RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends?

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RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 9/1/2010 8:12:01 AM

DivineFem

Posts: 10
Joined: 8/21/2010
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If I loved someone, and someone else told that person that they shouldn't be with me because I don't know how to love them 'correctly', there would be no question about what would happen. My love would either cut contact with that person, or I would cut contact with the both of them . I refuse to ever be disrespected, or have my relationships disrespected.

(in reply to Whenready)

Post #: 61

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 9/1/2010 8:42:56 PM

DMFParadox

Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
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Sometimes, there is no clear answer. In the short term, at least, you're flipping a coin.

With some submissive women, the winning approach is to take control by ordering no contact.

With others, the appropriate response is to seem (and be) completely unthreatened and accepting.

With still others, the right way is to state your fears and ask what your fiancee wants from her friendship with him.

The best advice I can give you is this: know what you want, long-term, in detail. Fantasize and take notes. A week from now, a month from now, five years from now, know what you want. From life, from yourself. Do the research. Test theories. Try things.

Then when you're clear enough on the destination, be the kind of person who will achieve those dreams. Be him in ways large and small.

Then make sure that your fiancee is on board. That she will support your dreams and work toward them as much as you will.

That kind of open & honest communication is the right way.

The essence of control is that you know more about what you want and how to get it than anyone else does. If she's clear on her desire to be a submissive, and you're not entirely clear on being dominant but want to try, then the only way you'll ever be able to fully 'own' the relationship is if you change the rules and make it your game. It's probably what she wants most from you, anyway; that you have your own center of gravity, strong enough to pull her in.

Do that, and I promise you issues such as the one you're having with this other 'dominant' will be like a wisp of smoke against a hurricane.

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to igor2003)

Post #: 62

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 9/2/2010 12:04:40 AM

Zentoid

Posts: 8
Joined: 8/24/2010
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It is well possible to just be friends, however, if he is trying to convince her that she needs to be with an experienced hand = THAT IS BS. Not buts, ifs or whatever. ESP since you are engaged.

And take off the Dom hat, put on the Fiance hat and ask yourself "What would I do in any other circumstance about this". AND DO IT.

(in reply to igor2003)

Post #: 63

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 9/2/2010 3:22:19 AM

wandersalone

Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
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as a submissive I can be and definitely am friends with dominants. I have friends online and in real life however in no way, shape or form do they or have they ever tried to "dom" me. They know about my dominant and he knows about them but more importantly, he has 100% confidence and trust in me as he knows that I would never do anything to jeopardise our relationship.

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Post #: 64

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 9/2/2010 10:51:45 AM

D0M1NANT

Posts: 32
Joined: 3/18/2010
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Yes, Doms and subs can be just friends.. I have many such. All of whom I have no interest outside friendship.. But there has to be a sense of honor involved. I have subs who have been friends for years who accept a collar and can't talk to Me any more because of their new restrictions.. But for those who CAN talk after accepting, I introduce Myself to their Dom and let them know in no uncertain terms that I will respect their collar. So yes, it is possible to be just friends..

(in reply to Typhon1984)

Post #: 65

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 9/2/2010 10:54:52 AM

SubPet715

Posts: 337
Joined: 8/24/2010
From: Brooklyn, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: D0M1NANT

Yes, Doms and subs can be just friends.. I have many such. All of whom I have no interest outside friendship.. But there has to be a sense of honor involved. I have subs who have been friends for years who accept a collar and can't talk to Me any more because of their new restrictions.. But for those who CAN talk after accepting, I introduce Myself to their Dom and let them know in no uncertain terms that I will respect their collar. So yes, it is possible to be just friends..

HONOR!

I have been reading this thread and wondering how to put that into proper words and that term just slipped past me. Thank you for that, I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out such a simple concept.

_____________________________

Passion isn't really happiness.

(in reply to D0M1NANT)

Post #: 66

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 9/13/2010 1:36:26 AM

Silentrunner26

Posts: 424
Joined: 7/15/2009
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Most of my older friends where subs .

(in reply to igor2003)

Post #: 67

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 9/13/2010 4:04:09 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Typhon1984

See, that'd be awesome! But this guy always seems to get pissy whenever I try to talk to him. Which feels like a red light to me.

Of course he is pissy. The sooner he can get you out of the way the better

You need to get rid of this guy. He is a predator and his intent will be to manipulate your fiance into believing your not the right man in her life.
The 'she needs training correctly' is a load of happy horse manure. There is only one type of training that has any value and thats from the dominant who is going the distance with the sub.
Start thinking like a dominant. You don't need a mentor, you really don't! You need a strong personality that's consistent and direct. You need patience and the ability to be firm. You need expectations, self discipline and the ability to control your own existence. If you haven't already got those qualities then work on them yourself but don't believe that someone else can teach you them because I can tell you now that most men who call themselves dominants don't have any of those qualities!
For everything else, google is your friend and there's any amount of advice on sites like this.

