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Childless ? - 9/27/2010 7:06:59 PM   
Aneirin


Posts: 6121
Joined: 3/18/2006
From: Tamaris
Status: offline 		Am just wondering here, those who are childless through infertility or choice, are life's goals different ?

What would be the goals in life for those who do not have children, bearing in mind the years of child rearing involved and all that goes with it, through to the worry, joy and whatever other positives there are, once the offspring has flown the nest ?
To those who have children, can you imagine life without ?


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RE: Childless ? - 9/27/2010 7:25:54 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Yeah I can imagine life without.

Now that I'm an empty-nester I'm now working my way back on track to exactly where I wanted to be before I had a child...enjoying my life for me, moving to where I want to be and not because it's a good place to raise a child and good schools, etc..., traveling, taking a job I enjoy instead of a job that wiill pay a mortgage, etc....

I'm now getting used to once again being "childless" and to be honest I'm really looking forward to it.

That's not to say I don't love my child dearly but damn....I had my child right out of high school and I'm still young. I like being able to have a life again.

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RE: Childless ? - 9/27/2010 7:44:05 PM   
twistedwillow


Posts: 546
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline 		I had my child just after I turned 20 and, while always wanting more but never having found the right man, now that he is getting older I find my biological clock has gone into over drive.
I cry at birth\baby docos, and desire hugely to have another 2 or 3 before I get any older.
Alas, I still have not found Mr ( or Sir ) right-for-me.
I would give up freedom and independence etc in a heart beat for another child.

Edit: Too many finds

< Message edited by twistedwillow -- 9/27/2010 7:45:18 PM >

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RE: Childless ? - 9/27/2010 8:22:02 PM   
MistressRosalyn


Posts: 908
Joined: 8/16/2009
Status: offline 		I just came inside from chatting briefly with my 22 year old daughter and her friends. Before I came in, she said, "I love you Mom" and I know she meant it. When I spoke to her 27 year old sister earlier on the phone, she told me that she loved me too...and hearing that makes it all worth it. There are now two humans who are in this world because of me, and I didn't totally fuck them up, and they still love me; even better, they respect me.

When I had my oldest, it was the making of me. Before then, I was flighty, foolish, living for the moment, taking stupid chances and being lucky enough to live through them. I was the grasshopper, never caring about tomorrow. Not to say that the grasshopper doesn't give us some excellent lessons, but it was time to become grounded, and I did. Yes, I put aside dreams, but knowing me, I didn't have the strength to pursue them anyway.

Being a parent has made me who I am today. I am now patient, strong, resourceful, fair, firm, compassionate, loving, kind, empathetic, to name just a few things. The lessons I've learned have become the source of my ability to grow and change and are the basis of whatever wisdom I possess. Would I have learned this without my children? Possibly.

But I can safely say that I don't mind the time invested, and I would be a poorer person this lifetime for it.

Now we come to the interesting point. I have adult children. My 43 year old husband has never had kids. If I tried REALLY hard, and spent tens of thousands, I could POSSIBLY have another child. but let's be honest, having babies is for the young. I'm too fucking old to do it all over again, and like littlewonder I don't want to give up my new found freedom.

And it hurts, because I want him to know the joy of being a father, and he's at the age where he feels that if he doesn't do it soon, then he never will. Tick-tock, tick-tock...He is torn too, he remembers what my youngest was like 4 years ago, and he's not sure he could cope with teen angst in his 60's.

So I'm interested in other people's responses, especially those who are in their 50's and 60's and have never had kids. 
Regrets? Relief?



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RE: Childless ? - 9/27/2010 8:24:43 PM   
Voodali


Posts: 255
Joined: 10/2/2007
Status: offline 		I'm childless by choice....kind of.  I believe that I was not biologically designed to want children.  I don't hate them or anything, and I even enjoy their fresh perspective on things sometimes, but as long as I can remember, I was horribly repulsed by not only the process of giving birth, but babies themselves.  I find puppies and kittens adorable just like your average person, but human whelps just disgust me.  Not sure why (other than the fact that they're bald and the poo themselves and scream very very loud).  That's just how I'm wired, I guess.

A person who claimed to be able to see past lives told me it was because in my past life I was an Italian mama with 10 bambinos, and I vowed in my next life not to have any. I like to think its because a higher power knew that a slave would be all the "child" I could handle.

I tell myself that if I ever regret it, I will adopt someone who would have had a shitty life without me. 


< Message edited by Voodali -- 9/27/2010 8:26:47 PM >

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RE: Childless ? - 9/27/2010 8:28:46 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		when I was five, I announced that I would never marry and never have children. I was told that I would change my mind, but I never did. Choosing not to breed is the decision I can look back on with utter confidence that I did the right thing.

