpartnered doms in my area. Now, I have written to some overseas, but that's not a problem since I'm not leaving my kids to move to Australia. (Sorry Focus).

I have written re forum posts, usually to ask something without hijacking a post. But just chatting? And allowing others to disrespect you and your relationship? That's wrong. Make sure she realizes that when he tells her to leave you, and she continues talking to him, she is being disrespectful to your relationship.

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Post #: 29

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 2:01:49 PM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

Yes, doms and subs can be friends.
He, based on what you've written doesn't seem to want a friendship though.
It appears as if he wants a sub. I'd cut that tie immediately and tell him to stay away.
He crossed the line when he said dominant things to her and tried to tell her that she shouldn't be with you.

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Post #: 30

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 2:43:55 PM

interlocutor

Posts: 68
Joined: 3/1/2007
Status: offline

IMO doms attempting to exert authority over submissives outside of a mutually agreed upon context is tantamount to going around and grabbing peoples asses and should be dealt with as such.

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Post #: 31

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 4:04:54 PM

DCWoody

Posts: 1401
Joined: 10/27/2006
Status: offline

Can a dom and a sub just be friends?
Yes.

But this "However, she told me that he thinks that she shouldn't be subject to me since I'm too new to the scene and that she needs someone who can train her proper." sounds like a load of crap. Tell her it's making you uncomfortable.

(in reply to igor2003)

Post #: 32

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 4:41:00 PM

Elisabella

Posts: 3939
Status: offline

Fast reply

Yes it's possible to just be friends with someone you might be attracted to but idk if your sub is able to do so and her domain friend sounds like a creep who needs to learn boundaries.

(in reply to Typhon1984)

Post #: 33

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 5:02:53 PM

Shadow-tiger

Posts: 1775
Joined: 6/8/2008
From: California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Typhon1984

He's a nice guy. I've talked with him a little bit and we have a bit in common. If I didn't sense him as competition, we'd probably be friends. But he's still another Dom...

However, she told me that he thinks that she shouldn't be subject to me since I'm too new to the scene and that she needs someone who can train her proper.

I see this as another way of saying "Hey baby, you're missing out hanging out with that guy. Come with me and I can show you things that will blow your mind! (Giggity giggity!)

Seriously, anyone pulls that it's a flat out Oh HELL NO! I've dealt with that behavior from kinky and non-kinky types. To me he's just saying she should leave you for him, because you're not good enough (or too weak).

quote:

ORIGINAL: Typhon1984

See, that'd be awesome! But this guy always seems to get pissy whenever I try to talk to him. Which feels like a red light to me.

Between this and the first part where you mention feeling him as competition, I'd say trust your instincts. Not because he's a dom, but because it looks like he's trying to schmooze your woman! I have a hell of a lot of submissive friends. Now and then I even flirt with some of them in a friendly way. But I always try to show respect to them, especially those that are in a relationship.

Basically you need to man up, say enough is enough, and show her why she's all yours. This doesn't need to be a big scene, hot mind numbing sex, or whatever. Just BE. Something I think may help is to remember to not second guess yourself, trust your instincts. It's pretty easy to find yourself going 'Yeah I want her to do this! But .. am I really right to tell/ask that of her?' Chances are the answer is hell yeah!

Self confidence is the single most important thing for projecting your domliness. No self respect, no confidence, and she's not going to take you seriously. If you go too far, trust her to tell you. If she doesn't, well.. that's a whole relationship building thing in it'self.

Seriously though, domly types are supposed to have gigantic egos that go off like Mt Saint Helens! I laugh whenever my own ego approaches ludicrous levels. It can be amusing, but don't fight who you are.

Wow, that went out there a bit. Something of an annoyance to me, these people who think they can lure a girlfriend/submissive away from someone else. It's not his domliness you're being aggravated by, it's his sleaze factor.

edit: clarification, typos

< Message edited by Shadow-tiger -- 8/30/2010 5:05:19 PM >

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Post #: 34

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 5:26:13 PM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
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As a malesub I absolutely expect to be friends with not only the Domme who is my partner, but people of all other orientations. I've considered notions of submissives deferring to all dominants - and submissive males deferring to all women, or to all femdommes - but rejected them. As far as I'm concerned such notions are drivel.

But . . . but . . . I wouldn't engage in a D/s dynamic with any woman other than my partner. I would expect her to bar such behaviour, too.

Yes, I agree with the view that this is a time for you to put your foot down. But this isn't because I assume you should take my view to be right - it's because you don't like what's happening and in regards to matters of this nature, there are no rules but your own.

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Post #: 35

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 6:46:51 PM

QuirkyAnne

Posts: 268
Joined: 9/17/2008
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Here's my 2 pence worth.

You have some jealousy to work through, which has already been addressed and you seem to have accepted that advice, so I won't go into that.

On this other guy however, I have some very strong opinions.

It's well and good that he's concerned for her training and that they are friends. However, ANY so-called, "Dom" who tells a sub that she should leave her current one because he's too inexperienced to train her correctly is a huge red flag for me. In my opinion, if he REALLY wanted her to get the experience he thinks she needs, he should be offering to mentor you himself. Instead he's advising her to leave you and I can just imagine who he has in mind to replace you (hint: it's himself).

No Dom is shat from the womb knowing all there is to know about the wide world of BDSM. They had to start somewhere, just like this arrogant prick did, and his statements make me believe he's not even out of the gates yet and is trying to sound like an expert and be a Weal Twue Dom.

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Post #: 36

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 6:54:10 PM

QuirkyAnne

Posts: 268
Joined: 9/17/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Shadow-tiger

I see this as another way of saying "Hey baby, you're missing out hanging out with that guy. Come with me and I can show you things that will blow your mind! (Giggity giggity!)

Yep, that was more or less the impression that I got, though Quagmire is an excellent visual image to accompany it!

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"The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just STUPID."

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Post #: 37

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 6:55:34 PM

TheRaptorJesus

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Joined: 6/3/2010
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To be blunt... your GF sounds like a slut who's itching to sub to and probably fuck Mr Domly Friend.

There are a half-dozen red flags.

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Post #: 38

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 7:19:43 PM

QuirkyAnne

Posts: 268
Joined: 9/17/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheRaptorJesus

To be blunt... your GF sounds like a slut who's itching to sub to and probably fuck Mr Domly Friend.

There are a half-dozen red flags.

The asshat dom is a red flag, no doubt, but where in that post did you get that she's a probable slut who wants to fuck the other guy?

< Message edited by QuirkyAnne -- 8/30/2010 7:22:24 PM >

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Post #: 39

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 8/30/2010 7:53:37 PM

TheRaptorJesus

Posts: 640
Joined: 6/3/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: QuirkyAnne

The asshat dom is a red flag, no doubt, but where in that post did you get that she's a probable slut who wants to fuck the other guy?

"However, she told me that he thinks that she shouldn't be subject to me since I'm too new to the scene and that she needs someone who can train her proper."

^ That.

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