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to Typhon1984)

Post #: 68

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 9/13/2010 1:42:20 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

Anyone can be friends with anyone of any persuasion if they have no sexual interest in them.

(in reply to igor2003)

Post #: 69

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 9/13/2010 2:09:11 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

DMF said:
The best advice I can give you is this: know what you want, long-term, in detail. Fantasize and take notes. A week from now, a month from now, five years from now, know what you want. From life, from yourself. Do the research. Test theories. Try things.

Then when you're clear enough on the destination, be the kind of person who will achieve those dreams. Be him in ways large and small.

Then make sure that your fiancee is on board. That she will support your dreams and work toward them as much as you will.

That kind of open & honest communication is the right way.

Do that, and I promise you issues such as the one you're having with this other 'dominant' will be like a wisp of smoke against a hurricane.

Heh... some of the best general purpose life advice I've read on these boards. It's not the only 'right' way... I'm sure other things work too. But it's a winning play that I'd bet on pretty much sight unseen.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to DMFParadox)

Post #: 70

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 9/13/2010 6:46:02 PM

DommeJennice

Posts: 13
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline

If the sub is your collared sub, then I would say no to talking with other Doms. I was a sub in the beginning. There is a lot of competition between subs looking for Doms.
It is up to you. If this is something you do not want him to do, set the limit. If you do not mind him talking with another Dom, then yes they can be friends.
It is not about trust issues in my opinion. It is between Dom and sub. Rules are not made to be broken.

Regards,

DommeJennice

(in reply to igor2003)

Post #: 71

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 9/13/2010 7:04:31 PM

seekingOwnertoo

Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline

If I read this right ... your finance has a friend ... she is collared to you ... and the scenario goes like this ....

quote:

If I didn't sense him as competition, we'd probably be friends. But he's still another Dom...

However, she told me that he thinks that she shouldn't be subject to me since I'm too new to the scene and that she needs someone who can train her proper.

While I have a number of Domme friends ... and am allegedly submissive (as well as single)

I cannot say this is pure friendship ... based on what I highlighted from your OP ...

if I read your OP right ... I am thinking the other Dom ... wants Your sub ...

That is my take ...

Provided I read this right, and have all the facts ... etc, etc ...

(in reply to Typhon1984)

Post #: 72

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 9/13/2010 7:23:08 PM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

In general, Dominants and submissives can be friends. This Dominant is not being a friend to either of you.

(in reply to DivineFem)

Post #: 73

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 9/30/2010 3:49:13 AM

Acer49

Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Typhon1984

I'm not sure if someone else has asked this question recently or not, so I figured I'd ask anyway.

As someone that is new to the scene as a Dom (I almost don't feel right saying that. More like a D.I.T. or Dom In Training since I'm so green) my sub (re: fiance) is chatting up another Dom. Now, I'm secure enough in our relationship to know that she's not going to fuck around on me with another guy... but she's never contacted another Dom before.

She is collared, but he doesn't have an prospective sub. I know that he says dominant things to her and as far as I know, she doesn't comply. However, she does react. (Pauses in speech, he body language changes, etc...)

He's a nice guy. I've talked with him a little bit and we have a bit in common. If I didn't sense him as competition, we'd probably be friends. But he's still another Dom...

However, she told me that he thinks that she shouldn't be subject to me since I'm too new to the scene and that she needs someone who can train her proper.

I know I'm all over the place with this post, but it kind of has me frazzled. My instincts tell me to rip this guy in half, but then it doesn't feel like I'm being fair to my sub. Should I let this continue and monitor the interactions or should I just assume that this is normal behavior between platonic Doms and subs?

Some insight from the esteemed ranks on this site would be VERY helpful.

Thanks,

-Typhon-

she is your submissive, not anyone else s. She is there to be trained by you, to fulfill your needs and for you to be able to find out what her needs are so that you can fulfill hers. As far as your submissive's so called dominant acquaintance, his statement was not only incorrect, but it was entirely inappropriate. Other dominants and submissives are fine for teaching you about proper ways to use equipment and issues involving safety, but ultimately, there is not just one way to do things, you have to do what works for you and your partner. and no third party should be teaching that

< Message edited by Acer49 -- 9/30/2010 3:56:37 AM >

_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
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(in reply to Typhon1984)

Post #: 74

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 9/30/2010 12:18:24 PM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

Hey there,

The very short answer is "Yes, of course!"

But I don't get the impression that this guy is being a friend to her - if he's trying to dom her, and suggesting that you're not right for her he's being a predator, not a friend.

So what do you do? Well, I'd advise you to trust your partner - if she buys this guy's crap, then she's not right for you. If she concludes he's a jackass and kicks him to the curb your trust in her will be vindicated and everything will be good. Worst case, you're out of a relationship with someone who wasn't right for you, best case you have your faith in her reinforced.

good luck - and I hop she makes the right choice!