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RE: Childless ? - 9/27/2010 8:34:05 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I never wanted children when I was growing up.  Once I had them those feelings changed rapidly.  I loved being a mom.  I loved raising my kids to be people that could fit in with anyone.  But if I had not had them.. my goals were simple.  Live free, never set down roots, travel and sleep in my car, clean up in a gym or a beach somewhere, disappear.
Who knows, after getting the bills from my recent medical issues that may be a reality soon enough.

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RE: Childless ? - 9/27/2010 8:35:51 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		This is a bittersweet topic for me. I always wanted children, always.

I was married to someone who never wanted children. We were married for a long time and we tried to work it out, but some things are non-negotiable; like having a child. I would never bring a child into the world with one parent feeling forced. That is one of the reasons I ended my marriage.

I was very sad for a long time after and then my brother brought children into my world; my beloved nieces and nephew. So I felt blessed to have them in my life.

Now I cannot have children on my own and I still adore children. I believe my life would have been vastly different if I had been a mother and I know I would have been a wonderful one; since I have an amazing role model in my own mother.

It does give me a twinge quite often still, but one cannot live in the past; I made decisions and stayed in relationships where this did not come to pass.

So I take ownership for who I was with and those choices. I now choose to view my life not as empty without children, but full of the love I have for my brother's kids.

One of my nieces asked me once when she was 8 why I had no kids and I explained that her Aunt had not met the right person to be a parent with.

She thought for a moment and then said, Well you know that me and my sister and brother can be your kids too, not just your nieces and nephew. We love you as much as if you were our mom.

That was enough for me.

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RE: Childless ? - 9/27/2010 8:37:37 PM   
Voodali


Posts: 255
Joined: 10/2/2007
Status: offline 		The thing that bothers me about people chosing childlessness is that its often very intelligent people chosing not to breed.  I'm sure you all saw Idiocracy. (I'm not saying that breeders are stupid, incidentally, even though it could be taken that way) Still, if you have no maternal drive, you shouldn't be forced.  Maybe evolution has decided we don't need any more eggheads :p.

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RE: Childless ? - 9/27/2010 8:47:54 PM   
smartsub10


Posts: 865
Joined: 4/23/2010
Status: offline 		I didn't have a very happy childhood.  My mother was widowed at a young age and my brother and I grew up knowing that we were a burden to her.  She did what she could and we didn't go hungry but we knew she resented being a single parent.  As a result I grew up believing children were a burden and had no desire to breed.  When I was married I thought about it only because of societal expectations.  My husband and I split up - childless - and I never remarried or became involved with anyone who had a strong desire to reproduce.  I guess like attracts like.

I like kids.  I love their refreshing honesty.  But, I have no regrets.  I've enjoyed life.  Lived in a few states, traveled, came and went as I pleased and was able to pursue advancement in my profession. 


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RE: Childless ? - 9/27/2010 9:01:33 PM   
BonesFromAsh


Posts: 1362
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aneirin

Am just wondering here, those who are childless through infertility or choice, are life's goals different ?



How could they not be? To go from one person, caring only for yourself and the process of living...to being a parent, with all the added responsibilities and such that would entail, would be in and of itself a whole ball of different.

I'm childless by choice. Not because I don't like children...in fact, I adore them. Auntie to many/mother to none!
I've had the unique experience of being part of the care and upbringing of 3 wonderful young adults for the past 20+ years. So, while I was able to experience many of the pleasures (and trials) of infancy to teenage years, I've not had to carry the burden of the practical stuff like cost and college education.

After spending an hour chit chatting with one of those lovely young 'uns this evening, hearing her say how much she misses me (boarding school) and asking if I'll be able to make her first cross-country meet, I can say I have not a moment of regret.

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RE: Childless ? - 9/27/2010 9:44:13 PM   
Termyn8or


Posts: 18681
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline 		In younger years I said and believed the world was not good enough for kids. I was pompous and in some ways an ass.

I was right.

In retrospect, what right have I to impose this ball of confusion on another for my own personal satisfaction ?

T

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RE: Childless ? - 9/27/2010 10:05:22 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I am an auntie as well, to adopted kids. I really do not like children, but I ama kid magnet, and what's a gal to do? Kids and I get along, I treat them like people, and they seem to appreciate it.

My friends that are breeders have amazing kids and I would have been a good mother. I was a teacher, and I am a pretty fierce advocate for proper treatment of kids.

