RiotGirl
Posts: 3149
Status: offline
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Now granted i logically do not believe in internal slavery, i've always been absolutetly curious about it. Does it really exsist? How does it exsist, why does it exsist? Logically its virutally impossible. a sub/slave can leave when ever they want - all they need to do is walk out the door. Very very true. Yet no matter, they dont. Unless of course, i suppose, there is something they feel is wrong and its not "right" to stay. i suppose. i'm also told (by Himself) that its also not being able to even contemplate disobeying. Granted i've only been there once and for a short period of time. (as a mental state) Yet i always wonder, how much apart of my life is that. i've read a fair amount on it, but i always still wonder. Why? How? (okay so i sorta understand the how) It comes from being solely dependent. i even read about how to do it. Yet, its logically impossible or so i feel. i've of course spoken about it with Himself and how its impossible and other then him disagreeing with me thats about what i get. This is prolly tmi - but i have yet to figure it out. No matter how it goes, or how unhappy i am for the time, or whatever - to contemplate being with out him, is too much to bear. Yet i've tried contemplating it. Yes i can see steps of another life with him not there - but future wise.. no thanks. Why (with out logic) does the fact of not being with him, leave me feeling like the world is being ripped into two? Oh and i've tried. Usually with the thoughts "this isnt right i shouldnt stand for it" i swear if i could get other ppl, and societal's upbringing out my head i would generally be very content. Even if he ignored me non stop and fullfilled non of my needs. This i know as i was in a similiar relationship (unrelated to BDSM) where i was content just to be. So it has come up of Master and i seperating. Why does it leave me in a state of panic? Unable to breathe? Literally, with utter chaos reining inside of me? Why, once when i managed to walk out while he was sleeping, was i at a gas station huddled into a ball unable to stand? Miserable? Why are all moods, thoughts centered around him. Why is he the center of my life? Even when i dont want him to be? Why is he able to arouse me, no matter how unsexy, or pissed off, or if i dont want to be? Why, god forbid do i always obey? In 18 months, no matter how "strong" i swear i'll be, or how much i swear i'm going to stand my ground - do i always obey. This he knows. It seems, that no matterwhat it is that he would like, or want me to do - i always obey. Granted i could think of quite a few terrible things he could tell me to do. Yet i know that my mental state is very important to him. To ask me to, say steal, would leave me feeling terrible about myself if i did so. It would hurt me in an odd way, as i tend to be judgemental about myself. So theres never a worry about things of the nature like that. Basically, if i dont want to do something, say shoot myself in the foot, i can actually see myself doing it, purely on the fact that if he wanted it, i'd be just happy do to so. Okay mostly. Yes, i have tested this all out. As i always test and try to figure out what confuses me. i hate being confused. i have pushed and pulled here and there, thinking all the while - logically i can do this. Even my own frickin will, which i have always been proud of has turned against me. Its his. (scratches head) How is that POSSIBLE??? Its like everything about me, is his. Though i fight it, i fight it quite heartedly (as i'm sure you've seen) and he lets me fight it, until of course he's done with me fighting it and comes around and shows me me what just seems impossible. the only thing "close" that i can come to a reasonable explanation is internal enslavement. Yet, that doesnt even really fit the bill. i fight it, often, as i think the underlying cause is - its impossible. Yet no matter what i do, it comes back to it. Its impossible to really literally Own Some one. Yet time and time again, he shows this to me. Waiting for me to grasp the concept i suppose. Which i can not, as its impossible. Logically, sanely impossible. It goes against what i know, and what i've heard. How is it possible to even own them past their consent. (other then of course the consent given in the begining and its the last consent needed) i'd like to clear this up for myself. As i think, it would please him greatly if i could finally grasp it. It'd probably save alot of frustrations, alot of "fighting it" on my part which generally creates unpleasentness. Which of course he doesnt enjoy, even though he usually ignores it. i just know what he wants and he doesnt want me fighting something he already knows. He prolly doesnt understand why i fight it, i should just accept, but i'm a thinking person and i can not accept something logically impossible. AND - for all those that say "a sub/slave can walk out when ever they choose, its as easy as putting one foot infront of the other" i disagree and i've even proven it with myself. i'd get as far as the drive way and thats about what my legs would carry me too. Its like a CULT! i'd have to be deprogrammed from the cult. So ah.. anyone explain? Can anyone explain internal enslavement in detail so i can have a better understanding of it?
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