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to Typhon1984)

Post #: 75

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 9/30/2010 1:20:46 PM

LadyNTrainer

Posts: 1584
Joined: 5/20/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Typhon1984
I've read just about EVERYWHERE that a friendship between a Dom and a sub in 97% impossible.

I call bullshit. When I'm hanging out with my buddies in a gaming group, I don't give a flying fuck if they are gay or straight, dominant or submissive, married or single, vanilla or kinky. When you're actually friends, not looking for more, and not attracted to them, it really doesn't matter.

Now if you are in a situation with someone in particular where there is some attraction AND a compatible sexual orientation AND a compatible D/s orientation, it's not rocket science to figure out that it may be difficult to maintain a friendship that doesn't cross the line into a more intimate relationship. But pretty much all those conditions have to be in place for there to be an issue.

All of my D/s relationships have started as friendships based in mutual liking and common interests, and they still have that underlying dynamic. My two collared boys are not just my property, but my best friends. Friendship can grow into a relationship, but only if there's that kind of compatibility there in the first place. I also have friends of all genders and orientations who are not compatible with me for anything beyond friendship. If you are not attracted and not romantic/sexual relationship compatible, there is very unlikely to be any problems just staying friends. If you are, then it may well evolve into something more. But the determining factor isn't whether or not you're dominant or submissive.

_____________________________

Your dominant Personal Trainer for fitness and body shaping in the lifestyle. Let my fetish be your motivation.

(in reply to Typhon1984)

Post #: 76

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 9/30/2010 2:16:08 PM

daintydimples

Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sophiesback

If I were you...Better yet, if Master were you, I can tell you exactly how he would handle this. Make her cut him out of her life. Find a mentor for yourself. Take the time to figure out exactly how you wish for her to be trained, and train her yourself, with the guidance/counsel of someone more experienced. Master had me ask a friend to mentor him. I am very close to this friend, and have been for years. He was more than happy to mentor. If this other Dom is being shitty to you, he's trying to steal your girl.
ETA: If she refuses/argues about getting rid of him, take her collar & her ring and make her earn them.

There is nothing I can add to the above.

_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?

(in reply to sophiesback)

Post #: 77

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 9/30/2010 3:02:27 PM

sblady

Posts: 433
Joined: 9/28/2007
Status: offline

Yes. I have quite a few Dominant friends and if I even sense that they're trying to "dominate or order me about", I bring it to their attention. I rarely have to repeat myself.

_____________________________

Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values. Dalai Lama

(in reply to Typhon1984)

Post #: 78

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 9/30/2010 3:09:13 PM

MistressRosalyn

Posts: 908
Joined: 8/16/2009
Status: offline

Why is she talking to another Dom?
Is it because she feels something is lacking in your relationship? Are you just talking the talk, and not walking the walk? Is this her way to try to tell you to step up to the plate and DOM her?

Why would she even BEGIN to entertain his statement "However, she told me that he thinks that she shouldn't be subject to me since I'm too new to the scene and that she needs someone who can train her proper."

What if you were in a vanilla relationship and he had said, "Look, he's only had a few lovers, and I've had hundreds. You need to find someone who has had lots of lovers because you need someone to teach you proper lovemaking"...there would be no question in your mind about what he is trying to do...and what she wants.

I doubt that any of us started out knowing how to do everything, I'd wager that we started when someone suggested being tied to a bed, or blindfolded, or spanked...and from there we segued into whatever areas we enjoy now. It's fun to be with someone, and discover this world TOGETHER. Communication is the key. Talk to her and discover where her mind is taking her.

Another thought is, would she have time to chat with that other Dom if she was tied across the coffee table waiting your pleasure? Would she give a damn about being friends with another Dom if she was squirming from a good figging followed by a nice paddling? You don't have to forbid a damned thing, just give her reason to not care about it and she will soon recognize that other dom for the poaching SOB that he is.

So step up to the plate, you are a Dom if you say you are, but learn how to BE a Dom...and that takes effort on your part.

_____________________________

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(in reply to daintydimples)

Post #: 79

RE: Can A Dom And A Sub Just Be Friends? - 9/30/2010 3:15:23 PM

LadyRian

Posts: 486
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline

My opinion is that yes, Dom/mes and subs can be friends, and nothing more. However, there are certain aspects of the situation as you described it that I have serious reservations about, other posters have gone into much more eloquent detail so I shall not reiterate. However, if it were me in this position, I would tell him in no uncertain terms what sort of behaviour I would not tolerate, and I would tell her that I didn't think this man seriously had her best interests at heart.

Some people do behave with honour, and live by that concept. Some do not. Beware the ones who do not.

_____________________________

"Dodging bullets since 2010"

(in reply to MistressRosalyn)

Post #: 80

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