Still, I am so grateful that I didn't give into guilt ov er not giving my parents a grandchild!



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RE: Childless ? - 9/27/2010 10:13:52 PM   
kdsub


Posts: 12180
Joined: 8/16/2007
Status: offline 		My girls and grandson are the center of my universe…they affirm my belief in God and I thank him every night.

I feel for those that can’t or won’t experience the joy, terror, and fear of parenthood… it fills a life.

Butch

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RE: Childless ? - 9/27/2010 10:20:45 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		I"m not sorry I didn't have children.  When I was younger I had an awful temper and a chemical imbalance (hypothyroidism) which made me emotionally a mess - crying at the drop of a hat, unable to handle life's little problems.  I had enough awareness to know I would have been an awful mother.  When I got older, I was clear I didn't want to have children alone.  Now, that ship is leaving dock!

My plans are centered on me and my own life.  I'm ok with that. 

By the way, Voodali, I haven't seen this Idiocracy - is it a movie?  a book?  a theory? a TED talk?

best,
sunshine

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RE: Childless ? - 9/27/2010 10:37:16 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		I generally don't regret not having children.  When I was younger I would have been totally unfit.  My Mom even told me (when I was in my late 30s-early 40s) that if I had popped preggers back in the day she would have sued for custody (and she would have won).

OCCASIONALLY, I regret it.. when I listen to Red talk about the Things, for instance.  But the only reason I could ever find to justify breeding was because I hate to think that when I die, the genetic good stuff that I got from my parents dies with me, and both of my parents are fantastic.. their talents and intelligence ideally should be perpetuated.  However, I realize that - as a reason to breed- is pretty pathetic.

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RE: Childless ? - 9/28/2010 5:35:13 AM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:

What would be the goals in life for those who do not have children, bearing in mind the years of child rearing involved and all that goes with it, through to the worry, joy and whatever other positives there are, once the offspring has flown the nest ?


Well I never had kids, but I got the joy and worry part. And I must say it was well worth all the pain of childbirth that my sister went through. Seriously. As to the positives after he has flown the nest? Well I guess we will have to wait until he takes that flight. At the moment, he is downstairs sleeping.


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RE: Childless ? - 9/28/2010 7:31:17 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		If I had been able to make a conscious choice, I probably would have never had children and certainly would not have cursed them with the biological father my kids have.

Fortunately, my life took a turn, at a point in my life where I was not really able to choose any other path. Now, at this point in my life, I will always be grateful. I love, respect, and completely enjoy, my kids. They are wonderful human beings and fantastic parents to my grands. I would not be the woman I am today, without the life I've had.........children being a huge part of that.

And yes, I still make life decisions with family repercussions in mind. I don't bring just anyone into my life, I allow few people into my home. I worry less about my own personal safety than that of the people I love. I am very protective of my family, extremely so. So of course it reflects in my other choices and life goals.

I fully support people making the choice to avoid parenting. There are millions of people that should not be parents. One thing I have noticed about my friends that do not have children is a very different sense of their personal priorities and importance about their possessions and personal space. It is as though a part of them stopped maturing. There is a quality, a more self centred, selfishness. They seem to place a much bigger importance on their 'things'. I've often wondered if it has anything to do with never needing to go without, share, lose fragile items to groping little fingers, etc.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 9/28/2010 7:34:19 AM >

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RE: Childless ? - 9/28/2010 7:39:57 AM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		The world is a curious trainwreck.    I do not have kids.   I look at others and the cycle of life- and briefly think I missed out- but quickly think the kids need to clean up that yard.

The oh so predictable this and that - that goes with it.

Even if I wanted kids- it is too late.   I am 47.  

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RE: Childless ? - 9/28/2010 9:29:51 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Funny, I have never observed that obsession with the safety of stuff... I grew up in a house full of WHITE CARPET, white background furniture, and was taught to respect possessions. I didn't break stuff. My childhood playmates didn't break stuff. Srsly. It was very rare for someone to drop a glass!

I just wasn't raised with a "kids will be kids" philosophy that meant kids get to run wild. Treats are eaten at the kitchen table, grinding the chips into the carpet is NOT okay. "Don't touch that", meant just what it says. (once they are past toddler age, of course! until then, EYES!!) The faux-grand gets to have living room "picnics" on his spiderman tarp! Bad stainy stuff, he eats at the table. Honestly, it is kind of hilarious listening to my mom rant against the type-a critical dad. I just look at her and say "Really? WHO are you talking about?" LOL!! Now the little dude is six, he is gonna pick up his own stuff and put it into the boxes!!

Yeah, I am Mean Auntie!

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